Bright Side

by Kim Holden

  It’s staring back.

  It’s after eleven and I should be asleep, but sleeping without her here with me is difficult. I’ve been sleeping in my recliner the past few nights.

  I pull back the covers on my bed and crawl in. I bury my face in my pillow and inhale. It still smells like her. She’s been gone from the apartment for a month now, and I can’t bring myself to wash the pillowcase. I still sleep with one of my shirts that she slept in. It still smells like her, too, though it’s starting to fade. Sometimes I wonder if it’s disappeared completely and it’s only my imagination stirring the scent of her. Rolling to my back, I stare at the ceiling. “Katie, I miss you. So fucking much. Every second of every day I think about you. I’m going to listen to your CD now. I know it’s going to make me cry, but I’m working on the whole being brave thing. You’re still in my head leading that charge, so here goes.” My hands are shaking when I reach for the envelope. I run my fingers over my name written in her distinctive script—it’s petite, bold, and one-of-a-kind, just like she was.

  I slide my finger under the flap and hesitate. Suddenly this envelope in my hand is the scariest damn thing I can imagine. I feel hot, like I might throw up. My breathing is accelerating like I’m in an all-out sprint. I pinch my eyes shut in an attempt to shut everything else out.

  “You are brave,” I remind myself. I say it several times before I open my eyes again. They’re burning and wet with panic. One more time, I’m looking directly at the CD. “You are brave. I am brave.”

  I tear back the flap and pull out the CD inside. It’s unmarked. No label. No indication or clue as to what I’m in for.

  I pull my laptop out of its bag next to my bed and power it up. I bring up my folder of photos before I insert the CD because I need to look at her face while I listen to this. I have a few dozen that I took over the past couple of months. Some are of both of us, some of her and Stella, and some of just Katie. Earbuds plugged in and inserted in both ears, I wipe my eyes, open up the CD menu, and push play. Nothing could prepare me for what I’m about to hear. It’s her voice. Speaking to me. If I close my eyes I can pretend she’s in the room with me. That’s just what I do.

  “Hi Keller. I know you’re listening to this after I’m gone and this is probably a little strange, but if it were me I’d want to hear your voice again. So here goes, baby.

  “I grew up believing it was my job to take care of everyone. My sister needed me. My mother needed me. I grew up believing in love, both giving and receiving. Gracie, Gus, Audrey, my friends ... I loved them, and they loved me. They kept me from turning into the bitter, jaded person I could have become. The person I fought against. I grew up believing I had to be strong. I needed to keep my shit in check because people depended on me and I wanted to be there for them.

  “Do I regret any of it? Hell no. I don’t do regrets. It made me who I am.

  “But the day I walked into Grounds and met you, talked to you, flirted with you? Something in me changed. It was one of the best days of my life. Period. Besides being outrageously attracted to you physically, because let’s face it Keller, you’re sexy: your eyes, your face, your hair, your ass ... Mmm … But there was also something genuine about you that was even more attractive than your good looks. You were friendly, a bit vulnerable, a bit nervous, and very, very real. I knew we had to be friends.

  “I fought falling for you. I fought it hard, because I’m Kate Sedgwick ... and in addition to being the type of person that doesn’t do relationships, I was dying.

  “Still, you sucked me in. I fell in love with you a little more each day. I loved your crooked smile. I loved that you read classic literature. I loved that you hated it when I was late. And I loved your patience. I loved the way you listened to me like I was the only person in the world. I loved that you played guitar. I loved that you liked your coffee black (the best way to drink it). I loved that were not only a daddy, but an amazing daddy. Your dedication to your daughter is the sexiest damn thing, which I know sounds weird, but it is. I loved that you were thoughtful and romantic. I loved that you have this natural instinct for teaching. Anything. I loved that you work your ass off. I loved your persistence and inability to take no for an answer. I loved that you wore your passion on your sleeve and that you couldn’t always keep your emotions in check. You called me out on my shit. People don’t do that to me. I needed it. And I loved it.

  “You gave me my own real-life fairy tale. I trusted you with my heart. I’ve never done that before, but you made the leap so worthwhile. Your love, the way you made me feel loved deep in my bones? It was heaven. Physically and emotionally, I felt so … loved. When you talked to me? When you looked at me? When you touched me? I felt worshipped. I felt beautiful. I felt cherished. I felt your devotion and your passion. It was overwhelming in the most exciting and satisfying way. I hope you felt it in return.

  “Through all of this you taught me that it’s okay not only to depend on another person, but it’s okay to let them carry the burden with you, even for you. I could let myself cry in front of you. And I don’t cry. I could be weak and vulnerable when I needed to be, and you didn’t judge me. You could be strong for both of us. I could give my fears a voice. I could talk about my family and my past. You don’t know what a relief that was for me. Your support was just ... unbelievable.

  “I went to Minnesota prepared to strike college off my bucket list. But what I never imagined was that I’d find you. Thank you, Keller Banks.

  “Now I need to talk about your future, because it’s important to me that you hear this. Finish your degree and teach high school English. You have a gift to share. You’ll be just like Sidney Poitier in To Sir, With Love. Lucky kids. Find a special place in the world for you and Stella, where she can blossom into the incredible woman I have no doubt she’ll become. Encourage her, support her, love her … I know you will. And please, please find someone you can share that huge heart of yours with. Because when you give yourself over to love, baby, it’s breathtaking. You love mind, body, and soul. No doubts. No questions. No restraint. Find that kind of love again. And when you do, I hope that she makes you as happy as you’ve made me. Stella needs brothers and sisters, Keller. Miss Higgins is an awesome turtle, but she’s a terrible substitute for a sibling.

