Phillip was pretty sure he’d learned his lesson after the first week he’d been a frog, but that hadn’t mattered.
He’d kissed everyone in Ever After, trying to break the curse.
Every single creature with lips.
Even his best friend. The one they called the Beast.
He, too, had been a prince once upon a time. His castle had long since been lost to the mist and the Beast, or Hunter, as Phillip liked to call him, since that was his name, lived in the dungeons of Castle Charming.
The sun began to fall below the horizon, and he was grateful when the green mist enveloped him and the world around him grew much smaller, and dryer.
He stretched his limbs as he stepped from the fountain, naked, and . . . and . . . his mouth tasted like he’d licked a caterpillar. He stuck his tongue out and ran it along his teeth and realized with dawning horror that he still had dragonfly wings in his teeth.
“Don’t yark!” Hunter’s voice called from behind some rustling underbrush. “You know it’s worse if you have to taste it again.”
Phillip was sure he wasn’t going to have a choice. A skein of mead was thrust into his hands, and he drank it gratefully, washing away the bits of wing and whatever else might’ve been left over from his day’s adventure.
“Thanks.” He licked his lips and was immediately sorry. He took another long pull of the sweet, crisp honey mead.
Hunter tossed him his clothes. “Hurry up. Pub trivia starts in twenty minutes.”
“I know, I know. I can’t get this out of my mouth. It’s awful.”
“It’s like you haven’t done this before.” Hunter tossed him his bag, which had a toothbrush and toothpaste.
“Honestly, I forgot it was trivia night.” Phillip shrugged.
“I know.” Hunter nodded to his rumpled clothes.
“Whatever. They let you in. And you don’t wear pants.”
Hunter bared his teeth. “Listen, pal. I’d wear pants if I could get them on over my haunches, but I can’t. So loincloth it is.”
“It’s not like you could button them with those claws anyway.” Phillip couldn’t resist the tiny poke at his pantsless friend.
“It ain’t about the button, brother.” Hunter winked at him.
“So, serious question.”
“No.”
“Oh, come on.”
“No. I know what you’re going to ask, and I’m not discussing it with you.”
“Surely you must’ve wondered.”
“Just like half the women in Ever After,” Beast growled.
“Come on. Tell me. Do you know?”
“I’ve already passed the part of my curse where it’s permanent. This is just me. Forever. So, no, I don’t wonder if the curse was broken if my beast will go back to human size, too.”
Phillip cackled. “Man, sucks to be you. No chance of being a prince again and no castle with a big library. The hits just keep coming.”
Hunter narrowed his eyes, and Phillip had to keep from cackling harder. He looked like a very concerned bear/werewolf hybrid with Groucho Marx eyebrows pasted on his forehead.
“Laugh it up, Phillip. But aren’t you concerned that when your spell is broken your manhood might be reduced to frog-hood? Works both ways.”
Phillip’s smile froze in place. He hadn’t actually thought of that.
“Petty would be that . . . well, petty!” Phillip cried.
“Wouldn’t she just?” Hunter teased.
Phillip finished dressing. “Do I smell like pond water?”
Hunter sniffed the air. “No, but there’s some cologne in your bag.”
Phillip rummaged around in the bag some more and pulled out several bottles. “What is this?” He held one up. “Piranha Pride?” He removed the cap and sniffed. “This smells like a turtle tank.”
He found another bottle. Premium Panther. What in the ever-loving hell? He sniffed it. It actually wasn’t awful. He sprayed a bit on himself.
“Better?”
“Yeah, that one’s okay.” Hunter wiggled his massive snout. “Oh, shit. That’s me.” He laughed and took the Premium Panther from Phillip and sprayed under his arms and a little on his chest.
Phillip brushed his teeth and put the grooming products back in the bag. “This is all actually crap, you know.”
Hunter looked up at him. “What is?”
Phillip gestured to their surroundings. “This.”
“Ever After?”
“No, our curses. This is complete trash.”
