Like the fool he is, he shifts his legs, opening himself up to me. He thinks he’s won. He wants me, closer, so I go. I step in, and with my hands on each of his shoulders, I lean my face down. I run my lips across his cheek, and slowly make my way to his outer ear—powered by an inner rage I never knew I could possess. I nip his earlobe, and whisper: “You’re the one who’s fucking high if you think I’d give you the one thing you taught me years ago would bind me forever to someone. Someone I deemed special. Trust me, I am not looking to bind myself to a ‘friend’ like you, Keaton Hatfield. Especially such a bossy one,” I say, my voice filled with venom, then I move to face him.
“Enough, Kami,” he warns. I try hard to ignore the way his nostrils flare, and how he now stands, towering over me, fists clenched by his thighs, because I am nowhere near done.
“No. It’s not nearly enough.” I throw my hands in the air. I lift myself onto my tiptoes to deliver the last blow, my finger pointing at his chest. “You made this choice for us, Keaton. You did this!” I snap, and he looks taken aback by my outburst. He still doesn’t get it. He’s still oblivious as to why I’m hurt, and it pisses me off.
“I did this? You’re the one ignoring me.” He steps closer, his voice frustrated.
“Because you deserve it!” I whisper-yell.
“Since when? You’re the one refusing to talk to me about things.”
“No, Keaton.” I feel my throat lock up. I avert my eyes, unable to look at him when feelings of embarrassment and self-doubt start to pool at the surface of my being. “No,” I repeat, well aware that every person in this room is watching us. It seems my mom was right. We are better than daytime TV. “You reminded me of my place in your life the other day—your sister’s friend. Someone you can’t carve out time for like Cason, or any other walk-in client. Tell me, Keat, do you fingerfuck all your friends when you’re on the job, or just your ‘sister’s best friend’?”
“Fuck.” Keaton’s voice is barely audible, and I know I’ve hit my mark. But instead of feeling relief, all I feel is bile creeping its way up my throat, my stomach churning over what we’ve become.
“I need to go.”
“Kami, wait” It’s an order.
One I dismiss. I’m not that girl anymore. “I can’t do this again, Keaton. It hurts too much.” I reach for my purse and sweater, thankful that he lets me leave without any more fuss.
“This is far from over,” he whispers, with an edge.
“It can’t be over if it didn’t really start. See you around, friend,” I jab.
I rush out the club’s door to the sounds of Eastlyn calling my name behind me.
39
Working Out the Kinks
Keaton
It’s Saturday afternoon, exactly one week since the night Kami stormed out of Sip Club.
A week of complete radio silence.
A week since I’ve seen or heard from either Kami or my sister.
I even skipped out on the family’s Sunday brunch, a thing I never do.
One full week where I’ve been a fucking nightmare to be around, a week of forcing myself to leave Kami the hell alone.
One week, and I’m done being patient.
Sitting at Planet Bean, I sip my Freedom Fighter coffee, my favourite dark roast of theirs. An artist friend of mine designed all the graphics for the coffee bags and the logo for the place, so I try to support them as much as possible. I’m waiting for my sister to grace me with her presence. Eastlyn’s words from last Saturday have plagued my mind all week.
“What did you do? You’re a real dick sometimes, Keaton, you know that? You better not have said anything to hurt my best friend! This is why I stand in your way. This right here…”
Mocking me, a teasing and hurtful reminder of who I am in the eyes of my sister, of how she’s always seen me—a villain, the man who could never be enough for her best friend.
“No, you have to stay away. There is no way I will let you break her…”
“You are nowhere ready to be the man Kam deserves…”
“Too many oats to sow…”
“You’ll hurt her…”
“You’re not ready to settle…”
“Kami’s too sweet…she’s not like the others…”
“Maybe when you’re serious…”
Today I’m meeting with Eastlyn to speak openly and honestly. It’s time I call her out on her bullshit, and me on mine, while admitting that I’ve messed up royally. I’ve allowed myself to harp and dwell on these thoughts for years, on the sharp memory of Eastlyn’s words, allowing them to serve as kindling, stacking them up and building a fire of resentment and anger. A fire I realized I’d ignited and let get out of control this whole week, once I spent some time self-reflecting and loathing myself for letting my relationships with Kami and Eastlyn get to this point. I have never gone this long without talking to either of these women and it’s killing me.
