by M. Robinson
They said it would help me get into character, and it did. Something in my tummy exploded, and I had to sing with all my heart just like Annie. I could tell everyone was super impressed because Keith gave me the thumbs-up, and that always meant I was doing a great job. He was proud of me. I loved Keith, he was my best friend.
My only friend.
He loved me too. He always told me he did. Saying I was like the daughter he never had. And because my daddy wasn’t around a lot, always working like me, Keith felt like he was kind of like my daddy too. It was why I was so happy today, because I had both of my daddies there. Oh, and my mommy.
I love them all so much.
I was just so excited we were all together. Since it was usually just me and Keith and sometimes Mommy. But it didn’t bother me as long as I wasn’t alone, even though I missed them. I loved to work. It made me happy too. Really happy. I got to travel to places most six-year-olds wouldn’t be able to go, meeting all sorts of new people at auditions. Get my hair and makeup done like I was some sort of princess. Wearing fancy dresses and costumes with so many sparkles. Living the best life.
All I ever wanted to do was sing and act. Mommy said it’s what I was born to do. My God-given talent was to entertain others. It was my special gift, and I was meant to be a shining star.
Just like Annie.
Daddy gave me another kiss on the forehead and told me he loved me, and closed the door. He rounded the corner of the car and tried to give Mommy a kiss on her lips, but she pulled her face away. Mommy looked like she was sad. Why was Mommy so sad? Mommy was never sad. Maybe because I gave Keith a hug after my audition before I gave her a hug. Maybe I should give her a hug right now to make up for it. But Mommy loved Keith, so that couldn’t be right.
I watched as she got into the driver’s seat, and Daddy got into the one beside her.
“Mommy, what’s wrong? Did I do something bad?”
She turned around and looked at me with so much sadness in her eyes, it made my belly hurt.
A lot.
“No, baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re such a good girl. You’re Mommy’s angel. I’m so proud of you, Skyler Bell. So proud.”
I smiled, feeling a little bit better.
She blew me a kiss. “I love you, baby, so, so, so much.”
“I love you, Mommy, so, so, so much.”
She lovingly smiled and turned back around, putting her seatbelt on, but Daddy didn’t. He never wore his unless Mommy told him he had to. She didn’t tell him this time, instead she just started driving.
Maybe I should tell him?
“Emma, talk to me. What’s going on?” he asked her, and I pretended like I wasn’t listening.
“I can’t do this anymore, Daniel. I just can’t keep doing this. I can’t believe I let this happen. How did I let this happen? How did I do this to our family?” Mommy’s hands were gripping onto the steering wheel so tight, her knuckles were turning white.
“Do what? What are you talking about?”
“You’re never around. You’re never home. I’m raising Skyler on my own. I’ve raised her on my own. Oh God, I just can’t…”
“Emma, you’re not making any sense. Calm down, you’re swerving all over the place. Pull over and let me drive.”
The car shifted right and left in the lane, and a car horn sounded. I looked out the back window to see a very angry driver waving his fist at us, mouthing some words I couldn’t make out.
“Skyler baby, can you do something for Mommy.”
I nodded, smiling. Turning my attention away from the mean man, looking at her through the rearview mirror.
“Can you grab your cassette player from my bag and listen to Annie. The tape Keith gave you today so you could practice.”
I nodded again, happy I got to listen to Annie so soon. Even though I didn’t have to listen to her to know the words, her singing voice was already in my head. Locked in my memory.
Taking off my seatbelt, I slid down my booster and grabbed her bag from the floor. “Got it, Mommy,” I said, sitting on the floor to look around for my cassette player.
“Emma, please just talk to me.”
“I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know what to think. I’m so confused, Daniel. I just can’t believe I let this happen to us.”
I tried to ignore the pain in Mommy’s voice, but it made my stomach hurt again. Maybe she didn’t like my audition? Maybe I didn’t make her proud? Maybe I needed to try harder, work harder, so I could be a shining star like she wanted?
“Skyler, please sit back down and put your seatbelt on,” she ordered, making me feel like she was mad at me now.
I nodded again, finally finding my cassette player and tape in Mommy’s Mary Poppins bag. The thought usually made me smile and laugh, but I couldn’t because my tummy hurt so bad.
“Emma, you’re scaring me. I love you. You know I love you. I work my ass off for you and Skyler. You think this life you’re adamant Skyler is made to have is cheap? You think it pays for itself? Jesus, between the auditions, flying her back and forth to L.A. every other week, and everything else in between is what? Who do you think pays for all that? I can’t keep up with all these bills for a vocal coach and acting classes, and a new outfit for every different audition. Not to mention, Keith. Skyler’s jobs don’t bring in that sort of money.”
I was right.
This was all my fault.
I didn’t work hard enough. I needed to work harder. Now they were both disappointed in me…
Bringing the headphones up to my ears, I pressed play on my cassette player. Wanting to hear Annie, hoping she would make me happy again. I would practice for as long as it took to get it right. To make them proud. To make them not be mad at me.
