by Chris Colfer
The Sea Witch
Proof we can learn something from all of God’s creatures—even a foul-smelling sea-lice-covered crustacean can teach us something. The Sea Witch has a unique status; she’s considered a villain even though she’s never really committed a crime. She never forced anyone to make a trade with her; the Little Mermaid willingly sought her out to make a trade. It’s the morbid way the Sea Witch goes about her business that gives her such a villainous reputation.
Example 1: In exchange for legs, the Sea Witch cut the Little Mermaid’s tongue out of her mouth. What is wrong with this woman? What does she possibly need a tongue for? Would a nice shell not have been sufficient?
Example 2: When the Little Mermaid decided to be a mermaid again, the Sea Witch traded a magic dagger in exchange for her sisters’ hair! (Makes me glad to be an only child!) She then instructed the Little Mermaid to stab the man she loved in the heart to reverse the spell. Um… gross! Was this REALLY necessary?
I’ve had the misfortune of meeting the Sea Witch—what she really should be trading for is some scented candles! Which brings me to:
Example 3: Her home is decorated in dead body parts! She uses a whale’s rib cage as a staircase! Would it kill her to have nice floral wallpaper or a few accent pillows? People will judge you on how you choose to present yourself. If you have macabre tastes, save them for behind closed doors.
Overall, the Sea Witch is disgusting and complicated for sport. She enjoys being grotesque and difficult, which is very unnecessary. If you’re blessed to have the upper hand in a situation, don’t choose to slap people with it. They might slap you back on your way down.
The Snow Queen
The Snow Queen is the ultimate ice queen. I don’t care how cold your lifestyle is—no one has an excuse to be as bitter as she is.
The Snow Queen was once the most feared weather witch throughout the kingdoms. She used to rule the north until Snow White’s father reclaimed it and founded the Northern Kingdom. Since then, she spends her days pouting in isolation and sends violent blizzards through the Northern Mountains whenever she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. She was also so upset about losing power that her eyes froze with tears and then melted away!
How pathetic is that? The lesson here is to handle your defeats with dignity. No one is going to respect or admire a gloomy and jaded old queen.
The Giant
Tantrums make everyone look small, especially giants. I understand why the Giant was angry. Jack snuck into his home, stole some money, and rescued the enchanted (and terribly annoying) harp. The Giant felt belittled.
However, if the Giant had just taken a deep breath and counted to ten, rather than chased a boy one-sixteenth his size down a beanstalk in a rage, he would still be alive today! Like my granny always says: “Don’t get mad—get even!” When retaliating, make sure you’re practicing intelligent revenge so you don’t overreact and cause yourself more harm.
The Giant’s downfall (literally a downfall!) teaches us to have some self-respect and not to sweat over the small stuff. Which I suppose is everything when you’re a giant.… (Fun fact: We also learned giant carcasses make excellent fertilizer!)
Ezmia the Enchantress
Now, here’s a villain for the ages! This fairy gone rogue redefined the word selfish! All the royal families including myself were dragged for miles by vines because of her! I refuse to defend her, so I’ll dive right into my evaluation.
Ezmia’s biggest problem was that she had absolutely everything she needed: power, beauty, intelligence, and an adorable sidekick—yet she still wanted more! She was a colossal brat and as shallow as an ant’s teakettle! Her soul was like a bottomless pit that could never be filled. Being spoiled and greedy is a dangerous combination! Not all of us can manage it as well as I do.
Her ego was out of control! It blinded her judgment, making her vulnerable in ways she didn’t think were possible. In the end, a couple snarky comments from a teenage girl were what defeated her. I saw it happen! Sticks and stones didn’t break her bones; it was words that hurt her!
Almost the opposite of the Snow Queen, the Enchantress is a good example of someone who let their success get to their head! It made her careless and opened her up to weakness. Believing you are too big to fail will only result in failure!
Well, this has been a delightful chapter to write! Dissecting the flaws of famous people is one of my favorite hobbies. If only this book had been published earlier, history’s most hated figures might have been remembered differently.
Chapter 8
Pebbles in Your Shoe
Since this is our eighth chapter together, I’m going to tell you a little secret: I despise orphans. I mean, what good are they? When is the last time an orphan asked you how your day was? Can you name one “exceptional orphan” you’ve met?
I just read the previous paragraph aloud to Charlie and his mouth dropped open. He’s informed me I need to explain myself better so I don’t come across as heartless.
The “orphans” in the Red Riding Hood Kingdom did not lose their parents—they’re all alive and well. The children living in the orphanages are the bratty, mischievous, and greedy delinquents who were too much for their parents to raise, so they became the government’s problem.
This was entirely my fault and I take full responsibility. When I first opened the orphanages, there was a minor miscommunication with the scribe I was dictating my plans to. I said the orphanages were for “the children of deceased parents,” but that idiot wrote down “children of distressed parents.” I should have made him read it back to me, but I had scheduled an important nap to take afterward. By the time the typo came to my attention, the decree had already been posted all over the country. The next thing I knew, mothers and fathers from all corners of the kingdom had dragged their rambunctious children into town and left them on my doorstep.
