by Terry Keys
He rolled a joint and took it with his beer to the backyard.
August in south Texas was always hot – very hot. And today was no different. He’d taken several hits from the joint and his beer was halfway gone when the back door swung open.
Blaze quickly spun around.
“Can we talk, son?” It was his dad.
“How the hell did you even get in here? Does mom know you’re here? Nobody wants you here.”
John sighed. “I used to live here remember? I can get into my own house.”
“Not your house anymore. And yeah, I remember. And then you hoe’d out. What do you want? I’m kind of busy here if you hadn’t noticed.”
John looked at the joint and the beer. He wanted to say something about them but fought against it. “You even want to hear my side?”
Blaze shook his head. “I’ve heard enough – you don’t get a side. Matter of fact, you chose a side already. You choose your skank.”
John took a deep breathe. “Despite how mad you may be at the world right now, there are worse things than your parents getting divorced.”
Blaze stared at him hard.
“How can you even say that? Like I should just be happy-go-lucky?”
“No. But maybe you could try to understand. I do love you, Blaze.”
Blaze chugged his beer and threw the can into the trash.
“Since when did you start drinking beer?”
“A while now. Man of the house can drink if he wants too, right? You vacated that title.”
Blaze pulled open the door to go inside.
“You can hang out here as long as you’d like. Use the side gate to let yourself out.”
John wantedto go after him, but he didn’t. He owed Blaze and Kevin an explanation and an apology. Blaze was so angry that he knew he may never get the chance.
John left through the fence door on the side of the house, slamming it shut. Blaze walked over to look out the window and caught the tail end of his dad.
He was glad that he just left without pressing to talk more. No matter what he tried, he’d never been enough for him. Blaze had taken up every hobby that his dad had shown interest in – even when he really didn’t care for it. All in an effort to win love from his dad but it never came. He always wanted more. Why couldn’t he see that? And the one thing that Blaze loved, music, his dad had told him was a waste of time. And that his dream of making it big had been stupid and immature. And then he confirmed how little he cared about him when he chose his whore over him too. Maybe since he was just a burden like his dad had said, he should just fix that.
He went upstairs, cranked his music up as loud as it would go and turned on his Xbox. He gulped down one of the beers he brought up with him. Then he popped open another can.
Why did his dad have not one, but two kids, if he was just going to abandon them?
No matter what Blaze did he knew he could never make his dad happy. Eventually, it always ended the same way: with him failing.
And how was this beef with Tre and Wayne going to end? Now he had court and fines and whatever the hell else. And those assholes had gotten off without a damn thing. They needed to pay for their part too.
His cell phone chimed on the bed. He figured it’d be his mom and he didn’t want to talk to her.
A minute went by and then two. Finally, he grabbed his cell to see what the hell she wanted.
It was a text from Nikki. Hey… how r u?
I’m okay. But we need to talk.
I can come by after school in about an hour. I’m here for you Blaze. I love you.
He chunked his phone on the bed and gulped down the rest of his second beer.
Maybe Tre and Wayne had just been talking shit to get under his skin. Or maybe something happened at the party with Nikki. Either way, he needed to know.
Mark had started messing around with different strains of marijuana. And now Blaze felt like the stronger blends were what he needed just to feel normal. He’d wanted to tell someone, but no one would understand. They’d just do the same thing they’d done to every other kid – call them a pothead, or a stoner and label them a loser. Blaze knew that about himself already and didn’t need someone else to tell him.
At first, he’d started smoking because it was fun and something to do. But now he needed it just to get through a school day. Now even it didn’t seem like enough.
Everywhere he went people stared and they didn’t say it, but he knew they were judging him. This was his medicine - the only way for him not to care, not to feel, about anyone or anything. It’d be so much easier for everyone if he was just gone.
The doorbell rang and he checked the camera on his phone. It was Mark.
He pushed the talk button on the app. “It’s unlocked bro.”
Mark opened the door, stopped by the fridge to grab a beer and bolted upstairs.
“Hey Bruce,” Mark said.
“Bruce?” Blaze laughed.
“Yeah you know – Bruce Lee – the fighter.”
Blaze cut his eyes over to the Bruce Lee poster on the wall. “Yeah asshole, I know who he is,” he smiled.
“Ah yeah you do. Been watching his videos or something?”
“No dick, I haven’t. Just tired of taking everyone’s shit, man. My dad, my mom, Tre and Wayne, Mr. Hunter – you,” he said and half smiled. “Everyone wants somethingfrom me and honestly bro, I’m just tired.”
Mark set his beer down. He knew especially after his parent’s divorce, that Blaze had been moodier and he thought it was okay and expected. But this sounded different.
Mark put a hand on Blaze’s shoulder. “I’m here for you, man. Anytime you need to talk or if you want to beat someone up, we can do that too.”
“I know you are. It’s just everyone has something they want from me. And Kevin? I should be helpinghim deal with this shit, but I’ve failed him too. I hate him.”
Mark frowned. “Why do you hate your little brother? I thought you guys had a good relationship.”
