by Elle Casey
He blinked a few times and then frowned. “What’d you do that for?”
I stared into his eyes, hoping to see a glimmer of something familiar. “Spike, are you in there, or am I still talking to Prince Charming?”
He kind of laughed, kind of kept acting lost. “It’s me, but …,” he looked around in confusion, “…where are we?”
I breathed out a loud sigh of relief. “Good. You’re back.” I took his hand again and let him lead me around the room in the waltz or whatever we were doing for a few seconds so I could get a bead on the room and figure out what was going on. The other people with us in the ballroom were doing the same thing now; Tony was dancing with Felicia, Scrum was with Sam, and Becky was with Finn. The two dancing trolls were on the ground, still dancing but doing it horizontally now.
“Where’s Jared?” I asked.
Spike nodded at a spot across the room. “Over there. What’s going on? Tell me.” He tried to stop moving, but I urged him on by stepping on his toe.
“Keep dancing. I need to get everyone on board before we can leave.”
“On board for what?”
“Operation break-out-of-this-messed-up-witch-hotel-before-you-get-turned-into-fae-stew.”
He laughed nervously. “Something tells me we’re not in the Green Forest anymore.”
“No, Dorothy, you’re not.” I wished I could laugh with him, but I was afraid if I gave in to the impulse, I’d vomit by mistake. Time was running out. Tim wasn’t going to be able to keep those trolls busy forever; it was too much to hope that this witch didn’t have the antidote, and there was no telling what other fresh nightmares she had hidden in her cupboards for us that pixelation wouldn’t fix. “We’re on the Isle of Skye. I’ll explain more later. For now, just … do what I say. When I give you the signal, you need to run for the doors over there … the ones that lead outside. I think that’s our only shot.”
“Then what?”
“Then get into the van that’s outside and drive away. Drive right to the Underworld portal and don’t stop.”
“Got it.” He held me closer. “Are you okay?”
“I am now.” I took just a second to lean in and inhale the scent of him. Spike. The man I love. I stood back up straight, a fire in my belly. And the man I have to rescue before someone did something to him that made me go all evil on this world. I wouldn’t survive the loss of even a single one of my friends. I’d already come too close, too many times.
Spike’s body tensed up. “Uh-oh. Trouble coming.” He turned me around to see Jared bearing down on us, his eyes shadowed in darkness.
“Hey, Jared, what’s up?” Spike asked spinning us around so he was between Jared and me.
“May I cut in?” Jared didn’t sound like his regular self; it was creepy how ancient he suddenly seemed to me. He was a couple hundred years old, of course, but before this moment I always got the vibe that he was young like us at heart.
“No, man. Not tonight.” Spike tried to pull me in even closer, but I pushed him back.
“Yes! Yes, you can cut in, Jared. What a great idea.”
Spike looked down at me, his expression full of rejection.
“Just trust me,” I said, kissing him quick on the mouth before letting him go and pushing him away a little. I held my hands out for Jared. “Let’s go, hot stuff. Show me what you got.” I leaned out and spoke to Spike in a loud whisper. “Go slap some bitches!” I jerked my head toward Becky and wiggled my eyebrows so he’d get the hint. When I saw his eyes go wide and then a nod of understanding, I straightened up and asserted myself back into Jared’s arms. Spike was my wingman. He knew what needed to be done, and he was going to do it. The joy of a plan coming together rushed through my veins.
Jared shoved Spike out of the way and pulled me in close, quickly sweeping me off and out of my boyfriend’s range. Spike slowly drifted over to where Finn and Becky were dancing, making me breathe out a sigh of relief. He was still my Spike and not another one of those zombie-ized friends. One down, too many to go. I prayed he’d understood my plan to recruit the girls over to our team, starting with the water sprite. She’d be the easiest.
The other couples in the room floated past us, lost in a dream dance and oblivious to the danger around them.
