by Kyra Fox
It wouldn’t be the first time I needed to take personal time off, because of school or my mom or brother, but never because of a girl. I feel ridiculous being sent home by my boss because my brain is exclusively occupied by a certain petite brunette.
I tried to see her again on Thursday after Professor Thorne’s class, but she never showed and eventually I gave up and went home, my thoughts engaged with her more than before.
Professor Thorne’s class was canceled this week, which is probably for the best. Zoe had made it clear that I was for one-night use only, after which we were to go our separate ways. Just the way I like it, I remind myself.
“I’m okay, Lenny. Honestly,” I assure him, though I’m not sure how truthful that statement is. “I’ll take a break, get some coffee, I’ll be fine.”
“Kid, you know I want to believe you.” Lenny’s already steering me toward my black 2001 Dodge Ram pickup truck. “But last week you installed used tires instead of new ones, gave customers the wrong car keys twice, and today it’s the gasket. How long before you make a mistake that ends up with someone getting hurt?”
“Yeah.” I deflate as the truthfulness of his words sinks in. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“Of course, I am, I’m the boss.” Lenny pats me on the back. “Let me know if I can help with anything.”
I nod and plod to my truck, furious at myself for letting things go so far. I never should have invited Zoe over. But I did, and I did more than invite her over, I let her in and let her do a whole lot of other things from the second she walked in, things I can’t stop thinking about as I lay in my bed at night.
But if I’m being honest with myself, I had let her affect me in more ways than one.
At night, when I finally managed to push the memories of her soft, warm body and rosy lips far enough down to drift into sleep, another deeper layer of being with her seeped through. How her body contrasted mine so completely that everything about us fit together perfectly. How her fragile appearance was in complete divergence to her strong character, how once I scratched the layer of insecurity, there was a dirty-mouthed goddess just waiting for someone to challenge her.
I desperately wanted to be the one to challenge her.
And if that were the end of it, I would have tracked her down a week ago and fucked her until I got it out of my system. But every time I planned on it, something would stop me. And I knew what that something was.
In the background of the amazing sex we shared on Saturday night, was that first evening we met.
That evening when I sat with her, I felt…carefree. I haven’t felt carefree in longer than I can remember, I’ve barely had a lighthearted moment to my name in the two and a half decades since I was born. And then this petite brunette, her eyes gleaming with sweet secrets, her entire being filled with mesmerizing contradictions, managed to make me feel happy and relaxed for several hours straight.
So, here I am, ten days later and I still can’t get her out of my head. She’s a mystery, a puzzle I just have to solve, and it’s driving me crazy which means I have to find Zoe and do whatever I need to do to get her out of my system, and I have to do it fast before the thought of her consumes me completely.
ZOE
I’m standing in line at Brain Juice, my favorite café near campus where I get my caffeine fix every Thursday before my lecture.
Since my friends aren’t here to keep me company, I usually get a to-go and enjoy the fresh air walk to class. Last week, I opted to sit and took my time reading some new publications, purposefully late for my class so I wouldn’t have to see Mac. Part of me was disappointed that he wasn’t waiting in the front row, but I reminded myself that this is better.
It’s childish, I know. We’re two consenting adults who had a very successful one-night stand, which I had initiated and walked away from when it was over.
But I keep thinking about him, how he made me feel rather than think, how he made me laugh, how every part of his body fit mine so perfectly, and how I was having impractical thoughts about more.
He had called me a sex goddess, for crying out loud. He didn’t want the real me, he wanted the version that channeled Phoebe’s sex kitten vibes and Trista’s carefree no regrets decision-making philosophy. I was neither of those, so I decided to actively avoid him, and I’m glad he’s doing the same.
But this week Professor Thorne is on personal leave so I took his earlier slot, knowing Mac wouldn’t be around, and after class, decide to get a to-go mocha and take a walk enjoying the beautiful fall evening.
I’m standing in line waiting to order when a tingle rushes through my spine, and I don’t need to turn around to know the subject of my thoughts is standing right behind me.
“I see you’ve upgraded your leper look.”
“Lecture look, and yes, I figured I could at least wear the right size cardigan.” I don’t dare look back.
“Or maybe you just needed someone to remind you what a sexy goddess you are, make you stop wanting to hide behind awful clothes.” My stomach drops. This is why I can’t continue sleeping with him. When he looks at me, he sees the mask I wore, not the real me.
“I’m not a sex goddess, Mac.” I look down at my feet. “I’m nothing like the girl who showed up at your apartment two weeks ago; I’m not entirely sure who that girl even was.”
“Oh, she was no girl, Goddess, she was all woman.” His words light up my body. “So, are you going to ask what I’m doing at your favorite on-campus café on a Thursday around the time of your lecture when I don’t even have class this week?”
“It’s a free country.” I shrug with what I hope is indifference.
“I’ve been waiting for you, you know, for a while now.”
“You could have called,” I whisper, still unable to bring myself to turn around.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t answer.”
He isn’t wrong. I would have told myself not to, though if I would have been able to listen to myself is an entirely different question. “Why have you been waiting for me?”
