by Joyce Alec
Instead of just looking forward to coming home for the food, Stephen began to look forward to coming home to his wife. Her ready smile brought a happiness to his heart he couldn’t explain, her welcome always making him feel as though he were appreciated. Yes, something had changed, but he couldn’t quite work out what it was.
He thought back to the night almost a week ago when she’d been in his arms, not moving, not speaking. She’d looked up at him with eyes that spoke of confusion and wonder, as though not quite certain about what he planned to do. The truth was, he hadn’t been certain either, finding himself caught up with her entirely. He hadn’t wanted to move away from her, too afraid that he’d shatter whatever it was that had wrapped itself around them.
He’d almost kissed her.
Dropping his head in his hands, Stephen groaned aloud, sitting down on the edge of his bed. He’d pushed that thought away from his mind for days now, and still it dogged him. He hadn’t wanted to admit it, even to himself, but he knew that the truth was undeniable. When she’d looked up at him, he had felt his heart stir. Hazel had looked so stunningly beautiful that he’d hardly been able to breathe, his heart filling with emotion. And then, he’d moved away, knowing he couldn’t do it.
He didn’t want to fall in love with his wife and had been vehemently denying to himself that he felt anything for her. Still, his feelings grew. They were growing closer, which he certainly appreciated, but he’d never wanted anything more than friendship between them. There wasn’t any expectation of more than that.
“Are you coming?”
Closing his eyes, Stephen ran one hand down his face before getting up, setting his shoulders. “Yes.” He would have to just push those thoughts away again, just like he’d been doing every day since last Saturday evening.
“I thought you deserved a good meal this evening, so I’ve made you everything I knew you’d enjoy,” Hazel said and smiled as he came in. Stephen stopped short, staring at the table that was filled with everything he could ever dream of. He closed his eyes tightly and then opened them again, hardly able to believe that she’d done this.
“Why?” he asked softly, moving forward to sit across from her. “Why did you do this?”
She shrugged, her cheeks pink as she smiled at him. “I wanted you to know how much I appreciate how well you take care of…this place. And me.”
“Oh.” Stephen didn’t know what to say, the words dying on his lips.
Bowing her head, Hazel waited for him to say the blessing. Still taken aback by what she’d done, Stephen murmured a prayer. When he opened his eyes, he saw her holding out the basket of freshly made rolls to him.
“Help yourself,” she said, with a quick smile. “There should be more than enough for us to have some again tomorrow and even Sunday!” Taking a roll for herself, she tucked in a stray tendril of hair and began to butter it.
Stephen couldn’t take his eyes off her.
This wasn’t the woman he had first met, so hard and brash. She was softer now, kind and compassionate. It was as though, in allowing her the freedom she demanded, he’d allowed the rest of her character to shine through. Had she been right about how he’d treated Daisy? After all, the mare had responded to her tenderness and understanding instead of his firm hand and demanding nature. Was the way he had treated Hazel exactly the same? When he’d been hard and unyielding, she’d refused to even consider what he was saying, determined to struggle against him. And now, when he had simply allowed her the freedom she wanted, when he listened to her conversation, she’d responded with tenderness and compassion.
“You’re not eating.”
Hazel’s soft voice broke into his thoughts, making him start in surprise. “Sorry.”
“You’re not disappointed, are you? Did I miss something?”
There it was again, the tiniest hint of her vulnerability. It wasn’t often she showed it, but now that she had, all he wanted to do was reassure her.
“I’m overwhelmed by it,” he said at once, reaching across the table to take her hand. She grasped it readily, without jerking away as he thought she might. “You’ve taken my breath away, Hazel.”
She blushed and looked away, a smile on her face. “I’m glad, Stephen. I want this to be a happy home.”
“So do I,” he agreed, looking over at her and letting go of her hand. “I think we’ve reached a better place.”
Her smile wobbled. “Yes, I’d agree, but there’s something important that I need to share with you.”
A frown immediately crossed his face. “Oh?”
She shook her head and shrugged. “It can wait. Let’s eat first.”
By the time the meal was over, Stephen had almost forgotten that Hazel had something she wanted to share with him. They’d talked about so many other things, and he’d enjoyed every minute of their conversation.
“Do you mind if I tell you now what I wanted to say?”
Stephen took the coffee cup from her as he sat in his rocking chair, seeing the strain on her face. “Of course. I’m sorry I forgot. I should have asked you sooner.”
“No, don’t worry,” came the reply. “I know I got rather distracted, too.” Taking in a deep breath, she began to walk up and down in front of the stove, her fingers twining together as she walked. Clearly, this was something that had troubled her deeply.
“I was in love before. I mean, I thought I was in love. With a young man named Christopher.”
Stephen frowned, watching her walk up and down the room. That wasn’t what he had expected to hear. “Oh?”
“He was from my town, and we had something of a friendship for a while, but it was a friendship that developed into something more.”
A stone dropped into Stephen’s stomach. Was she about to tell him that she was ruined and that the only reason she’d married him was so that she didn’t have to leave her town in disgrace? Had she brought shame to her family? Did they no longer want her in their home?