“You’ll not get any argument from me there.”
“Aren’t you mad?” Phillip demanded.
“About what? I crossed a witch. It’s just how the story goes.”
“No. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Let’s not be hasty. I know what I did was wrong.”
“Fine, putting one old lady out in the snow was pretty shitty. But does it deserve three hundred years of this? No. Even if you spent her life span as a beast as recompense, that would be fair. But this?”
Hunter shrugged impossibly large, furry shoulders. “No one loved me. I stayed a beast and learned to love myself. It’s not the worst thing that could’ve happened to me. I could’ve lived my life as I was. A spoiled prince who never learned how to care for others. I don’t really mind it. I like me. But I understand why you don’t like you.”
“Hold on, I never said I didn’t like myself.”
“You’re a frog. You don’t want to be a frog. Ergo, you don’t like yourself. You can’t say you don’t like a part of yourself and say you do like yourself.”
“Can’t I?”
“I mean, you’re a prince, I guess you can do anything you want.” Hunter smirked.
“Except not be green.”
“Have you tried apologizing to Petty?”
“I have apologized until my green face turned blue.”
“Did you mean it?” Hunter asked.
“I . . .” He’d been about to answer with of course he’d meant it, but Phillip stopped to consider. “I don’t think I did, at first. I was just angry.”
“As one would be, being turned into a frog. It happens. I’m sure she understood that.”
“She did, and she did have every right to be angry. When she was younger, Petunia Blossom was smoking hot. So was Bluebonnet.”
“Sometimes, I do wonder why they like to toddle about like old grannies when they could choose to look any way they please,” Hunter mused.
“Oh, I know the answer to that. Women of a certain age go unnoticed. They’re constantly and completely underestimated. It helps them get away with so much more.”
“Is Petty still mad at you?”
“She says she’s not. She’s even tried to get most everyone in town to kiss me. They’re doing that spring carnival thing, and Petty has promised me a kissing booth so all the tourists will come kiss me and maybe break my curse.”
“Or give you mono. But I imagine if she’s trying to help you break the curse, then she’s not mad at you anymore.”
“I think I’m ready for trivia. That is not of a personal nature.”
Hunter laughed, and his roar startled the birds from the nearby trees so that they took flight, screeching their displeasure. “I actually might have an idea.”
“Oh, really?”
“You’ve tried everything with the godmothers. Kissed literally everyone. What about Ravenna Blackheart?”
“I kissed her, too.”
Hunter growled. “No, I know that. But have you asked her if her magic might bring you a cure?”
“Did you just growl when I mentioned kissing Ravenna?” He elbowed his friend knowingly.
“No.” His thick eyebrows raised to the top of his head. But then he growled again.
“You did.”
“Shut. Up. We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you. Ravenna. Dark magic.”
“There’s always a price for dark magic. I don’t know that I’d be willing to pay i
t and Ravenna’s price. You know she’ll have one.”
“She would, but isn’t almost anything worth being rid of fly wings in your teeth every night?”
“They were dragonfly wings,” he corrected.
“Or worth knowing your chef isn’t going to cook you for dinner?”
“Hey, I’ve forbidden frog legs in the castle!”
“You know good and well that you can forbid all you like, but . . .”
“No one would do that! They all know I’m a frog!” He’d been so sure, but now that he thought about it, what if Hunter was right?
“And what if you have a disgruntled employee who gets a taste for the green?”
Phillip was horrified. He’d never thought of that. “That’s actually diabolical.”
“I know. It’s why I thought of it, of course.” Hunter shrugged
“Maybe you would be a good fit with Ravenna after all.”
“I shouldn’t think so, but I think she’s especially beautiful when she’s plotting something evil. The worse she is, the better I like her. I’m a sick, sick beast.” Hunter shook his head.
Phillip decided to cut his friend a little slack. “She is gorgeous. There’s no denying that. Terrifying, but gorgeous.”
“I like that she’s terrifying.”