How the hell do people deal with this?
Why on earth do people choose to have these…feelings?
Like.
Lust.
Love.
Want.
Need.
It’s a total head trip, and Kami Sutherland has got my emotions off-roading in a Prius.
I think I’m going to lose my shit, and when the hell did I start to care so much, anyway?
Oh right, when I went and fell for my sister’s best friend.
“Hey, Keat!” I look up to see Eastlyn barrelling her way over to me. I smile, realizing how much I’ve missed her.
“Hey. It’s good to see you. Thanks for agreeing to come.” I gesture for her to sit, then for our server.
“I was happy you called. If you hadn’t, I would have. We’ve let this stint of silence get out of hand.” She smiles more-or-less warmly as she removes her red jacket and takes her seat.
She quickly speaks to the server. “I’ll have a pot of Earl Grey, please.”
“Sure thing. I’ll be but a minute.” The older woman says.
“I love Kami,” I blurt, “like full-on, fuck-my-world-up love her.”
“Does she know?” Eastlyn volleys back, as if I didn’t just drop a bomb.
“I thought she did, but I’m not so sure anymore. Have I told her myself? No.”
“And why the hell not? Why are you here with me, and not with her?”
“Why are you here with me, and not with McCoy?” I give as good as I get.
“Because you called, and I came. You?”
“First, thank you for coming. Second, it’s about damn time you and McCoy got together, and third, I needed to talk to you first.”
“Of course I’d come. I’ll always be here for you. As for Coy and me, trust me, we’re still working out the kinks, but nothing is official. I’ll probably kill McCoy soon, so keep your big mouth on lockdown in case I need an alibi,” she winks.
“I can do that.” I pretend to zip my lips.
“So, you wanted to talk to me?” she says, seeming surprised. “About what? You know how I feel. I want you two together, if that’s what will make you both happy.” She thanks our server and opens the teapot, dipping the tea bag in and out while she waits on me.
“She’s your girl. You’re protective.” I pause, and she speaks right away.
“And you’re my brother, I’m equally as protective. Don’t for one second think I’m not,” she assures me, and I wonder if she’s being as hard on Kam as she’s been on me.
“Means a lot, East. I might not always show it, but I only ever do what I think is best for you, too.”
“I know,” she grins, both of us knowing we’re referring to the same person.
“He should know not to fuck with you too much. You let me know if he’s being too much of a shit. I’ll set him straight.”
“Pretty sure I can handle Mr. Graves just fine on my own, thanks.”
I laugh, because it’s true. “No doubt, you always were a bit on the scary side,” I say, and feel a swift kick to my s
hin. “Ouch.” I take a sip from my mug before shifting topics, knowing shit’s about to get serious.
“So…you and Kam, eh?” She smiles happily.
“We haven’t talked since Sip Club,” I admit, saying what I’m sure isn’t news to her.
“You’re both being stubborn. You hurt each other, and honestly, you were being a total ass. Not the good type of Neanderthal. There’s a fine line, Keat.”
“You’re right. Sip Club was not my finest hour, trust me, I know. It’s time I make changes, East. This is going to come out wrong, so bear with me,” I say. “The fact is, I’ve let you interfere for too long. I’ve held back on my feelings with Kami, not ever feeling I was good enough because of the things you say about me. Maybe you were joking, but it’s put a wedge between Kam and me.” Hopefully, East won’t get pissed off and storm out on me. She sits and listens, letting me have the floor. So far, so good. “And I have to tell you, I blame both of us for how long it’s taken me to get here, to be able to admit my feelings. I think we’ve both played a role in fucking up.”