“I believed that Christopher loved me,” she continued, a little unsteadily. “I mean, he never really committed to me, and we never really spoke about the future, but in my mind, I thought we were to be married.” She glanced at him, her cheeks pale. “It turned out that marriage wasn’t what was on his mind.”
The coffee cup fell from his hands, clattering to the floor.
“No,” he breathed, staring at her as though she were, somehow, telling him untruths. “You cannot mean that he—?”
“He tried, but he didn’t succeed,” she said quickly, the words tumbling from her mouth. “I managed to get home safely, but I couldn’t go out there again. The whole town soon knew about it. My father had to be restrained once he discovered what had happened.”
Just as any father would react, Stephen thought, a white hot anger coursing through his veins.
“The reason I married you is so that I could get away,” she said quietly. “I couldn’t be in that town any longer, not when he was still there and not when the places I’d once loved had become spoiled.”
Understanding blossomed. “That’s why you’ve jerked away from me so often,” he said slowly. “You’re afraid I’m just like him.”
She shook her head fervently and came towards him, an uncertain look on her face. “No, Stephen, not any more. I mean, I did initially think that you were, but then as I got to know you, I realized that you couldn’t be like him. There’s none of that in you.”
His throat constricted at the vulnerability on her face, the anxiety written in her eyes. She was waiting for him to confirm that he believed her, that he didn’t hold it against her.
“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me,” he said softly, reaching for her hand and feeling just how cold it was. “I can understand you better now that I know.”
“That’s what I want,” she replied, her lips trembling just a little, her eyes glassy. “It’s been so difficult not being able to explain, but I hope you understand now. I couldn’t give in to your demands; I couldn’t have you
take away my freedom from me. Not after what happened.”
He got to his feet and held her tight against him, feeling her begin to shake. His anger burned against the man who had hurt her, wishing that he lived nearby so that he could do something more about it. His heart ached for Hazel, for all she had been through, for all she had suffered. He understood what it was like to believe you were loved in return, only for that all to be taken away.
Should I tell her my own story?
His mind closed at once, refusing to allow him to even consider doing such a thing. That was his own pain, his own grief. It was his to deal with, his to dwell on as he chose. He didn’t need to be as open with Hazel.
Her tears dampened his shirt as she clung to him, more exposed than he had ever seen her before. Grateful that she had been willing to tell him such a difficult story, he continued to hold her tightly, aware of her arms creeping around his neck. He allowed them to remain there, his eyes slowly closing as he rested his cheek against the top of her head.
Eventually, her sobs began to lessen until she became quiet in his arms. He didn’t know how long he’d held her for, time beginning to slow around them. This felt right, more than right; it was as though she belonged.
The usual noises began to rebel against what he was feeling, but he quieted them instead of allowing them to speak. He couldn’t explain what was going on, but the peace that filled him wasn’t something he was willing to throw away. He held her for a long time, until finally she lifted her head.
Her eyes looked into his, clearer than he had ever seen them before. Her cheeks were still damp, and he ran his thumb down one of them gently, wiping it away. Nothing was said between them, not even when his hand moved to her hair and began to tug the pins out of them one by one.
It was as though he were in a dream, as though he were not the one actually doing this. Her hair was soft, framing her face as it fell down over her shoulders and back. He ran his fingers through it, never taking his eyes away from hers.
When she lifted her face to his, Stephen didn’t hesitate. His lips touched hers gently, her hands tightening around his neck. A sweetness was in her kiss he hadn’t expected, a burst of happiness sending shivers all through him. Angling his head, he deepened the kiss and pulled her tight against him, promising with his kiss that he would never let her go. She would never have to face that kind of danger again. Her honesty and openness would not be discarded, not after what she had shared. For the first time in years, Stephen felt at peace.
All until he woke the following morning and realized what he had done.
15
Hazel woke the next day with a smile on her face and a love in her heart that had taken root the night before. Sharing her heart with Stephen had been both terrifying and rewarding, the pain sweeping through her all over again. Reliving the nightmare had been hard, but now, in seeing the response from Stephen, she knew it had been worth it.
When he’d taken her in his arms, she’d gone willingly, knowing that she could relax into his strength. More than just a comfort had been there. He had held her as though he would never let her go, his tender strength bringing her the relief she needed.
His kiss had been unexpected, but welcome. Finally, Hazel realized that she cared more for this man than just a friendly affection. Whatever had grown between them had blossomed into more than just a familiarity, and a deep-rooted connection had formed. The beginnings of love. She could not wait to see what their future held now.
A vision of children, of a happy family around the kitchen table, sprang into her mind, making her want to cry out with joy. She had forgotten those dreams the moment Christopher had pressed himself onto her, but now, despite all their difficulties, Stephen had brought those back to her.
She could barely take it in.
They’d parted last evening with barely anything more said between them. He’d been nothing but respectful. There had been no cajoling, no urging for her to come to his bed. It was as if he had been just as surprised by their kiss as she had been. The light in his eyes had given hope that things could only continue to grow between them.
