by Sarah Delany
“Sorry I took so long,” I say, staring into his eyes. He hands me my slushy and I take a big sip as he slips his arm over my shoulders, pulling me close.
“That’s okay, Sweetness. You ready to go?” he says, blatantly ignoring the girls.
“Yeah.”
“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” the girl from the photo asks, smirking at me.
Before Tate can say anything I say, “I don’t really care who you are, not after the way you treated Tate. Maybe you should run along and fix your chipped manicure before someone notices. And on another note, leave my boyfriend alone.”
She glances at her fingernails quickly and I can’t help but smirk at her as her face reddens and a scary vein pops out by her temple. She looks like a volcano ready to explode as Tate and I walk away laughing.
“That wasn’t too harsh, was it?” I ask Tate, when we are out of earshot.
“That was perfect. I take it you recognised Avery from the photo?” he says, guilt leaking into his voice.
“Yeah, I did. You looked angry when I saw you so I thought I’d save you,” I tell him, laughing.
“That was epic. I’ve never seen anyone put Avery in her place before,” he says, the smile stuck on his face.
“Well they don’t call me the Ice Queen for nothing,” I tell him, and we both throw our heads back laughing.
“Well I’ve never seen this Ice Queen you guys talk of, only my little ball of Sweetness,” he confesses, which has my heart gushing as I snuggle closer to his side. “Did you finish what you needed to?” he asks.
“Yeah, I can pick it up tomorrow,” I say, and he nods. We walk back to his place laughing and finishing our drinks.
On Thursday morning, we walk over to the mall and again I ask Tate to go in the opposite direction so he doesn’t see the surprise. When I get to the store the lady shows me my order and a smile ignites on my face. I hope they like it and I haven’t overstepped. She wraps it in some black tissue paper for me so Tate won’t see then she places it carefully in a bag.
Tate tries to peek into the bag on the way home but I don’t let him. Once we enter the big red door, we get a surprise of our own when JP jumps out of Tate’s bedroom at us.
“Hey guys,” he says, picking me up and swinging me around as I laugh.
“You never said you were coming?” Tate says, as he fist bumps him.
“Dad managed to get work off for a few days so we flew over this morning. We didn’t want to miss Quinn’s unveiling.”
“That’s awesome. I’m glad you’re here,” Tate says, and we head into the kitchen where Tate and JP’s parents are all sitting at the table, drinking coffee and catching up. With both their mums sitting next to each other, you can see the similarities between them.
“There you two are. I was wondering when you’d be back,” Tate’s mum says.
I wasn’t planning to do this now but since everyone is around I take the opportunity. I walk over to Tate’s parents and nervously place the bag in his mum’s hands.
“I just wanted to say thank you for having me to stay. I hope this is okay,” I tell them.
“You didn’t have to get us anything honey. We are glad we’ve gotten to spend time with you,” his mum says, as Tate comes to stand next to me.
“Open it Mum, I’m dying to know what it is,” Tate says, giving my hand a squeeze. His mum pulls out the present and peels back the tissue paper. Her breath hitches as the huge photo canvas comes into view. The small photo of the four of them blown up looks beautiful. Everyone is quiet for a beat and then his parent’s eyes meet mine and I can see the unshed tears, waiting for release. They both stand quickly and pull me into a hug as Tate squeezes my hand harder.
“I hope it’s okay,” I say, as they release me, both wiping their cheeks.
“It’s perfect Tamsyn. I’ve been meaning to put more photos up of Quinn but I haven’t gotten around to it. This is very sweet of you. I know the perfect place to hang it too,” she tells me, as she shows JP and his parents.
Tate pulls me into his own hug, his face hidden in my neck as he whispers, “I really love you, you know that?” He delivers a kiss to my bare skin before he pulls away, looking deep into my eyes.
