‘I was tired,’ Greta replied.
‘I’m tired too. I’ve hardly slept a wink in weeks. But I didn’t start taking drugs.’
‘I regularly missed days of sleep. And the nightmares were back.’
‘What nightmares?’ Stephen asked. ‘This is the first I’ve heard about any nightmare.’
‘Do you mean the bad dreams you had as a little girl?’ Ray asked. ‘I can remember when I babysat you, you would wake up in a pool of sweat, screaming the house down.’
Stephen looked at Ray with irritation. ‘All kids have nightmares.’
‘Yes, those nightmares Uncle Ray. I’ll regret taking that first sleeping tablet for the rest of my life. But that night after I took it, I slept. For eight hours straight. It was the best night’s sleep I’d ever had. I thought I’d found the cure for my insomnia.’
‘Some cure,’ Stephen spluttered.
‘I know that now. But back then, the feeling I had the next day was something I hadn’t experienced in years. I felt alive, energized, ready to take on anything life threw at me. I had an audition that day, and I was electric in that room. Even when they changed the lines at the last minute, I nailed it. The casting director said so.’
‘You still didn’t get the part though,’ Stephen said.
‘No, Dad. I didn’t get the part.’ Greta sighed.
‘Have you had any of the nightmares since you’ve been in here, love?’ Emily asked.
Greta nodded. ‘A few.’
‘Can you help her with those?’ Emily asked Noreen. ‘Is there a pill she can take …’ Then she stopped, putting her hand over her mouth. ‘I’m sorry. That was silly.’
Noreen shook her head. ‘Not silly at all, Emily. We’re giving Greta some techniques to help her get to sleep. Yoga and meditation before bed every evening has been of real benefit.’
‘I suggested we do yoga together, but you wouldn’t come with me,’ Emily said.
‘That was then, Mam. I guess I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. This yoga is different; it’s about relaxation and meditation. It’s helping.’
‘Why don’t you all share with Greta how her addiction affected you personally? Pick one incident and share how it made you feel. Who would like to go first?’ Noreen’s voice was gentle and kind as she looked at each of Greta’s family, one by one.
Greta tried to make herself smaller in her chair, which was impossible because her arse still spilt out, leaving her with no wriggle-room. She tried to guess what incidents her family would mention. In fairness, they had quite a big arsenal of offences to quote.
Emily began to tell them all about Christmas Day just passed. ‘Greta went to her room after lunch, saying she needed a nap. We were all in the living room, watching—’
‘Indiana Jones.’ Aidan obliged her by filling in the blank.
‘That’s right. I do like Harrison Ford. He’s a real man. A man’s man. I didn’t much care for him in that Six Days Seven Nights. I can’t quite work out whether I like Callista or not—’
‘Mam.’ Aidan gave Emily a nudge.
Greta smiled at her mam; she’d missed her long-winded answers.
‘Oh yes, where was I?’
‘Christmas Day.’ Greta helped her out.
‘Oh yes, well Greta walked in. As if in a trance. But yet she was awake. Weird to see, actually.’
‘Of course, we now know she was off her head,’ Aidan said.
‘Aidan!’ Emily hissed. ‘As I was saying, Greta stood in front of the telly, totally blocking out Indy. Then she started to re-enact The Wizard of Oz. Every part. Now I’m partial to a “ding dong the witch is dead” singsong, while I’m watching the movie, but not while Indy is trying to escape from a group of Nazis!’
Greta could have sworn she heard Sam snigger here.
‘Sorry, Mam,’ Greta said.
‘Well, you do have a lovely voice. And it was quite something when you got to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.’
Once they began to talk, it was as if a dam had broken as they confessed all of Greta’s sins for her.
Greta whispered apologies for each offence and hoped that they would run out of steam soon.
But then it was Aidan’s turn, who gave her a look so filled with loathing that it made her shiver. ‘Stop saying sorry, G! There’s nothing you can say that will make this OK. We’ve not even begun to get to the good stuff. Like how about the time you did a Facebook live video while off your face, and how it went viral? That was fun in college, knowing that people were ripping the piss out of my big sister. Or how about all the times you nearly burned the house down, cos you decided to have a midnight feast but forgot to turn the grill off before you passed out. Leaving Ciaran and me to take the blame. But of course, god forbid any of us ever suggested that it was you who did it!’
