His mother listened and smiled halfheartedly, as this conversation had clearly been going on for some time, maybe even days. But when she heard that the flight was delayed, she became rather irritated that her plans had been interrupted. Meanwhile, her son, who didn’t understand that there had been a change in plans, kept on talking excitedly about his adventure. He did, that is, until she snapped: “Be quiet, please—I’m listening to the agent.”
From the look on his face, she might as well have thrown ice water on it. He was so shocked and hurt by her tone of voice that he blinked and became perfectly still for a moment. Then suddenly his eyes welled up with tears, and he looked away quickly, perhaps for somewhere to hide.
Her thoughtless remark felt so harsh to him that it cut right through to his heart and wounded him. It left him confused and devastated, and it broke my heart to watch. The worst of it was that his mother was so intent on listening to the announcements that she didn’t even notice how hurt her son had felt over her impatient remark. She missed it altogether.
I’m not sharing this story to tell on a bad mother, but rather because the minute I saw it happen, I remembered a thousand occasions when I, too, had been guilty of the same with my own daughters when they were young. I, too, have let life overwhelm me or rob me of my peace at times and have lashed out unconsciously as a result of my own anxiety.
I felt sad for the boy, but for the mother as well. She would suffer for this, too, because she’d be deprived of his light. Right then I grabbed my cell phone and called both of my daughters, one after the other, to say how sorry I was for all the times I’d spoken to them harshly or unkindly in the past.
They both laughed at me and said, “Don’t worry about it now—it’s okay.” But until I said I was sorry, I felt as though my past unkind behavior was robbing me of some of the closeness and light I want to share with my children today. I felt better undoing a little of my own unkindness in that moment. It calmed the emotional waters in me.
Being kind takes discipline and only flows with ease if you’re committed to loving and living your Spirit over your ego. In fact, one way you can definitely tell whether you’re disconnected from your Spirit is to notice if you’re being unkind. The Spirit is sensitive and aware of the Divine in all, so it chooses only to be caring. To act in an unkind way isn’t appealing to the Spirit; it only appeals to your false, impatient ego self.
To be genuinely kind to others, you must start being genuinely kind to yourself. If you’re insensitive and impatient with yourself, your internal vibration will be stressed and resentful. If you’re stressed and uncaring toward yourself, it can’t help but ripple out toward other people. Kindness toward self is the gift that keeps on giving. To be kind to yourself is to value and love your Spirit and fuel your inner light.
Kindness is a choice to honor the Divine in all, including you. This takes practice until it becomes a habit. Summon the discipline within to develop the habit of kindness toward yourself and others. Stop allowing the ego to abuse you, and take the time to be kind every chance you get.
Being kind to yourself starts by checking in with your basic needs. Are you eating food that’s good for you? Are you eating often enough? Too often? Are you going to bed early enough? Do you have a good pillow? Are you taking time to relax? These are simple kindnesses that ease the harshness of life and feed your Spirit.
Another very basic aspect of kindness to self is to afford ourselves healthy boundaries and be clear and direct in communicating them to others. Most of us were taught that we have no right to personal boundaries and that saying no or respecting our own needs is selfish. Fortunately, that school of self-sacrificing thought is starting to dissipate, and we’re now being encouraged to be clear and ask for what we need without hesitation or guilt. Even so, old habits die hard. If all we’ve ever seen or been told is that to be loving, we must give of ourselves to the point of self-annihilation, then coming to comfortably know and exert our personal needs and boundaries may be overwhelming and take some encouragement.
A young client told me of her difficulty in college because all her dorm mates drank excessively, smoked pot, and were extremely noisy and aggressive night after night, often tumbling into her room with their parties. Not sharing in their excesses yet not wanting to be “unkind” to her college friends, she didn’t speak up or even register her objections with her fellow students about their antics. The less she said, the worse it got.
When their drunken stupors passed, her college friends often told her how much they appreciated her and how great she was for putting up with their self-destructive behaviors and letting others intrude upon her space. Yet somehow this didn’t feel as good to her as she thought it would or should. In fact, she felt worse.
Although she perceived her tolerance of others as kind, her insensitivity to herself was abusive. She lost sleep night after night and paid the price in class. Being unkind to herself built up a slow-burning rage in her, which she finally unleashed not only on her dorm mates, but also on her younger sister and parents.
Eventually they’d had enough. That’s when they sent her to me. They were tired of her anger and didn’t know where it came from or how to protect themselves from it. She didn’t either, so she asked me. I helped her recognize how unconscious and insensitive she was being to her Spirit by not communicating her limits to those she had to live with at school. Not only was it unkind to her, it made her unkind toward her family, and ultimately even strangers. It even hurt her dorm mates, because it’s not kind to give others permission to walk all over you and encourage their egos to run amok with indifference and insensitivity to the people around them. Her so-called kindness encouraged her dorm mates’ rude and imposing behaviors and encouraged them to be abusive. All of this could be kindly stopped with simple clarity. In her case, a mere “Hey guys, take it outside—I’m sleeping” might be all it would take to turn the situation around.
