The Ring

by Sarah Anne Carter

  “We’ve decided to retire this summer,” her mom said. “Our plans are just to stay in this house and travel when we want. We’ll both stay on the list for subbing, but we can choose the classes we want to take.”

  “Wow! Congratulations!”

  “That also means we can help take care of the baby if you want to work,” her mom said.

  Amanda was quiet for a minute. She didn’t know yet what she wanted to do.

  “I haven’t even thought that far ahead,” Amanda said.

  “We’ll figure it all out in time,” her mom said.

  The next day, Amanda called Juliana to tell her the news. Juliana was quiet and then asked Amanda how she felt about it. Amanda explained her mixed emotions, but how she had felt that bit of hope when she could see the baby and knew Lucas would always be with her. Juliana congratulated her and had some excitement in her voice. Amanda thought it was nice that Juliana wanted to see how Amanda was feeling before giving her own reaction.

  “I’m going to tell you something that you can’t tell your parents yet. I’m eight weeks pregnant!”

  “What? No way?”

  “Yep, we’re waiting a few more weeks to tell people but how amazing is it that we both get to do the pregnancy thing together.”

  Amanda laughed. She hadn’t laughed in weeks.

  “Oh, what was that? I think ... Juliana, I think I just felt the baby kick!”

  “He must like to hear your laugh.”

  “He, huh?”

  “Of course, because I’m already pretty sure I’ve got a girl and so you need to have a boy and then we’ll be in-laws in about 28 years.”

  Amanda laughed again. So did Juliana. It felt like she hadn’t laughed in a very long time, and it felt good.

  Over the next few weeks, Amanda dealt with all the new details in her life. She found a doctor and got a complete checkup. She was in good health, and the baby was as big as it should be. She needed to take some prenatal vitamins to get her iron levels up a little more. She decided to not find out if the baby was a boy or girl. The surprise would be a small, last gift from Lucas. She knew the baby would be named after him either way – Lucy if she was a girl.

  She also told Capt. Stegner, who was working on changing her move from Spokane to Tacoma. She was going to have her stuff moved to a storage unit until she found a place long term. She was working with a realtor to find a small three-bedroom house and was hoping to end up not too far from her parents. Capt. Stegner was going to fly out in February to do a final check on her and transfer her to a local casualty assistance representative. He said she’d be in good hands with Capt. Thomas. Capt. Stegner knew him from pilot training. They wouldn’t be able to add the baby to any paperwork until the baby was born and she had a birth certificate. She and the baby were both covered by health insurance through the military, and while she could opt to have her baby on the base, she decided to use the off-base network and see a doctor she knew. That way the baby would be born in the same hospital where Amanda was born.

  In April, Amanda finally moved into a house that was only a 10-minute drive from her parents’ house. It was tan with dark blue shutters, and everything was on one floor. It had three bedrooms and a fenced in yard. The previous owners even left a playset with a slide and two swings. The house had a large front porch and an attached garage. There was even air conditioning for the few days in the summer they might need it. Juliana and Brian flew out for a long weekend to help her move in. Her dad borrowed a truck from someone at work. The guys delivered all the boxes, while the ladies unpacked and put things where they belonged – and took lots of pregnancy breaks. The previous owners had left all the appliances as a free bonus, and Amanda knew the realtor had told them a war widow was buying the house. At first, she didn’t like the idea because it seemed like pity. Then she realized how much time, hassle, and money they were saving her and they probably just wanted to help somehow – just like she would. She made sure to write them a thoughtful thank you note for her realtor to deliver. Once all the boxes were in the garage, the guys started setting up the big furniture, which included a new crib in the bedroom closest to the master bedroom. The walls had all been freshly painted a nice light brown color a few months before when the owners put the house on the market. Amanda was just going to use wall stickers to decorate the nursery, although she still hadn’t picked out a theme. That was hard to do without knowing whether the baby was a boy or a girl.

