by Clive Mullis
‘Hello, Mr Cornwallis,’ said a dwarf, emerging from the shadows. ‘Testing seems to be going well. I did call you but you didn’t hear.’
‘Wha… what just happened?’
‘Rush hour: we’ve been replicating different scenarios, seeing how it will all work. Doing well so far. Shame you got caught up but you actually helped as you kept getting in the way.’
‘Glad to be of help,’ he replied through thin lips.
‘You just wait for another couple of minutes and you can do it all again.’
‘No bloody chance. Where’s Goodhalgan?’
‘You just missed him, ‘e were on that train that just left. He gave you a smack on the leg just as the whistle blew.’
Cornwallis rubbed the bit that ached. ‘Considerate of him.’
‘Yeah, he likes to keep things real, does our king.’
‘Too bloody real sometimes. If he comes back, tell him I’ll be in his chamber, writing out a compensation claim.’
The dwarf grinned and then ticked off another item on his list: “Disgruntled Passenger,” whilst waiting for the next train to arrive.
Cornwallis limped off to the steps that led down to the lower levels and then limped through the tunnels towards Goodhalgan’s chamber. It was eerily quiet as it would seem most of the dwarfs were upstairs playing with their trains instead of hammering away with picks and shovels.
It took a few minutes for the numbness to evaporate and the leg to return to normal but in that time, he flipped through the bits of parchment and paper that festooned the table in front of him.
It was all there, the plans, the maps, the timetable, income projection, expenditure, the dwarfpower required, everything, even down to the amount of ore needed.
He turned over another pile and there were letters and forms from the deliveries of ore that had come from up north on the ships owned by the dwarfs. Next to them were more letters but these were complaints and threats, some of them from the guilds.
Cornwallis began to read through them and set aside those from the guilds.
‘Ah, looks like we have a thief in the underground.’ Goodhalgan bounced into the chamber wearing a big wide grin. ‘Caught in the act, as it were.’
Cornwallis looked up from the letters and nodded a hello. ‘So it would seem, but then again I blame the assault I suffered but a short while ago.’
‘Ah, yes, sorry about that; you were in my way.’
‘Hmm,’ mused Cornwallis. ‘I’ll let you off this time. What about these,’ he asked waving a letter in the air. ‘You’ve kept these quiet.’
Goodhalgan shuffled over and took a look. ‘Yes, didn’t think it was worth bothering you. Nothing new, we’ve been getting those things for years.’
‘But these are specifically to do with The Pipe.’
‘Yes, but they’re full of piss and wind. Anyway, things have gone quiet since you arrested those lads.’
‘That’s something. By the way, we believe Brooksturner, the minister for dwarfs, might have something to do with them.’
‘Now that wouldn’t surprise me; odious man: been down here a few times and couldn’t get rid of him fast enough.’
‘Do you mind if I take these?’ he asked, tapping the pile.
‘No, I were going to hang them on a nail in the privy but if you want them, feel free. The paper ones are a bit thin with a tendency to split though.’
‘Urgh,’ replied Cornwallis, a picture forming in his mind.
They discussed things for a little while longer and then Cornwallis took his leave, everything appeared to be covered and everything appeared to be working. He just hoped that that would be the case in a couple of days’ time when The Pipe opens for business.
Chapter 27
Rose and Frankie sat on a stool at the back of the stall and chewed contentedly on their respective culinary delight. Frankie had a special and the egg yolks were already running down his chin. Rose didn’t feel up to a special so just made do with a sausage held in a delicate napkin, her second of the day so far. The sausage flopped and the punters on the other side of the stall watched in leg-clenching fascination as she held one end whilst nibbling at the other. Several respectable gentlemen had to walk awkwardly away.
‘Causing problems again?’ asked Cornwallis as he eased himself down next to Rose, observing the customers strained visages.
She turned to him and winked.
‘You could cause serious death amongst those with a delicate constitution,’ he replied.
‘Wash voo ornaboot?’ asked Frankie with his mouth full.
‘What?’ said Cornwallis thinking that someone had just plugged his ears with cloth.
Frankie swallowed and tried again. ‘I said; what are you on about?’
‘Rose,’ answered Cornwallis. ‘The damage she can do with a sausage.’
