by Meg Grehan
From my little life
In our little house
And my little classroom
“Am I dumb?”
I ask
“For not knowing
For having all the clues
And not putting them together?”
Susan shakes her head
She shakes her head
Fast and hard
Like the very idea
Is so
So far from true
That she needs to push it away
“I don’t like feeling dumb”
I whisper really quietly
So no one else hears
I don’t want to feel dumb or confused or weird anymore
After a minute
She takes a big breath
And says
“You read a lot,
Don’t you?”
And I nod
Pride pulls my lips into a smile
So I take a sip to hide it
“Have you ever read a book about a little girl
Who is clever?”
I scan my memories
Then nod
“Do you remember how that made you feel?”
I blush a bit
And tell her
It made me feel clever
And it made me feel
Like it was OK
To feel that way
That maybe it was cool
To be clever
And a girl
Susan smiles
Mostly happy this time
“And have you ever read a book
About a kid who goes on a big adventure?
Who does something scary
Because it’s important
Because it matters to them?”
And I nod again
“How did that make you feel?”
“Like I could do the same”
I say
“Like I could be brave
If I needed to be
Even if I’m scared
I could be
Brave”
“Then maybe we should find you some books
That can show you
All the other things you can be
Or feel
Maybe that might help?”
I nod
And it starts to make sense
Why I’ve been
So lost
I’m not dumb
Or silly
I just didn’t have
All the clues
All the pieces
To the puzzle
Sure
I knew
People could love people
But those people
Were few
And far between
I guessed
Because I never
Saw them
I never saw
A girl hold a girl’s hand
Or a boy kiss a boy’s forehead
I never saw it
It’s like the barreleye fish
With its see-through head
Or the peacock mantis shrimp
With its punch
Fast as a bullet
Octopuses with nine hearts
Sharks that cut circles in the bellies of fish
I know they exist
Deep inside
In the smart part of me
But I don’t understand it
In the soft part of me
The feeling part
For that part
It’s just too
Far away
And a little
Too scary
“Do you think that would help?”
Susan asks
And I nod
And she nods
And tells me that that’s what we’ll do then
We’ll find books and
We’ll find me in them
“I have to call your mum first”
Susan tells me
And I nod
And a spiky fear
Erupts
In my tummy
Like crystal in a cave
Jagged and cold
“What if—”
I start
But I don’t know what the rest of the question is
What if
What
What if Mum is angry
Or sad
Or disappointed
It’ll be my fault
All my fault
“I don’t want to make my mum
Sad”
“She might be sad”
Susan says
“She might be
At first”
And I like how she says it
Like I can handle it
So I decide
Right then
To believe her
To be the kid
And let her be the
Grownup
I tell her Mum’s number
When Susan hangs up the phone
She kneels down in front of me
And says
In a serious
You-must-listen
Voice
“Everything will be OK
And if it ever
Isn’t
You know
You’re safe
Here
And you are
Never
Alone
OK?”
And I say OK
And we go look at books
We pick out two books
I choose one about trains
And Susan picks out one
With two girls on the cover
Holding hands
And I hold it
And I stare at it
And it makes me feel
So many things
All at once
And for once
Every single thing I feel
Is good
And happy
And real
And true
Mum comes sprinting through the door
Twenty minutes later
She bursts in like she was thrown
Hectic and red-faced and covered in snow
Her scarf tangled in her hair
I watch her stop
And search
Looking for me
And I tell my feet to move
To walk to her
And tell her I’m OK
And not to worry
That I’m sorry
And I’ll never do it again
But my feet
My feet won’t go
Susan
Standing behind me
Clears her throat
And steps in front of me
“Don’t worry”
She whispers
So so quietly
Only I can possibly hear
And she walks up to my mum
And says “Hi”
In her friendly librarian voice
“You’re Stevie’s mum, right?”
And Mum smiles and says yes and asks where I am and thanks her for calling
All so fast I don’t think she took a single
Breath
She sounds
So scared
And of all the things I thought she would feel
All the things I thought
I would make her feel
Scared
Wasn’t on the list
I never even
Considered
Fear
And I feel
Awful
For it
Guilt plops into my tummy
So heavy I feel like I might
Fall over
But instead
My feet start moving
And I run
Run run run
To my mum
“I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
Mum, I’m so sorry”
I chant
Like a song
But she doesn’t hear
/> Because she’s chanting
“Stevie
Stevie
Are you OK?
Stevie
Are you OK?”