Greta felt a flush sweep over her body, remembering the shove Aidan gave her in the hall a few weeks back, after the last grill incident. He’d known all along that it was her. Where was the sibling code now? What kind of a sister was she?
Ciaran reached over and touched his brother’s arm lightly, ‘Easy now.’
The room sparked with Aidan’s anger. Emily began to cry. Then Ciaran spoke. ‘You don’t know what it was like for us, G. That Facebook video was messed up.’
Greta couldn’t deny that. In fact that video was another thing that haunted her. She remembered the dread exploding into a million pieces in her stomach, her chest, her head, when her brothers showed her the video.
Seeing herself on the screen, in her pyjamas. She’d wanted to cry, she’d wanted to run, she’d wanted to be anywhere else than right there, watching the horror story unfold. The face on the screen was a version of Greta that she didn’t know. One that she didn’t want to see or think about. Everything around her faded, blurred, disappeared into nothing until all that there was in front of her was this thing on the screen.
And the thing was her.
Her pyjamas were too tight. And the top was bunched up over her stomach revealing a flash of white, dimpled flesh that hung over the waistband of her trousers.
She figured she must have hit the Live button by mistake. She was mortified about it, but she’d not really thought about how it must have affected her brothers.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said for the hundredth time. ‘I know you don’t want me to say that, but I don’t know what else to say.’
Ciaran whispered: ‘We just want our big sister back. That’s all.’
Greta looked at each of her family and tried to convey her deep sorrow at the pain she’d caused them. And that’s when Greta realized something. Her father couldn’t look her in the eye.
‘Dad?’ Greta asked.
He didn’t respond.
Emily nudged him roughly in his side. ‘Say something.’
He remained silent, and Greta felt a stab of anger. ‘You always have something to say. Don’t tell me you’ve finally got no pearls of wisdom for me.’
Stephen stood up. He walked over to his daughter and stood over her, ‘You want me to speak? Well, how about this? I didn’t want to come here today to talk about how messed up you are. But if you want me to join in, no problem. You nearly drowned, G. You were under the water when we found you. If your mother hadn’t insisted that we break the door down, you would have died. Another minute and that would have been it.’
‘I’ve always had a sixth sense when it comes to the children,’ Emily said, forlornly.
‘And there you were in the water, like a beached whale. I had to get the lads to help me haul you out. Have you any idea what that was like for us?’ Stephen said. He walked back to his chair and sat down.
Greta pulled her top away from her tummy, feeling everyone’s eyes on the beached whale in the room.
‘Is it my fault?’ Emily asked.
Greta shook her head.
‘No one ever wakes up and thinks they want to be an addict. It creeps up on you,’ Noreen said.
‘You’re not supposed to
live your life this way. This is not the future we envisioned for you,’ Emily said.
‘Greta’s self-image is wrapped up in her addiction. One feeds the other, and both have to be understood,’ Noreen said.
‘But you are remarkable. Beautiful. Expressive. Creative … You’re my gorgeous girl,’ Emily said.
‘I don’t feel gorgeous, Mam, that’s part of the problem,’ Greta admitted.
‘You’ve got such a pretty face,’ Emily said.
‘Have you any idea what it’s like to be the fat one in the family?’ Greta looked at them, one by one. ‘I feel like the outsider. The odd one out in a room full of beautiful, fit, thin people.’
‘You’re not the odd one out,’ Stephen shouted. ‘What a thing to say!’
‘You’re all out running together. Aidan and Ciaran are sporty, playing hurling and soccer every day. And I know how proud you are of them both.’
‘I’m proud of you too,’ Stephen said.
‘I see how you look at me. You’re disgusted by my size.’ The hidden fault line that had existed between them for years threatened to split open wide.
‘Are you ashamed of your daughter?’ Noreen asked.