‘Oh, yeah; noticed that. Mum always says she’s good for business. A while ago Felicity were doing the same. You should have seen the poor bastards out there with two of them going at it.’
Cornwallis closed his eyes and sighed as Rose giggled. ‘And you call me juvenile.’
He opened his eyes when he felt a shove in his chest and found Sal thrusting his usual at him, half the size of Frankie’s, but still big nonetheless.
‘Thanks, Sal.’
‘Pleasure, my boy. Yer looking a bit on the thin side, if you don’t mind me saying.’ She turned to Rose. ‘You need to fatten him up a bit, my girl; thought that when I saw ‘im yesterday.’
‘I’ll send him to you a bit more, Sal,’ said Rose smiling.
‘You do that, girl. Soon get a bit o’ lard on ‘im, I will.’
‘Exercise, Sal,’ defended Cornwallis. ‘I’m a lean mean love machine.’
‘Bollocks,’ replied Sal. ‘In yer dreams,’ and then she looked at Rose. ‘Well, mebbee not bollocks after all,’ she added quietly, almost to herself.
Rose raised an eyebrow and smiled knowingly.
Frankie finished his special and licked his fingers clean. ‘Ay up, the feelers are back.’
Dewdrop and Felicity came around the back of the stall and reported.
‘No, it wasn’t him,’ said Felicity. ‘We thought it was, but it wasn’t.’
‘Fluffy,’ explained Rose to Cornwallis’ enquiring eye. ‘A ginger cat, over by the Assembly.’
‘Oh, so no sign of anything?’
‘Not yet but there’s plenty of time; you said they were liable to be busy until lunch.’
Cornwallis nodded and then checked his watch. ‘It’s after lunch now, so with a bit of luck…’
‘What do you want us to do, Mr Cornwallis?’ asked Dewdrop.
‘Wait, with us,’ replied Cornwallis. ‘The hope is that there will be two to follow; the minister and Phimp, so whoever they meet might be in on it too and we’ll need to follow them. Although there are five of us, we might end up light-handed.’
‘Oh,’ replied Felicity. ‘Er, Tiffany should be here soon, we banged on her door when we were coming down. She said she would join us, but she wanted to let the commander know what we were all doing.’
‘Probably wise,’ said Rose. ‘Jethro does like to—‘
‘Hang on,’ said Cornwallis, leaning forward. That’s the minister coming down the steps.’
‘Is it?’ asked Rose. ‘You mean that short fat shifty looking man with a comb-over and wearing a suit two sizes too small?’
‘Yes,’ answered Cornwallis.
‘Looks a bit like a gnome.’
‘Funny you should say that as that’s what people call him behind his back. Not a popular man, which is why he got the ministry for dwarfs, according to my father, anyway.’
‘I thought your father helped appoint ministers?’
‘He does normally, but the Warden seemed particularly keen for Brooksturner to take on this ministry because he hates the man, and he liked the irony of a short man taking the ministry for dwarfs. The aim is to get rid of him when he cocks it all up, which he
will. Not fair on the dwarfs and the others, but it’s politics.’
‘Let’s hope we can help get rid of him, then.’
‘Oh, here he comes. I’ll turn around, I don’t think he knows me but let’s not take the chance.’
Cornwallis swivelled around and obscured his face as Brooksturner approached the stall. He didn’t wait in the queue.
‘Make way there, minister on important business.’
The crowd around Sal’s looked down on him with contempt, but with him being so short, he never looked up to notice. The crowd were used to ingrates from the Assembly anyway and another one wouldn’t make a difference. The barbs and insults just bounced off him as those of that ilk never believed that a citizen would have the temerity to belittle a member of the upper classes.
Sal served him quickly, mainly in order to get rid of him so she could serve her better-behaved customers.
Brooksturner turned with his purchase and sniffed impatiently as someone blocked his way. ‘Oh, I say, you there. You are in my way,’ he said mustering his imagined authority.
The blockee turned and looked down at the little man. ‘Sod off, short arse.’
It took a moment for the comment to penetrate Brooksturner’s mind. ‘Are you addressing me, sir, perchance?’
‘Yeah, what of it?’
