“You remember all that?”
“Yes. Is that wrong?” She pushed her glass away, picked up her paper napkin, and started tearing little pieces off it, a nervous habit.
“No, not at all. Have you ever told anybody this?”
“Um, no.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know,” she said, though she wasn’t being completely honest. But she wasn’t ready to face the truth. “I met Drew at church not long after all that.”
“So, why do you think she had sex with you?”
“She had a new woman every week. I was just one of them.”
“You really think that she’d ruin your friendship for a quick fuck?” Rachel raised her eyebrow.
“That’s what she told me.” Nina balled the remaining chunk of napkin into her fist, thinking about what Maya had said, and it still sat sour in her memory.
“Was that before or after you said your piece?”
“After.”
Rachel sighed again. “So, how was it?”
“How was what?”
“The sex.”
Heat flooded Nina’s face and she tried desperately not to think about it.
Rachel gasped. “Oh, it was good.”
Nina hid her face behind her hands.
“That scared you?”
She nodded, face still covered. It had terrified her big time. Sex with…God, she struggled to even remember her name…had been embarrassing and hurried, but sex with Maya had been entirely different. Raw. Passionate.
“Nina, look at me.”
She did, and Rachel took her hand. “I don’t know what’s going on with her now, but back then, I’m willing to bet that Maya had feelings for you.”
“What?” Nina jerked her hand away. “No.”
“Yes. C’mon, trust me, I’ve been there. Like I said earlier, it’s almost a lesbian cliché to fall for the best friend who’s a straight girl.” Rachel paused. “I should have realized back—”
“Back what? And will you stop calling me a cliché?”
“Never mind. It’s not important. But you are kind of a cliché. Sorry.”
“Do you really think she had feelings for me?” The thought was both scary and exhilarating, but the exhilarating part scared her more.
“I’m guessing yes. Look at how she acts around you now. She’s clearly uncomfortable. If you were just some one-night stand, she wouldn’t be this affected.”
Guilt pressed against Nina’s shoulders, and its weight was crushing. The things she had said to hide her fear… “So, you’re saying I really hurt her.”
“You obviously didn’t mean to.”
“I didn’t. I really didn’t.” Her sadness was almost palpable.
“I believe you. But I seriously can’t believe both of you have spent two years like this and neither one of you said anything.”
“I’ve tried, but she pretty much blew me off and I’m still not sure why she bothered to still talk to me or hang out.” Nina shook her head. “Today was different. I don’t know what got into me and I just brought it up.”
“Well, maybe you two can clear the air now.” Rachel eased back in her chair and crossed her legs. “Seems like a good opening you gave her, even if lunch didn’t end on a high note.”
“Maybe.” But could they? How would she even broach the subject again? She picked up another napkin.
“Okay, just to make sure, you’re not harboring secret feelings for her or anything. Are you?”
“No,” she said, maybe too emphatically. “I’m getting married. Remember?” It was totally ridiculous to even ask her something like that. Really, it was.
“Yeah, I remember.” Rachel paused. “So, is she seeing anybody?”
“How would I know?” She snapped, and a hollow feeling burrowed into her chest.
“Right.” Rachel said, but she also mumbled something else too quietly for Nina to hear.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing, just thinking out loud.”
The server appeared again. “You ladies ready for the check?”
“No. More wine, please.” Rachel said.
Nina couldn’t agree more. This situation definitely called for all the wine. And hopefully a different conversation, because this one sucked, and it dug at old wounds. Rachel may have read her mind, because she asked about work and Nina relaxed a little for the first time since Maya had arrived. By the time the server brought the fresh glasses of wine, she was feeling a little more like herself.
But she knew that, eventually, she’d have to talk to Maya again. And she was not looking forward to it, especially if the outcome was like this one.
Chapter 5
After putting sugar and coconut milk in her coffee, Nina picked up her cup and attempted to ease around Drew to get to the dining room table. He turned slightly to let her by as he had hundreds of times before, like they were in some kind of well-rehearsed dance. It was, in fact, part of their morning routine. She was in charge of coffee and he’d fix their brown-bag lunches and then start on breakfast—cinnamon toast or waffles, depending on the ingredients she put out. Today, it was toast.
On the outside, things seemed the same as usual, but there was a difference, spurred by her behavior at last night’s dinner with his friends. Since the alarm went off at 5:45 a.m., Drew had barely said a word to her, and, to make matters worse, he’d barely looked at her. Dinner had been important to him, and though Nina had a part to play, she’d screwed it up royally by wallowing in her own perceived crisis instead of interacting with his friends.
She pulled a chair out from the table and its legs scraped across the hardwood floor. She sat and watched him, hoping the normalcy of their morning routine could help her reset, because she wasn’t herself. She was able to admit that, at least. Her thoughts had been scattered since yesterday’s lunch and she definitely wasn’t focused on the wedding or on Drew.
After talking to Rachel about Maya, Nina had way too much to digest. She had no idea what she would say to Maya, but they needed to talk. Maybe if they got in the same room alone, the words would come.