“Thank you so much for accepting my invitation to dance, and may I say, you look absolutely ravishing tonight.” Jared’s accent was almost British in flavor. I imagined this is what men in the eighteen hundreds talked like, and even though he was pulling it off pretty well, I knew the real Jared was under that crusty crust somewhere, and he had zero interest in dancing with me. Apparently this witch had decided to spell everyone into complimenting me. What was the point of that? Did she honestly think locking me in a room full of admirers would keep me from my goal? Pfft. Not in this century. I only needed one admirer in my life: Spike. The rest of these guys could go suck a duck butt for all I cared. None of them could hold a candle to my man.
I grinned after Jared’s wooing words, though, loving the fact that he was kind of at my mercy. He was going to poop a gnome later when I told him how he’d come on to me. What a smooth talker … not. Jared didn’t get vulnerable ever, so this was a first; it was way too tempting not to mess with him just a little. Besides, I didn’t want the witch to figure out what I was up to before I’d recruited more of my friends over to my side. A glance in his direction told me that Spike still hadn’t yet managed to cut into Finn and Becky’s dance. Better to play along for a little while longer. My grin got wider.
“Oh yeah?” I asked him sweetly. “You like the Doritos breath? Road trip hair-don’t? Ripe armpits? That your thing? Wow, you dirty dog, I had no idea.” I made my eyes go extra sparkly.
“I do not understand what you are saying, but your eyes shine like the moon lives within you.”
“Ohhh, that’s a good one.” I grinned. “What about my teeth?” I stuck them out as far as I could. “How do they look?”
“Like pearls plucked from the depths of the deepest ocean.”
I giggled. Speaking of plucked … “And my eyebrows? Do you like them? Becky plucked them for me before we left.”
“Your eyebrows are arched like the peaks of the mountains lying to the north of my home. They remind me of a safe place, where as a child I would hide.”
I snorted when a heavy metal song came to mind and the tune started playing in my head. Now he’d gone too far, bringing Guns-N-Roses into the mix. Who did he think he was fooling, anyway? Everyone knows you can’t hide in eyebrows any more than you can in someone else’s hair. “So let me get this straight … my eyebrows remind you of a safe place where as a child you would hide?” I lifted my chin, doing my best imitation of an offended British chick from the eighteenth century. “I’m going to take that as an insult, sir.” I reached up and slapped him really hard on the cheek. “What do you say about that, eh? Still want to hide in my eyebrows?”
“Jayne?” Jared asked, confused, his hold on me loosening. He reached up to rub his cheek where I’d left a red handprint.
I tried like hell to stay sober, but it was nearly impossible. My lips were trembling with the effort of not laughing at his expression. “Yes, Jared?”
“What’s going on?” His dancing slowed.
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
I eyed Finn across the room and saw him looking at us with a little too much interest. Spike was standing off to the side, waiting for his chance to get his hands on Becky. “Then dip me.”
“Dip you?” He paused, his feet stilling.
“Yes.” I patted him on the back a couple times. “Dip me. Hurry. And make it look good.”
I could feel his muscles shift under his shirt as he adjusted his stance. “Okay, if you say so.”
My body suddenly went weightless as he threw me sideways and toward the floor. I was practically upside down, my hair brushing the toes of his feet and my legs up in the air. He leaned down, his face just inches from
mine. “How’s this?” he asked.
I grinned. “Awesome. You could have totally been a figure skater, dude.” I downshifted and spoke quickly and softly, just in case the witch was listening in somehow. I stared up into his dark eyes as I explained. “Now listen up … you’ve all been spelled. In order to get you out of it, I had to slap you. My plan is to leave through the French doors behind you. You have to let me up now and go slap the girls so you can wake them up. Then we can leave. I think. The van’s parked just outside. We’re on the Isle of Skye, but we still need to get to the portal. I’ll handle the guys.” I patted him on the arm. “Go. Lift me up now. I think my brain is swelling.”
He grinned back at me, but didn’t say anything, just shaking his head as his eyes crinkled up at the corners. I could practically read his mind. Jayne’s gone off the range again. At least he didn’t outright refuse to believe me.