‘I am a member of the Assembly, Morris Council, Inner Circle. By obstructing me, you are obstructing the law. The penalty, I believe, is death. Let me through or I will summon the guards,’ said Brooksturner, trying to look down his nose with disdain and up at the same time — a strange sight, especially has he had hold of a Sal’s delight with extra cheese and sauce.
Reluctantly the blockee took a step back which allowed Brooksturner to move forward and someone else to nip ahead in the queue.
‘Bugger,’ exclaimed the blockee as the gap in front of him disappeared.
Brooksturner took a bite of his lunch and hurried off, oblivious to the looks aimed at his back
‘C’mon,’ said Frankie. ‘He’s off.’
Cornwallis spun back around. ‘Frankie, he’s yours. Take Cecil and Felicity with you. We’ll wait for Phimp.’
‘All right; good job I’ve finished me lunch, don’t want indigestion.’
‘What about Tiffany?’ asked Felicity.
‘Don’t worry about her, we’ll sort that,’ replied Rose, urging them off.
Frankie, Dewdrop and Felicity set off and almost immediately were lost from view as the crowd around Sal’s surged forwards as a couple of spaces became available.
‘Just Phimp, now,’ said Cornwallis. ‘Hope he makes an appearance soon or Sal will start feeding me again.’
‘Oh, look,’ said Rose. ‘Here’s Tiffany and she’s got Jethro in tow.’
‘The more the merrier,’ replied Cornwallis.
The commander and Tiffany came up and MacGillicudy raised a hand to Sal and then slipped behind the stall.
‘What’s going on?’ asked MacGillicudy lowering himself onto the stool just vacated by Frankie.
Cornwallis brought him up to speed as Sal once again dished out free food. Cornwallis and Rose declined the offer, but an old policeman never refuses food, especially when he doesn’t have to pay for it and Tiffany was learning too.
‘So,’ said Cornwallis. ‘That’s about it. We’re waiting for Phimp to show his nose and then we can see where he goes.’
‘We could be waiting a while,’ said the commander, having demolished his lunch in short order.
‘I don’t think so, especially now that Brooksturner has left. You staying or going back?’
‘Oh, definitely staying. When Tiffany requested that the three of them help you out again I looked at the four walls of my office: like a bloody prison that place is sometimes, and thought that I really needed to get out on the streets. Left Wiggins in charge, he can run the force for a day.’
‘I think I just saw a cat over there,’ said Tiffany, still only halfway through her bun.
‘Probably the one that Cecil and Felicity saw a while ago,’ replied Rose, standing up and trying to peer through the crowd. ‘Look’s a bit like our one, apparently.’
‘Was it hanging off the arm of a guard?’
‘Er, no.’
‘Well, this one is: hanging by its teeth.’
‘Where?’
‘There,’ she pointed with the half-eaten bun. ‘At the top of the steps.’
Cornwallis and MacGillicudy looked at each other then stood up too.
‘Oh, yes,’ said Rose. ‘I can see.’
‘Me too,’ said Cornwallis. ‘Looks like ours.’
‘The guard has now grabbed Fluffy by the scruff of his neck and is getting his baton out,’ observed Tiffany. ‘He’s going to hit Fluffy,’ she added in alarm.
‘He is,’ agreed Rose.
There was a pause for a few moments.
‘Ouch, that’s nasty,’ said MacGillicudy wincing.
‘Painful,’ added Cornwallis.
‘Unfair to do that, he’s defenceless,’ said MacGillicudy.
They watched as the cat dropped to the slabs on the ground. It spun a bit and then quickly scampered off, heading in the direction of Sal’s Sizzler.
‘He should have known better,’ said Rose. ‘It’s his own fault.’
‘That’s unlike you, Rose,’ said Cornwallis. ‘You’re normally a bit more sympathetic than that.’
‘Yes, but he was going to hit Fluffy.’
The guard stood on the top step in shock, his baton held loosely in his hand, the whole front of his shirt, waistcoat and trousers were ripped to shreds by the cat’s claws; blood speckling the tatters. He’d made the mistake of holding the cat too close to his body, dangling from the scruff of its neck. Four sets of claws were in easy reach and Fluffy made the most of his opportunity. The guard looked like he’d been through a mincing machine.
