by J N Wood
What the fuck is he talking about?
‘Sorry Gee, I’ve got no idea what you’re on about.’
Gee just laughed and drank more of his sixth bottle, I continued with my fifth.
‘Okay, doesn’t matter,’ I said. ‘Wife, family?’
He downed his bottle and ordered another two.
He obviously doesn’t want to talk about it.
‘What’s your plan when you reach Canada?’ I asked. ‘If we ever make it up there.’
‘I had wife and two children,’ he said. ‘Boy seven. Girl ten.’
Shite.
‘They were visiting family of my wife when disease start to spread. I try to find them, drive half way to California. I must miss them when they go back home. I come home to find wife come back sick. Told me children died on journey back. She would not let me near her because she was sick.’ He drank half his beer in one go. ‘Next day she die.’
Fucking hell. Why did I ask? I could have easily known Gee the rest of my life without finding that out.
‘Gee, I’m truly sorry. That is horrible.’
‘Yes it is,’ he stated. He leaned over and knocked his bottle against mine. ‘Let’s get shitassed.’
‘Shitassed?’ I laughed. ‘It’s shitfaced Gee. You mean shitfaced. But yeah, I’m well on the way already.’
‘I have no plans for after, when in Canada,’ he said. ‘I do not know what I will do. How will you get back to England?’
‘No fucking idea mate.’
The drinking continued, me playing catch up with Gee. I lost count of the beers we consumed, and had no idea what the time was.
DAY NINETEEN
Chapter 14: Eavesdrop
My bed was moving.
This must be a dream. Was I dreaming I was back in our old truck, Blue? Are the zombies pushing us over again?
I don’t think that’s it. Hang on a second…this is more of a rocking motion. An earthquake maybe?
Where am I again?
I remember. We’re trying to get into Canada. So we’re at the border. Do they get earthquakes in Washington State? Probably.
A woman moaned. It sounded like it was coming from directly underneath me.
Bollocks. I forgot I was on the top bunk. Who the fuck is having sex in the bed below me?
I opened my eyes and looked around, trying to look for Jack and Gee, but I couldn’t remember which beds they were in.
Do I even know which beds they’re in? Did we go to bed at the same time last night? What did we actually do last night? I really can’t remember.
The bed was still being rhythmically rocked. I could now hear heavy breathing beneath me, and then another stifled moan.
Fuck’s sake.
I turned over, making sure I made as much noise as possible. Beneath me a few giggles mixed in with the heavy breathing. The bed continued to rock.
They know I’m awake. Fuck’s sake. Just make it quick please.
I pulled my elbows up, trying to sit myself up, but a wave of nausea washed over me, making me quickly rest my head back down.
Oh fuck, I remember now, we went to the pub last night. What time did we get back? I can’t even remember leaving. What pub were we in?
A memory flashed through my mind. Me and Gee sitting at the bar, an Ipswich fan, and one of the guys from the container. Had Jack been there? I don’t think so. No, he definitely wasn’t there. Ali was there. Yes, Ali was there, I remember that.
The rocking was increasing in speed, the moaning becoming more frequent and louder.
Hopefully that just means it’s gonna be over soon. What the fuck? Is nobody else hearing this?
I rolled over onto my side so I was facing the room. Nobody else’s eyes were looking back in my direction.
Fucking hell. It better not be Gee down there. I do not want to listen to Big Gee having sex.
The whole bed was now squeaking.
Surely everyone else in here must know what’s going on?
With a loud of expulsion of breath from one of the people beneath me, the rocking and squeaking came to an abrupt end. Only a few seconds later, I heard sheets being thrown back, and the springs in their mattress shifting.
‘No don’t go,’ a female voice whispered. ‘Anyone that can make me fanny fart five times can stay the night.’
What the actual fuck? Did she just say that? Fuck off.
The mattress below shifted again, the fanny fart comment obviously drawing her sexual partner back into her bed.
She’s gonna be English if she’s saying fanny fart. Fucking hell. Probably the woman I saw yesterday with the nice bum. Fucking Brits abroad. Nice of her to continue the reputation, even in the apocalypse.
