by Chris Colfer
Dear Diary,
Met my good friend Andy Warhol at some loft called the “Factory” in New York City today. It was exactly like I’ve always imagined the inside of his head to look—nothing but abstract art and outlandish characters running about.
We’ve been close for ages! When he got sick as a kid, I used to tell him stories and keep him company at the hospital. Andy’s been an odd duck since birth, so naturally we hit it off right away. I’m so proud of him and everything he’s accomplished. It takes real brilliance to turn eccentricity into something profitable.
Andy invited his friends and me over to unveil a new piece of art he had been working on. He ripped off the cover and for a moment I thought I had lost my mind. I saw the same picture of me but four times, each in a unique combination of colors. It was like the Fairy Council’s worst nightmare.
“It’s transcendent, don’t you think?” he asked me. “I’m planning to do this for all my favorite people in pop culture, but no one will ever compare to you.”
“Andy, if I’m honest, it’s not my cup of tea,” I said. “But then again, I told you painting canned food was a bad idea, and look what that did for you!”
I have to keep Lester home whenever I visit him. He’s convinced Andy stole his hairstyle.
2015, WASHINGTON, DC
Dear Diary,
Well, I was back in Washington, DC, today, so you know what that means.… Yup, more marching! This time it was for marriage equality with my LGBT friends.
Of all the things I’ve protested over the years, I never thought I would be marching for the right to love. We never put limits on love where I come from—in fact, it used to annoy the crap out of me! Being among those men and women today made me realize how much I’ve taken that for granted.
I must say, of all the historical protests I’ve been to, this one was the most colorful and the most fun, and had the best music! There were so many rainbows, I was reminded of the Fairy Council everywhere I looked. The LGBT community really knows how to protest something. Although I keep getting called sir, so I’m not sure what that’s about.
You’d think I would be tired of marching after all these years, but I never back down from something I believe in. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my time and committed many wrongs, but I’ll always stand on the right side of history.
In Conclusion
What a life I’ve lived! As if it wasn’t exhausting the first time around, reliving everything has really worn me out. From the looks of things, life isn’t going to wind down anytime soon. I think this old lady has a few more adventures left in her. I’ve still got sights to see, people to meet, places to visit, and debts to pay off.…
It’s funny to think about where I was before I found the Otherworld. I was unhappy, uninterested, and, worst of all, unappreciated. But just because my world had no use for this wise-cracking old lady doesn’t mean there wasn’t a world that did. And thank goodness I found it!
Think about all the people and places I would have missed if I hadn’t gotten off my rocking chair and gone out into the world. Think about all the lives I touched and the changes I helped make—things sure would have been different if it weren’t for me. True, the Otherworld may have been just fine without me, but we’ll never know for sure.
The truth is, you’ll never know the real differences you’ll make in the world or in someone’s life. Many people don’t get the credit or the blame they deserve because history has a funny way of remembering things—always has and always will. All we can do is live every day like we want to be remembered, and hope it’ll benefit the greater good. And if that’s your goal, chances are you’ll wind up helping someone along the way, even if it’s just yourself.
Well, I better feed Lester before he gets crabby. All this reminiscing has made both of us very hungry. Thank you so much for taking the time to humor the life and times of this trailblazer. As my good friend Carol Burnett always says, “I’m so glad we had this time together.”
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About the Author
CHRIS COLFER
is a #1 New York Times bestselling author and a Golden Globe–winning actor. He was honored as a member of the TIME 100, Time magazine’s annual list of the one hundred most influential people in the world, and his books include Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal, and the books of the Land of Stories series: The Wishing Spell, The Enchantress Returns, A Grimm Warning, and Beyond the Kingdoms.
Contents
Cover
Welcome
Queen Red Riding Hood’s Guide to Royalty
Title Page
Dedication
Introduction: The Prince and Me
Chapter 1: Beneath the Hood
Chapter 2: Image Is Everything
Chapter 3: Be Cautious of Compliments
Chapter 4: Appointing Royal Subjects
Chapter 5: Peasants Are Like Pets
Chapter 6: Making a Scandal Work for You
Chapter 7: Avoiding Hatred and Villainy
Chapter 8: Pebbles in Your Shoe
Chapter 9: Hosting Other Royals
Chapter 10: Recommended Reading
Outroduction: A Few Final Words
Acknowledgments
Praise for Queen Red Riding Hood’s Guide to Royalty
The Mother Goose Diaries
Title Page
Dedication
Forewarning Foreword
100 DA (Dragon Age)
100 AD (After Dragons)
5 GA (Golden Age)
7 GA
10 GA
1349, London (Otherworld)
1428, France
1503, Italy
1519, Italy
1532, London
1565, London
1590, Japan
1719, The Caribbean
1774, Versailles
1775, Corsica
1869, Washington, DC
1886, Texas
1938, South Pacific
1942, England
1954, Hollywood
1963, Washington, DC
1969, Woodstock
1970, Las Vegas
1976, Manhattan
2015, Washington, DC
In Conclusion
About the Author
Copyright
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2015 by Christopher Colfer
Cover and interior illustrations for Red Riding Hood’s Guide to Royalty © 2015 by Brandon Dorman
Cover illustration for The Mother Goose Diaries © 2015 by Brandon Dorman
Interior illustrations for The Mother Goose Diaries by Olga and Aleksey Ivanov
Cover © 2015 Hachette Book Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Little, Brown and Company
Hachette Book Group
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The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
First ebook edition: November 2015
ISBN 978-0-316-35223-9
E3
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Chris Colfer, Adventures From the Land of Stories Boxed Set