Fluffy appeared from under the counter wearing a look of extreme satisfaction on his face. ‘No biddy kicks me up the arse,’ he said affronted, and if he had fingers, one digit would be thumping into his chest. ‘No, siree, no one.’
‘What happened?’ asked Rose bending down and scooping him up in her arms.
‘I’s got caught, wiv a lady.’
‘A lady?’
‘Yeah, loads of ‘em in there.’
‘You were meant to be working,’ interjected Cornwallis, exasperated.
‘I were, but…’ he sort of shrugged. ‘Youse know ‘ow it is.’
‘No, I don’t.’
‘Ferrymoans, youse calls it. When a cat’s in season they gives ‘em off, and I tells youse, this one were really giving it off. Gives me the wink, she do, if youse knows wot I mean.’
‘So you stopped working for a—‘
‘Jack, don’t be crude.’
‘Yeah, Jack, don’t be crude. It were luurve,’ explained Fluffy.
‘I was going to say, dalliance,’ said Cornwallis eventually.
‘We definitely dallied,’ said Fluffy. ‘But it weren’t when I was working. I’d stopped and were on me way ‘ere. Anyways, there we was, dallying around all nice and private, like, when I gets a boot up me arse and then got grabbed by the neck and pulled off. It fair put me off it did, I can tells youse. How would youse like it being pulled off halfway through, eh?’
‘Umm,’ said Cornwallis.
‘He wouldn’t,’ replied Rose quickly jumping in.
MacGillicudy and Tiffany exchanged a look and then both looked at Rose, a half-smile on their faces.
Rose coughed and then changed the subject. ‘Why were you coming here, then?’ she asked.
‘‘Cause youse told me too if I found anyfing out.’
‘And?’ encouraged Cornwallis.
‘I did,’ said Fluffy triumphantly.
‘You’re doing it again,’ said Cornwallis.
‘What?’
‘Winding me up. C’mon.’
‘Okay, okay, keep youse hair on. Well, I keeps an eye on the man like y
ouse asks. Phimp, youse says. First ‘e didn’t do nuffing, jest walked around wiv bits o’ paper telling other people to do stuff. Then a short fat man came an’ told this Phimp to do stuff and then ‘e said they’ll discuss the other matter later. Phimp called him sir.’
‘The minister, Brooksturner,’ said Cornwallis. ‘Go on.’
‘Anyways, ‘bout an ‘our ago this Phimp goes to the other fella’s room but theys shuts the door before I can get in. I listens but it’s a bit muffled. I ‘eard a bit about dwarfs and The Pipe thing an’ a bit about a solution. Then the short-arse says that Phimp ‘as to go and meet someone but I couldn’t ‘ear where. Then Phimp asks what short-arse were doing and short-arse says he’s got a meeting too, wiv someone else, summat about a guild.’
‘Which guild?’ asked Cornwallis eagerly. ‘What solution?’
‘Dunno to both questions, ‘e didn’t say.’
‘Bugger.’
‘So I fought you’d want to know, so ‘ere I is.’
‘Somewhat delayed though.’
‘I’m a cat; youse takes it when youse can. Anyways, we don’ts take long, not like youse lot.’
‘I can assure you, Fluffy, humans can be pretty quick too,’ said Tiffany sadly.
This time a long pause ensued while Rose, Cornwallis and MacGillicudy wrestled with the information.
‘Right, well,’ said Cornwallis, breaking the silence. ‘At least we know Brooksturner is going to see one of the guilds, so Frankie, Dewdrop and Felicity should find out which one. We should then be another step closer and all we want now is for… Oh, look, and here he comes. With a bit of luck, we’ll get to see who Phimp is going to meet.’
Chapter 28
Brooksturner scuttled off down The Trand away from the Assembly, chewing the last of his lunch. He threw the used napkin carelessly onto the street, knowing that some poor unfortunate on a dollar a day would be along shortly to clear up his mess. He considered littering to be his civic duty, creating work for those needy people at the bottom of the social pile.
Frankie, Dewdrop and Felicity followed discreetly at a distance; they had spread out, all three seemingly to be walking on their own, but each keeping everyone in view. They kept to Brooksturner’s pace, wary in case he turned around and spotted them.