Someone was saying my name.
I dragged the pillow around so it covered my face and both my ears. ‘Nope. Need more sleep,’ I muttered into the pillow.
‘Come on Chris,’ Michael said. ‘You need to go for breakfast. You can’t skip the meagre excuses for a meal in this place. Gee is up. He’s in the bathroom.’
I suppose he’s fucking right.
‘Okay. I’m getting up.’ I forced myself to sit up, the pillow falling to land on my lap. I wasn’t feeling sick anymore, not like last night, but my head was killing me.
Oh yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night, and felt like I was gonna be sick.
Fuck. The fucking fanny fart sex as well.
‘Give me five minutes Mikey Boy,’ I croaked. ‘I’ll meet you outside. Just need to go to the toilet.’
Michael agreed to wait for me outside, but told me I should hurry up.
I joined the queue to the bathroom. There were three people ahead of me. The man in front of me turned and smiled when I stopped behind him. He was a short man, maybe in his forties. He was balding slightly, and in keeping with the majority of the guys in the camp, was sporting a beard.
‘Morning,’ I said to him.
The other two people in the queue glanced behind them when I spoke, but then quickly turned back around to face forward.
‘New to the house?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, only my second day in the camp.’
He looked surprised. ‘Where have you come from?’
‘When the virus shit started? My friend and I were in Colorado.’
‘How did you end up here?’ he asked.
I smiled. ‘Long story.’
‘You from Great Britain?’
‘Yep, I’m here on vacation. At least I was here on vacation.’
‘I visited London a few years back. Do you live near there?’
‘Well,’ I said. ‘About two hundred miles away.’
‘Not far then,’ the man stated.
I shot him a puzzled look. He turned around when the bathroom door opened. A woman left and the man at the front took her place in the bathroom. We all shuffled forwards, filling the space.
The man in front of me seemed to use the interruption as an excuse to end the conversation.
Thank fuck.
‘She didn’t say that?’ Shannon exclaimed.
I swallowed a mouthful of porridge. ‘She did. Five time fanny fart sex. Sounded quite proud of it.’
Sandra, the kids, and her two cousins, Pete and Theo, were sat on the end of one of the long tables in the food tent. They all had bowls of porridge and water. The kids had been very reluctant to eat theirs, until a very nice old lady offered Sandra some sachets of sugar. A sachet each had changed the kid’s minds. I’d hoped to be offered some sugar, but no such luck. It was almost as tasteless as the rice and vegetables we’d eaten the previous night.
Shannon, Michael, Gee, Ali and I were stood a few feet away, huddled together next the edge of the cramped tent. Jack had apparently decided to wake up early to check all the food tents during breakfast hours. I felt guilty he’d gone on his own, but Shannon assured me he’d turned down their offers of help.
‘Is it even a good thing?’ I asked. ‘To elicit five fanny farts, or any at all?’
&nb
sp; ‘I do not understand,’ Gee said. ‘Why would fart during sex be good thing?’
‘Chris means a British fanny,’ Ali told him. ‘Not a real fanny.’ She pointed at her own behind, but then looked uncomfortable. ‘I mean an American fanny.’ She let out an exasperated groan. ‘You know what I’m saying,’ she muttered, shaking her head. ‘I drank too much last night.’
I laughed. ‘You drank too much? Fuck knows how much we drank,’ I said, pointing at Gee and then myself.
‘What time did you get back to the house?’ Michael asked.
‘Fuck knows?’ I looked to Gee. ‘Any idea?’
Gee shrugged. ‘So you mean fart out of vagina?’
‘Yes exactly that,’ I replied. ‘I didn’t even hear one fanny fart, let alone five. And I heard everything. Did you not hear them Gee?’
Gee shook his head. ‘I heard no farts. I maybe fart in sleep.’
‘Not just the farts. I meant the whole thing. Did you hear them having sex?’
He just shook his head again.
‘Fanny farts as you call them Chris, can be a good thing,’ Shannon said, leaning forwards slightly, as if to impart some valuable information. ‘It can mean it’s aggressive sex. Not violent aggressive. You know? Nicely aggressive.’