“I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I finally turn to look at him. His hand is on his neck, and his emerald-green eyes are filled with a silent plea.
“I can’t stop thinking about you, either.” His lips form a cautious smile, and a glimmer of hope appears in his eyes, making me regret my next words even before they leave my mouth. “But we’re better off leaving things the way they are. It was a crazy night, crazier than either of us had bargained for, but that’s all it is—one crazy night lingering in our heads. The next one will be disappointing in comparison and ruin the memory of what we shared.” I turn around, so I don’t have to keep looking at the hurt that had replaced the hope in his eyes.
Suddenly Mac is eerily close to me; I can feel his breath ruffling my hair, sending shivers through my body, and it takes all my will power not to whimper with want and need.
“I’m calling bullshit, Zoe,” he whispers and goosebumps rush over my skin at his deep voice. “You’re freaked out that it will be just as good, maybe even better, because when you’re with me, you lose control, stray from the blueprint, and that scares you.”
I’m taken aback at how on point Mac is. Sure I’m scared I won’t live up to the wild expectations I had set that first night, but the thought of what would eventually happen if I keep letting loose with him terrifies me.
Over the course of just one night, I had let him see parts of me that I had barely let any man even glimpse at before. If we keep seeing each other I’ll eventually let him see everything, I’ll give him everything, and I’m deathly afraid that he won’t give me anything back.
The thought of being so vulnerable just to have him leave when it gets too much for him to handle—when eventually he stops seeing me because all he can see is my IQ score, petrifies me. History has proven it will happen, statistics show the odds are against me, and as a scientist, I’m always compelled to adhere to the statistics, statistics don’t lie.
And yet, I find myself conflicted.
“Please, Zoe.” His forehead rests on the top of my head as he makes his desperate plea. “I can’t keep going on like this anymore, please don’t walk away from me.”
Those last words are said in barely a whisper. I feel my heart lurch at the despair behind them, clouding Mac’s entire being as he says them, and it’s my undoing.
For all the walls I built and excuses I had cataloged in my head for when I met Mac again, I have no defenses whatsoever when he inadvertently lets a small part of himself escape just for me, as if I’m his undoing as well.
“What’s your poison?” I indicate the cashier we’ve just reached.
“Strong cappuccino, no foam.”
I order his coffee and my mocha and turn to him. “I was planning on taking a walk if you want to join me?”
He releases the breath I hadn’t noticed he was holding and nods, that irresistible grin spreading across his face causing my stomach to flutter.
I apologize in advance to my heart, knowing I’m inevitably setting it up for pain but not able to do a damn thing to stop myself.
Chapter Six
MAC
“Tell me about your tattoo.” I tighten my jacket around me as we exit the café into the chilly autumn evening air.
“It’s an oxytocin molecule,” Zoe provides. “It’s the love hormone.”
“How uniquely cliché,” I chuckle. “I like it.”
“Did you ever think of getting a tattoo?”
I shrug. “They’re expensive, and it was never important enough.” I don’t elaborate that when you have to start earning money from the age of eight to buy food and pay the bills, even when you can eventually afford a tattoo as a grownup, it just seems like a waste of money no matter how much you actually want to get one.
I start feeling a bit tense, so I decide to try and steer the conversation to safer topics. “My turn. How did you lose your virginity?”
Zoe stares at me for a few seconds. I can’t tell if it’s because of my answer or because of my question, then she sighs.
“It’s not a pretty story.” She sips on her mocha.
“That sounds ominous.” I examine her as we keep walking. “You don’t have to tell me; it was a stupid question. I’ll think of a different one.” I berate myself for acting like an asshole again. Being around Zoe makes me nervous for some reason, and I keep saying dumb shit.
“It’s fine, Mac.” She smiles at me. “I was dating this guy for a while back in junior year of high school, Brad Shaw. He was the star of the debate team and was really romantic and nice all the time we were dating, so I decided he was worth my virginity.” She sits on a bench across from the giant fountain that’s been shut off due to the pending winter, and I follow suit. “And that spring formal was where it should happen.”
“Sounds like a solid plan that did not end on a positive note.”
“That’s an understatement.” Zoe snorts and shakes her head, taking another sip. “I was taking classes in college at the time, racking up points so when I graduated high school, I’d be all but done with college and could go straight to a master’s in chemistry.”
“I thought you graduated early.”
“I passed my science and math finals early so I’d be able to take college classes, but anything that didn’t involve a pattern or formula wasn’t really in my element. And since I liked being with my friends, I didn’t really want to graduate early, so all non-scientific subjects, I left be.”
Zoe continues. “Anyway, spring formal came around and true to my word I slept with Brad, and when it was over about ten seconds later he was angry as hell, started ranting about me being a virgin and how he thought that because I went to college I’d be some mega-slut who’d ‘teach him the ropes,’ or something to that effect.”
“What a douchebag.” I am genuinely pissed for seventeen-year-old Zoe. “Is it too late to kick his ass for you?”
Zoe laughs that full-body laugh that lights up everything around us.
“I broke his nose and spread a rumor that he has a tiny dick,” she assures me, and I make a mental note never to mess with her because, on top of all her other qualities, this woman can hold her own, and it just gives me another reason to like her. As if I lacked any, to begin with.
