The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book

Home > Fantasy > The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book > Page 33
The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book Page 33

by Neil Gaiman


  And now Crowley and Aziraphale are beside him.

  CROWLEY

  Adam. Reality will listen to you, right now. You can change things. And when I start time, you’ll have to do it fast.

  AZIRAPHALE

  And whatever happens . . . for good or for evil, we’re beside you.

  Aziraphale holds up the sword, this time like he means it. It WHOOMPFS into white flame, cleanly and beautifully.

  And they are: an angel and a demon, with a boy between them.

  CROWLEY

  I’m going to start time. You won’t have long to do whatever you’re going to do . . .

  Crowley pulls out the tyre iron from his pocket.

  616EXT. AIRFIELD – EVENING

  And they are back on the airfield again.

  The ground is splitting and shaking and rumbling, and lava is dribbling between the cracks . . .

  CROWLEY

  And do it quickly . . . Because he’s . . .

  Adam is holding Aziraphale’s left hand and Crowley’s right hand.

  There’s a HUGE EXPLOSION, as if something in front of them has appeared, as if a bomb has been dropped . . .

  A HUGE DEMONIC SHAPE made of smoke is appearing on the grass.

  SATAN

  Where’s my son? You?! You’re my rebellious son? Come here.

  Adam walks forward.

  ADAM

  You’re not my dad. Dads don’t wait until you’re eleven to say hello. And then turn up to tell you off.

  SATAN

  What?

  ADAM

  If I’m in trouble with my dad . . .

  Another explosion knocks everyone down. Red smoke is everywhere . . .

  We can make out a face, THE FACE AND UPPER BODY OF SATAN, LOOKING DOWN AT US, monstrous and enormous on the airfield.

  ADAM (CONT’D)

  . . . then it won’t be you. It’s going to be the dad who was there. You’re . . . not . . . my . . . dad . . .

  A struggle of wills. Adam’s face is clenched with effort . . .

  SATAN

  What did you say?

  AZIRAPHALE

  You can do it!

  CROWLEY

  Say it, Adam.

  SATAN

  Come here!

  We close in on Adam’s face and then on his eyes. This child is Power Incarnate.

  ADAM

  You’re not my dad. You never were.

  Something happens to the nature of reality.

  SATAN

  No! No, no, no, no, no, no, noooooo!

  And the figure of Satan dissolves back into smoke.

  And through the smoke we can see Mr Young’s car, pulling up.

  AZIRAPHALE

  That’s not really his father . . .

  CROWLEY

  It is. It is now. And it always was. He did it!

  Mr Young gets out of the car as the smoke clears. Crowley and Aziraphale are wingless.

  MR YOUNG

  Adam? Adam? Oh, for Heaven’s sake. Where is he? Adam! Where are you?

  Mr Young surveys the gathered people. Aziraphale and Crowley, Shadwell and Madame Tracy, Anathema and Newt . . .

  MR YOUNG (CONT’D)

  Would anyone here care to explain to me what exactly is going on?

  GOD (V.O.)

  But Adam rarely did what his father wanted.

  And the kids are on their bikes, cycling away into the distance . . .

  617INT. PEPPER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

  Very rapid CUTS: Pepper’s not-girly bedroom is empty. Then she’s in bed.

  618INT. WENSLEYDALE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

  Wensley appears in his bed in his bedroom with encyclopedias in it. He takes off his glasses.

  619INT. BRIAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

  Brian appears in his bed. He reaches into the bed and pulls out an open packet of crisps.

  620INT. ADAM YOUNG’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

  Deirdre Young opens the bedroom door. She looks at Adam, asleep in his bed, with a fond smile on her face.

  Adam is faking being asleep. He does a small snore for verisimilitude.

  621EXT. TADFIELD CENTRE – NIGHT

  Later. It’s now real night. We are in the town centre.

  Crowley and Aziraphale are sitting on the bench. They are sharing a bottle of 1921 Châteauneuf-du-Pape (as seen in Episode One) . . . they look perfectly normal . . .

  Aziraphale has a cardboard box next to him on the bench.

  AZIRAPHALE

  I’m sorry about the car. I know how much you liked it. Perhaps if you concentrated really hard . . .

  CROWLEY

  It wouldn’t be the same. I had it from new, you know.

  AZIRAPHALE

  I do. Yes.

  Aziraphale is playing with the burned ‘playing with Fyre’ paper fragment from the book.

  AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)

  It all worked out for the best. Just imagine how awful it might have been if we’d been at all competent.

  CROWLEY

  Point taken. What’s that?

  Aziraphale hands him the fragment.

  CROWLEY (CONT’D)

  So that was the final one of Agnes’s prophecies?

