by Neil Gaiman
OFFICER JULIA
The car was burning. But it just kept driving.
SCIENTIST 2
Do you have any idea how impossible that is?
OFFICER JULIA
Of course we do. We’re not stupid.
A SOUND, like glass harmonicas. They look around, puzzled. Then they look up . . .
Madame Tracy’s motor scooter breaks through the M25 forcefield and heads towards them.
CLOSE UP on Madame Tracy for a moment, having the time of her life, and Shadwell, terrified.
Everyone on the ground is looking up at it, horrified, confused and amazed.
OFFICER FRED
I mean, it’s more likely than that, for a start.
MADAME TRACY
Yahooooooo!
And she’s gone.
OFFICER JULIA
I wonder where they’re all going.
CUT TO:
561EXT. ABOVE M40 MOTORWAY – STORM, DAY
Madame Tracy, with Shadwell holding tightly behind her, on a slightly wobbly scooter zooming at about 100 mph across the sky.
CUT TO:
562TADFIELD STREETS – STORM, DAY
R. P. Tyler leaves his house with his poodle, Shutzi. There’s a low roaring of motorbike engines. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse pull up in the road in front of him.
He looks nervous.
Then Famine, Pollution and War raise their visors. Death’s stays ominously down.
FAMINE
I’m afraid we’re lost. The signposts must have blown down. We’re looking for the airfield.
R. P. TYLER
Take the second right, only it’s not exactly right, it’s on the left but you’ll find it bends round towards the right eventually, it’s signposted Porrit’s Lane, but of course it isn’t Porrit’s Lane, you look at the Ordinance Survey map, you’ll see it’s simply the eastern end of Forest Hill Lane, you’ll come out in the village, go past the Bull and Fiddle and you can’t miss it.
FAMINE
I’m not sure I got that.
DEATH
I DID. LET US GO.
Shutzi the poodle wails and scurries away at the sound of Death’s voice.
Tyler looks: Pollution is eating the last crisp from a plastic packet. And then carefully drops it on the floor.
TYLER
Young . . . person. Is that your litter?
POLLUTION
It’s not just mine. It’s everybody’s.
And the bikes roar off.
563EXT. TADFIELD VILLAGE GREEN – RED SKY, DAY
Adam is walking around on his own, Dog following him at a distance. Adam looks haunted, as if he’s thinking about what he’s done.
PEPPER
Adam. What have you done?
ADAM
I . . . don’t know. But whatever I’ve started, we have to stop it.
He looks very small and alone.
ADAM (CONT’D)
We need our bicycles. Meet back here in five minutes.
PEPPER
Where are we going?
Adam is thinking.
PEPPER (CONT’D)
Adam! After we get our bikes, where are we going?
ADAM
The end of the world. It’s not far.
564EXT. A BIG CITY — NIGHT
A large city, at night. The street lights are going out. Then the traffic lights go out. Then the tall buildings go dark, and there’s nothing but the shape of the city, and the stars above: no light pollution . . .
We pan up into the star-filled, gorgeous sky. And see . . . our ANGELIC ARMY exiting the skyscraper.
Standing in the skyscraper, watching them leave, is the angel Gabriel. The angel Sandalphon beside him.
GABRIEL
Right. So. This is the big one. Everyone accounted for?
SANDALPHON
All present and correct, your glory. Well . . .
GABRIEL
Well what?
SANDALPHON
We’re still missing Aziraphale. He . . . Um. He just buggered off.
GABRIEL
When we’ve won the war, triumphed over the forces of Hell, he’ll find out what we do to traitors. Sound the advance . . .
And the trumpets of Heaven ring out.
565EXT. HELL
The smoky plains of Hell. The ARMY OF DEMONS looks like the army of angels, only with more variety of dress, number of limbs, and body shapes.
At front is Dagon: Lord of the Files, Master of Torments. Standing next to him is Beelzebub, who looks like Jeff Goldblum in the later acts of The Fly only much, much worse.
BEELZEBUB
Ssszo. It beginnnzz. And we are all accounted for.
DAGON
Er. More or less. We’ve lost Ligur, and um, Crowley.
BEELZEBUB
What happened to Ligur?
DAGON
Crowley did.
BEELZEBUB
Well, when the war isssz won, and the angelsss are dead, and the universsse issss ourszs . . . then Crowley will find out what we do to traitorrrsss . . . Szzzound the advance.
The drummers of Hell begin to bash their instruments. And the thumping drums and heavy metal guitars of Hell ring out.