“But I appreciate the caveman sentiment, Babe.” She winks at me playfully, and I can’t help but laugh. “What about you?”
“Edith Moro.” A fond smile emerges at the thought of her. “Girl-next-door type, quiet but really confident, book worm if I’d ever seen one. We started dating during summer break after junior year and stayed together all through senior year. Had an amicable break up when she went to college in D.C.”
“Broke your heart?”
“A bit, yeah,” I admit though I don’t recall being shattered, just kind of sad. “But I knew it was coming so I was ready.”
“How did the two of you meet?” Zoe folds a leg up on the bench and turns my direction with her entire body, cocking her head to the side.
“In the library. We were probably the only two high-school students there during summer vacation.” I chuckle at the memory. “There I am, scanning the sci-fi shelf for a book I haven’t read yet, and all of a sudden this cute redhead just marches over and asks for my help to get a book about the mysteries of space off the top shelf. We spent the entire summer reading and talking about books.”
“Sounds like she wasn’t the only book worm in the relationship, Mr. Mackenzie.” Zoe grins at me with mischief filled eyes.
“I’m pretty sure that’s what convinced Edith to go out with me.” I match Zoe’s grin. My eyes drift down to the upturned lips and back to her shimmering eyes. “It was nice, having someone want me for what’s in my head.”
“She sounds perfect.” Zoe muses. “I bet every girl who came after her felt like a compromise.”
“I’m not compromising now.” I graze her soft cheek with my thumb, wishing I wasn’t wearing gloves.
Zoe’s cheeks flare in a soft shade of pink, and I think, fuck it. Pulling off my glove and pushing that purple bang out of her face, cupping her cheek, I lean forward as my heart races with anticipation. Zoe meets me halfway, her hand slipping into my hair as our lips meet in a tender touch.
My arm circles around her waist, and I pull her closer. I run my tongue over her upper lip, and she parts them, inviting me to slide into her mouth as she releases a soft moan into mine.
“Ahem.” A deep voice breaks the spell of our kiss, and we look up, finding the dean of students looking at us with a bemused smile.
“Dr. Lawrence.” He raises an eyebrow at us, still smiling. “Fine night for a walk. I’m sure most of the staff will be enjoying the refreshing air.”
Zoe nods, her face a deep shade of pink as her eyes dart around, looking anywhere but at the dean. With a final smirk, he turns and walks on. Zoe looks up after him eyes wide with mortification.
“We should probably get going.” She grabs the handles of her tote and stands, but I’m not ready for our evening to be over.
“Have you eaten yet?” I stand next to her and take her hand in mine as we start walking.
“Not yet. I was planning on throwing something together at home.” She’s looking at our entwined hands with a smile.
“I could make us dinner.”
“You cook?” She lets out a laugh which sounds somewhere between amused to desolated, and sighs. “Of course, you cook.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No, but by ‘throw something together’ I mean spread cream cheese on bread and slice a few vegetables if I happen to have any in my fridge.”
“Not much of a chef, I gather?” I chuckle.
“More of a baker.” Zoe smiles at me and leans her head on my arm. “I am a chemist, after all.”
“Peanut butter chocolate chip.”
“What about it?”
“That’s my favorite,” I inform her with a grin.
“Duly noted, Mr. Mackenzie.” Zoe smiles back at me, and I can’t help but tug at her bang.
“Hey, how’s this for an idea? Let’s go somewhere and get some real food, and tomorrow I’ll cook for you.”
“As far as ideas go, that’s a good one.” Zoe weaves her fingers through mine. I keep walking but stop when my hand starts stretching, and I realize Zoe is standing still with a smile.
“What?” I turn to her, and she stands on her tiptoes, planting a kiss on my lips.
“We’re not on campus grounds anymore,” she explains, and I laugh, pulling her close and bending down to kiss her again.
“I’ve wanted to do this since our date at Stout,” I admit. Zoe snorts and puts her hand over her mouth, looking at me with an amused expression.
“That was not a date, Mac.” She gives up the fight and bursts out laughing. “That was me wanting to get you into bed and you making it really hard to stick by that decision.”
“And yet…” A grin spreads over my face as her cheeks turn pink at the memory of the night she showed up at my apartment.
“You did well enough to get the one-night stand stamp of approval.” Zoe shrugs and resumes walking, pulling me after her.
“And yet…” I lift our joined hands and cock an eyebrow.
“You did well enough to deserve a chance to take me out to dinner and prove you’re not a complete asshole playboy.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me with a grin, and I can’t help but laugh, though her words hit a nerve.
“You make me nervous,” I admit without meaning to, and Zoe cocks her head, her brow furrowing. “I haven’t really dated anyone I had to work my brain for since Edith. I like it, I like you, but I may be a bit rusty, and it’s causing short circuits.” I pull my shoulders to my ears and clear my throat.
“I like you too, you’re fun when you don’t try too hard and end up saying stupid shit.” Zoe’s smile is sweet for about ten seconds before it turns wicked. “And I can’t really complain when you’ve obviously been training other muscles in the interim.”