This is where I suggested that she recognize just how kind it is to have boundaries and say no quickly to some things in life. She listened and tried it. It was uncomfortable to speak up, but the first time was the last. Her friends got the message and took the party elsewhere. She felt better, and so did they.
If we don’t afford ourselves healthy boundaries with others, we get overwhelmed and our feelings become toxic. This often leads us to inappropriately lash out at the wrong people, setting up a vicious cycle.
To say no isn’t unkind. But to say yes when you mean no is unkind because it’s misleading and confusing to others. You may say yes to the uncomfortable or compromising situation in the moment, but you’ll definitely want some payback for that later, often when others least expect it or aren’t prepared to give anything. To say no without drama or hesitation is a great blessing to all. When you live with healthy boundaries, you create the opportunity to connect with people honestly, without confusion or manipulation. Everyone feels safer and more grounded.
The importance of healthy boundaries can’t be over-stated. It’s up to you to be clear about what feels right and true for you. Only then can you communicate your boundaries to others, rather than hoping that they figure them out for you. They won’t, and it’s unkind to ask them to try. It’s far more loving to be clear and direct than it is to beat around the bush being vague or passive-aggressive in an attempt to manipulate others into meeting your needs.
Getting in touch with your boundaries is actually simpler than it sounds. Usually, a boundary has been crossed or ignored if you find yourself feeling irritated, angry, or frustrated. When these feelings arise, simply check in with yourself and ask a few questions:
Have I said yes when I mean no?
Have I failed to express my need?
Have I gone along with something that doesn’t honor my Spirit?
Have I stayed in a situation when my Spirit wanted to leave?
Am I willing to change that now?
Have I made a decision that will take the pressure off?
; These simple questions begin to work your awareness muscles and help you better tune in to what’s kind and loving to your Spirit.
The moment you do what feels kind to your Spirit, the Universe will help you build healthier boundaries. Until you decide that it’s okay to communicate your limits, nothing can change at all.
Another way to be fundamentally kind to yourself is to make choices that take the pressure off of your life rather than living in a state of constant emergency and drama as you move from day to day. Kindness is rooted in being practical. The more grounded and realistic you are in your commitments, the less stressed-out you are—hence, the more peaceful and kind you can be.
A favorite story of mine involves a time when His Holiness the Dalai Lama was interviewed on television. The interviewer asked him what he does to stay so centered and friendly and loving all the time. He simply answered, “I leave for appointments early.”
Expecting a profound metaphysical answer, the interviewer was shocked to hear something so basic to staying calm. Yet it’s the small daily decisions we make that compose the tenor and tone of our lives. If we leave early for appointments, we stay calm and centered in Spirit. If we leave late, we set ourselves up for drama, fear, and stress of the ego.
The kindness the Dalai Lama chose for himself by leaving early is simple. By pacing himself and managing his affairs in a realistic timetable, he took an important step in being able to be kind to all. When we pace ourselves properly so that there’s no rush, we relax. We leave stress and enter the Spirit of grace.
Overall, kindness is an awareness that we’re all sensitive Divine Beings caught in a learning aiming toward our mastery. It’s love in action. It’s the accelerant for our souls’ desire to grow and expand our peace.
To be kind is to slow down, relax, and let quality more than quantity be our highest goal in life. Know that simple kindness begets kindness. It ripples into the world like waves in the ocean. Your kindness sets off that in another, which then does the same in another, and together we gracefully elevate the tone of the world to be respectful and loving to all.
Kindness is less a doing and more of an allowing. It allows mistakes. It allows time and patience. It allows encouragement and forgiveness. It allows for us all to pursue our learning curve without shame or fear. It allows the dignity of Spirit to lead life.
Allow yourself more kindness. Afford more of it to others. It’s the one self-loving expression of Spirit that keeps on giving.
Simple Practice: Follow Your Intuition
The final and perhaps most empowering of all decisions you can make when it comes to loving yourself and living your Spirit is to follow your intuition and allow it to guide your life.
Every one of us has been endowed with a sixth sense that originates in the center of our heart. This sense is our intuition, which literally means “inner teacher.” This inner teacher is the voice of our most authentic self, our Spirit. It’s Source wisdom guiding our lives. To follow our intuition is to claim our Divine nature and live it. It comes as a gut feeling, an “Aha,” a sense, a hit, or a flash. For some it’s subtle; for others, it’s a bit stronger . . . yet, no matter how it feels, it’s there for us all.
The first step in trusting your vibes is to recognize that your intuition is your greatest asset and give it the respect it deserves. Once you honor your vibes, trusting them becomes easier. Your intuition speaks from your heart and your Spirit. The simplest way to access your intuition is to ask your heart for guidance, then listen.
You can easily get an answer from your heart by placing your hand directly over it, saying out loud “My heart says ________,” and then filling in the blank.
