‘We’ve an early start tomorrow. Are you sure you won’t come with us for the day out, Ruby?’ Beatty asked.
‘No, I’ll open the shop. You take Tommy and enjoy the day together. It will be good for him. It’s a big day in his life, eh? A brand-new start, and you get me as your big sister!’ Ruby teased Tommy with a flick of a tea towel.
‘Yeah, I’ve been thinkin’ about that, Fred – can I ’ave a dog instead?’ Tommy said and ducked as the tea towel flicked his way again.
‘Now, now, you two, no teasing each other,’ Beatty scolded.
A wonderful sense of belonging washed over Ruby, and she could see the same had happened to Tommy when he went over to Beatty and clambered on her lap. The boy had found his place, and although he was long-limbed and claimed he was too old for most things, a cuddle with Beatty was never refused.
CHAPTER 31
26th September 1942
August came and went and, with it, a cease in the bombings. The irregular attacks in towns and cities across the country had taken its toll, and as September rolled in the British people dared to breathe. The Lester/Shadwell household had created their own routines. Ruby spent her days gathering stories and writing them into her journals, and Tommy proved he was willing to change, and blossomed under their care. Ruby listened to him and Beatty negotiating his bath time for the evening, and giggled at his cheeky replies. He’d brought laughter into their home.
‘Damp out there today.’
Ruby looked up at Fred as he entered the kitchen. She dried her hands on the tea towel and relieved him of five eggs and a small bunch of flowers.
‘It was a misty start when I looked out first thing. Are these for me?’ Ruby asked and laid down the flowers on the draining board.
‘I think my wife has had enough gifts from me this week,’ Fred teased as Beatty walked through to join them.
‘Giving flowers to another woman is not something I’ll overlook, Fred Lester.’
Ruby watched Fred place an affectionate kiss on Beatty’s cheek, and smiled. Although they’d said their marriage was purely to give a roof over Tommy’s head, it was obvious they enjoyed their new status as husband and wife. Ruby placed the eggs in their container and tugged on her coat. She picked up the flowers.
‘Thanks, Fred. I’ll be off and tell Tommy I’ll take him to kick his ball up at Radford Common later.’
As Ruby headed to the cemetery for the first time since witnessing the mass funeral, she hesitated whether to forego the visit and turn around. She’d chosen not to lay the flowers for James’s birthday, as she had the previous year. After a chat with Beatty, she’d made up her mind to visit Eagle Street on non-anniversary days, when the memories might not be so painful, heightened by the date. So far, it had worked. However, today she had another reason for hesitating. It was a year since she’d taken the photograph of John, and the day she’d learned what it felt like to wish for a future with a man who was not her father. Shaking off a feeling of nostalgia, she took the path along to the graveside and laid flowers there amongst the many hundreds of tributes from other families and friends. For the first time it felt the right thing to do – to imagine the place as the family grave, and not the site of their old home. As she walked away a peace settled around her, and Ruby headed for Eagle Street for the last time. She’d withdrawn her request to purchase, and knew this trip would be more difficult. After considering her future, Ruby decided she should not tie herself to painful memories by living where her nightmares existed.
The street was no different than the many times she’d visited before, and a selection of dead posies lay in front of her. Each one was a remembrance gift, no longer sharing their bright and cheerful colours, but instead reminding the world of yet more death. Unable to bear looking at them any longer, Ruby gathered them all into her arms and walked away. She made no speech, gave no loving messages to her family as she’d done on previous occasions; this time she felt none of the raging angst and fear. The flowers angered her for letting her down and not retaining their beauty. She wasn’t stupid; she known they’d die, they always did, but today their shrivelled petals spoke volumes. She buried her nose into their death and they failed her again. No beautiful perfume filled her nostrils, just the stench of decay, and she gagged. She wanted them away from the area, to not visualise them as the last thing she saw of her old home.
They were not meant to be part of her memories, but in the silent hush of mourning and through the hubbub of everyday noises she heard the familiar click of a camera and she knew someone had made them just that – a permanent reminder.
She swung around and was shocked to see John.
‘Ruby.’ John said her name soft and low, but she raised one arm to prevent him talking or coming closer. She couldn’t reply. He moved towards her and held out his arms to take the flowers from her, but she pulled them back tight against her chest, using them as a barrier.
‘Don’t.’ Her throat finally released a word.
John took a few steps backwards, looking at her in shock. ‘I remembered this day … last year. You and the flowers. I wanted to come and take a picture for the last time. I was heading your way, and wanted to see if anything had changed here. When I saw you just now … Ruby, I cannot describe how I felt, what I saw. It was powerful, moving. Your face shared something which wasn’t grief, nor anger. The light –’
Ruby threw the flowers to one side and watched as their petals scattered across the mound of rubble and rubbish beside them, then turned her face to John.
‘The light? Powerful and moving?’ Ruby’s anger would not subside. She tried to calm down, but instead she gave him a penetrating gaze, desperate to get across what he took from her with that one click of a button.
