by Ember Pierce
* * *
The memory made Kristian sad because it highlighted how kind and selfless his brother had been. And how had he repaid his brother?
* * *
By turning out to be a complete disappointment.
* * *
Yes, he had tried to do the right thing. For years, he had continually asked himself if John would approve of various decisions that he had made.
* * *
And, for the most part, that had kept him in check.
* * *
Kristian could pinpoint the day that things had changed, sending him down a path toward alcohol and gambling, numbing himself until he couldn’t feel even the biggest emotions.
* * *
It had been the dead middle of winter, and there hadn’t been much that they could do besides sit in front of the fire, dozing or whittling. Occasionally, he and John would venture outside to help with chores.
* * *
The boredom had been mind-numbing, but his brother had kept his optimism that spring was right around the corner. He claimed he could feel a Chinook wind coming, its warmth melting the snow.
* * *
Kristian knew his brother was just wishing, but he envied John that attitude. When they heard the sound of hoof beats drumming up their driveway, everyone stood and crowded around the front window to see who was coming.
* * *
Kristian had been surprised to see Jock riding in on a small horse that looked more like a large pony.
* * *
“Isn’t that Jock?” John said.
* * *
“It is,” Kristian said. “I’ll just put on my things and meet him outside. I have to go turn down the hay for the horses anyway. He can help me.”
* * *
“Bring him up here when you are done,” his mother said. “I’ll make sure you have some warm drinks to warm you up.”
* * *
Wrapping his scarf around his neck, Kristian hurried out to meet his friend. “Hi there, Jock!”
* * *
“Can I get my horse here in the barn?” Jock asked.
* * *
“Yeah, come on,” Kristian called.
* * *
Jock swung down to the ground and followed him into the barn. Once Kristian had closed the door against the cold, Jock pulled off his hat and gloves.
* * *
While Kristian worked to turn the hay over for the horses, Jock got his horse bedded down in a stable. They worked in companionable silence, though Kristian was curious why his friend was there in the first place.
* * *
Finally, he asked, “So what brings you here, Jock?”
* * *
Jock came over to him and said, “I was bored so I brought my flask. I thought we could have a drink while we visit.”
* * *
Up until that point in his life, Kristian had not been a drinker. Sure, he had snuck a sip of whiskey here and there, but when Jock offered him the flask he downed half of it in one gulp.
* * *
Almost immediately, he’d felt his head buzz and the edges of reality softened. Soon, he and Jock were rolling on the floor drunk.
* * *
That was where his father had found them when he came out to the barn.
* * *
Kristian’s father had taken the flask and left them in the barn to sober up. There was never anything said about the incident, but Kristian had felt the shift in the house after that.
* * *
His mother watched him with sad eyes and his father seemed perpetually disappointed. John had been the only one to keep treating him the same way.
* * *
Jock had never apologized for bringing the flask around. Not that Kristian had expected an apology.
* * *
It had been his choice to drink the whiskey, to take the flask from Jock. He had also made the decision to follow Jock to the saloon soon after the incident.
* * *
And then back, time and again, until the saloon had become more familiar and comfortable than his own home.
* * *
So, though he had been sorely tempted to go into the saloon with Jock, even going right up to the doors, he hadn’t. He had stopped himself, because he was committed to his new life.
* * *
It wasn’t just to honor John’s memory anymore, nor was it because he had told Bonny that he wasn’t a drinker. Now, it was for himself.
* * *
He valued the changes he was making and he liked the person he was becoming.
* * *
If he was honest with himself, Kristian had felt the pull. He had really wanted to go in, to feel the numbness that a good shot of whiskey would allow him for a couple of hours.
* * *
The stress of lying to Bonny was overwhelming him, not to mention that Graves’ deadline was fast approaching. No matter what he was doing, he felt like he wasn’t going to come up with the money in time.
* * *
He hadn’t gone in, though. As he neared the ranch, he felt another surge of pride go through him.