  The house was just about set by the time Juliana and Brian had to head back home. They went out to dinner at Phyllos on their last night there to celebrate. When the meal was served, Brian raised his glass for a toast.

  “To Lucas,” he said. “May he always be with us and may we love Amanda in his place.”

  Amanda faintly smiled and felt her eyes welling up with tears as she participated in the toast. She was glad she was not alone to face this future without Lucas.

  Amanda decided to spend the first year getting settled and spending time with her baby before thinking about going back to work. She met with a financial planner from the base several times to review how best to invest and use the insurance money from the military. It was a big help to have some financial security for a while. She would have to go back to work at some point, but if she was careful, she and the baby could get along comfortably on a teacher’s salary and interest payments. She had learned the baby would have his or her own benefits from the military that would help with education and insurance.

  She spent the last few weeks before her due date making sure the house was clean and in order, napping, and started going through the boxes with Lucas’ personal belongings. She wanted to put some of his things in the baby’s room, and she was hoping it would help her pick out a theme. Sometimes she was still mad at him for not being there, but that was mostly when she wasn’t feeling well or when it got hard to do things being so pregnant, like tying her shoes. Lucas would have already had a theme picked out, and he probably would have painted the baby’s room.

  She had only put one picture of them up, and it was on the office desk. It was the picture of them in front of the Alaska Railroad train. It was a memory tied to the baby, so she could look at it and just get teary, but not fall apart. When she had opened the box that had all the photos of them from the mantel, the rest of the photos left her crying for almost three hours. She had put that box in the office/guest room closet, along with the photo album from Alaska when she came across it. Someday, she’d be able to look at their pictures again.

  Amanda realized as she looked at the assortment of T-shirts she’d kept and the items she had saved that there was a definite theme to Lucas’ life, and the theme for the baby’s room became clear – travel. She would get a large wall sticker of the earth and stickers that looked like various passport stamps. She had a boomerang from Australia, a pair of chopsticks from Japan, a tea tin from England, and a tiny gondola from Italy. Lucas had tried to get a souvenir from every country he visited in case he never got the chance to go back. She called her mom that night to tell her, and her mom was thrilled.

  They spent every night that week shopping for decorations, and her parents helped her put everything in order over the weekend. They even found a globe lamp and airplane night lights. As if the baby knew Amanda was finally ready, she went into labor the next day.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  No one had told her there was a possibility the baby wouldn’t come home with her. Her labor lasted 16 hours. Amanda got an epidural and experienced very little pain once the epidural started working. Her mother was in the delivery room with her, and Juliana called every hour to check on her.

  “It’s a girl!” they said and showed Amanda her little face before taking her to the exam table. They were just supposed to check her over and wipe her off and give her back to Amanda. The nurse listened to Lucy’s heart for a long time and called the doctor over. The doctor listened and nodded to the nurse. The nurse took the baby and started walking out of the room a
s the doctor walked over to Amanda.

  “Your baby’s heart is not beating correctly. We are going to do some quick tests to see what is happening.”

  “I need to go with my baby!” Amanda cried. The doctor held her hand and told her they would need to finish taking care of her and then they would take her to the baby.

  “Most likely, the hole in her heart is taking its time to close, but we want to be careful.”

  Amanda’s mother consoled her the best she could while Amanda’s body finished the birth process. Then, a wheelchair was brought in, and Amanda was taken to her baby. They had just finished up the tests, and Amanda was allowed to hold her for a minute before they took her to surgery.

  “The baby’s heart is flowing in reverse. While I know heart surgery on a baby sound scary, this is not a rare event and it is a minor surgery. She should recover in just a few weeks, but she will need to spend time in the NICU.”

  Amanda gazed into Lucy’s eyes and kissed her forehead before handing her back to the doctor. Amanda could see Lucy was a little blue and needed help. As soon as Lucy was out of the room, she sobbed. It was like she was losing Lucas all over again.