“We did. Before he suddenly became Mr. Perfect who can do no wrong and I became the opposite.”
“I think you’re being a little hard on yourself, bro. You got me, your parents love you
– they may suck at showing it but they do. Kevin loves you too, not to mention Nikki.”
“Nikki?” Blaze shrugged.
“What? That girl loves you man. You’re trippin’ you know that?”
“I may have screwed that up too.”
“What are you talking about? You and Nik are fine. Don’t blow something up that doesn’t need it.”
“Yeah I think I have screwed it up. I’ve been a dick lately. I mean I don’t have any proof, but I think she’s been talking to Tre on the side or something.”
Mark hit Blaze on the side of the head.
“That’s stupid. How many of those have you had? You know better than that. Don’t talk yourself into believing something so stupid, Blaze. Jesus Christ.”
Blaze shrugged but said nothing. Mark didn’t know just how big of an ass Blaze had been.
“Listen. I gotta go run some errands for my mom. I’ll be back later. In the meantime, don’t do nothing stupid – okay?”
Blaze nodded. “I got you.”
They both stood up and hugged.
“And when I come back, we’re getting high as hell. No more of this pity party shit.” Blaze gave him a thumbs up.
Mark took off down the staircase and hustled to his car.
As he backed out of the driveway, Nikki was pulling in.
They both rolled their windows down.
“How is he?” She asked.
“He’s had better days. Take care of my bro, okay?”
She nodded, but knew deep down that what happened between her and Tre was going to come out. How could she have been so stupid? She parked and took a deep breath. He loves you and love is stronger than anything. Everything is going to be fine, she thought.
The door was unlocked so she tip-t
oed upstairs.
“Hey,” she said trying not to sound nervous.
Blaze looked up. “Hey,” he said trying not to look nervous about what he needed to ask.
He stood up and gave each other a weaker than usual kiss. And each felt something different.
“Look Blaze, I know you’ve been dealing with a lot with your parents and all.”
“Shh,” he said. “I know. And I know I haven’t been the easiest to deal with. I’m sorry.”
He’d decided that he didn’t want to be hurt again. He didn’t want to be let down again. He honestly didn’t know how much more disappointment he could take. So, he wasn’t going to ask about Tre or the party. Not today. Not right now. Maybe never.
“You’ve been trying to manage a lot. And the last thing you need is me adding to it.”
Blaze pursed his lips confused.
Nikki knew that if she didn’t tell him, sooner or later Tre or Wayne would. And she didn’t want it to come from them or anyone else.
“Let me decide what or who is adding to what I’m dealing with, Nikki.”
“Just listen Blaze. The other night at the party-”
Blaze backed away and shook his head in disbelief. “No. Stop. I don’t-”
“I kissed Tre. It didn’t mean anything and I know it was wrong. I was drunk-”
“I said no!” Blaze yelled. He threw his phone across the room and it smashed into a picture on the wall.
Nikki jumped. “Blaze, you’re scaring me. Please don’t yell,” she whimpered.
His eyes burned through her.
“I’m sorry, Blaze. I never meant to hurt you.” Tears begin to fill her eyes.
“You’re pathetic. I can’t believe you. You know what I’ve been dealing with and how my parent’s divorce has been affecting me. But all you care about is hanging out and partying, right? Going to the football games. Partying with the damn football team.”
Blaze noticed the promise ring he had given her. He stormed over to her and she took a step back. He grabbed her hand and ripped the ring off.
She tried to stop him. “No Blaze, please. I’m sorry.”
After he’d gotten it off, he threw it across the room too. “I would never have betrayed you
– ever. I loved you.”
Both were crying now.
“Blaze, please. I love you too.”
He took a step towards her and raised both of his hands to her face, gently pulling her head down and giving her a kiss on the forehead. “Goodbye, Nikki. Please leave.”
“No. I’m not leaving, Blaze. We can work through this. It was stupid. I love you.”
“Leave now, please. You asked me not to yell – the next time I will.”
“I told you, I’m not leaving. You’re going to have to kick me out.”
Blaze grabbed his keys and took the stairs two at a time.
“Blaze!” Nikki yelled.
But it was no use. A few seconds later she heard his car start up and then his tires screech loudly in the driveway. And just like that, he was gone.
She walked over and fished his cell phone out of the glass. Then she walked downstairs to find a dustpan and broom. She spent the next thirty minutes cleaning up the broken glass.
The front door opened. “Hello, is anyone here?” Steph yelled.
“I am!” Nikki yelled.
Steph set her things down and went upstairs.
She gasped when she stepped in Blaze’s room. “Oh my God, Nikki what happened?”
Nikki spent the next thirty minutes filling Steph in and she told her everything. Even the part about her kissing Tre.
“So, did Blaze tell you where he was going? Or when he’d be back?”
She shook her head. “Afraid not.”
“Well, you should go. I’ll take over from here.”
Nikki didn’t want to leave, not like this. But she also knew it was probably the best thing to do. “Can you call me? Or text when he comes back? You know, just so I know that he’s okay?”