  AZIRAPHALE

  As far as I know.

  CROWLEY

  And Adam’s . . . human again?

  AZIRAPHALE

  Again, as far as I can tell. Yes.

  The International Express van drives past . . .

  CROWLEY

  Angel. What if the Almighty planned it this way all along? From the very beginning?

  Aziraphale takes a swig, wipes the bottle top, and hands it back.

  AZIRAPHALE

  Could have. I wouldn’t put it past Her.

  CROWLEY

  From what I remember, and we were never actually on what you might call speaking terms, she wasn’t exactly one for a straight answer. She’d just smile, as if She knew something that you didn’t.

  AZIRAPHALE

  Well, She is God. That’s sort of the point.

  The International Express man, who died earlier that morning, is none the worse for wear, and approaches them.

  INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN

  You’ve got the . . . um?

  Aziraphale presents him with the cardboard box.

  AZIRAPHALE

  Didn’t want them falling into the wrong hands.

  The International Express man takes the box. Inside is the coronet and the scales. Then he looks at his clipboard.

  INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN

  Excuse me, gents. There’s meant to be a sword here.

  They look around. Then Aziraphale says:

  AZIRAPHALE

  Sitting on it.

  He drops the sword into the box.

  INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN

  Good thing you were here, really.

  AZIRAPHALE

  It’s nice to have someone who recognises our part in saving the . . .

  INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN

  I need someone to sign for it.

  AZIRAPHALE

  Oh. Right.

  Aziraphale signs. The International Express man puts the box away, then he opens the door of his van.

  INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN

  Do you believe in life after death?

  AZIRAPHALE

  I suppose I must do.

  INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN

  Yeah. If I was to tell my wife what happened to me today, she wouldn’t believe me. And I wouldn’t blame her.

  He drives off.

  AZIRAPHALE

  There it is.

  A green country bus/coach is pulling up.

  AZIRAPHALE (CONT’D)

  It says Oxford on the front.

  CROWLEY

  Yeah . . . but he’ll drive to London. He just won’t know why.

  AZIRAPHALE

  I suppose I should get him to drop me off at the bookshop.

  CROWLEY

  It burned down, remember?

  Aziraphal
e looks like he’s going to cry. He nods. They get onto the bus.

  CROWLEY (CONT’D)

  You can stay at my place, if you like.

  AZIRAPHALE

  I don’t think my side would like that.

  CROWLEY

  You don’t have a side any more. Neither of us do. We’re on our own side.

  And the Tadfield bench is left empty as the bus drives away.

  622BLACK SCREEN: TITLE CARD: SUNDAY

  GOD (V.O.)

  Adam had rebooted reality. He had changed the past and changed the present. So, on Sunday, people woke to find a world that was almost – but not entirely – the one that they used to inhabit.

  623EXT. CROWLEY’S FLAT – DAY

  Crowley comes out of his flat. He’s dressed in a perfect suit, although uncharacteristically, and subtly, his tie is tartan.

  He looks depressed. Then he notices something odd: parked outside the flat is HIS BENTLEY. As good as new. Better, even . . .

  He raises an eyebrow. And walks past it. He waves a TAXI.

  624EXT. AZIRAPHALE’S BOOKSHOP – DAY

  The bookshop looks unburned. In fact it looks just like it did before. Only cleaner.

  625INT. AZIRAPHALE’S BOOKSHOP – DAY

  Aziraphale is walking through the bookshop, impressed. All the books are clean and beautiful.

  GOD (V.O.)

  Although, people who were dead were now alive, and things that were broken had now been miraculously restored.

  He stops at a shelf covered with beautiful first editions of boy’s books: the William books by Richmal Crompton, and suchlike. All in beautiful shape.

  AZIRAPHALE

  That shelf’s new.

  TITLE CARD: THE VERY FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF THEIR LIVES

  626EXT. ADAM YOUNG’S HOUSE – DAY

  Mr Young is sitting outside the house on his deckchair, reading the Sunday paper. (He’s probably a Telegraph reader.)

  R. P. Tyler coughs. He’s walking his dog.

  TYLER

  Morning, Young.

  MR YOUNG

  Good morning, Mr Tyler.

  TYLER

  It’s about last night. I . . . I remember I came and talked to you about your son. I remember something was happening, but . . . I don’t remember what it was.

  MR YOUNG

  Adam is confined to the house. And I’ve stopped his pocket money for the next two weeks.

  TYLER

  Good. Good! . . . What, exactly, did he do?

  MR YOUNG

  I don’t think that’s any of your business.

  627INT. ADAM YOUNG’S BEDROOM – DAY

  Adam, and Dog, are in his bedroom. It’s, for once, amazingly tidy.