Since then, those terrors have caused us nothing but headaches! They’re constantly sneaking out at night to play pranks around the kingdom! They put soap in the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf Memorial Fountain. They stained the wool on Little Bo Peep’s sheep, causing a tie-dyed-coat trend that winter. They’ve locked cats inside henhouses, glued cows’ hooves to the ground, and even filled Lady Muffet’s mailbox with spiders. The list goes on!
However, despite loathing them, I can never let my detestation show. It’s very important a monarch never reveal a pebble in their shoe, for their enemies may turn it into a boulder!
So, to keep up appearances, I spend one day every year with the orphans to disguise my disgust. During which the orphans and I play games like “tie the queen up,” “tiara Frisbee,” “guess what’s under her dress,” “Will she sink or swim?” and my favorite, “Is that a wig?” The kingdom thinks I’m being generous, the orphans think I like them, and no one is the wiser.
The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that when they become adults, I’ll get to tar and feather them. This visual has saved me from losing my temper on several occasions when I’m forced to be with people who annoy me.
Chapter 9
Hosting Other Royals
If there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s a good party! I’m always looking for an excuse to throw one. Whenever one of my friends or relatives has a birthday or celebrates a special occasion, I put together a huge extravaganza in their honor. And sometimes they even attend!
Having a party on the horizon is a great way to get through a difficult situation. Every time I get kidnapped or narrowly escape death (which happens so often you’d think they were my hobbies), I plan a special event in my head. Just knowing you’ll be surrounded by friends, music, games, food, drinks, and matching furniture can bring a little sunshine to the cloudiest days.
This trick was tremendously helpful when the Enchantress kidnapped me. There I was, strapped to a wall by enchanted vines with all the other royals. The fear of death wasn’t even the worst part; we had to suffer through hours of a repetitive soliloquy as the E
nchantress bragged about her universal domination—it’s a wonder our ears didn’t bleed!
As I looked around at all the gloomy faces, a little voice in my head whispered, “Wouldn’t it be fun to have an ‘I survived the Enchantress’ party when this mess is over?” Instantly my frown was turned upside down and the party-planning gears in my head rotated at full speed. I was so excited I almost forgot I had been kidnapped at all.
What kind of party did I want it to be? Being held prisoner always gives me an appetite, so I figured a dinner party would be the most fun to think about. Where did I want to have the party? I had just remodeled my castle, so naturally I wanted to show it off. Who was I going to invite? All the captive royals around me looked like they could use a party. I figured it might be nice to spend time together by choice for a change. Maybe it would make the next time we were imprisoned together more enjoyable.
With my plans in motion, I began passing out verbal invitations while the Enchantress was on another tangent of self-congratulations.
“Pssssst, Snow White,” I whispered. “Snow White, over here!”
Snow White was a little wrapped up in the situation, so it took a while to get her attention. “What is it, Red?” she whispered back.
“I want to invite you and Chandler to my castle for dinner!” I said, and gave her a thumbs-up.
“Um… sounds nice…,” Snow White said. She wasn’t as enthusiastic as I’d hoped, but I couldn’t blame her given what we were going through at the time. Not everyone knows how to handle a crisis as well as I do.
“Hey, Sleeping Beauty!” I whispered, but she was either too far to hear or just ignoring me. “If you can hear me, you and Chase are invited to my castle for dinner once this ordeal is over!”
“Red, what are you doing?!” Rapunzel whispered to me.
“I’m inviting everyone to my castle for a party,” I said.
“The Enchantress is about to kill us! We’re not going to have a party!” Rapunzel snipped.
“Not with that attitude,” I said. “You’re not invited if you’re going to be such a downer!”
Rapunzel was probably just upset I hadn’t asked her first. I turned my head to Goldilocks and Jack, who were pinned to the wall next to me.
“Goldilocks, you and Jack should come to—”
“We already have plans,” Goldilocks said before I could finish. Typical! You’d think a fugitive would be more fun.
While I’ve never been the biggest fan of Cinderella’s, it would have been rude not to include her, since I was inviting everyone else.
“Cinderella!” I said, and we made eye contact. “This probably isn’t the best time, but I’m going to host a dinner at my castle. I would love to have you and Chance come if you’re not busy. No children, though, so get a sitter for Hope—sorry about her getting kidnapped, by the way! Worst week ever, am I right?”
“Uh-huh,” she mumbled.
In the end, everyone had panicked for no reason. The Enchantress was defeated, we were all freed, and life returned to normal.
The Enchantress taking over the world was nothing compared to the stress of planning the party! I’d never realized how much pressure comes with hosting a party for royals until I got into the thick of things! I regretted inviting them the minute I started making plans. But to no surprise, I rose to the occasion and planned a lovely and successful evening!
Here are some recommendations should you ever host one yourself—especially if I’m invited.