She cocks her head, placing the lid back on the pot and pouring the tea, steam billowing from the cup.
“You and Kam?”
“No, East. You and me.”
She looks up from her tea, and that sense of understanding surfaces again. “Makes sense.” She gestures for me to go on.
“The things you said to me outside your room that night of Truth or Dare…”
“Keat, we were young. You were nineteen, I was just eighteen…what the hell did I know?” she says, placing her elbows on the table and giving me her full attention. “I never said you weren’t good enough, Keat. I said you weren’t ready. There’s a huge difference, like I told you back then,” she says, her voice heavy with emotion.
“Back then it meant something, whether you realized it or not. It meant everything coming from you. You’re my sister. I love and respect you. God, East, I fucking internalized that conversation. Internalized it, let it play on my mind with most of the things I did in my life—college, art school, opening the shop, never confronting Kami…”
“Keat, I’m so, so sorry,” my sister says, covering my hand with hers. “I’m proud of you. You deserve the world. You’re an amazing guy. I never meant it any other way than you being too young for a serious relationship with a girl like Kam. God, Keat, what you must think of me.”
“No. Don’t be upset. I did it to myself. I took your words and made them apply to every part of me. You were right about Kami. I was basically an emotionally-stunted guy with no right to think I deserved a girl like her. And hearing my own sister’s opinions of me stung, sure, but like I said, at the time you were right. Until you weren’t.” I smile, thinking of Kami over the years. “Spending time with her, getting to know her better, sharing in her triumphs and tribulations, I became invested, developed a deep emotional concern and mutual respect for her. All the while trying to transform myself from a punk with a hard-on to a man who loves her and has the patience, understanding, and desire to give her the best ending I can. And I’m finally ready to leave that guy from Sip Club in the past. I’m ready to be the man she deserves.”
“Jesus, Keat,” Eastlyn says, sniffling.
“I’m not done.” I hand her a napkin. “Thing is, I fucked up, royally. I got so inside my head, and I took too long. I’ve loved her for years. Years, East, and at some point, I’ve reverted back to that punk and sat idly by like some chickenshit, too scared to…what? Be happy? Fuck.” I run my hands through my hair, and take a deep breath. “I’ve wasted so much time, East. I should have taken the leap years ago.” I go quiet, overcome with emotion at how messed up things have gotten.
“Well, let’s fix that,” she harrumphs, like it’s the easiest thing to do. “It’s your birthday next week, right?”
“So?”
“Leave it to me, big brother. Let’s get you your girl,” she winks, then grins conspiratorially. “One thing?”
“Yeah?”
“Let’s not tell Mom about all these new developments just yet.”
I nod in agreement because, hell, I don’t want to think of the consequences of Katie Hatfield being in the loop on her kids’ love lives.
“I wouldn’t want her to OD on happiness and cake batter prematurely,” Eastlyn adds, offering her pinky, and I take it in mine and we do our pinky swear.
For the first time in a week, I know I’m ready to jump—all-in this time.
Now, to get the chance.
40
It’s My Party, I Can Do What I Want To
Keaton
She came to celebrate my birthday.
Kami Sutherland was a lot of things, but selfish and cruel she wasn’t. I felt like a jerk for having my birthday land in the middle of our silent war, but when my sister said last week at the coffee shop to leave it up to her, I knew Eastlyn was right. I knew with almost 90 percent certainty that Kam wouldn’t miss my so-called party, even if it killed us both. Because, like I said, Kam is selfless and kind.
Laser tag.
What a way to ring in 28.
McCoy had judged and teased me for it, but where else would I get the chance to run around with the hope of cornering Kami alone in the dark? Especially when we aren’t currently talking.
“Welcome to Laser Quest. My name is Devon. Before we begin, do we have any newbs here tonight?” our guru asks. We’re currently all gathered in the holding room, sitting on benches.