CUT TO:
566EXT. TADFIELD STREETS – DAY
Newt and Anathema are driving in Dick Turpin, Newt’s battered little car. Anathema has her arms full of the cards with the prophecies on them, and she’s been putting them into order. There is storm damage everywhere as they go.
We linger for a moment on the last prophecy of all, 5004: ‘When alle is ∫ayed and all is done, ye must choo∫e your faces wiseley, for soon enouff ye will be playing with Fyre.’
Handwritten notes around it say things like ‘1976 – Could this be a reference to the oil crisis?’
ANATHEMA
. . . 5003, 5004, and here’s 1011 goes in there and we’re done . . . Left here.
Newt is cockier, more adult, than before.
NEWT
Do you think that a witch who died 400 years ago actually predicted how we were going to break into an American airbase without being killed?
ANATHEMA
Yup.
They pass the signpost to the airbase.
NEWT
Are you sure? Because they have serious people with extremely big guns guarding these places, and if we don’t get shot trying to break in we’ll spend the last minutes before the world ends in a little room without windows and—
ANATHEMA
I think you’re getting yourself overexcited.
NEWT
I’m not. I’m getting quite calmly worried about being shot and then put in a cell and waterboarded and shot again . . .
They are at the front of the airbase.
ANATHEMA
‘Behind the Eagle’s Nest a grate ash hath fallen.’
NEWT
That’s all?
ANATHEMA
You know, most of my family thought it was something to do with the Russian Revolution. Go straight on, then turn right at the next road.
(beat)
And don’t worry. Agnes would definitely have told me if someone was going to shoot you.
567EXT. AIRBASE – RED SKY, DAY
There’s a manned checkpoint. The (American military) GUARD on duty is reading a book. It’s very quiet here.
A little way back down the road, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse pull up on their bikes.
Death pulls back his helmet visor, revealing the death’s head skull inside.
DEATH
THIS IS THE PLACE.
War looks around, unimpressed.
WAR
Is this all there is? I thought it would be more impressive somehow. All those thousands of years waiting, just for a ride of a hundred miles.
DEATH
IT IS ENOUGH.
WAR
Let’s crash through the barriers.
DEATH
NO. WE GO IN, WE DO THE JOB, WE GO OUT, WE
LET HUMAN NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE.
They start their bikes, and head towards the guard box. Looking from the guard box: the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are driving towards the guard box. The guard hears the bikes and looks up from his book.
The guard’s POV: he sees an illusion, cast by the Horsemen. There’s a black staff car with a US flag on it, with four people in it.
The Four Horsemen are now dressed as generals: War, US Army; Death, US Airforce; Famine, US Marines; and Pollution, an admiral.
Death doesn’t look like a skeleton any longer. He looks human and magisterial.
The guard comes out, and is standing in front.
DEATH (CONT’D)
SURPRISE INSPECTION, OFFICER.
GUARD
I wasn’t informated of any surprise inspection . . . sir.
FAMINE
If you had, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?
GUARD
Can I . . . Can I see some kind of identification, sir?
We see Famine hold up an empty motorbike-gloved hand. Guard’s POV: General Black is showing him ID.
GUARD (CONT’D)
Very good, sir.
WAR
Don’t tell them we’re coming, officer. We want it to be a surprise.
The gates are opened and the staff car drives in.
As it gets through the other side of the gates, and out of the guard’s field of vision, it becomes the Four Bikers once again.
Pollution looks at the guard, and simply waves, creepily.
568EXT. LANE BEHIND AIRBASE – DAY
Newt and Anathema pull up in the car. The high, barbed wire, PLEASE KEEP OUT fence has been knocked down by a fallen tree.
NEWT
‘Behind the Eagle’s Nest a grate Ash hath fallen.’ She’s on the money there.
They get out of the car. Anathema is getting witchier. It’s something intangible, helped by hair, make-up and costume: she’s more occult than she’s ever been.
Newt pats his car.
NEWT (CONT’D)
Nice going, Dick Turpin.
ANATHEMA
You really do call your car Dick Turpin?
NEWT
Yes!
ANATHEMA
I bet you’re hoping one day someone’s going to ask you why.
NEWT
Um. Maybe.
ANATHEMA
Right.
She walks over the fallen fence.
NEWT
It can’t be that easy. It really can’t. There’s going to be cameras and guards and . . .
Anathema points to the camera, crushed by the fallen tree. They walk over the fallen fence. Anathema looks up at the buildings of the airbase: she’s caught the psychic scent of the Horsemen.
NEWT (CONT’D)
Where are we going?
