by Kim Holden
She shakes her head like she doesn’t want to talk about it. The arm bandages are gone. Bruises and angry needle pricks revealed that were hidden underneath before. I point and she immediately folds her arms across her chest to hide them. “Did you see the doctor today?”
She nods.
“Did they figure out what’s wrong?”
She huffs and it’s bitter. “They already knew.” She stretches her arms out in front of her. They look worse held out for me to see. My stomach hurts again. “This is what they do to make themselves feel better. To feel like they’re doing their jobs.” The bitter huff again. “It’s a game though, because it doesn’t change anything.” She draws out the word “anything” like it’s three distinct words.
Something is very wrong. I feel like throwing up. “What doesn’t change, Katie?”
She looks up at me and smiles, but it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, because it’s her most honest, genuine smile paired with hopeless eyes. “The end.”
The needle on my anxiety gauge just pegged out. My heart is racing. “What’s going on?
She doesn’t answer and this eerie silence settles between us.
I’m shaking now, I’m so worked up. I’m nervous, and I’m scared, and I’m frustrated. Out of desperation, I yell, “Tell me what in the hell is going on!”
Nothing. She’s just sitting there, but she’s starting to tremble.
More yelling, “I love you, Katie!” It’s a declaration and a promise. It’s also clarification, because I don’t know what’s going through her mind, but she needs to know how much I care about her. How much I love her.
Her bottom lip starts quivering and her eyes fill with tears. “Please don’t say that.”
I pull my hair because I don’t know what else to do with myself. “Dammit, I love you. Why is that such a bad thing? I know you love me, too. Just let me in. Say it.” My patience is shot.
The tears chase each other down her cheeks and she sniffs. “I do. I love you.” Her voice is quiet and defeated.
This is not the way you want to hear someone tell you they love you. It guts me. I sigh and look at the ceiling before looking back at her and without knowing why, I’m yelling again. I can’t stop yelling. “Then what’s the problem?! You love me! I love you!”
She’s reached her limit and erupts back, “That’s the fucking problem! You love me back! It was never supposed to be this way!”
“Goddammit, Katie,” I sigh. “That’s not your choice to make. It’s mine. I fell in love with you. It would’ve happened whether you loved me back or not. It’s impossible not to love you. You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met in my life. Why can’t I love you? Why?”
She stands, throws her arms in the air, and screams like I’ve never heard anyone scream before. It’s painful and lonely. It’s fear and rage. It’s exasperation. “Because I’m dying, that’s why! I have cancer!” She drops back into the loveseat like the words drained her of all energy. “I’m dying,” she says, her words turning to sobs.
I feel like someone just stabbed me in the heart. The pain I felt when Lily died was the worst I’ve ever experienced in my life … until this moment. It feels like someone is twisting the knife only to pull it out and plunge it back in again. Over and over. My heart just broke, for the second time in my life. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I can’t breathe.
Eventually she wipes the tears from her face with her forearm. I’m moments away from panic when the shift happens. I realize that she’s staring at me. And when Katie holds you in a stare … she holds you. You feel it. It’s physical, like you’re pinned in place, unable to move, unable to breathe. She stands, walks over, and stops when her knees come to rest against mine. I’m at her mercy and despite what just happened, there’s no place I’d rather be. She looks down at me sitting in front of her with those unfathomable jade eyes and takes a few deep breaths. Her eyes never leave mine. “Keller, if I asked you for a favor, would you do it?”
The way she’s looking at me I know, without a doubt in my mind, I will do whatever she asks of me. You want me to jump off a cliff? Okay. Walk out in front of a speeding bus? Sure, why not.
“I want one night with you. Just one. I know it’s selfish and so wrong of me to even ask, but—”
My lips are on hers before she finishes her thought. Claiming her before she changes her mind. Without breaking our kiss I reach down and grab hold of her thighs and lift her until her legs are wrapped around my waist. Then I walk us to my bed. I know I should go slowly, but there’s so much adrenaline in my system that I can’t. I want this too much.