We spend the rest of the day talking and listening to stories before JP’s parents leave to go to their hotel. JP stays to hangout with Tate and I, watching movies and eating junk food. He ends up crashing on the couch for the night. Before we go to sleep, Tate sits on my bed and pulls me into his lap so I’m straddling his thighs.
“You really are something else,” he softly says, before kissing me.
I pull away before we get too carried away. JP’s snores coming from down the hallway help to break the moment. We separate and move into our own beds, the pounding of my heart lulling me to sleep.
-- Tate --
Friday rolls around faster than I would like. My parents have organised for the unveiling for later this morning so we’ve got time before we need to get ready. It’s only going to be a small occasion with my family, JP’s family, Tamsyn, Pierce and Xander.
After breakfast, Tamsyn and I shower and get ready. While she’s brushing her hair I come up behind her, wrap my arms around her waist, lean my chin on her shoulder and stare into the mirror.
“You okay?” she asks, looking at me in the reflection of the mirror.
“Yeah. I just know it’s going to be a hard day,” I tell her, feeling my emotions already spiralling all over the place. She places her hairbrush on the dresser and folds her arms over mine. “Do you want to help me with something, Sweetness?”
“Sure. What is it?”
“Well do you remember me telling you about Quinn and me making daisy chains? I wondered if you’d help me make some for her today?”
“Of course. I loved making them too when I was little.” I kiss her temple before turning her in my arms and grabbing her hand, leading her outside to the backyard.
We are in luck. The green grass is scattered with daisies. We sit cross legged with our knees touching and get to work. We work quickly but carefully to put the little slit in the stem and slide another stem through the hole and repeat.
“How’s this?” Tamsyn asks. I look up and my breath catches. My mind flashes to an image of Quinn. A daisy crown sits upon her blonde hair cascading over her shoulders, the biggest smile lighting her face. I shake my head and the image disappears. My heart thunders in my rib cage and when I look up, I am staring at the gorgeous brown haired girl in front of me. Keeping my breaths steady and not letting the panic control me, I feel my lips pull up in a sad smile.
“It’s perfect, Sweetness. Quinn would have loved you,” I tell her, letting the weight of the day settle over me. Tamsyn scoots over and climbs into my lap, pulling my lips to hers.
“What was she like?” she gently asks, as we carry on with our delicate work.
I gather my thoughts and while focussing on threading daisy after daisy through the tiny holes, I talk about my sister, my twin.
“She loved colour and all things bright. She was kind and sweet and would do anything to help someone in need. She was also a bit of a daredevil too, always up for an extreme challenge. She loved big and had the biggest heart of anyone I knew.” I take a breath to compose myself as I continue. “My favourite thing about her was this smile she would make. When she was trying to contain her laughter, her whole face would light up, her face would turn red and you’d catch a glimpse of the happy tears trying to escape her eyes. I’d give anything to see one of those smiles again,” I sadly say, leaning my chin on Tamsyn’s shoulder as we focus on the flowers. Our piles of daisy crowns, growing.
“I know it probably doesn’t help and it’s not the same but if you can hold that image in your head, you’ll be able to see that smile whenever you need her,” she softly says, and a lone tear runs down my face.
“Thanks, baby,” I say, meaning it. Tamsyn and I connected over our grief and experiences but we are so much more than that. I never would have gotten through this without her shining light helping me out of the darkness. I hate to think what would have happened if I had taken the darker path.
We keep working silently, lost in our thoughts and not thinking about how many daisy crowns we’ve made. I glance at the growing pile and an idea forms. I place a crown on my head while Tamsyn still wears hers and then I count to make sure I have enough for everyone.
Once we head inside to join the others, I hand them out. Mum and Dad get teary eyed when they place them on their heads, knowing how much she loved these simple flowers. I even have one each for Pierce and Xander and hand them out to them when they arrive for us all to leave.