‘Do you want to know what I saw? I saw a man take something private and make it public. I saw someone capture the one thing I wanted rid of – the stain of death on petals, and the moment I’d decided to leave my family in peace for ever.’ Ruby went to turn away to hide her tears. She cried because he’d returned to her, and for her past life. She cried for the confusion of emotions she couldn’t comprehend. Her mind was a whirl of conflicting thoughts. She wanted to be angry with him, but her love for him was powerful and overrode the anger. Eventually, she calmed down.
‘Ruby, can we go somewhere less public?’ John’s words broke through the awkward silence as he pointed to their left. Ruby glanced at the family of three walking through the bombsite, looking over at her and John.
‘Why? What’s the point? So we can make love, and you can walk away? I need something more permanent, John. I can’t bear the thought of you never coming back to me. I don’t want to hold flowers with brown petals in your memory.’
‘Yes, so we can make love again. Yes, so I can prove I want permanent too. Am I forgiven?’ John asked.
Ruby nodded – a shy nod of embarrassment for creating such a scene. Then, as his lips touched hers, she chided herself for allowing the serious side of what had happened to be overshadowed by a kiss.
‘In one way, but not another. Yes, for coming here and remembering I might need a friend, but not for the photograph. I don’t want a reminder set to paper; it will not allow me to move on. If ever I opened a magazine or newspaper and saw it, the guilt of walking away from them –’ Ruby pointed to where the crater had once been ‘– and leaving their souls unattended … well, I … I’d hate myself all over again. I’ve moved them to the cemetery with my gran – in my mind, and until I heard your camera take that away I was coping.’
Reaching out and taking her other hand, John turned her to face him again. He reached out and tucked a random curl back into place.
‘I cannot open the camera here, as I will lose a lot of important – tragic – images from Dieppe, Puys, where I’ve just returned from. I’m heading back to HQ to hand them over, but I promise – promise – I will not print yours. I will destroy the negative. Erase the moment.’ John’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I seem to always be a
sking for your forgiveness, but I truly need it right now. You’ve taught me another valuable lesson, Ruby: I must not take for granted I have the right to capture pain.’
Touched by his desperate plea and taking more notice of his fragile state, her heart went out to him and, with no hesitation, Ruby pulled John in for another kiss. This time it was celebrated with a wolf-whistle from a passing van of American soldiers, cheering John on.
Before she could say any more, John’s lips were on hers. The ache and tension within her body released itself as she gave in to the kiss. With one swift movement, John was down on one knee. Her hand went to her mouth when she realised what he was doing.
He looked up at her with pleading eyes. ‘Ruby Shadwell, marry me. Make it permanent.’
And there it was – the moment Ruby had dreamt of every night since she’d met John. His proposal. His promise of life ever after. Love had found Ruby a reason to live. Her mind flashed back to her mother’s smile, knowing she’d approve of John and her smile would have beamed out her approval of this very moment. She imagined her father’s polite cough, always offered when he was embarrassed by emotional gestures of affection, of Lucy and James whooping with delight, and Ruby pressed her hands together; this was not a time for tears but a time to celebrate her and John. Her emotions raced along at the same speed as her heart. She’d experienced many life-changing moments, but with John down on one knee, loving her with such a fierceness, she doubted she’d ever experience anything like it again.
Aware his knee probably ached against the rubble, and not wanting him to think she was hesitating for the wrong reasons, Ruby pulled him to his feet.
‘Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you. I love you and cannot imagine life without you.’
Her arms went around his neck and he pulled her to him so close she felt they were one body. She heard a cheer and clap from the onlookers but blocked them out. The dark fog of her temper lifted and her mind filled with a peace she’d not experienced for years.
Eventually, they pulled back from one another. John gripped her arm as if in fear she’d walk away, but Ruby stood with no intention of leaving him again.
‘The shop’s empty,’ she whispered, and put her hand into John’s, allowing him to lead her away from the past and into a future filled with hope.
CHAPTER 32
15th November 1942
My dearest John,
I don’t know where you are in the world, but want you to know I’m always thinking of you. Fred and Beatty send their love, and Tommy said love is soppy for boys, so just to say ’ello. He is settling down really well, and is a lovely child. His mother has missed out, but we count our blessings. He’s cheeky and cheerful, just what we needed in our lives. Today, as you can imagine, is a painful one, but bless him, he drew me a picture of a bright sun with us four standing holding hands. As with true child’s honesty, I have one leg so short I wonder how I’m still standing.
I’ve given us a lot of thought. You mentioned the war ending, and our lives beginning. When that happens – I refuse to say if – when it happens, what an exciting time for us both. My ring sparkles in the sunlight, and Beatty said she’s a little jealous as she skipped the engagement part. I know she is teasing. Fred talks about his girl’s fiancé, as if I’m his daughter. Thank you for understanding my request for using the Shadwell name, and Ruby Shadwell-Clayton sounds la-di-da but oh, so right! I cannot wait until the war ends and we set our wedding date. I know we wanted to marry straight away, but I understand Beatty and Fred’s reasoning now. Besides, we might have enough ingredients for a proper wedding cake by then!