She’s not holding back either. Her kisses are assertive and demanding. When I lay her down she reaches for the hem of my T-shirt and I shrug it off. My legs are bent, straddling her waist. I’m hovering over her. She runs her hands across my chest and traces her fingertips down my stomach. I shudder and can’t suppress the moan that escapes me. Her hands continue down to the ill-fitting boxers she’s wearing. Her fingertips hook the waistband on either side and she pushes them down over her hips and I help her shimmy them off. Lifting the hem of her shirt, I pull it over her head. My breath catches in my throat as my eyes greedily take in her naked body beneath me. She glows in the light of my bedside lamp. If it’s possible for a body to look graceful, even at rest, hers does. She’s lithe, and even though she’s incredibly thin, the telltale signs of an athletic past remain. Her lean build is complimented by the silkiness of her skin and a softness that is all woman. She’s a goddess.
I need to slow down. I mentally coach myself: Slow down, man. Slow … the fuck … down.
With Lily I was reserved in the bedroom. Held back by my own insecurities, inexperience, youth, and a partner who was much the same. I’m not complaining. That was a different time.
But this is now. Right now. And Katie fills me with a confidence I never knew I had. She strips away my fear. I throw every reservation I’ve ever had out the window. And I take my time. I explore, kiss, lick, nibble, and touch every inch of her body. I’m categorically thorough, memorizing every detail: the elegant curve of her neck where it sweeps down into the sharp angles of her collar bone, her breasts that are at once petite but also round, soft, and firm—they’re perfect. The indention of her belly button that begs to be licked, and the inside of her wrist that feels like silk under my touch. I’m rewarded with moans and gasps in all the right places, as well as some I didn’t expect. She’s extremely vocal with her need and appreciation. I could get off on the sounds and words coming out of her mouth alone. When my lips find hers again she rolls us over and I find myself on the receiving end of exploration. She tugs off my boxers and her hands and mouth pass over my entire body: kissing, sucking, rubbing, touching. I’m panting, calling out her name, begging her not to stop. It’s eroticism at its goddamn best. I’ve fantasized about her, but this is more. This is so much more. My every nerve is on fire, thrashing, screaming to be clutched, twisted, ravaged, and wrung out.
When the time comes and I tell her I don’t have a condom, she begs. “Please Keller. I need this. I need you.” Her voice aches. I know this is where I should stop … I know … but I don’t. I can’t. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than I want to be buried deep inside her right now. I roll her gently to her back and her knees fall to the sides. Her eyes are closed and she’s breathing heavily.
“Look at me, Katie.” Her eyes flutter open slowly and they’re dark with desire. She doesn’t blink. “I want to look into those beautiful eyes while I make love to you.”
As I slide slowly inside her she moans and her eyes drift shut. Goddamn …
“Open your eyes,” I coax.
Her eyes find mine again. I kiss her once and pull back so I can see those lust-filled eyes.
We find a rhythm quickly and the feeling of her skin against mine is all I’m focused on. “You feel so good, babe.” I’m breathless.
We rock against each other and she forces the pace. She never
takes her eyes off mine. I will never forget this as long as I live. When she calls out my name and begins to quiver beneath me I come undone. “Katie. Katie. Katie.” I can’t stop saying her name.
As our bodies still, I roll to her side suddenly aware of just how small she is. I feel as if I’ll crush her.
There’s a dreamy look in her eyes. She’s utterly and completely satisfied. All of her features and angles softened. I can’t even begin to explain how much I love the way she looks right now.
“My God, Keller, that was incredible. That’s it. It’s official. I’m going to hell.”
I smile because I can’t help myself. No one can ever take this from me. “I’d follow you there.”
“No need to follow. Take your time, I’ll wait for you.” She entices me with a soft kiss.