When I catch sight of her headstone, my feet remain planted, taking it all in. It’s a black marble with white writing etched into the stone. It says ‘Quinn Ivy Devereaux. Sunrise 9th May 2001 to Sunset 25th March 2019. Beloved Daughter, Sister and Friend. Loved beyond measure.’ A white angel is carved into the side, it’s huge wings spread wide and curling in to embrace it while the angel’s head is bowed. It isn’t all that, that holds my attention though. It’s the shimmering stained glass rainbow that sits at the top of the headstone I can’t take my eyes off. I’d forgotten Tamsyn was next to me until I feel the squeeze of my hand.
My eyes meet my parents and I sadly say, “It’s perfect. She would have loved that rainbow.”
“We had to include some colour for her,” Mum says, as Dad wraps an arm around her, pulling her closer. We all stand quietly in our own thoughts. Pierce, Xander and JP all put different flowers into the flower holders at the front of the headstone and it brightens it up even more. The windmills we put down for her birthday are still there, they’ve just been moved into their own holders on the side too.
My Mum pulls me around to the back of her headstone and I read the words, ‘Just whisper my name in your heart and I will be there,’ and it opens the floodgates. I burst into tears in my mother’s arms as she does the same. Releasing all the emotions we have inside into our embrace. One by one the others come around to see the inscription on the back and I see them all wipe away stray tears of their own.
Before we leave, we all remove our daisy crowns and place them gently onto the corners of the headstone or amongst the flowers so she’s surrounded by the simple pleasure she once loved so dearly. As we all leave to head back to the house for a dinner and night of remembering Quinn, I lean down and press a kiss to my fingertips and transfer it to the angel, holding my hand there.
“I love you, Quinny,” I say into the breeze, and with one final glance back at her grave I release a breath then take Tamsyn’s hand and let the silent tears fall, unashamedly down my face.
Chapter 14
-- Tamsyn --
On Monday we flew back home and my mum picked Tate and I up from the airport. JP and his parents flew back yesterday. I could tell Tate was a bit sad about leaving Pierce and Xander. You can clearly see the bond the three of them share. They came to see us off at the airport and gave me big bear hugs before we left. I’m going to miss them a lot, for the simple fact they made Tate laugh the most I’ve ever seen.
My mum has taken a few days off work to spend some time with me. So on Tuesday she takes us to get haircuts she booked for us. I only get a trim as I like having my long hair. Mum goes a bit drastic and gets her shoulder length hair cut into a short bob and gets some highlights put in. It’s a huge difference but looks great on her.
As we are walking around window shopping, I build up the courage to ask Mum something important that’s been on my mind. We’ve always had a close relationship so I know she would want me to talk to her about this.
“So umm, Mum, I was wondering if you could take me to get on birth control?” I say, rambling. I can’t see her initial reaction as her back is turned to me as she looks into a clothing store.
She whips around startled, staring at my face as I bite on my lower lip, “Have you.” she starts.
“No, not yet. I’m still a virgin. I just want to be prepared,” I tell her, and she visibly relaxes.
“Well, I’m glad you came to me first bub. Of course I can do that. How about I see if we can get you an appointment today while we are out?”
“That sounds great, Mum,” I say, relaxing myself.
“So I’m guessing you are thinking about you and Tate having sex?” she says casually, and there goes my relaxed composure. Back to awkward.
“Mmhmm,” I mumble, and she throws her arm around my shoulder.
“It’s a big step bub. I can see how much Tate cares about you and I’m glad you’ve come to talk to me first about it. Do you want to know what my mum said to me when I was in your position?”
“What?” I ask.
“She said if you aren’t able to talk about sex in a serious way without feeling embarrassed or awkward then maybe it’s not the right time to be having sex. She said this because with sex, you are trusting someone completely. And you need to be able to have conversations with them about safe sex and boundaries and stuff,” she tells me.
So I put on my big girl panties to prove I’m ready and say, “Okay, I want to have sex with Tate,” and both our cheeks redden.