Steph nodded. “We all make mistakes. Blaze loves you but he’s been going through a lot lately. I don’t know how long it’s going to take him to come around.”
They hugged and then Nikki left.
Chapter 17
Blaze looked around the room and tried to make sense of the pictures on the walls. The last time he’d seen Dr. Smyrl they’d met in a different room. This one was smaller, more personable.
He could hear footsteps outside the door. It opened and Dr. Smyrl appeared. Today she wore glasses and had her long blonde hair wrapped up in a bun.
“You look nice today,” Blaze said sheepishly.
She let out a small nervous laugh. “Thank you Blaze. So, your mother made this appointment because basically as she put it is, she thought you were losing control. I hear you may have broken up with your girlfriend earlier today?”
Blaze laughed. “No. I didn’t just break up with her because I’m in some crazed state of madness or some shit.”
“Please don’t swear, Blaze. Okay, so while we’re on the subject, why did you break up with her?” She could see that he’d been smoking – probably drinking too.
“You don’t have, I don’t know like, some warm-up questions or anything? Just dive right in, huh?”
“Well we only have an hour and your mom seemed very worried.”
“Now she’s worried. If you must know, I broke up with Nikki because she went to some stupid party, got drunk and made out with an asshole from the football team.”
She sighed. “That wasn’t the right thing for her to do. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“Yeah, me too. We’d been dating almost two years. Two years and you go and do some shit like that to a person.”
“Language, Blaze. It wasn’t very thoughtful of her. What about him? You called him an a-hole?”
“Well he is.”
“Why’s that? Outside of kissing Nikki, I mean. I presume he knew you two were dating.”
Blaze shook his head. “Of course he knew. The whole town knew. He and his stupid football punks like to tease and make fun of me because I play in a band. Or because I wear a lot of black clothes. Or maybe because I’m actually smart. Shit any reason to give me a hard time.”
“So, do you think that maybe he used Nikki as another way to upset you?”
Blaze thought about what she said for a moment. “I don’t know. Does it matter? She willingly did it.”
“I didn’t say that it mattered. I just asked if you thought it was possible. You are correct – Nikki still made a bad choice and compromised your relationship.”
“So how does coming here help me? How is this supposed to fix me?”
“We’ll get there – one step at a time. So how long has this little rift been going on with you and-?”
“Tre. His name is Tre. And I don’t know, a few week’s maybe. Maybe a little longer,” Blaze lied. The bullying from Tre had been increasing nearly the entire school year.
“Is this the same kid you got into a fight with at school a few days ago?”
Blaze nodded.
“And now this thing with Nikki – so I guess you feel like he’s gotten over on you some kind of way?”
He punched his fists together “It’s not over. He’s going to pay.”
“You can’t go around fighting someone every time they hurt you, Blaze. There are better ways to deal with people.”
Blaze looked at the doctor’s ring finger. “I don’t see a ring?”
She looked down at her hand. “No ring. I’m not married.”
“Boyfriend?”
“Let’s not get into my personal life. That’s not why you’re here.”
“Maybe it is. Maybe we were supposed to meet each other.”
Dr. Smryl blushed. “Listen Blaze, I’m flattered but being that kind of friend to a client is never an option. You’re hurting right now and trying to deal with and process a lot of emotions. Maybe we should end the session here for today.”
“So even my doctor wants to run me off,” Blaze said standing up.
“No, I didn’t say that. But I need you to stay focused.”
Blaze looked her up and down.
“Focused on you and getting you better,” she said.
“And then? You know, after I’m better?”
She smiled. “Blaze, this isn’t going to be an overnight thing. You getting better could take a long time.”
“But I’m going to get better?”
“Well, yes. I mean that’s the idea here.”
She hadn’t completely shut him down he thought. Maybe the kindest rejection of all time.
“Besides your parents do you have anyone else that you can talk to?”
“Mark. I can always talk to him. He knows me better than anyone else.”
“Is he a classmate?”
He nodded. “A friend and he plays in my band. I have a sample of one of our newest songs. Would you like to hear it?”
She looked up at the clock on the wall to see how much time they had remaining.
“Sure.”
“It’ll only take a second. This one is called Tear Me Down.”
He scrolled through the videos on his phone and hit play when he found the recording.
He held the phone in his hand while the song played.
After the first verse and chorus played, he stopped the video.
Dr. Smyrl made notes as the song played. The lyrics were dark and haunting. “You guys sound very good. I’m impressed with just how good you sound. Typically, high school garage bands aren’t very good at all. Who is that singing?”
“Well, yours truly of course.”
She smiled. “You sing very well, Blaze. Why don’t you concentrate and focus your energy on your band and your music?”
“You really think it’s good?”
“I do. And I promise I’m not just saying that to be nice. You guys are talented.”
“My dad never thought so. He said we were wasting our time.”
“What your dad thinks is important but remember, he’s only one person. Who wrote the lyrics to that song?”
“I did. The lead singer always writes the lyrics.”
She was afraid that was the case. “If I’m completely honest and we are almost out of time here, I’m a wee bit concerned about some of the lyrics.”