The sound of silverware clanging in the sink caught Nina’s attention. She glanced up. “We have to try to be quiet. Rachel’s still sleeping.”
Drew grunted in response. His gaze finally landed on her, but it didn’t stay long. She clenched her teeth. She had to try to fix that, too. Dealing with Drew’s mood seemed easy compared to what was ahead. Wasn’t that part of the reason she was marrying him? He was easy. “You’re upset with me.”
He finished buttering a piece of toast and licked his thumb before he set the knife down. This time, when he looked at her, his lips were pressed together and a muscle in his jaw tensed. “My friends are my family. You know that, and last night you pretty much gave them the finger.”
She wrapped her hands around her coffee cup and her chest burned with stress. He hadn’t bothered to ask if something was wrong, either last night or this morning. She took a deep breath. It didn’t help, so she took another, but that one didn’t help, either. It wasn’t like she wanted to spill all her secrets—she didn’t want his judgment. She didn’t want anyone’s judgment. But he could have asked. She took a big gulp of coffee and remained quiet.
“You barely said a word to anybody. Even me. How do you think this makes me look?”
She glanced at him. How the hell did this get to be all about him?
He glowered at her. “You need to apologize to them and to me.” He didn’t raise his voice, but his tone was firm.
Her hands trembled as she raised her cup for another sip, feeling as though she was bubbling over. She stood abruptly, cup in hand, and spilled some of it onto her skin. The coffee wasn’t hot enough to burn but it got her attention. She sat back down slowly, more aware. “I didn’t do it on purpose.” Her voice shook. “So much has happened in the past twenty-four hours.”
Drew’s eyes widened, and he took a few steps forward. “Are you okay?”
Nina wanted to laugh. Finally, he thought to ask.
“It’s some stuff with Maya. I didn’t mean for it to overtake everything.”
“But you’re okay?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Well, what happened?” Drew really sounded concerned.
“I’m not ready to talk about it. Okay?” Despite omitting some things about herself, Nina didn’t want to lie to him.
His forehead wrinkled. “Oh.” He paused. “Okay.” He walked back into the kitchen and picked up the piece of toast he’d been buttering and gestured at it. “It’s cold.”
“It’s fine. I’m not hungry, anyway.” She glanced at her watch. It was almost seven o’clock. “I’ll let Rachel know we’re leaving.” As she moved from the kitchen to the hallway, she felt his eyes on her but for the moment, she had nothing left to say.
**
For the fifth time in ten minutes, someone rattled the knob on the door to the women’s restroom. Yet again, Nina yelled, “Occupied.” This should have been obvious, since the door was locked. She didn’t feel guilty because there was another bathroom at the other end of the hall. She leaned against the sink and stared at her phone. She’d been doing that a lot lately. Any day now, it was going to start staring back at her. Her whole body was tense, even her eyeballs. Finally, before she lost her nerve, she called Maya, who answered on the third ring.
“Hello?”
Nina bent forward slightly and deflated in relief. “I didn’t think you’d answer.”
“I can be surprising sometimes.”
“Yes, I remember.” Nina smiled. “Are you busy?”
“Not at the moment.”
Someone jiggled the doorknob, hard.
“Occupied.” She scowled at the door, as if that would make whoever it was stop.
“Uh, are you in the bathroom?”
“Yes.”
“If anything starts trickling, tell me it’s water from the sink.” Maya sounded amused.
“You wouldn’t hear a thing. You never have.”
“I’m talented that way, maybe.”
“It’s a special gift, but underappreciated.” The banter eased her mind a little. The past couple years, it had been few and far between.
“Did you need something?” Just like that, Maya switched gears.
“For us to talk.”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing?”
“In person. I don’t think we can do this over the phone. I meant what I said yesterday, Maya.”
“I know you did.” Maya words came out soft.
Nina pressed the phone to her ear, expecting more, but for several seconds nothing came. “You still there?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you have time?”
“I guess, but this seems…I don’t know. Weird?”
“Weird how?” Nina asked.
“Well, take this any way you want, but in the past two days you’ve been more assertive than you’ve been since college.”
Nina sucked in a surprised breath and almost went on the defensive. How would Maya know? They’d only seen each other a dozen or so times in two years. Maybe she’d just gotten tired of holding things in, and this situation felt like something she could change. “So, does that mean you’re willing to meet me somewhere to talk? I’m done at school by four.”
Maya sighed. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
“You’re in my wedding. We’re gonna see a lot of each other.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, either.”
A bolt of panic made it suddenly hard for her to breathe. “Please? It’s not like I haven’t been trying to make—”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” She didn’t even try to keep the eagerness out of her voice.
“Yeah. Coffee, tea, or whatever.”
“Odd’s Cafe at four thirty?”
“Yes.”
There was a knock on the door. “Occupied.” Nina was going to kill the next person who disturbed her.
“I’ll be there,” Maya said, and there was laughter in her voice.
“Good. See you then.” She ended the call, and satisfied with her minute progress, she closed her eyes. They had a long way to go, and she had no idea how to get there. She still didn’t have the slightest clue how to address Maya’s feelings, which was scary, but she knew one thing for sure. She was going to do her damnedest not to hurt her anymore. With that resolution, she left the bathroom for class, ignoring the death glare from the woman waiting.