It helps, of course, if you feel safe and nonthreatened as you ask, so give yourself the support and privacy you need to do this without distraction. Make sure that the kids are occupied, turn off your cell and home phones, and shut off the TV. This technique works best when you respond out loud. When the heart speaks, you feel the energy and vibration of your Spirit. It’s very different from your ego mind—it’s calm, clear, and peaceful because it’s connected to Divine mind.
Here are some other ways to tune in to yourself:
—Take time. Another technique for accessing your intuition is to give yourself a little time before responding to a situation. Use this period to go for a short walk, write for a few minutes in a journal, meditate, or simply have a cup of tea and get in touch with how you feel. The ego is an intense and often overzealous machine that distracts you from your intuitive feelings. It’s important to be aware of these distractions and get around them by taking a few minutes to turn inward and listen.
—Breathe. A few rounds of deep breathing also help you tune in to your intuition. It takes only a few moments to inhale through your nose, then release the sound “Ah” out through the mouth. This technique qui-ets the ego and gives an opening to the heart.
—Check in. Another tip for accessing intuition is to avoid asking others for their opinions before you check in with your intuition first. Even the most well-intentioned input can distract you from tuning inward.
—Talk it over. Verbalizing your feelings helps a lot when attempting to hone your sixth sense. Sometimes you can actually tell if a particular decision or path is right or not by simply listening to the vibration as you speak it.
Recently I hired a young college student (who came highly recommended) to do some video work for me. As I was telling my manager about him, every cell in my body felt that this kid wasn’t going to do a good job. I tried to ignore this, but the more I talked about him, the more strongly I felt that he was going to be a disappointment.
Trusting my hesitation, I changed my expectations about him on the spot. I went ahead with the video shoot, but I didn’t press for a second one. Instead, I asked to view the first. Sure enough, what he had done was a bust. But because I’d trusted my intuition, I wasn’t surprised, so I wasn’t upset. Wasting no more time, I quickly changed course and hired someone far more capable for the job the next day. Had I not discussed it, I might not have tuned in as quickly to the message that the young man was wrong, wasting a lot more time. Having talked it over, I was guided by my intuition and it was no big deal.
—Journal. Writing in a journal hones your intuition quite nicely as well. Simply jot down the statement: “My intuition tells me ________,” and then write in a stream-of-consciousness fashion for 10 to 15 minutes. You’ll be delighted by what your intuition reveals.
A client from England who was a doctor tried this technique. She wrote:
My intuition tells me to stop my private practice and move to New Zealand. My intuition tells me I am unhappy in traditional medicine and want to work with holistic healing practices instead. My intuition tells me my parents and peers will be appalled at my ideas. My intuition tells me to do it anyway. My intuition tells me I will be very happy and successful if I do.
Surprised by this exercise, she suddenly realized just how unhappy in her work she was. Her writing told her that she had options and secret dreams and that they lay just below the surface of her mind. It also revealed just how much she lived for the approval of others and ignored her own happiness.
This realization shook her up. She took it to heart and quit her job. As forewarned, her parents and friends thought she’d lost her mind and highly disapproved. Yet, assured by her intuition, she got past their objections and did move to New Zealand. She found easier, lighter work as a massage therapist. She also found herself a wonderful husband and became the mother of two sons. She said that she never regretted her decision to change direction, and she never looked back. To this day, she journals for guidance and finds that it’s always there.
When you journal for guidance, don’t analyze your responses. Simply write down your feelings and do nothing, at least not at first, unless your intuition is screaming to change course—as it was for my client in England—and unless time is of the essence . . . then act.
For example, a client w
rote: “My intuition tells me to go see my mother before it’s too late.” Her mom had been quite sick for a while, and she knew that she would eventually succumb to her illness, yet my client wasn’t aware that death would come so soon. She took the advice and left the next weekend to see her mom. Two days after she returned from the trip, her mother died of a massive heart attack, something completely different from her ongoing illness.
The key to honing intuition is first to simply express your inner feelings and then to observe how they energetically feel to you. Your body responds immediately to your sixth sense. True intuition, once acknowledged, usually leaves you with a sense of calm or satisfaction, even when it calls for a change of plans. You feel peaceful in your bones once you allow your Spirit to speak and be heard.
Tuning in to your intuition is only half the equation when it comes to self-love and being true to your Spirit, however. The greater challenge is to act on your vibes when they do arise. So many people do want to trust their intuition but never get around to it, only to regret it later. Don’t be one of these people!
Start by acting on your intuition in little nonthreatening ways every day. For example, if your intuition says to take a different way home from work one day, then do. Don’t waste time wondering why. When it comes to something small and seemingly inconsequential, give your vibes a chance to influence you. Only then will you learn to trust them. Besides, to follow your vibes in little ways keeps life fun, fresh, spontaneous, and exciting. It gives your ego a break and your Spirit a chance to lead.
The Answer Is Simple- Love Yourself, Live Your Spirit! Page 15