* * *
He felt stronger knowing that he could resist the temptation of his old life. That meant that he could go to town any time and not make a wide berth around the saloon.
* * *
There might even come a day when he could stop in to see his old friends without worrying about falling back into his old ways. John would have approved.
* * *
Kristian bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to tell Bonny about all of this so that she would be proud of him, too.
* * *
That was one of the disadvantages to lying. Now that he had told one version of his story, he couldn’t very well go and change it, could he?
* * *
He was still considering what to tell his wife when he rode up to the barn. Once he got his horse bedded down for the night, he quickened his pace across the yard so that he could get inside faster.
* * *
He was so happy to see Bonny. Maybe tonight would be the night that he would come clean to her. The thought terrified him, but also made him feel hopeful.
* * *
The truth would eliminate all the secrets between them. She deserved that. He wanted to make her happy, for her to be proud of him.
* * *
All of a sudden, it hit him. He was in love with Bonny.
* * *
He wasn’t sure when it had happened, and he had no idea how to tell her how he felt. If there was still a huge deficiency in his life, it was admitting how he felt to people.
* * *
He opened the door and stepped inside. The fire was going and there was the warm smell of a stew cooking.
* * *
Taking a deep breath, Kristian turned toward Bonny with a smile. When he met her gaze, though, his spirits fell.
* * *
She didn’t look happy to see him. In fact, she looked furious.
* * *
He tried to think what he might have done. Sure, he was late, but that couldn’t be the whole reason she looked the way she did.
* * *
If she could shoot daggers from her eyes, clearly, she would.
* * *
Kristian racked his brain for the right thing to say to make the situation better. Instead, he stood in the open doorway with his mouth hanging open.
* * *
How dumb did he look at the moment? Probably stupider than he had ever looked in his life.
* * *
Bonny directed her bitter gaze at him and said, “How long have you been lying to me?”
23
Her words hung in the air; an accusation more than a question. Kristian stood motionless in the doorway, the gaping darkness of night swallowing any hope she had.
* * *
If he hadn’t been lying, if he hadn’t been hiding something from her, then he would have answered right away. He would have defend
ed himself.
* * *
Instead, he stared at her with his mouth hanging open.
* * *
When Bonny got back from town, she had felt the calm of cold fury descend over her. She got her horse all set for the night.
* * *
Back inside the house, she had lit all the candles and gotten the fire going. Even though it was late, she had hauled out the cauldron and started a stew.
* * *
She wasn’t sure what had made her do that. Making everything homey and nice gave her a sense of control, just as everything in her world was about to spin out of control.
* * *
Sometimes, back in Philadelphia, she would do that sort of thing, and she felt better for it. When her environment was clean and there was food cooking, she knew she could handle whatever was coming at her.
* * *
When she was done getting everything ready, Bonny sat down in her rocking chair in front of the fireplace to wait for Kristian to get back.
* * *
As she waited, she thought about what she had seen in town. She couldn’t believe that this was happening to her.
* * *
She had asked him if he was a drinker and he had denied it. She had told him about her father, and he had listened like he had understood, like he cared, like they were on the same page.
* * *
She had let her guard down and she knew that had been her biggest mistake. Trusting anyone was risky, and Kristian had just proven her right.
* * *
The churning in her stomach had intensified as she’d waited.
* * *
Now that Kristian was back, everything Bonny had been holding in bubbled up inside of her. “You betrayed me,” she said.
* * *
Kristian’s face fell and Bonny’s traitorous heart wanted to reach out to him. He looked so sad that she almost took it back.
* * *
That was what it felt like, though. She had been betrayed by her family before, but being betrayed by her husband was the worst feeling that she had ever felt.
* * *
“I… I… I,” Kristian stammered. His eyes darted around the cozy house.
* * *
Bonny knew the contrast between the homey atmosphere she had created and the attitude she displayed had him confused. There was a look of stupid hopefulness in his eyes.