“There’s another one down the hall,” she said sweetly over her shoulder and then she forced herself into her teaching frame of mind. Only a few more hours, after all, before she saw Maya.
**
Since she’d spent the bulk of her planning period in the bathroom, Nina didn’t see Drew, and she didn’t bother to inform him of her plans once the teachers’ meeting was over.
Now, sitting in the parking lot at Odd’s Cafe, she thought about why it hadn’t occurred to her to tell him, and she also realized she’d forgotten to take her phone off vibrate. He had called and texted three times. Instead of returning his call or really reading his messages, she sent her own.
Mtg Maya.
When she looked up again, she saw Maya headed toward the cafe door. She put her phone in her purse and got out of the car.
Each step toward the entrance increased her nervousness. It was like she walked on jagged rocks instead of smooth asphalt. What she said to Maya now would either get them past this chasm between them or break them, and she couldn’t do her usual avoidance tactic anymore.
She went inside and scanned the room. A few people worked on laptops while others chatted, seated at small wooden tables. The walls, covered with the work of local artists, were bursting with life and color. Maya was at the counter studying the menu, posted on blackboards.
Nina took a deep breath to try to help calm herself and joined her.
“I already ordered for you,” Maya said. “Whole milk mochaccino.”
“Thank you.” She smiled, touched that Maya remembered her favorite coffee drink.
“Welcome. Brownie or cookie? I couldn’t decide.”
Her mother would kill her if she knew that she was drinking, and contemplating eating, so many calories.
“Don’t think. Just tell me what you want.” Maya’s expression was so soft, it felt like an actual touch.
Nina’s brain disconnected She couldn’t remember the question. “Huh?”
“Cookie or brownie?”
She stared at the display of treats. The cookies were huge. The brownies weren’t. “Cookie.”
“One chocolate chip cookie and a turtle brownie,” Maya told the waiting barista.
She nodded and smiled. “Would you like the cookie warmed?”
“Yes,” Maya said before Nina had a chance to respond.
The barista gave Maya a number. “Have a seat anywhere.”
Nina led the way to a secluded spot in the corner, assuming Maya would follow. She stopped and glanced at her. “Do you want to be facing the T-Rex or have your back to it?”
“I think that’s a raptor.” Maya turned toward the mural in question.
“I don’t think so. Look at its arms.”
“I am looking at its arms. A T-Rex has arms like toothpicks,” Maya said. “We’ve seen all the Jurassic Park movies. Think about it.”
Nina sighed. “We could just ask someone who works here. I always thought it was a T-Rex.”
In unison, they waved to catch the barista’s attention. He looked toward them, and Nina pointed at the mural. He shrugged. “It’s a dinosaur. That’s all I know.”
“Thank you.” Nina smiled at him and glanced at Maya. “I guess we were both right.”
“Maybe.” Maya grinned.
It was a good sign, and it felt like old times. Until she remembered what they needed to discuss. They both sat down and the barista brought their orders. A few minutes later of small talk with Ma
ya, Nina’s cookie sat untouched. It looked delicious but there was no way she could eat it right now.
“You’re nervous,” Maya said.
“Yes.”
Maya took another bite of her brownie. “No reason to be.”
“I don’t want to mess this up.” She focused on her coffee cup for a few moments, then glanced up at Maya, who leaned back in her chair away from her iced mocha, half-eaten brownie, and Nina.
“Sometimes,” Nina continued, “when we see each other, it’s like everything is normal, and then it isn’t. I hurt you. I know I did, but I didn’t realize how much. And that explains why you’ve been so angry with me.”
“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take away from that.”
“The things I said that morning—”
“I’m over that.” Maya met Nina’s gaze, but didn’t hold it and Nina’s chest filled with the weight of the past two years.
“Can we be honest? It’s like we don’t know how to be us anymore, at least around each other. I’m not trying to hurt you. Please be real with me.”
“Just because you’re trying not to hurt me doesn’t mean anything,” Maya said, tone brittle.
“It means if I do, it’s not on purpose.”
“So…what you said to me that morning was—”
“On purpose. Yes.” A wave of guilt and regret washed over her, but at least she was coming clean now.
Maya clenched her fists and placed them on top of the table. “You said sex with me left you even worse off than when you did it with that other girl. You said that you didn’t understand why I had sex with women at all. You said it was disgusting and you were—”
“Ashamed. I remember.” Nina kept her voice low as well. Hearing Maya repeat the words she had thrown at her increased the weight in her chest.
Maya sat utterly still, like a statue. The only part of her that held emotion were her eyes, and her gaze was piercing, dark, and angry.
“I know I’ve apologized before. And you said you forgave me, but I know you never have. We wouldn’t be like this otherwise. If I had known—”
“Known what?” Maya’s voice sounded thick, like she was trying to speak around words that still clogged her throat.
“How you really felt. About me.” She almost regretted saying it as soon as it left her mouth, but maybe things would be different, exposing the wound so it could hopefully heal.
Big Girl Pill Page 6