Getting out of bed, Hazel took her time to dress, carefully pinning up her hair in a somewhat different style than usual. She flushed as she realized what she was doing, smiling to herself as she made her way down the stairs.
Stephen was nowhere to be seen.
Frowning, she saw a note on the table, one hastily written. Going to pick it up, she flipped it open and saw Stephen’s scrawl penning only two short lines.
‘I’m sorry, Hazel. I can’t do this. Please go to town and stay with Mary until I can make arrangements.
Stephen.’
Hazel read it over two or three times, her hands beginning to tremble. Her legs grew weak, her heart almost coming to a complete stop such was the shock of it. This couldn’t really be Stephen’s writing, could it?
She read it over again, her mind going blank. She had no idea what he meant by “I can’t do this.” He wanted her to go and stay with Mary until he could make arrangements? Arrangements for what? Divorce? Did he plan on sending her back home without explanation?
The letter fluttered to the floor as she sat forward, putting her elbows on her knees and burying her head in her hands. She waited for the tears to come but none did. Her eyes remained dry, something like anger beginning to burn in her heart.
Was this because of what she’d revealed to him last night? Was this to do with her past, to do with Christopher?
Shaking her head, Hazel got to her feet and began to walk up and down, much as she had done last evening. No, that could not be the case. He had listened to her and had tried to comfort her as best he could, before kissing her gently. He would not have done that if he hadn’t truly felt something for her!
Picking up the letter, Hazel read it over again before tearing it up into small pieces, letting them flutter to the floor. Did he really think that she’d just do as he asked, that she’d just go and stay with Mary before being sent home? Hadn’t he learned anything about her?
Stamping her foot, Hazel marched to the front door and flung the door open, expecting to see him standing there. Instead, all she could see were the horses, each lifting their heads as they spotted her. Stephen was nowhere to be seen.
Stopping for a moment, Hazel closed her eyes and took in a few deep breaths, trying her best to think clearly despite the turmoil that was going on in her heart. Stephen was clearly upset about something, although she didn’t know what. Where would he have gone? To town? To the pastures? She wasn’t expecting him to work today, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t have ridden out to the cattle in the hope of getting away from her. So what could she do? Chewing on her lip, Hazel opened her eyes and leaned on the porch rail, trying to think clearly.
Her first choice was to do just as he’d asked and go to Mary’s home and wait for him to come to her with an explanation. Then, she’d be told what would be happening next. Hazel snorted, shaking her head to herself. That wasn’t an option she would be taking, and she was surprised that Stephen even thought she would do that.
The second choice she had was to stay here and wait. He’d have to come back to the ranch sometime, and they could talk then—if he’d even talk to her. Maybe he’d retreat into himself, the silent man sitting in the rocking chair she’d once known.
Then, the only other thing she could do was go and look for him. She frowned, knowing that she had no knowledge of the pastures and that to go out there now would be foolish. Could she go to town? Could she speak to Mary and find out what she knew?
That idea gave her a sense of purpose, no longer feeling as lost and as confused as she did when she first read the letter. Mary had made a few comments about Stephen before, but had never said anything directly.
“Then maybe it’s time I find out the truth about my husband,” Hazel said to herself, her voice loud and filled with determination. “If he won’t tell me what’s making him do this, then I’ll find out fo
r myself.”
Hurrying towards the barn, she quickly found Daisy and saddled her up quickly, her heart beginning to pound as she did so. She still couldn’t believe that Stephen had written that letter, that he had been so callous as to push her away right after they had been closer than they’d ever been before.
She paused, her hands stilling on the reins. Was this why he had written that note? Was their kiss too much for him? A sudden memory of the day they had married caught her, forcing her to remember how he’d stood away from her, an uncertain look in his eyes. Had he married before? Had he loved before? Was this hardness, this fear of giving her the freedom she wanted, all stemmed from something like that?
“I won’t know until I ask Mary,” she said aloud, pressing her heels into Daisy’s sides and making her way to town.
The town was quiet when she got there, most likely because it was early morning still and not everyone was up and about. Much to her frustration, the mercantile was still closed, which only went to show just how early she was.
Not sure what to do, Hazel tied Daisy to the rail and began to wander around town, greeting a few familiar faces. One thing was for sure, Stephen was not there. Not yet, anyway. Whatever arrangements he was making, they weren’t here.
“Hazel? Is that you?”
Spinning around, Hazel saw Mary step out of the mercantile, tying her apron around her waist.
“Oh, Mary,” she whispered, hurrying towards her. Mary enveloped her in a hug almost at once, evidently seeing the pain on Hazel’s face.
“Whatever’s happened?” she asked, as Hazel felt herself crumple. “This isn’t the Hazel I know.”
Hazel wanted to be that strong woman she’d always been, but in the face of Mary’s compassion, her heart had torn to pieces and she’d felt herself break.
“I don’t know where Stephen is,” she whispered, tears pooling in her eyes. “He left me a note.”