The business is thriving, and I’m in talks with another landlord about a second shop. I will move the jewellery and clocks into that one and Fred will be with me, leaving Beatty and her friend Violet running Shadwell’s Buy and Sell. I’ve decided to choose another name, and Tommy suggested Tick-Tock Repairs. I’m not sure it’s what I’d envisaged, but as it keeps him happy I use it as the temporary one. His tale-telling is less and less these days, and it’s good to know a story has truth to it when he shares them with us, unlike in the past.
I received a lovely letter from your parents yesterday. They look forward to us visiting after we are married, and returning the visit to us in England. They are extremely understanding of your staying here in Coventry. You must have written quite a letter explaining my – our – reasons, and I love you with every bone in my body for giving up Canada for me.
The day is as grey as I expected, but I will go to the cemetery and speak with my family. I am sure some folk think I’m a little touched in the head when they hear me standing there chattering to a mound of earth. The amusing thing is, it is doing that which keeps me sane!
Take care, my darling, and I look forward to seeing you again and enjoying one of your kisses. The last one still sends shivers down my spine – as does … well, you remember.
My loving wishes. Always, stay safe.
Ruby xx
January 1943
My darling Ruby,
Your letter cheered me up, and thank you for writing to let me know my parents have written. Their letters to me are supportive and they love me enough to allow me my dream of marrying you. If our lives are to be filled with the magic of our last night together in October, I cannot wait. When I am restless, I calm myself down with images of your beautiful body lying next to mine. It was wonderful.
I’m told I will be travelling a lot more soon, and will get as many letters written to you as I can. I wish I could share with you the sights I see – not the dreadful ones, but when I am home and the war has ended, I will get permission to take you to London to see some of those which are not so top secret.
Take care, my darling,
John xx
Dearest John,
I miss you. I love you. There is nothing more to say.
I’ve written to thank your parents for their wonderful Christmas gift. The food hamper was filled with so many treats, I thought Tommy was going to faint!
We had peaches and evaporated milk, tinned ham and chocolate for Christmas Day tea. It was a banquet.
I have news. It isn’t sad or dreadful, but it is rather frightening. I’ve been rather off colour for a few weeks, and spoke with Beatty. Darling, dearest John, I am pregnant. I am carrying your baby. This is not what we’d planned, and I have a lot of explaining to do to a few people, but I am not ashamed. Never will I be ashamed.
Fred and Beatty are standing by me, and are extremely supportive. It came after a lot of telling me how foolish I was to give myself to you, but they soon calmed down. They are fussing around me and Beatty is a little over-protective, but I let her fuss. I’ve not told Tommy yet, nor have I written to your parents. I will leave you to explain to them, unless you tell me otherwise.
Can you believe it, darling – we are to be parents – us holding a little one of our own. I have no fears for giving our child a good upbringing. We have a roof over our heads, and I have money in the bank, thanks to my financially aware father. Don’t be afraid for us; the raids have stopped for a long time now, and we’re rising from the ashes so to speak. Oh, John, I do hope you are not angry. Come home to us soon.
Much love, my darling xx
March 1943
Dearest John,
I hope my Valentine’s card reached you. Baby and I are doing well, and the dreadful sickness has thankfully passed. I fainted twice, but it was because I’d not eaten properly. I pray this baby is born with both legs as long as yours. I have quite a mound and my back aches due to the limp, now little one is growing. And it certainly is growing.
I get extra milk, vitamins and cod liver oil – horrid stuff. I wash it down with my free orange juice. The government are looking after us, John, so don’t fret. I do wish I could read a new letter from you. I’ve heard nothing since I told you about the baby. I pray it hasn’t frightened you away. Then I get angry with myself, as that would make you a dishonourable man, but I know you are not. You are kind
and courageous.
Tommy has won an award for school attendance, and reading. How wonderful it is to see him turning a corner. He is such a kind child and helps anyone in need. The little waif has turned a corner and I am as proud of him as I imagine a mother would be – as I will be with our child.
My love always,
Ruby xx
February 1943
Dearest Ruby,
I wish you could have seen the smile on my face when I read your letter. There was shock too, but it soon turned to joy. Parents! I cannot think of anything more wonderful than a child created from you and me. Take care of yourself, darling. I cannot write much, but hope this reaches you so you can read I am ready to come home and care for you both. Eight weeks and I’ll be back on British soil.
Your loving fiancé,
John
March 1943
Dearest John,
I was so pleased to receive your letter. I cried so much it scared Tommy, and he wouldn’t leave my side. He considers it his duty to look after me and the baby until you come home, especially as I’ve agreed to be his guardian should anything happen to Beatty and Fred. He now considers me his sister, which is sweet. I’m afraid you will be given the role of a big brother when you get home. He’s making a banner to hang up for when you arrive. He has worked hard on his handwriting, and I’m so proud of him.
Although I’ve not seen it yet, I love and cherish our baby; it represents life. The blood of our families flows through its veins.
Take care, my darling,
R x
March 1943
Dearest Ruby,
You are in my thoughts. I wrote to my parents about our news, and wait for their reply. They are good people, loving and kind. They will not be angry – a little surprised and shocked that their son misbehaved, but in general I think all will be well.
The Orphan Thief Page 23