Impressing from the Start
Remember, unlike your friends and relatives, royal families are accustomed to exquisite things. It’s almost impossible to impress them! So here’s my method of planning: Picture an evening from start to finish filled with things that would impress you—now double that expectation! Now take that image and add as many shiny objects as you can visualize without having a seizure. That will still underwhelm them, but stop there. Anything more than that will seem tacky.
I was worried they might have forgotten about my party after that whole “end of the world” thing we survived. So I sent two dozen horn players and a minstrel to each of their palaces to perform a musical invitation as a subtle reminder.
It took me two weeks of meticulous planning to make our evening a spectacular event to remember. The dining room was decorated in gold tablecloths and gold candlesticks. I had twelve of my favorite portraits of me hung so we would have something pleasant to look at while we ate. I also had all the floors recarpeted, all the art cleaned, and all the furniture reupholstered in the other rooms just in case someone wanted a tour.
Not only did the castle have to look its best, but also the kingdom needed to look better than ever. I traveled around the kingdom and ordered my people to clean up their yards, paint their barns, and keep their unattractive family members indoors. On the day of the dinner, I made my citizens line the streets in their best clothes—bonnets and bowties, I said. They smiled and waved at the royals as they entered our kingdom and traveled to my castle.
I waited on the landing of the grand staircase in the entrance hall, dressed in my best gown, hood, gloves, and jewels, and greeted each of the monarchs as they arrived. It’s important to be playful when welcoming other heads of state. There’s nothing worse than hosting a stiff dinner.
“Cinderella, you look wonderful! Who says you need a Fairy Godmother’s help to put a look together?!” “Sleeping Beauty, my, how rested you look! I wish someone would curse me to sleep for one hundred years!” “Darling Rapunzel, I love what you’ve done with your hair! Is the rest of it still making its way out of your carriage?” “Oh my, Snow White! Are you all right? It looks like you’ve seen a ghost!”
Snow White looked at me oddly and then finally sighed. “Oh, it’s a joke… because I’m so pale… Funny.”
“I hope you all had pleasant journeys! How do you all like my kingdom?” I asked.
“It’s… cute,” Cinderella said. “Do your people always line the streets and wave at your guests?”
“Were they doing that again? Oh, those silly dears. I told them it wasn’t necessary! They just love welcoming people to their beautiful home.”
“I wouldn’t say it was welcoming,” Sleeping Beauty said. “It was a little unsettling, actually, like something in a nightmare. I was afraid they were going to attack our carriage.”
All the royals nodded along with concerned eyes. Perhaps the citizens were a bit much.
“Well, with the amount of time you’ve slept, I’m sure everything reminds you of a nightmare.” I laughed awkwardly. “Who’s hungry?”
Making Special Accommodations
Royals like feeling special (it’s in our genes), so it’s your job to make them feel special while they’re in your home. This can be challenging when hosting multiple guests who wear crowns. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be an obnoxious display of affection (although one wouldn’t hurt if I’m in your home). All we need is a little something to show that you put our personal needs into consideration.
For example, as I escorted my guests to the dining room, I made a point to show Cinderella where all the exits were.
“Why are you showing me these?” Cinderella asked. “Do you want me to leave?”
“Of course not!” I said. “It’s just in case you need to make a mad dash at midnight. We all know you’re usually the first one out the door.”
“That’s kind of you,” she said, “but I’m not planning to leave earlier than anyone else. The Fairy Godmother is watching Princess Hope tonight, so there’s no curfew! I’ll happily sit at your side until the evening comes to an end.”
“Oh, you were planning to sit with us?” I said. “I had them set a special place for you with the servants downstairs. I figured you’d be more comfortable given your history of service.”
Judging by her face, this was more kindness than she was willing to accept. I assured her it would be no trouble to have them set an extra place in the dining room. I think I gained major points
with Cinderella that night. We might even be considered friends now! It’s amazing what a little hospitality can do.
Before the appetizer was served, while Charlie was entertaining the men and Granny was showing the women my portraits, I pulled Snow White aside.
“Just to let you know, I made sure tonight’s meal would be entirely apple-free,” I said with an adorable wink. “I didn’t want you to be worried about dietary restrictions tonight.”
“Oh, thank you,” Snow White said. “But just so you know, I’m not allergic to apples. The one my stepmother tried to kill me with was poisoned—it could have harmed anyone. I actually like apples.”
“Ah,” I said. “That’s what I meant. I told my chef, ‘absolutely no poisoned apples tonight!’ We’ll send those to the orphanage.”
Snow White never laughs at my jokes. I have a feeling my humor is above her comprehension, the poor thing. I even had the chef bring out an apple with a small sign that read NOT POISONED. She didn’t laugh at that, either.
Roughly halfway through the first course, Sleeping Beauty gently tapped me on the shoulder.
“Red, out of curiosity, why is there a pillow next to my place setting?” she asked.
“I had that placed there in case you needed to take a rest,” I explained. “Don’t worry, I won’t be offended in the slightest. I can’t imagine how the curse affected your sleep cycle.”