Her voice came alive in my ears, and the same fluttering feeling returned in my tummy. Replacing the pain and the sadness.
As Annie sang, “The sun’ll come out tomorrow, bet all those dollars that tomorrow. There'll be sun shining bright and happiness. Just thinkin’ about tomorrow.”
“I don’t know what to say. I just don’t know what to say. I feel like I can’t breathe, Daniel. I just feel like I can’t breathe.” Mommy sounded like she was crying.
Now I made her cry, I hated when Mommy cried.
Annie’s voice vibrated deep in my bones as she continued singing, “Just thinkin’ about tomorrow. Clears away the sadness, the rain, and the emptiness. ‘Till it’s not there,”
But Mommy’s voice vibrated deep in my bones too, when she said, “Oh my God, I did this. I’m the reason you’re not around. It’s all my fault. I ruined our family.”
The car shifted to the right and left again, and was going faster now. Throwing me around. I looked out the window seeing the trees blur by. Closing my eyes for a second to feel the warm sun on my face, hoping my thoughts would go away. My brain battling the song playing in my ears.
“Emma, enough! Pull over. You can’t drive. We’re going to wreck. Pull over, now!”
“I can’t breathe, Daniel… I just can’t breathe.”
It was my fault. This was all my fault. I ruined my family, not Mommy. I was the reason Daddy worked so much. I was the reason Mommy was sad. I needed to get better jobs and make more money. I had to work harder.
To be a shining star.
With Annie, I belted out, “So just hang on ‘til tomorrow and work through the pain!” Feeling better. Annie made me feel better. She was my happy place. She would forever be my happy place.
“Fuck! Emma, watch out!”
“Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya all of the days and nights of tomorrow!” I sang with all my heart, feeling like we were flying through the air. “You’re almost there! And only a… day… a…. way!”
“Sky!”
I jolted out of my skin, snapping back to the present. Instantly turning, I placed my hand over my heart. “Jesus, Keith, you scared the shit out of me!”
“I scared you? You should see your face. You l
ook as pale as a ghost. Are you alright?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed hard. “I’m fine.”
“What the hell were you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“Skyler,” he coaxed in that fatherly tone.
Though, it didn’t matter. I could still hear the desperation in my mom’s voice in my mind.
The urgency and fear in my dad’s.
The river.
The freezing cold river.
It was as if I’d never left that place and time, where my whole world was ripped away from me in a matter of minutes. I couldn’t breathe. Just like her… I felt like I couldn’t breathe, because I had never been able to fully breathe again after that day.
I smiled, despite the cold chills coursing through my body. Despite the fact that it felt like I was constantly drowning inside. And up until I met Noah, swimming in that river felt like it was my only salvation. It was the only time I could breathe…
Steady and deep.
In and out.
Rise and fall.
The place that ended one chapter of my life, also started a new one with Noah.
The irony was not lost on me.
Oh, God, Noah.
Memories of our time together came flooding back, playing like a movie reel in my mind. Seeing every smile, every laugh, every sentiment. Feeling every stolen touch, every kiss, every last emotion he pulled out of me. The warmth his arms always provided, the sensation of freedom in his embrace, in his eyes, in each memory he ever shared with me. Hoping, praying, I’d do the same. I wanted to, more than anything.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
Not even for him.
When was the last time I felt any of this?
Would I ever feel it again?
I hadn’t seen, spoken, or stopped thinking about Noah since our last encounter in my trailer three weeks ago. Knowing in my heart, in my soul, in every last fiber of my being that it was the end of us, and he did too. I could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice, feel it in his heart, nearly killing me in the process all over again. I never meant to hurt him, he was never supposed to fall in love with me. I was never supposed to fall in love with him. But there was no going back, I did what I had to do. I saved him from the demons on my back, he already had too many of his own.
And now, I would forever be one of them.
Life was all about choices, and I chose mine a long time ago.
To be a shining star…
For everyone, especially my mom.
“It’s nothing, I promise,” I lied, not wanting to worry him.
I knew how to play this part, this role, this girl—she was a character I’d perfected over the years. One that survived and lived to tell the tale.
“Why are you out here by yourself?”
“Honestly,” I shrugged, “I don’t really know. I guess I just needed some fresh air. You know all of this is so new to me, and there’s so many people in there. I just… it’s a little overwhelming.”
There I was, standing on the balcony at the home of one of the most powerful men in all of Hollywood. Surrounded by hundreds of people who were just as influential and yet, I’d never felt more alone. Even though my mom had been gone for over a decade, and my father may have physically stayed behind with me, he still died that day, right along with her.
Keith was all I had for years.
Until Noah came along, Keith was the one who had always taken care of me, looked out for me, did everything in my best interest. In my parents’ absence, Keith just took over. He was there for me when no one else was. To hold me when I’d wake up from nightmares from that day. To tell me he loved me and wipe away my tears. To lie to me and reassure me everything was going to be okay.