I return the kiss and deepen it. She responds. I tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is between every kiss. Though she’s keeping up with me I know she’s tired. Reality is setting in.
She’s sick.
I press my lips against hers one last time and make a silent vow to make the most of every second I have left with her and to start living my life the way I want to live it.
I squint at the clock. It’s almost 5:00 in the morning. “We should get some sleep. You know I’m not letting you out of this bed today, right?”
She smiles and curls into my side. “I hope not.”
Saturday, November 12
(Keller)
Other than going to the dorms to get her medicine, the grocery store to buy condoms, eating periodically, and my morning and evening phone calls to Stella, we didn’t leave my bed the entire day.
It was heaven.
Sunday, November 13
(Kate)
I never thought being with someone would feel this right. But it does. It does. It’s my fairy tale and even though it’s going to be short and have a terrible ending, it’s still mine. Telling Keller about my cancer was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was worth it in the end. I never wanted him to carry this burden with me, but I can’t deny that it feels a little lighter now that he knows. Now that he’s helping me. And believe me, I know how wrong that is.
He’s still sleeping, lying on his back. I’m on my side curled around him except my head that rests on the pillow next to his. I’m watching him. He looks totally placid, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. But I know that’s not true. He worries about everything.
He speaks before he opens his eyes, “Morning, Katie.”
“How’d you know I was awake?” I whisper.
“Because your breaths come faster when you’re awake than when you’re asleep.” He rolls his head so we’re nose to nose, opens his eyes, and smiles. “I can feel your chest rise and fall against me.”
“Keller, I should probably go back to the dorms today.”
He wraps his arms around me. “That’s a bad idea. I like you just where you are.”
“I can’t live here.”
He doesn’t hesitate. “Why not?”
I don’t really have an answer for that. Except that it just seems pushy. And needy.
He narrows his eyes. “Have you always been in the habit of denying yourself what you really want, or is this something new that you only do with me?”
I’m taken aback. “What?”
“I think for twenty years you’ve taken care of everyone else and put their needs ahead of your own. I’m begging you to be honest with yourself right now, Katie. Give in to what you really want.” He kisses my forehead and grins. “Remember how well that worked last night?”
I can’t help but smile even though he’s just called me out. He’s right.
“Don’t you like being here with me?” he pushes.
“Of course, I do. But, I’m totally intruding.”
He strokes my lips before he kisses me. “You’re never intruding. I don’t know what I would do if you left now.”
“But I will have to leave someday. I don’t want to make this harder on you than it has to be. I can’t be that selfish.”
He takes my face in his hands. “Don’t worry about me. I get to decide who I fall in love with, remember?”
“I know.”
“Katie, I know you don’t really want to talk about it, but isn’t there something that can be done, chemo, or radiation, surgery?”
I shake my head. “Inoperable. Chemo is a treatment option, but it would probably only buy me a few months at most. And chemo sucks, it’s not worth it to me to be sick from the cancer and sick from the chemo only to put off the inevitable. It’s going to happen regardless. I want to enjoy what time I have left with no puking and a full head of hair.”
He looks like he’s going to cry. “How long do you have?”
“Dr. Connell says without treatment about three months.” I smile, because I can’t let it get me down anymore. I have to live in the present and with the medicine I have now, the pain is manageable.
Tears roll down his cheeks. “There has to be something more they can do. Maybe my father knows an oncologist. Where is it, the cancer?”
I wipe the tears from his cheeks with my thumbs. “Don’t cry.”
“Where, Katie?” He’s persistent.
“Both lungs and my liver.”
His face crumples and the tears fall again.
“Please don’t cry. I don’t want to waste time crying.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Katie. This shouldn’t happen to someone like you. It’s not fair.”
“I don’t want to leave you either, Keller, but that’s how my story ends. I feel like the luckiest girl on Earth. I get to spend my last months with you, to love you, and be loved by you. I never thought I’d have that. What a blessing you are.”