* * *
Intellectually, Bonny was aware that he hadn’t actually betrayed her, but that was truly how her heart felt. Inside, she was torn to shreds.
* * *
There was no way that she could adequately explain to Kristian what he had done. From the way he wasn’t even able to form a thought, she could tell that he didn’t understand how badly he had damaged their relationship.
* * *
Their very fledgling relationship.
* * *
Going back to Philadelphia didn’t feel like an option, but what else was there to do?
* * *
“I know where you have been,” she continued. Bile rose in her throat as she thought about what a fool she had been to believe that their life had been going well.
* * *
Kristian had a whole life that didn’t involve her, cloaked in secrecy and lies.
* * *
“What do you mean?”
* * *
Bonny thought she saw all the color drain from Kristian’s face, but she couldn’t be sure from the shadows made by the flickering of the fire.
* * *
Despite her anger, she once again felt sorry for him. If he had only told her the truth, there would never have been any trouble.
* * *
Instead, he had lied—and he had gone out drinking—so there was nothing she could do but steel her heart.
* * *
Standing up, Bonny took a few steps toward him. “You told me that you were working at the livery tonight.”
* * *
“I was,” Kristian said. “I did.” He was speaking too quickly. Didn’t he know that was a sure way to tell if someone was lying?
* * *
“There weren’t any shoeing jobs so it was a slow night, but I was there the whole shift.”
* * *
Bonny narrowed her eyes at him. “Why wouldn’t you have stayed for the whole shift? Don’t you normally stay for the whole shift?”
* * *
“What? Of course I do,” he said.
* * *
“Then why would you make a point of telling me that?” Bonny asked.
* * *
“Wh-what?” The expression on Kristian’s face vacillated between anger and confusion. Again, Bonny felt sorry for him, but she didn’t regret her own anger.
* * *
He had lied, probably about everything. Nothing he said now would be able to undo the damage that had already been done.
* * *
Bonny glared at him harder. “You were pretty late tonight.”
* * *
Kristian looked like he was going to choke on the air he was sucking in like it was going to vanish. “I—I had to stay late at the livery,” he said.
* * *
“You already told me that it was slow tonight,” Bonny said.
* * *
“Well, yeah, but…” Kristian began.
* * *
“Don’t,” Bonny interrupted. “I was worried about you. So worried, in fact, that I rode into town to look for you.”
* * *
Kristian swallowed audibly. “You rode into town?”
* * *
“You seem to be repeating me,” Bonny said, crossing her arms over her chest.
* * *
“You rode to town,” Kristian said again. “Well, if you rode into town, why didn’t I see you? I was chatting with a friend for a while.”
* * *
“Oh, the same friend who made you late the other night?” Bonny asked.
* * *
“There’s not another woman, I swear,” Kristian said.
* * *
“I never said that’s what I thought,” Bonny said. “I know there isn’t another woman.”
* * *
“Oh, good,” Kristian said. He did look relieved, but then worry descended on his features again. “I still don’t understand why I didn’t see you, if you rode into town.”
* * *
“You didn’t see me, but I definitely saw you,” Bonny said.
* * *
The fact that Kristian could talk to her in a calm voice was making her wonder how many times he had calmly lied to her before.
* * *
“Oh?”
* * *
Silence descended on the house. It seemed to Bonny that even the crackling of the fire paused for a long, painful moment.
* * *
Then, the coziness of the house wrapped around them again, and Bonny felt like the life that could have been was mocking her with what was right in front of her.
* * *
Her head and her heart were at war with each other. Everything inside of her felt like it was being torn apart.
* * *
“I saw you coming out of the saloon,” she said, punctuating each word with a finger jabbed through the air toward him. “You told me that you weren’t a drinker.
* * *
“You lied to me! What’s worse is that I told you all about my father, you were sympathetic!
* * *
“I didn’t realize that it was because you felt sorry for him! Not me. I can’t believe what a fool I’ve been.”