“Probably because that means she wouldn’t be afraid of you.”
Hunter shrugged again. “I’ve dated. I mean, most of the people here know I’m just a prince who was a dick. I’m not like a werewolf or anything.”
With a puff of pink fairy dust, Petunia Blossom appeared with fluttering pink wings and her wand at the ready.
“Did you say something disparaging about Grammy? If you did, I’m gonna have to take matters into my own hands,” Petty swore.
“I . . . sorry,” Hunter said. “I forgot about Grammy’s little affliction.”
“Indeed.” Petty popped him on the snout with her wand, and a bit of fairy dust went up his nose, causing him to sneeze with all the force of a tornado and send him sprawling back into the underbrush.
He wiggled his snout. “What the hell?”
“Sorry. My dust gets a little antsy when I’m riled. You okay?” Petty asked him.
Hunter scrambled to his feet. “I suppose. I can’t very well snarl at a fairy godmother, can I?”
“I mean, you can. But I wouldn’t recommend it.” She grinned. But then she zapped them a box full of chocolate chip cookies. “Here, darlings.”
Phillip looked at Petty floating there, her round little pink-cheeked goodness just flitting through the air, and was overcome with the urge to really apologize for what he’d done.
He’d said he was sorry in a million different ways, but he’d never just apologized without any expectation of something in return. While he desperately wanted to end this curse, he realized he didn’t know if Petty had actually forgiven him.
He wanted that.
He wanted to know that Bluebonnet had also forgiven him.
“Petty,” he began.
“Don’t worry! I know there are a lot of new wedding bookings coming in, and that’s so great for our magical stores, but I haven’t forgotten about the carnival or the frog-kissing booth. I promise.”
“That’s not what I was going to ask you about,” Phillip said.
“Oh?” Her wings fluttered, and she landed, both feet on the ground. She wiggled her nose and pushed up her spectacles. “What is it?”
“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“For what, dear?” She cocked her head to the side.
It was so hard to reconcile this version of her with the woman he’d been infatuated with. Except, he could still see glimpses of her in the sparkle in her eyes.
“For what happened.”
Hunter motioned for him to go on.
“For being a side-winding piece of shit and kissing you and Bluebonnet both. It was wrong.”
“You’ve already apologized. I’ve forgiven you long ago.” Petty waved her wand, as if to say that was all old business and had been forgotten.
“Yes, but all those other times I apologized, I was sorry. But only because I was being punished. I thought apologizing would get me something. I haven’t apologized just because I mean it. I’m sorry, Petunia. To you and to Bluebonnet.”
Petty’s cheeks grew even pinker. She reached out a hand to cup his cheek. “Oh, Phillip. Me too. You have to know that if I could undo this curse, I would. In a second. It was so wrong of me. I used my powers against you for personal gain, and that’s not what they’re for. Can you forgive me?”
Phillip wanted to say he didn’t forgive her. That she was right, what she’d done was wrong, too. Especially to leave him like this for three hundred years. But one look at her, and knowing how much it cost her to say it, he did forgive her.
“I do.” He took her hand.
“Well, isn’t this just lovely. Okay, can we please get to the pub? Or to Ravenna’s. Either is fine, but let’s get moving,” Hunter grumbled.
“You should know, I’ve petitioned Fairy Godmother Academy for help to break the curse. I should’ve done it long ago. But I’m hoping they can . . .” She shook her head. “Wait, what? Ravenna? Why would you two be going to Ravenna’s?” Petty cast a shrewd, assessing glance at Phillip.
He felt like his governess had just caught him with both hands in the cookie jar.
“Uh, Hunter has a crush.”
Petty didn’t take her eyes off him for a second.
“That very well may be, but let me tell you both, Ravenna is not for you. Either one of you.”
“Stop meddling with us, Pets. Go see to your charges. You know, the ones for whom you are supposed to meddle,” Phillip said.
“Promise me you won’t go to Ravenna with this,” she demanded. “Dark magic and love are never a good mix. They’re anathema.”