We all grinned at Michael.
His eyebrows arched as he returned our glares. ‘What?’ he asked.
With my grin broadening, I said, ‘Aggressive with a crossbow, and in the bedroom Mikey Boy?’
Michael just shrugged and chewed on his lumpy porridge, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth.
‘Well either way,’ I said. ‘I think it’s a weird thing to say to somebody.’
‘No, I’ll definitely agree with you on that one,’ Shannon said. ‘I’ve never said it to anyone.’
‘Oh, by the way Ali,’ I said. ‘Charles likes you. He asked if you were single.’
‘Charles? The guy who runs Pea’s Place?’ she asked.
‘Yep, did you meet many other people called Charles last night?’
‘Interested?’ Shannon asked, smiling.
Ali screwed up her face. ‘I don’t know, can’t really remember what he looked like.’
Michael grinned. ‘Made a big impression then?’
‘Big lips and long arms,’ Ali mused, before looking at me. ‘Did his hair look like it had been stuck on his head? Like Lego hair?’
Laughing, I said, ‘Yep, that pretty much sums him up.’
Shrugging, Ali placed her empty bowl inside mine. ‘Yeah, why not? I’d give him a go. Come on. Let’s go back.’
When we got back to the house, the English woman with the nice bum was leaving through the front door, just as I was walking in. She looked me in the eyes, smiled and said ‘Good morning,’ before continuing onto the street.
It either wasn’t her last night, or she doesn’t care that I heard her, or she doesn’t know I’m on the bed above her.
I’d gone in to use the toilet, while everyone else walked around the side of the house to get into the back garden. After I’d finished, I opened the bathroom door to find Jack stood in the corridor, smiling back at me.
‘Morning Jacqueline. Any luck?’
‘Yes Christopher. Beth is in the garden with everyone else.’
‘What? That’s fucking brilliant.’ I stepped forwards and hugged him.
He patted me on the back. ‘Yes I know, but get off me. I came here to have a piss, not just to tell you the good news.’
I quickly released him and he grabbed his crotch, before shuffling into the bathroom. ‘Nearly pissed myself then,’ he said, closing the door behind him with his arse.
I walked to the back door and stepped out into the garden. It was still cold out. A little shiver ran through me as I walked. The sun was out but my breath was visible.
It must start getting warmer soon.
Beth was talking to Shannon and Michael. I thought she might have had a bit of a baby bump, but she wasn’t showing at all. I’d forgotten that she wasn’t actually that far along. A few feet behind her stood a tall man, about six foot three or four. He was slim, with only a little bit of stubble on his face. His hair was short and scruffy. He looked awkward.
Beth’s attention was on Shannon, but then she noticed me walking towards her. ‘Chris,’ she said, tears filling her eyes. She walked towards me, her arms outstretched.
We met half way and embraced. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Jack told me everything.’
I released her and took a step back. ‘Thanks? For what? What did he tell you?’
‘Thank you for getting Jack here. What else?’
‘Nah, I didn’t do anything. Shannon, Michael and Gee did more for him than I did.’
‘You saved his life,’ she said.
‘He threw me in a fucking bin and left me,’ Jack said, as he walked towards us from the house, a smile on his face.
I stuck two fingers up in his direction.
‘Jack,’ Beth scolded him. ‘Chris carried you to safety while you were unconscious. I bet you haven’t even thanked him, have you?’
‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘I don’t want him to thank me. It’d be weird.’
‘No it’s not okay.’ She looked Jack straight in the eyes. ‘You should thank Chris.’
Jack rolled his eyes and groaned.
‘Seriously, it’s fine,’ I said. ‘This is already weird and uncomfortable.’
‘See, he doesn’t want me to thank him,’ Jack said.
‘Jack,’ Beth said, giving him her most disappointed look.
‘Oh for fu…’ Jack started, and then turned to me. ‘Thank you for carrying me away from the zombies and leaving me in a bin.’
‘No problem at all,’ I replied. ‘I’d happily dump you in a bin anytime.’