‘Not in the least!’
‘Yes you are, Dad,’ Aidan said. ‘You talk about it all the time. You make comments about everything G eats. Have done for years.’
Stephen said, ‘That doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of Greta, though.’ He turned towards her and said, ‘I’ve never been ashamed of you. I love you.’
‘But you’re ashamed of how I look. My size. Just admit it, Dad,’ Greta replied. ‘You called me a beached whale only a few moments ago.’
‘He did!’ Eileen shouted from the back of the room. ‘Out of order!’
Silence filled the room as everyone turned to look at Stephen. Emily willed him to shout no, never, I don’t care how she looks. But he didn’t.
‘If you insist on pushing me, I think you do not exert enough self-control. You don’t try very hard to lose weight,’ Stephen replied eventually.
‘Stephen!’ Emily was aghast. ‘He doesn’t mean that.’
‘Yes, he does,’ Greta replied. ‘Dad, do you think I’m not aware of my size? Because I know how big I am. And more than anything else in the world, I wish I was thinner. Then maybe, just maybe, I would fit into your perfect world.’
‘All I try to do is motivate you,’ Stephen said. ‘Encourage you to lose weight.’
‘Do you know how hard it is to hear you constantly say things like I should go for a run with the lads? Or watch you move the food from me when Mam puts it on the dining-room table, so I can’t reach it to go for seconds?’
‘Isn’t it better not to have temptation at arm’s reach? And while they are training, you could run around the pitch – what’s so bad about that suggestion?’ Stephen said.
‘It doesn’t matter what size she is. We have a beautiful daughter,’ Emily said to him.
‘I love my daughter and I want her to live. Not end up on a slab in the morgue, because her heart can’t take any more,’ Stephen replied.
Greta felt his bitter disappointment in her and she didn’t know how to fix it. There were only so many times she could apologize. But then he said something that she herself believed to be true. Something that she had never acknowledged out loud, but kept inside of her, buried deep.
‘You had it all, G. You used to be the cutest person on this planet, and you blew it. We used to go out, and everyone would point and stare and say, that’s the girl from the advert. But now, instead, they point and stare at the fatty.’
There was an audible gasp in the room.
Ray shouted, ‘Enough!’ to Stephen, as Emily turned to Greta and clasped her hands between her own. ‘Oh love, I had no idea that you were this upset about how you looked. I wish you had talked to me. I would have liked to help. And I didn’t know your father’s comments bothered you so much. He’s just trying to help, that’s all. We all are.’
‘I keep it all in and act like everything is OK, Mam. Every day I pretend that I don’t notice the judgement. I see the looks you guys make to each other when I go to the fridge for something to eat. And that’s not just Dad. It’s all of you. I’m tired of being Big G. Just so very tired.’ She wiped tears from her eyes with the back of her sweatshirt sleeve.
Aidan said. ‘I don’t care how you look.’
‘Me either,’ Ciaran added. ‘Who gives a shit what size you are, G. I never cared about that. I just don’t want you taking those pills any more. I want to go back to the way it used to be, with us three having a laugh together.’
‘Big G in da house,’ Greta whispered.
‘Yes!’ Ciaran replied, smiling.
‘I hate that name,’ Greta admitted.
‘No you don’t!’ Stephen jumped in. ‘You love it. Always have done. What has been going on here this past two weeks? All these things you’re saying? Out of the blue! It’s bloody ridiculous.’
‘I haven’t loved that nickname for a long time.’
‘So because we’ve called you the wrong name, it’s all our fault?’ Stephen said. ‘I was waiting for the blame game to begin. It’s always the bloody parents’ fault.’
‘I don’t think anyone is saying that,’ Ray jumped in. He knew his brother, and he knew Stephen hated to be wrong. That was the problem when you spent most of your life being right. It was hard to ever accept the possibility of being wrong.
‘Dad, I’m not blaming you. It’s all on me,’ Greta said.
‘Sometimes I think you hate us all,’ Stephen said.
‘It’s me I hate, Dad. Not you. Never you,’ Greta whispered.