Hunter coughed.
Phillip shuffled his feet.
“Guys, I’m serious. This will end badly for everyone involved. Do not fuck with fate.”
Hunter made a rumbling sound that might’ve been a cough. “Listen, if something is fate, you can’t get away from it no matter what you do. So how is it fucking with fate if we see Ravenna?”
Petty sighed the longest, most harried sigh Phillip had ever heard issue forth from another living being. “Listen, Berries for Brains, if fate has to move things around to put you where she wants you, you will definitely not enjoy the ride.”
Hunter snorted. “I’d say it’s already about as bad as it can get.”
Petty rolled her eyes skyward. “Deliver me from dumbasses.” Then she turned her eyes on Phillip. “Promise me that you won’t go to Ravenna for a cure.”
Phillip didn’t want to promise, but he also didn’t want to make Petty angry. He’d already been on the losing side of that once before.
He crossed his fingers behind his back. “I promise.”
“Good.” She pulled out her wand. “I have to get going. I’m in the middle of hiring an assistant, booking another wedding, and finishing up the last touches for the Taylor wedding tomorrow.”
“The Taylor wedding is fine, Petty. It’s all fine. My staff have everything under control. Even the champagne fountain and the cheeseball sculpture.”
“Cheeseball sculpture? I didn’t agree to this. That wasn’t in the plan.” Petty looked panicked.
“It’s the groom’s idea. He wanted to surprise the bride with a cheeseball sculpture in her likeness.”
“Oh dear Lord,” Petty gasped.
“Don’t worry. It’s fine. My chef handled it. It couldn’t look any better if a Renaissance master carved it out of marble,” Phillip reassured her.
“I really must go. I’ll see you soon. Remember your promise.” Petty disappeared.
Phillip locked gazes with Hunter.
“So are you keeping your promise?” Hunter said casually.
“Hell no. I had my fingers crossed. She hasn’t been able to fix this and neither has any standar
d cure. There’s no reason not to give Ravenna a bite at the apple.”
“Phrasing, my dude. Remember where we are,” Hunter said.
“Oh, right. Yeah.” Phillip grinned.
“Not one word to Ravenna about my . . .” Hunter seemed to struggle for the right words.
“Feelings?”
Hunter growled.
“I got your back.”
“Can we go to trivia now? I preordered my burger, and the bun’s probably soggy and the crisp lettuce leaf is probably wilted.”
“Saints preserve us from soggy buns, my friend.” He clapped Hunter on the back, and headed toward the town square with a strange, almost sour hope in his heart.
Chapter 3
Zuri Davis fell in love with Ever After as soon as her driver passed the city limits.
It was even better in person than it had been on the website.
The downtown area was the most wonderful and ridiculous thing she’d ever laid eyes on. The coffee shop was shaped like a French press, and it looked like there were places to sit on the roof and enjoy the view under the umbrella of what would’ve been the plunger on a real French press. The dress shop was what really got her. Cinderella and Fella. It was an A-line building but painted to look like a ball gown.
Fat, happy flowers with orange, yellow, and lavender blooms framed the town square and the pink stone walkways.
An evergreen forest rose up against the backdrop of the tiny town, and just like in the pictures, two castles loomed like mountains over it all.
No, the website didn’t do it justice.
The car rolled to a stop, and her driver pointed across the square. “There’s what you’re looking for. Fairy Godmothers, Inc.”
Zuri looked to where he pointed and saw a short, squat building where the facade had been crafted to look like two wings and the letter i in the sign was shaped like a magic wand. A thrill shot through her at the prospect of working there.
She was sure the people who lived in Ever After were probably inured to the kitsch that was somehow more magical than gimmicky, but Zuri was entranced.
If she couldn’t plan beautiful weddings here, well, there was just no hope for her.
“If you don’t mind, most of the residents walk in the square. The pink stone is delicate, you see,” the driver said.
Men Are Frogs Page 3