“Just remember that you can stop at any time as well. First times aren’t usually known as being the best. But it’s good that you are wanting to be prepared. I’ll ring the doctor now and see if there’s any appointments free today,” she says, as she pulls her phone out of her pocket and starts dialling. After chatting for a minute she says, “They can squeeze you in for an appointment in half an hour, so how about we head over now?”
“Sure,” I tell her, as we make our way to the car and drive to the doctors.
My doctor is reassuring and extremely nice about the whole thing. We decided to try me on the pill and see how it goes. She said sometimes it takes a while before women find the right method of birth control to suit them so I have to keep track of any side effects. I can start taking it but it won’t be effective until I’ve been taking it for a week. It’s not like I’m going to jump Tate as soon as I see him. She also gave me a brown paper bag filled with different condoms causing me to blush. This is feeling more real now I have taken this first step.
We grab my pills from the pharmacy on the way home and when I walk into my room, I stow the pills and condoms in my bedside table. Once the drawer is open I catch sight of all Tate’s notes and pull them out, scattering them on my bed. It all began with these notes. My heart always feels so full when I think of Tate and I hope that feeling never goes away.
Later that night, I’m nestled in my bed watching movies on Netflix. I told Tate I needed to spend time with Mum since I was away the first week of the holidays. I haven’t seen him since we got back but he’s been texting me non-stop.
When the movie is nearly finished a text comes through so I open it smiling.
Tate: Hey Sweetness, what are you doing?
Sweetness: Watching a movie, what about you?
Tate: Standing outside your front door like a creeper. I miss you.
My heart thunders in my chest and I quickly reply.
Sweetness: I’ll be down in a min
I quietly throw the covers off and slip into my black leggings, a hoodie and sneakers. I glance at the clock and it’s just after ten o’clock so Mum could still be awake. I stealthily tiptoe down the stairs and out the front door where Tate greets me with a bright smile.
“Damn, I’ve missed your face,” he says, hooking his hands under my thighs and lifting me into his arms, squeezing me tight as he nuzzles my neck. He walks away from my house carrying me.
Once we are far enough away from home I say, “You can put me down now. I have legs you know,” trying not to laugh at him.
“Why walk when I like carrying
you? You feel good in my arms,” he says, with the biggest grin, delivering a kiss to my lips which makes my heart flutter. “Look here we are,” he says, letting me drop to my feet, my gaze following his. I stare down at the grey concrete that has now hardened. I haven’t been back to see it. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about it. Staring back at us is the ‘TNT’ he carved into the wet concrete. It seems like a lifetime ago since that particular night.
“Still looks perfect,” I tell him, as he takes my hand but something causes his brows to pinch together.
“It would be perfect if it had forever on the end,” he whispers, as if he didn’t mean to say it out loud. He gently tucks a stray hair behind my ear as my heart gallops out of my chest.
“Is that so?” I say, just as quietly, staring into his eyes.
“It is. I’ve tried to live without you before and I’m a hundred percent sure I don’t ever want to do that again,” he admits. He swallows my reply with his lips, devouring my mouth as we wrap our arms around each other. As we break away, he takes my hand tugging me towards the playground and we both take a swing, letting our weightless bodies soar in the dark.
“What have you been doing the last few days?” I ask him, as I pump my legs to swing higher.
“Not much. Missing you mainly. JP and I have been playing on the Xbox and eating our weight in junk food,” which has us both laughing. “What have you and your mum been up to?” he asks, knowing I was spending time with her and I blush in the dark hoping he can’t see. I slow my swing and plant my feet and turn the chains, holding the swing to face him.
“Well we went to the doctors today,” I say, and it has him stopping his swing too.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, worry leaking into his voice.
“Yeah it is. I just asked if I could go on birth control,” I tell him, my cheeks burning under his gaze. He holds my gaze as we sit in our swings, facing each other. “I wanted to be prepared,” I tell him, and his mouth pops open.