Eastlyn and Kami are sitting across from McCoy and me, and I can’t take my eyes off of Kami. I haven’t for more than a minute or two since she arrived at my parents’ house just in time for cake. I’d never put much stock into blowing out my candles and making a wish—until tonight. While my family and friends sang a horrible rendition of “Happy Birthday” around the table where my mom had placed a “Captain Underpants”-themed cake in front of me (I’d laughed at seeing one of my long-time heroes make a comeback), my stare had never wavered from Kami, who was standing directly in front of me. Lucky for me, Kami appears to be as much of a masochist as I am.
“Stop, staring at me,” she’d mouthed, shaking her head when everyone was clapping and cheering at the end of the song.
“Never!” I’d taken a risk and mouthed back. Then my sister took the heat off me when she loudly gave McCoy shit for something, like always, making everyone laugh. Except me and Kam, we simply stared at one another. Even with so much being unsaid, I knew from the way we were looking at each other that we’d eventually find our way forward. So, with my attention still glued on Kami, I’d tilted my head, smirked, and wished with all my might, blowing out Captain Underpants’s candles, and sending a wish of what I want to come true the most into the hands of the Captain himself. Hopefully he’ll get an assist from his trusty sidekicks—the birthday wizards, or gods, or elves, or whomever—to make it come true.
“We’ve never played,” Kami admits sheepishly, and I don’t blame her. This laser tag guy’s a little intense.
Devon’s face lights up, and I laugh. Kam shoots me a look. “Great,” he says, “I’ll run through a few tips and tricks for you, then I’ll assign teams and get you all suited up and playing as soon as I can, so bear with me.”
“Sounds good,” I say, raising my eyebrows at Kami.
“First things first: you will sweat. It’s hot as hell in there, so, ladies, you might want to tie that hair up.”
“Great, exercise on a Saturday night. What we all need in our lives,” Kami says, shooting me some cut-eye. Of course, I simply nod in approval.
“I know how much you like a good work out, Kam. Seven days a week,” I laugh, and she harrumphs and rolls her eyes.
“Okay, let’s get started.” Devon claps his hands excitedly. “Number one: learn the layout. I suggest taking a quick walk around the floor to see if you can find a few spots that will give you a wicked vantage point, but also some cover and protection. But I always like to remind people: playing too safe is boring! So, after
30 seconds, if you haven’t shot anyone it’s time to move on. Find the action,” he says, his voice booming with so much enthusiasm, we all laugh, agreeing to play hardcore.
“Two: the upper levels are great if you want to shoot targets from higher ground or need a break, but, again, can be boring because you’re not right in the game’s action.” He grins and looks around at us all, making sure we’re still with him.
“You’re mine,” I mouth to Kam, letting her know I’ve caught her looking my way.
“You wish, Hatfield,” she mouths back.
I certainly do. “Just you wait,” I respond, and mean it in every way she can interpret it.
“Three: don’t always stay upright. Walk like a crab, crawl, or slither on the ground. It will give you the best protection as long as you remember to keep moving. Standing in one place like a chump will get you shot!” he says, and my buddy Philip yells out how much he likes this kid.
“And, finally: if you see someone aiming at you, and you can’t escape, try turning sideways.” Devon nods, pleased with himself. “Any questions?”
“Yeah, can you be on our team?” Eastlyn asks, making us all laugh and Devon blush.
“No, but if you need me, I’ll be right in the other room,” he tells her reassuringly.
“Better watch him. He’s makin’ your girl all smitten with his laser knowledge,” I say, leaning in to Coy as we all stand, ready to play.
“Watch it, birthday boy. I still owe you some thumps.”
“Bumps,” I correct.
“Thumps,” he says, thumping me on the head before walking towards my sister.
“You can be on my team, I’ll keep you protected,” I tell Kami as we start to file into the adjacent room where they store all the gear.
First Love (Winning at Love Book 2) Page 22