  ADAM

  I tidied it! Mum!

  Mrs Young looks in.

  MRS YOUNG

  Was that so hard? I can see the carpet. Now you just have to keep it clean.

  ADAM

  Can Dog and me go outside?

  MRS YOUNG

  You know what your father said.

  ADAM

  He said even if he didn’t know why I was in trouble, I would.

  MRS YOUNG

  And . . . was he right?

  A beat. Then Adam nods.

  MRS YOUNG (CONT’D)

  Can you explain it to me?

  Adam shakes his head.

  MRS YOUNG (CONT’D)

  Well, you can go into the garden. Give Dog a little exercise. But that’s all.

  Adam brightens up. He hugs her.

  ADAM

  Thanks, Mum! Come on, Dog.

  And he and Dog scramble down the stairs . . . Mrs Young looks at him go, with love on her face.

  628EXT. ADAM YOUNG’S HOUSE – DAY

  Mr Tyler is walking away. Mr Young gets up from his deckchair, and calls after him.

  MR YOUNG

  Hoy! Tyler.

  Tyler looks around, surprised.

  MR YOUNG (CONT’D)

  Just in case you were in any doubt. I’m proud of my son.

  629INT. JASMINE COTTAGE, BEDROOM – DAY

  The bedroom, which was wrecked the last time we saw it, is tidied and nice. No trace of the storm.

  Newt is in bed. He opens his eyes to the birdsong. He rolls over. Anathema is still asleep. He kisses her and she opens her eyes sleepily . . .

  NEWT

  Good morning.

  ANATHEMA

  Good morning. I’m going to regret asking this, but . . . I’m going to ask. Why is your car called Dick Turpin?

  NEWT

  Dick Turpin was a famous highwayman. It’s a sort of joke.

  ANATHEMA

  Yes?

  NEWT

  It’s called Dick Turpin because everywhere it goes it holds up traffic.

  ANATHEMA

  I regret asking.

  NEWT

  I thought I’d make us both breakfast.

  ANATHEMA

  That would be nice . . . It’s so weird. I’ve lived all my life according to Agnes’s prophecies. And now there aren’t any more prophecies. I can do whatever I like. I’m like a train that got to the end of the tracks and still has to keep on going.

  NEWT

  From now on, you’ll head into the future with everything coming as a surprise. Just like the rest of us.

  ANATHEMA

  It . . . it’s just odd. I feel a bit lost.

  NEWT

  It’s called being human. You’ll get used to it.

  Newt heads for the door.

  ANATHEMA

  Witchfinder Private Not a Computer Engineer. Did we save the world yesterday?

  NEWT

  I don’t know.

  ANATHEMA

  You were a pretty good witchfinder, though. I mean, you found me, didn’t you?

  And she settles back into the bed.

  630EXT. ST. JAMES’S PARK – DAY

  A really beautiful day. We are looking at it from above . . .

  Then we move down into the park. A CHILD is eating an ice-cream. A happy family of TOURISTS – MUM, DAD, and THREE SMALL CHILDREN go past. A TALL FIGURE is feeding the ducks.

  Several PARK KEEPERS are walking through the park. They have a large van with them, full of deckchairs, and are taking deckchairs out of the van and putting them out.

  The British secret agent from the first episode is talking to the Russian agent, sitting on a park bench, pretending to read newspapers and pretending not to talk.

  BRITISH AGENT

  As far as the British Government is concerned, the apparent appearance of the legendary beast known as the kraken was a mass hallucination.

  RUSSIAN AGENT

  There were a number of mass hallucinations in our country too.

  BRITISH AGENT

  Yes, but this one ate our trade delegation.

  Aziraphale and Crowley are in line at an ice-cream van. Crowley’s made it to the front.

  CROWLEY

  A strawberry lolly. And a Mr Whippy with a flake.

  He hands the ice-cream to Aziraphale.

  AZIRAPHALE

  How’s the car?

  CROWLEY

  Not a scratch on it. How’s the bookshop?

  AZIRAPHALE

  Not a smudge. Not a book burned. Everything is back just as it was. Have your people been in touch yet?

  Crowley shakes his head.

  CROWLEY

  Yours?

  AZIRAPHALE

  Nothing.

  CROWLEY

  Do you understand what happened yesterday?

  AZIRAPHALE

  Well, I understand some of it. But some of it, well . . . it’s just a bit too . . .

  TALL FIGURE

  INEFFABLE.

  It is Death. He nods at them, and fades away. Crowley watches him go. Turns his attention away from Aziraphale . . .

  CROWLEY

  Funny seeing him here. It’s meant to be bad luck.

  He pauses for a reply.

 

‹ Prev