ANATHEMA
There.
NEWT
How do you know?
ANATHEMA
(witchy but certain)
Everything in my life. Everything that Agnes wrote down in the book 400 years ago. Everything . . . it was all leading me here. Now. With you.
(beat)
I KNOW.
NEWT
And we’re going to stop them, how exactly?
But Anathema is already running towards the communication centre.
ANATHEMA
Oh! Come on!
569EXT. TADFIELD STREETS – RED SKY, DAY
Here comes Adam, with Dog riding in a makeshift box on the handlebars of the bike.
And Pepper comes down her street on her red bike and meets him.
Then Brian and Wensleydale, on their bikes. Wensleydale’s is sensible, black, and well kept. Brian’s is white and grubby . . .
PEPPER
It’s stupid them calling it a military base. I went up there on that open day. They didn’t even have guns and things. Just lots of radios and satellite dishes and stuff.
BRIAN
Yeah. It was all knobs and dials. Stupid. What are your new friends going to do here?
ADAM
I suppose they could patch into the worldwide military net, and issue orders to all the computers to activate all automated systems and start fighting.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually that would be quite difficult.
ADAM
Not really. Not if you’re them.
570EXT. AIRBASE – RED SKY, DAY
The Four Horsemen, now wearing biker gear once more, walking through the semi-abandoned airbase. Perhaps we can see their bikes parked behind them. They are following the signs to the communications centre.
WAR
It’s not really what I was hoping for. The Four Button-Pressers of the Apocalypse.
FAMINE
This is just the overture.
POLLUTION
I thought we’d be starting somewhere exciting. Washington or Moscow or somewhere . . .
DEATH
IF ARMAGEDDON IS ANYWHERE, THEN IT IS EVERYWHERE. THE GEOGRAPHY IS IMMATERIAL.
He snaps his fingers. A door opens. It says, COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE. RESTRICTED ZONE.
TITLE CARD: 31 MINUTES TO THE END OF THE WORLD
571EXT. TADFIELD STREETS – DAY
(A note on the weather: the storm is over, and the sun is out, and the red sky has finished. However, if we get a long shot of the sky, we can see that the storm is going on elsewhere: lightning is flashing; there are huge clouds, etc. It’s just in Tadfield that the eye of the storm means that everything is a perfect August evening.)
Here comes R. P. Tyler, the Youngs’ neighbour, and chairman of the local Residents Association. He’s a small, self-important man, with a small self-important dog, Shutzi, on lead.
Now the Them come cycling down the street.
TYLER
Hoy! You! STOP! I say stop!
The kids brake.
TYLER (CONT’D)
Adam Young. I thought it was you. And the rest of you. Do your parents know that you’re out?
WENSLEYDALE
Actually it’s not like there’s a law against being out. I mean, you can’t get sent to prison for ‘being out’.
Dog makes its eyes glow red and growls at Shutzi, the Tylers’ poodle.
ADAM
Dog, get away from Mr Tyler’s rotten old poodle.
Dog comes reluctantly away. Pepper sticks out her tongue at Tyler.
TYLER
Where are you four troublemakers going this evening? Don’t stick your tongue out at me, young lady, or I shall have words with your mother—
BRIAN
We’re going to the airbase.
ADAM
If that’s all right with you. I mean, we wouldn’t want to go there if it wasn’t all right with you.
They cycle on . . .
TYLER
Adam Young! Don’t think I won’t talk to your father!
572INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
The space we are in looks functional rather than impressive.
Some desks, a wall of screens, lots of knobs and buttons and such. We aren’t trying to impress, although there are lots of things on the screens. This isn’t a control centre. It’s worse. It’s a hub.
A HANDFUL OF MEN AND WOMEN are working, although one of them is doing a crossword, and one of them is down on the floor, working on some wiring and computers.
MAN ON FLOOR
Can someone pass me the screwdriver?
It’s put into his hand by Death. The man does a double-take.
MAN ON FLOOR (CONT’D)
Who the hell are you?
DEATH
I AM NEITHER OF HELL NOR HEAVEN.
And Death touches the man on the head. He falls unconscious . . .
The Horsemen walk among the workers, who pass out.
POLLUTION
What’s so special about this place anyway?
FAMINE
It’s a classified communications hub. Everything comes through here. They’ve made it so they
don’t even have to fight any more. Machines can do it for them.
Pollution sits down at a vacated chair and idly presses some keys. A wisp of smoke curls up from the keyboard and a small alarm begins to beep insistently.
WAR