Emily sobbed and looked at each of her family, one by one, begging them to find the right words to say, to make this right again.
‘Can I say something?’ Ray asked. ‘Ever since you could toddle your way into a room, you could light it up. Always smiling, quick to laugh. Bubbly. I think that’s worth noting. This past year you might have changed, but it’s not how you’ve always been. I don’t think it’s fair to say you’re something that you’re not.’
Uncle Ray was always on Greta’s side, and she’d never felt more grateful for him.
He continued, ‘Yes, you’ve put on weight over the past few years. But that doesn’t define who you are. How you feel comes from inside of you, not from anything that is said from anyone else on the outside.’
‘Thanks, Uncle Ray.’
‘I think you’ve lost weight, love. Your face looks much thinner now,’ Emily said. ‘Doesn’t it, Stephen?’ She nudged him.
‘Yes. Sure.’
‘I really am sorry,’ Greta said to them, one last time.
‘We know love. And so are we,’ Emily replied.
‘No more Big G. Promise,’ Aidan said. ‘Was a stupid nickname anyhow.’
‘I never meant to make you feel judged. You always made a joke about your weight, I thought you didn’t care,’ Stephen said.
‘I do care, Dad. And for the record, I judge me more than enough for everyone in this room, including you.’
They spent an awkward ten minutes sipping tea. Emily’s hat was askance, looking like it was about to topple off.
Noreen told her that it had gone well. Greta wasn’t so sure. All she knew was that every bone in her body ached. And the last thing she thought, as she closed her eyes to sleep that night was, it hurts to be me. It hurts so bad that sometimes I wish I could disappear.
Every session Greta had with Noreen seemed to create further unanswered questions, and she wasn’t sure she was any closer to finding herself.
Chapter 12
It was Sam and Eileen’s turn to leave Hope Crossing Rehab Centre. She would miss them both, because they had each helped her get used to life here. She’d always be grateful for that.
They didn’t make any pacts to see each other again in the future. Sam joked that if their time in rehab had been a Hollywood movie, they would have fallen in love, planning marriage and babi
es together. But the truth of the matter was that they helped each other out because neither of them had anybody else. They kept each other sane in the moments that threatened to break them.
‘I know one thing for sure. I’m never coming back,’ Sam vowed.
‘Never,’ Greta agreed.
‘Give me one last uninspiring gem before I go,’ Sam said as he hugged her goodbye.
‘I’ve prepared one especially for you, my friend. Remember it’s not just on a Monday, your whole life sucks twenty-four/seven.’
Laughing, he saluted Greta, then walked out the door.
In five more sleeps, it would be Greta’s time to go home too. She had one more session with Noreen to face first.
‘I thought you might be interested to hear about some of the things people do while under the influence of sleeping pills,’ Noreen said, looking calmly at Greta. ‘In 2008, a woman, a nice kind woman who was living a good life, drove her car unbeknownst to herself. That kind woman killed a mother of eleven children.’
Greta saw Mrs Oaks’s rhododendrons. The car smashed against her wall. Blood trickling down her mother’s face.
‘That wasn’t the first sleep-driving incident. There’s also the flight attendant who ran over a mother and her two daughters. Then there’s the lawyer who killed a man while he was changing a flat tyre. Shall I keep going, or is that enough examples of how dangerous sleeping pills are?’
‘It’s enough.’ Greta’s lungs pushed her chest out, and her ribcage ached. Then she gasped a long, anguished sigh.
‘No, it’s not enough, Greta. What happened in the bathtub?’
Greta paled as she remembered Emily’s voice sobbing, while she cradled her in her arms. Oh love, what did you do, oh my love.
‘I fell asleep when I needed to be awake. I nearly drowned.’
‘Yes. But why did you fall asleep? Say it!’
‘I took sleeping tablets.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I was tired,’ Greta whispered.
‘Why did you take them while in the bath? Why not wait till you were back in your bedroom and were safe in bed?’
My Pear-Shaped Life: The most gripping and heartfelt page-turner of 2020! Page 10