  “Please, God, if you’re there, let Lucy be all right. I can’t lose her, too!” A nurse took her back to her room where the bassinet beside the bed sat empty. Her mom and dad stayed with her, but they all stayed quiet. A nurse came in to check on Amanda’s vitals every hour. Amanda didn’t answer when Juliana called. She couldn’t talk until she knew her baby was okay. It was three hours before the doctor came back from surgery to let her know Lucy was going to be just fine. Amanda cried again, grateful tears this time.

  “Can I see her?” was the first thing Amanda asked. They got the wheelchair again and took her to the NICU. Lucy was under a hard plastic shell with several monitors attached to her. She wore a little diaper and a pink hat. She had a small bandage in the middle of her chest. Based on the size of the bandage, the scar would probably be small, Amanda guessed. The card on the outside said Baby Weston. Amanda would write “Lucy” on it as soon as she found a pen.

  Amanda spent three days in the hospital. The nurse showed her how to use a pump to save breastmilk for when Lucy was off the IV. The hospital gave a good pump to every mother with a child in the NICU to help them with the transition. Amanda stayed in the NICU with Lucy most of the day, only going back to her room for short naps. The nurses in the NICU were great about having family around to spend time with the babies. When she was discharged, though, she was only allowed to be there during the day. The nurses suggested leaving a photo of her parents in the incubator for Lucy to see. Amanda told her mom where to find the one from Alaska on her desk. The photo was taped up before Amanda said goodbye to Lucy. Her mom drove her home, and Amanda cried the entire way.

  The first few nights at home, her mother stayed in the guest room in case Amanda needed her. Amanda got up to pump every two hours and often found herself crying through the whole thing. She would fall asleep crying after looking through the pictures on her phone of Lucy over and over again. It was a hard two weeks waiting for Lucy to be strong enough to come home. Each day when she got to the hospital, she found notes and gift cards propped up on Lucy’s incubator. Word had gotten around about the baby who would never meet her father because he had died serving his country. They even found a pink camouflage baby hat for Lucy to wear.

  Amanda was expecting the NICU stay to last a few more days when a nurse told her one morning upon her arrival that the doctor was considering letting Lucy go home that day after his rounds. Amanda could barely contain her excitement and found herself hugging the nurse. The nurse looked a little jolted but smiled at Amanda after she let her go.

  “She must have someone strong looking after her to recover that quickly from heart surgery,” the nurse said. “I got permission to take her out and give her a bath. Let’s do that and then you can hold her until the doctor comes.”

  Amanda gave Lucy her first bath, and another nurse took a picture of it at Amanda’s request. They got her all bundled up, this time in a pink camo blanket to match her hat. Lucy just snuggled up to Amanda and fell right to sleep. Amanda rocked in one of the chairs provided for NICU moms and just stared at Lucy. One tear fell down her cheek as she thought of how much Lucas would be in love with this little girl. He would not have wanted to name her Lucy, but she knew he would be happy about Amanda making sure she would always know her father’s name. For a small moment, she could almost feel his presence right there with her and Lucy enjoying the peaceful moment. Amanda found herself smiling and closing her eyes to picture Lucas’ face. It was just for a moment because then the doctor came in and announced Lucy would be his first patient that day – and she would be going home.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Amanda loved having Lucy home, but she was very tired all the time. School was out, so her mother came by at least twice a week to help out during the night. Lucy woke up like clockwork every two hours. At least Amanda wasn’t having too much trouble with nursing the baby. The soreness was typical, but a lactation consultant helped her at Lucy’s first two checkups and she had all the tools she needed to soothe her body and feed Lucy.

  When Lucy was one month old, Juliana came out for a week and Amanda couldn’t believe how big she was for only being seven months pregnant. She said she was enjoying eating for two. She brought along some ultrasound pictures and the last one showed that she would be having a boy!

  “You see, our children are destined to be together!”