The sound of someone clearing his throat made Jared stand up straight and bring me with him. The blood that had started collecting in my face drained back to where it was supposed to be in a big rush, making me temporarily dizzy. Finn was standing next to us alone as Spike spun away with Becky in his arms. My boyfriend winked at me as they went by, causing my blood pressure to go down by a couple notches. He was still onboard, and now I had Jared on my team too. Batter up, Finn!
“Hello, Finn,” I said, curtsying a little just because I felt like it.
Jared rolled his eyes, but moved off to the side a little to give us room.
“May I have this dance?” he asked, holding out his hand.
I glanced down and noticed the calluses on his fingers, there because he used his bow and arrow so much. Best shot in the Green Forest, yeah buddy. Placing my hand in his, I smiled. “Of course. I’d love to dance.” I stepped into his arms and let him lead.
He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “Don’t tell me, let me guess … I look lovely tonight, right?”
“Uh, yeah. I was gonna say strikingly handsome, but lovely works.”
I pushed him lightly on the shoulder. “Handsome? Don’t you dare.” It was hard not to get into a playful mood for some reason — a bit of that pixie buttdust may have snuck through my bubble, I wasn’t sure.
He tried again. “Your eyes remind me of somethin’ … can’t remember. Somethin’ from my past…”
“Perhaps it’s the reflection of moonlight on the ass end of a slimy frog or something.”
He grinned. “That’s it, kinda. You know widemouth bass eyeballs glow in the dark like they got a flashlight inside their heads. That’s what your eyes remind me of.” His voice got soft again. “Like the glowing eyeballs of a great, big widemouth bass in the pitch black o’ night on the edge o’ my favorite fishin’ spot.”
Widemouth bass? Holy shit, does Finn suck in the romance department or what? “Okay, that’s enough of that nonsense.” I stopped dancing and slapped him across the face, waiting impatiently for the two seconds it took him to come back online.
He lifted his hand to his cheek, frowning a little. “Damn, girl, that was a stinger.”
“Sorry, but you were making me sick. I had to do it.”
“Uh…sorry?”
I waved his concerns away “Never mind. Here’s the deal: we’re stuck in a haunted, spelled house on the Isle of Skye, and we need to escape. I just woke you up out of a trance, but I need you to pretend you’re still in it for a little while until I get Scrum and Tony out too. Got it?”
“I think so, yeah. But where are we exactly?” He tried to look around, but I grabbed him by the chin and made him focus on me.
“No time for that. Look into my eyes. Act like you love me, or you’ll get that witch on our butts before I finish being awesome.” Scrum was bearing down on us, dragging Sam with him. “I’ve got another date coming. Just take Sam dancing, and slap her across the face to get her out of that trance. We’re leaving through those doors over there. The glass ones.” I tilted my head in the direction of the terrace.
Finn’s eyebrows went up into his hairline. “Hold up … I thought you just said that you want me to slap the most powerful witch in the world while I’m dancin’ with her.”
I nodded. “Yep. That’s what I said.”
He shook his head. “Huh-uh. I don’t think so.” He frowned, looking over his shoulder at his back. “I ain’t got my bow with me for some reason.”
Wuss. “Okay, fine,” I ground out, quickly losing patience. “Stay here in this enchanted house full of ogres, trolls, and witches without your partner-in-life water sprite for the rest of eternity. See if I care.”
He glanced over at Becky who’d just been slapped by Spike and was holding her cheek with tears in her eyes. His jaw hardened. “Okay, fine. I’ll slap ‘er, but I ain’t gonna like it. And if she turns me into a snake, you gotta fix it.”
“No problem.” I said all peppy like. “I’ll start practicing magic and turn you right back into a fae with my very first spell.”
He looked at me and sighed. “No offense, Jayne, but that does not inspire confidence in my future.” It was the last thing he could get out before Scrum was inserting himself into the conversation.
“Hello, Jayne. I’d like to dance with you.” He stood stiffly with both arms rigid at his sides.