That I was going to be okay.
Keith was my family, and I owed him more than I’d ever be able to repay.
“You’ve always been kind of a loner, Sky.” He leaned against the railing, and I followed suit.
Staring back out at the Atlantic Ocean, looking over the city of Miami. “I have, haven’t I?”
“You certainly have.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“You’re an artist, Skyler Bell. You were always meant to do more with your life.”
I nodded, watching the waves roll onto the shore, breathing in the salty air.
“When that guy barged into your trailer, it’s what surprised me the most. I was more caught off guard that you might actually have a friend,” he chuckled, glancing over at me.
“Keith…”
“I know.” He put his hands up in the air in a surrendering gesture. “I was out of line that day. I’ve already apologized to you.”
“You have, and I apologized as well. I was out of line too.”
“You know you’ve always been like a daughter to me, and any father would want nothing but the best for you.” He brushed the hair away from my face, pulling it behind my ear. “Right now, living in L.A. is what’s best.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“And I don’t regret for one fucking second the way I handled that guy, he looks like trouble, Skyler. Go ahead and tell me I’m wrong.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m moving to L.A., remember? You’re right. You’re always right. My career is the only thing that matters. It’s what I was born to do.”
“Your mom always wanted it that way, Sky.” He smiled, “A shining star for all the world to see and love, remember?”
“Yeah. That’s right.”
“You don’t need any distractions right now. Especially one that looks like he’d only ruin your life and everything you’ve worked so hard for. You don’t want to let anyone down, or feel like your mom did with your dad, do you? All they sacrificed for you.”
“I know.”
“It’s better this way. She would be so proud of how far you’ve come.”
“You think so?” I wiped a single tear that escaped my eye with the back of my hand.
“I know so. You’re still so young, and you have this amazing career ahead of you, Skyler. You keep listening to me, and we’re going to make you the biggest name in the whole world. Everyone is going to know who you are. Exactly how your mom always knew it would be. We do it for her.”
I smiled, nodding.
“Here.” He handed me his glass of champagne. “It’ll calm your nerves. You need to go back inside and mingle. There’s a lot of important people in there—directors, producers, major executives. The real deal. You need to be your charming self.”
“Okay,” I simply stated, drinking down his champagne in one big gulp.
“Feel better?”
“Depends. Is there more of this?” I asked, handing his glass back to him.
“Skyler, you’re a big girl. Go get a drink from the bartender. They won’t card you.”
He was right, they wouldn’t. Most of the child actors and actresses in L.A. started drinking by the time they could see over the bar. I was never into that scene, not that it hadn’t been there for the taking.
I needed to take the edge off and stop thinking about the things I couldn’t change. I just had to keep working, keep busy, keep moving in the right direction of my career.
Keith always had a way of making me feel better, even when I felt at my worst. I nodded again, walking over to the double glass doors.
“Oh and, Sky.”
“Yeah,” I replied, turning to face him.
“I’m really proud of you too. I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter.”
I chuckled, “Now you’re just being really corny.”
“There she is…” He grinned, making me laugh harder. “There’s my Skyler Bell. Now, go inside and be that shining star we both know you are.”
“Good talk.” I winked at him and then beelined it straight to the bar.
After drinking two more flutes of champagne, I started feeling more at ease, more like myself. It clouded all the memories and all the pain. Not allowin
g my heart to control my mind as I made my way around the room, talking, laughing, putting on the best performance of the night. Dancing with all the right people, schmoozing the rich and the famous. Proving what I could bring to the table.
Somehow, I ended up standing beside Christopher Anderson, who just happened to be one of the executive directors of the best production company in Hollywood. And the owner of this mansion. He was a major power player in the industry who I had suddenly been talking to for the last hour. As if it wasn’t a big deal, when it was huge one.
“When does production start for your next movie?”
“I don’t know, Anderson. When does production start for our next movie? You know, the one you’re going to let me audition for and give me the lead role in. Because I was just made for the part.”
He laughed, throwing his head back. “I like you.” Pointing at me. “It’s hard to find an actress who still has a personality and isn’t trying to kiss my ass.”
I lifted my glass in the air. “The booze helps.”
He laughed again. “Steven!” Calling over another one of his executives.
“What’s up?” he replied, standing beside him.
I tried to stay calm and collected, hoping they wouldn’t notice the nervousness I felt inside. Playing it off like I wasn’t fazed that now two of the most important men in Hollywood were talking to me.
Anderson placed his hand on the small of my back. “You know Skyler Bell, right?”
“Of course.” He nodded at me before looking at me. “Your last movie was amazing. You knocked it out of the park with that amazing voice. You’ve made quite a name for yourself these last few years. And come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I heard a vocal talent like yours. You got quite the gift, Skyler.”
“Oh wow. Thank you. It makes all the grueling hours and sleepless nights worth it.”