  “I know that you’re sad right now. Grieve, but don’t hold onto it. Grief smothers out life. Let it go. Remember me and be happy. You have an incredible life ahead of you. Make the most of every minute. Starting right now.

  “You are brave. Repeat it with me: you are brave.

  “I love you, baby … I love you, baby.”

  My heart is aching, and my face is wet with tears. It’s then that I realize I’m smiling ... smiling while my broken heart is threatening to split me in two. The smile is one small bit of happiness that never leaves me—it’s Katie, through and through. I never knew happiness could feel like this before I met her. My heart had been closed off for a long time, but she broke it wide open when she walked through the door of Grounds that day. It only took moments. Not only was she adorable with her messy hair and intense eyes and that damn homemade T-shirt, but she was confident and funny and kind. She was the most honest person I’ve ever met. She had life all figured out and she knew how to treat people, to make them feel special and valued. I gave her everything I had. I let her see the good and bad. I showed her things no one else had ever seen. She forced me to take a hard look at myself and my life. And her love gave me the courage to change it.

  I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s gone. The black hole that Gus and I talked about—I’m fighting it every day. I’m fighting for her … and for me … and for my daughter.

  Katie had an unbelievable gift for making the best of any situation, good or bad. It sounds easy, but in any situation short of nirvana, it’s difficult. Katie’s happiness, her consistent optimism, was work for her. I don’t think she’d deny that. It took courage to persevere through every day. The happiness, the thoughtfulne
ss, the humor was part of her, but it was also deliberate, a conscious choice. I can’t help but think back to what Gus said months ago. Katie didn’t just look on the bright side … she lived there.

  He was right.

  And that made her the bravest person I’ve ever known.

  You are brave …

  Acknowledgments

  They say it takes a village to raise a child.

  It also takes one to write and publish a book.

  Love and thanks, from the bottom of my heart, to the Bright Side village:

  B., Debbie, and Robin—Bright Side’s first readers. Thank you for your encouragement throughout the entire writing process. I loved the random texts and feedback as we worked through the journey together (i.e.: “You’d better not … ” “I feel sick to my stomach.” “I balled my eyes out!!!” “I loved ... ” “And Clayton!” “More Keller, please.” “OMG.”) Having an even split from the ladies on Team Keller and Team Gus reassured me I was onto something good with them both. Deb, Keller is all yours. Robin, Gus is all yours. Which leaves Kate for B., which I know wouldn’t disappoint him. At all.

  Tammy Johnson, RN, BSN and Dr. John Okerbloom, MD—Bright Side’s consultants on all things medical. Thanks to my crazy smart sister who shared her crazy smart friend with me. Two of the nicest people ever. Together, with the patience of a couple of saints, they fielded and answered many, many questions. Thanks for helping me bring some realism and compassion to Kate’s story. You two are the best!

  Kody Templeman—Bright Side’s music sensei. Thanks for reading through all of the band/touring/technical music related bits of the story and giving it your stamp of approval. Answering all of my questions and lending your support meant the world to me, my talented friend. *As a side note to anyone reading this, you should check out Kody’s bands: Teenage Bottlerocket and The Lillingtons. I’m serious. Check them out. They’re freaking awesome!

  Jess Danowski and Inside the Pages of a Book—supporter and believer. You have guided me through the world of indie publishing and promotion with the precision of a Jedi master. I bow down to you. Thanks for believing in me!

  Eric Johnson—my link to a younger generation. Due to the fact that it’s been … A LONG TIME … since I attended college, I had to lean on my nephew to keep this old lady legit. (You thought I was kidding about putting you in the acknowledgments, didn’t you, Eric?) You earned it. Thanks dude!

  Monica Parpal—Bright Side’s editor extraordinaire. Not only are you amazing at what you do, but you always make me feel like you have as much invested in my projects as I do. Thank you for loving Kate and for all of your feedback that made this book so much better than it would’ve been without you. You are my hero, Monica!

  Brandon Hando—super talented cover designer. Bright Side’s cover is beautiful and perfect. Thank you Brandon! Your talent never ceases to amaze me.

  Mom and Dad—“World’s Greatest Book Pimps.” As cheerleaders go, you are the masters. You are my street team, and I couldn’t ask for better. Thank you! I love you!

  B. and P.—my two favorite people. You are my world. I couldn’t do what I do … life, pretty much … without you. I love, love, love you!

  Musicians around the world—I cannot write without the magic you create. Music inspires me like nothing else. Thank you for sharing your passion with the rest of us.

  To me, Kate Sedgwick is the epitome of a very real, very strong woman. I am so lucky to be surrounded by strong women in my own life and each one of them inspired a little piece of Kate. Thank you to Barb Harken, Debbie Clark, Robin Stonehocker, Barb Konecny, Tammy Johnson, Andi Hando, Erika Sosias, and Monica Parpal for being such badass women. I love, admire, and respect each one of you for your intelligence, attitude, confidence, humor, and kindness. You do epic every day, ladies.

  And lastly, to you, the almighty reader: you humble me. Every. Single. Day. The fact that you spent your precious time reading my book means more to me than you’ll ever know. It blows my freaking mind if you want to know the truth. Writing a book and sharing it with someone is the equivalent of giving a speech butt-naked to a crowded room. It’s putting it all out there for the world to see. People judge you, good or bad. Thanks for your continued support! It makes me feel less naked.

  I’m going to leave you with one last thought, because sometimes life is hard. For all of us.

  You are brave …

  Now go ... do epic!

  That’s an order.

  Do it.

  Please.

  About the Author

  Let’s be friends.

  We’ll hang out.

  It’ll be fun.

  Visit me here:

  www.kimholdenbooks.com

  www.facebook.com/kimholdenauthor

  Also by Kim Holden:

  All of It

  Gus (coming 2015)