I glanced up at his hair and imagined I could see little bitty flies circling his non-shampooed head. “Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?” He opened his mouth to respond, but I didn’t give him time to even start. I slapped him hard, hoping it would be enough to get through to the real Scrum. Just behind me, I heard Finn doing the same thing to Sam and caught Jared out of the corner of my eye doing it first to Felicia and then to Tony. Sweet. Slap dancing. Way more fun than slam dancing in my book.
Chapter Thirteen
“TIM!” I SHOUTED AS LOUD as I could. I hadn’t heard his war cries in a while, and now that all my friends had been slapped silly and returned to the land of normal, it was time to go.
“Where is he?” Jared asked, walking over to stand at my right.
“He chased a couple monsters that way.” I pointed to the archway. “There, there be trolls.”
Jared and I glanced over in tandem at the other beasts that were on the floor; they’d danced themselves into exhaustion, but their legs were still twitching. “There be trolls over there, too.” I giggled at the picture they made. They weren’t nearly as scary when suffering seizures of happiness like that. They looked like they were trying to breakdance and failing miserably. It was probably how I’d look if I attempted anything of the sort.
“How are we not pixelated?” Jared asked, noting the pixie dust all over the place.
“Green bubble of awesomeness.” I wiggled my hands around my head to give him the full effect.
He smiled briefly and nodded. “Well done.”
“Thanks.” I flitted my eyelashes at him and smiled shyly. “Do you still find me ravishing and my eyes as glowy as the moonlight shining off a widemouth bass’s eyeballs?”
He blinked a few times. “What?”
I waved him off. “Never mind. I’m getting my boyfriends mixed up. It’s time to go, I just need to find Tim.” I took a step toward the entrance to the ballroom, the place Tim had flown out of just a few minutes before.
Jared put his hand on my arm, but that wasn’t what stopped me from continuing; it was the giant beast of a troll who walked into the ballroom that held that honor. It made the monsters on the floor look like toddlers, it was so huge. It lifted its nose to the air and sniffed, dropping its club to the ground next to its thick, dirty leg. Then it opened its giant maw and spoke. The words came out … squishy. It made a shiver run up and down my entire body.
“Fee, fi, fo, fum…”
I didn’t even know the damn things could speak. It made its existence even more horrible for some reason. I looked at Jared and whispered. “Are there any Englishmen in here by any chance?”
He shook his head, motioning for Scrum to stand at my other side.
I held my arms out to my sides, stopping my friends from advancing on my behalf. “Just hold back a second. I have you in a bubble. He can’t hurt us.”
“Better power that puppy up,” Finn said, staring at the slight tinge of green color that was around us now. “It don’t look that strong compared to that club in his hand.”
Please come to me, Green. Give me more of that shiny stuff that makes us all so safe and sound…
The response was immediate; the bubble turned so green it tinged the entire room that color for those of us inside it. Whatever spell that had been over this house was not interfering in what I needed to do. Thank The Green for small favors.
The troll looked at the bubble quizzically, taking one step toward us with a finger out. When I saw the state of its fingernail, I found myself going a little woozy. I hated to think what was under there, but I guessed it had something to do with the giant, dripping nose of his. Shudder.
“What do you want me to do?” Sam asked from behind me.
“Better do nothing for now. I’d hate for one of your spells to bounce off the inside of the bubble and hit me in the face.”
“My spells don’t do that.”
“Whatever. Just hold off for now.” Now was not the time to discuss the number of times I’d found myself on the ass end of one of her messed up spells. She was good, but she wasn’t perfect by a long shot.
I advanced toward the troll, ignoring the giant booger picker still pointed in my direction. “Listen up, Troll. We have no beef with you. Just step aside so we can get the pixie and be on our way.”
“Pixie,” he grunted out. “I eat pixie.” Then he burped, and I swear to all that is holy I saw some of Tim’s buttdust come out of his mouth in a poof of sparkles.
My heart dropped into my stomach, and I instantly felt sick. My hands were shaking and then my whole body joined the party. I could barely get the words out of my mouth. “If you ate my friend, I am going to skin you alive.” My sword was downstairs, but I had an idea of how to get it back. “Sam!”