“How about we never talk about cancer again? I hate it.” It’s like he reads my mind.
I nod and smile. “Deal.”
I already told him not to say anything to anyone. I don’t want anyone else to know until I can’t hide it anymore.
Monday, November 14
(Keller)
It’s cold today. My breath comes out in a fog and I follow it down Main toward Three Petunias. I know I shouldn’t bother Katie at work, but I picked up an extra shift at Red Lion Road tonight and I can’t wait until I get off work to share the good news with her. My entire body is still humming with the excitement of rebellion and self-fulfillment. It feels so good. Is this what it’s like to be in control of your destiny? I feel powerful. And not like, big-ego, dickhead powerful, but powerful like I’ve finally got my shit together.
The bell announces my arrival. I never noticed bells until the day I met Katie. The way she scorned them at Grounds was so adorable that I’m reminded of it every time I hear one ring now.
Shel looks up from the arrangement of flowers in front of her. She gives me an evil smirk and I know I’m in for it. “Hey Romeo.”
I decide ignoring her attempts to embarrass me is the best way to deal with her. “Hey Shel.” The heat in my cheeks betrays me and her grin widens.
Katie turns at the sound of my voice. That reaction? It’s addictive. A simple act that makes me so damn happy. I’ve only been apart from her since early this morning when she left for class, but after this weekend a few hours feels like an eternity. “Hi beautiful.”
She smiles suggestively. “Hi handsome. Couldn’t stay away, huh?”
I shake my head as I walk behind the counter and wrap my arms around her. I can’t stay away. Her skin smells like my soap. I love that, knowing she used my soap. In my shower. In my apartment. This morning. And now that I have her in my arms I can’t resist kissing her.
Shel clears her throat. “Keller, I’m trying to run a business here. Keep it in your pants.”
I smile, shrug, and bat my eyelashes innocently at her. “What?” I know she’s just teasing us. After she got over the initial shock of seeing Katie and me together Saturday night, she gave us her blessing. Followed by a stern warn
ing that she would “cut my fucking balls off” if I hurt Katie in any way.
I swore on my nuts that I wouldn’t.
Shel eyes me threateningly and then a husky but feminine giggle escapes. “I hate to say this because cute shit usually makes me nauseous as all hell, but you two are just too cute. I can’t think of any other word to describe it. You’re so fucking cute.”
Katie pipes up, “Aw Shelly, I don’t want to be cute. Why can’t I be badass like you? You never call me badass, dude. It’s kind of warping this delusional self-image I have going on in my mind.” She laughs when Shelly rolls her eyes and doesn’t answer the taunt.
I kiss the top of Katie’s head again. “Oh you are badass … and cute … and sexy—”
Shel interrupts quickly. “Okay lover boy, that’s enough. You’d better have a good reason for being here other than to feel up my coworker.”
I smile at Katie in response. “I do. Can I steal her for a second?”
Shel nods. “Make it quick. And if I hear anything remotely sexual going on, I’m warning you now that I’m coming in. So don’t even think about it.”
Katie salutes. “Aye, aye, captain.”
“Thanks.” I lead Katie into the back room and close the door so we have some privacy.
She smiles up at me but there’s worry in her eyes. “What is it?”
“I met with my advisor today.”
Her eyes widen with expectation, and I can tell that she’s excited to hear what comes next. My courage soars. “I changed my major.”
Her smile becomes triumphant, and she jumps into my arms. “Oh my God! I’m so proud of you. Keller, you did it. You’re doing it.” She stops wiggling, drops from my embrace, and looks into my eyes. Her expression suddenly becomes very serious. “Are you okay with it? I mean, this is huge.”
My nerves are ebbing and calm is taking over now that I’ve said the words aloud. It’s real. I nod.
“Have you told your parents?”
“No. I will this weekend. I want to tell them in person.” I clear my throat. “Can I ask you for a favor?”