  “We’ll have to see what they think,” Amanda laughed. “Maybe arranged marriages will be in fashion in the future.”

  “We can hope. Brian wanted me to ask you if we could give him the middle name Luke as a way to honor Lucas.”

  “What? Really?”

  “Yes, it was actually Brian who brought it up and thought of doing Luke. I loved it, but I told him we would have to ask you.”

  “Oh course, Juliana. I don’t know what to say except thank you.’“ Amanda heard Lucy fussing, and they both walked over from the living room to her crib in the nursery. Juliana picked her up and then took her right to the changing table.

  “How can one little girl smell so bad? Ugh!”

  “Here, I’ll do the stinky ones. You know, I thought that I was going to escape the memory of Lucas and his death by going to Spokane and living where I didn’t know anyone. Did you know my plan was to not tell anyone I was married at all?”

  “I wondered why you didn’t want to go back home, but you hadn’t told me that part.”

  “Now, I can’t believe I wanted to do that. I now want Lucas to be a part of our daily conversation and life so Lucy can know all about him. It’s completely different than what I was planning, but my heart feels more at peace with this than I think it ever would have pretending my husband didn’t die.”

  “None of this can be easy, and I know everyone has to make their own path when they grieve. I’m kind of glad you have Lucy, though, and that you came back to a world where Lucas lives on. He loved you so much.”

  Both women were teary eyed as Amanda sat down to feed Lucy.

  “Thank you. It’s nice to hear that. I miss hearing him say it.”

  Amanda kept both of Lucas’ parents informed about Lucy in an email every few days. Her own parents had been the ones to call them and update them when Lucy was born and in the hospital. They had promised to spread the word to the rest of the family. She sent them pictures and answered their questions about how she was growing and what she was doing. They had both sent gifts, but she was most surprised by the box of photo albums Lucas’ mom had sent along with a note saying it was more important for Lucy to see her dad than for her to have the albums sitting on a shelf. One day soon, though, she’d come visit and they could scan the photos and create a duplicate album for her to take back to Florida. Amanda spent several days with the albums just spread on the dining room table flipping through the pages and seeing the boy of the man she loved
. No, loves. She had pulled out the photos they had kept on the mantel and their Alaska photo book and put them on display in the living room. It would look and feel as if Lucas was in this home, even if he never got to come home. Even if seeing him still made her eyes tear up most of the time.

  After Juliana left, Amanda told her mom she didn’t need to come at night anymore. Lucy was starting to sleep for four to five hours, and Amanda felt like she was fully coming back to life again. Her mom came by one afternoon a week to give her a break and help with the baby and clean. A few times, she was able to run out for an errand or two by herself. Aunt Vicky came by on a different afternoon once a week, too, to do the same thing. Amanda was very thankful that both of them were so willing to help, but they both told her it was the least they could do to help her and Lucy. They didn’t say it out loud, but they all knew it was hard for Amanda to be a full-time single parent.

  “Every mom needs sanity breaks,” Aunt Vicky said. “People helped me, now I’m helping you. You’ll help others someday.”

  Capt. Thomas came by with his wife once a week on Wednesday afternoons now that Amanda told him she and the baby were settled. He had made sure to call once a week like Capt. Stegner, even when Lucy was in the NICU. They always brought over a casserole. They had brought Lucy some outfits and a soft, fuzzy blanket that had a C-17 embroidered on it. They both went with her when she had to get the paperwork filled out and submitted to add Lucy as one of Lucas’ dependents for the military. They gave her a list of ways their benefits would change now that there were two survivors and not just one. She put the list by her laptop and made sure to check everything over when she paid bills twice a month.

  At one of their visits, Capt. Thomas asked if could bring another widow next time to talk to her about the Gold Star group they had in the area. He explained it was a group for widows and families of the fallen. They had a bimonthly support group meeting, did some outings together, and fundraised to help other military families. Amanda agreed. The following week, Clara came along with Capt. Thomas and his wife.