Jack turned back to his wife, his arms out and palms up.
‘It’ll do for now I suppose,’ she said. ‘Chris, come and meet Roy.’ She turned and beckoned the tall bespectacled man over.
Jack took the opportunity to lean in closer to me, whispering in my ear, ‘Sarah is dead.’
Fuck me. He left that until the last second. Would have been pretty bad if I’d opened with, how’s the wife? Speaking of which, has Jack figured out why Beth put Roy’s surname on the list yet?
‘Roy, this is Chris,’ Beth said.
I shook his hand. ‘Hi Roy, really good to finally meet you.’
‘You too. Beth told me all about you. I’m really glad you and Jack made it up here.’
Do I mention his wife? Better not. Let him start that topic of conversation.
‘Where have you been staying?’ I asked, gesturing behind me with my thumb. ‘I hope it’s nicer than our place?’
Roy let out a little chuckle. ‘It’s on the other side of the camp. It’s not much better than this house.’
‘How long have you two been here?’ Shannon asked.
‘Seven days, or is it six? It’s easy to lose track of the days.’
Jack and Beth slipped away and headed towards the house.
‘What jobs were you both given?’ Michael asked him.
‘Beth works in the food tent near our house,’ Roy hesitated, suddenly looking uncomfortable. He scratched his head and shifted his weight from his left to his right foot. ‘The house we live in I mean. That we share with other people. It’s over by the harbour. I work on the docks, unloading the fishing boats. Not exactly where I imagined myself working.’
Michael nodded, before excusing himself and wandering off towards the house.
Ask about the name thing or not? Fuck it.
‘Why did Beth put your–?’
‘What was your job before all this Roy?’ Ali quickly asked, cutting me off mid question.
What the fuck?
Roy’s eyes nervously darted between me and Ali. ‘Erm…I was a Data Science Manager.’
‘Oh, okay,’ Ali replied.
Roy’s eyes settled on Ali. ‘It was looking at data and finding interesting patterns
and shit. I was in the Sea Cadets until I was sixteen, so I wouldn’t have minded working on the fishing boats.’
Ali just smiled politely and nodded her head.
‘When we were looking through the list of names…’ I paused to glance at Ali rolling her eyes. ‘Beth had your second name,’ I continued.
‘Yes.’ Roy put his clenched fist in front of his mouth and cleared his throat. ‘We travelled up here with another group. They were very…let’s just say friendly with Beth. She was worried they might try something, so we pretended to be married. They were still with us when we gave the sheriff our names.’
I looked to Ali. ‘There you go. A simple explanation. That wasn’t hard was it?’
She scowled back at me.
Roy leaned in closer and lowered his voice. ‘Jack seems a bit off with me. He should know that nothing untoward happened between Beth and me. It was all just for show. What with Sarah…and everything, we just helped each other through all of this.’
‘He’ll be fine,’ I said. ‘He’s just been worried about everything. Emotions running high and all that.’
Michael reappeared and handed Roy a cup of something, steam rising up and out of the cup. ‘So Roy, what happened in California?’ Michael asked. ‘We were there at your house after you’d left.’
I shot a glance towards the kitchen window.
Do we have tea and coffee in this shithole?
‘I don’t suppose the house was still standing was it?’ Roy asked.
‘No sorry,’ Michael said. ‘It was a pile of rubble.’
‘Thought it would be,’ he sighed. ‘When we realised it was going to be bad, Sarah, my wife, called Beth and told her to come to our place. She knew that Jack was away, and that Beth was alone. We bunkered down for the first few days in our house. We started smelling the smoke on day five or six. It just got thicker and thicker, eventually it was so black we could barely see anything outside. It was so dark it was like night all the time. We didn’t want the house to burn down around us, so we decided to get out and try and come here. Or to Canada anyway. We went via Beth and Jack’s apartment so she could leave him a note. It was a good job we left when we did. When we got out of the city we could see the fires taking over everything. It wasn’t long after we got outside the city, that Sarah…’ He broke off and stared at the ground for a long moment.