I know she’ll be mad soon
I know I’ll be in trouble
For leaving the house
When I promised
Cross-my-heart promised
That I wouldn’t
And I know that
But right now
All I care about
Is my mum
And how scared she sounds
And how scared I’ve been
Without even noticing
So I hug her
Tight tight tight
twelve
Susan helps us drag two big beanbags
All the way into the art section
I picked here
Because I don’t think either of us
Have ever been here before
And it feels right
To go somewhere
New
Mum drops herself into her beanbag
And it makes a whoosh sound around her
She looks
Tired
Not sleepy
But tired
Like she’s used up all of the energy
She had for the day
And now she’s run out
I flop into my beanbag
Right beside her
And we look at each other
And I think
We both know
Just know
That something is about to change
The air feels different
Full of crackles
And my stomach feels different
Full of butterflies
Everything feels too sharp
I feel like I’m in a movie
Like aliens could walk in
Like I could sprout wings
Like the whole world might just stop
And I wouldn’t be surprised
I feel like there’s electricity in my bones
And no part of me
Wants to stay still
I feel
Scared
Mum takes my hand
“Is this—”
She’s looking at me
Really looking at me
And she looks
So like my mum
So like herself
Like I haven’t really
Seen her
In weeks
Her face is so real and so clear and so hers
Her big green eyes
Just like mine
Her freckled nose
Her one dimple
She squeezes my hand
And the distance between us
The distance I was sure I felt
Evaporates
It’s gone
So quickly
I’m not sure if it was ever actually there
Or if it was just me
Being
Afraid
So I look at her face
And it’s the face that’s there
When I wake up from my nightmares
That nods and smiles when I tell her what I learned at school
That laughs when I tell her jokes I make up
It’s the face that I know best
So I look right at her
And I nod to say
It’s OK
You can ask
And she nods back
“Is this about Chloe?”
And I think
She knows
She already knows
But I take a breath
Shaky but deep
And I tell her anyway
For me
And for her
I tell her
“Chloe has really nice eyes”
I say
Because in that minute it’s all my brain offers up
“She has really
Really nice eyes
“And I’d never noticed
Anyone’s eyes
Before
“I don’t care
Really
If they’re blue
Or green or
Brown or
“I don’t care
I don’t
Notice
“But I noticed
Chloe’s eyes
“They’re
Brown
“And they’re really
Nice”
And I cross my fingers
In my pocket
And I beg the world
The whole entire world
Please
Let that be enough
Please
Let her understand
Let me be
Understood
And I open my eyes
And my mum is smiling a strange smile
And her eyes are wet
And she looks happy and sad and everything in between
And I didn’t know a person could be
So many things at once
But here she is
A little shaky
A little worried
But still smiling
“I get it”
She says
“I get it”
And I cry again
And I’ve cried a lot today
But it’s different
This time
thirteen
We’re putting on our mittens
When the librarian’s face
Lights up
And a little
“Oh!”
Pops out of her mouth and
She scurries off
Toward the history section
With a whisper-shout of
“Just a sec!”
She comes back a minute later
Red in the face
Carrying a book
It must have a million pages
And on the front
Are people
Hundreds of people
Cheering and chanting
As someone at the very front
Waves a rainbow flag
She hands it to my mum
And my mum’s face does something funny
Like all her feelings want to be known
All at once
But then it smoothes out
And she just smiles
And says
“Perfect”
Really quiet
But she isn’t looking at the book
She’s looking right at me
So I smile too
Then we both hug Susan
And say we’ll see her next Thursday
And she hugs back
And we go
Back out
Into the snow
Together this time
“So”
I say
And take a deep breath down to my toes
“I have a crush”
I swoosh the words out like a gust of wind
Fast fast fast
Full of all my breath and all my stress so now I’m empty
And my chest feels a little less tight
And my shoulders drop a little
And my body feels like my very own body again
“Yep”
Mum says
And she takes a breath too
Deep and wobbly
“You have a crush”
And we look at each other
And there’s something in her eyes and I
Think I know
What it is and
Oh no
She explodes
In the loudest
“STEVIE AND CHLOE SITTING IN A TREE!”
“Mum, no!”
“K-I-S-S-I-N-G”
“Mum! No one even says that anymore!”
I blush so hard
The warmth melts me
Melts all of the bad feelings
All the fears and all the confusion
And the blush
An
d the warmth
Settle in my chest
So lovely and so sweet
A warmth so strong the ice around my feet might melt too
This feels
Like the very beginning
Like there’s more to figure out
To talk about
To learn
But it doesn’t feel so scary
Now
Because standing right beside me
Mum is giggling
Like I’ve never heard her giggle before
High and light and ringing
She’s gripping her tummy
And laughing laughing laughing
And she looks
Happy
And she looks at me
Like I’m the very best
And I feel
The very best
So I laugh too
And we grip our sides
And we laugh
And laugh
And laugh
Until we can barely catch our breath anymore
And then
I scoop snow into my palm
And smush it between my mittens
And I chuck it
Right at Mum’s head
And it hits with a splat
And she looks at me
Her eyes
Glowing
And we’re still for a minute
Staring at each other
Red cheeks and teary eyes from giggling
And smiles as big as smiles can be
And then
Fast as lightning
She ducks
And then snow is coming right for me
And boom
It hits my chest and I fall
Flat on my back
And I snort
Because with my big puffy coat
And my mile-long scarf
I can’t really get up
So Mum lies beside me
In the snow
Outside the library
And we make snow angels
And we look at the sky
The bluest blue I think I’ve ever seen
And everything
Everything
Everything