“Whatever has happened with Astrid doesn’t change the way I feel about you,” he said.
“Well, it changes the way I feel about you,” Lilly shot back. “I explained to you that Astrid is my number one priority and if she hurts, then I hurt too.”
“I’m just trying to keep you both alive,” he said. “And sometimes I have to be tough. You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.”
Lilly let out a laugh, yet it wasn’t one of genuine mirth. “Astrid’s not an egg, David. She’s a flawed, sensitive, maddening and bighearted young woman, who’s been forced into a terrifying situation that she’s not equipped for. Stop expecting her to have the coping mechanisms of an adult. Try and remember how it feels to parent a teenager.”
He thought of Chloe and her determination to break the rules. At the time he hadn’t seen the worry and pain that was causing the problem. He had focused on correcting her behavior, thereby only addressing the symptom and not the cause. And here he was again, making the same old mistakes. Maybe Lilly was right. Maybe he hadn’t changed at all.
“I need you to help me see where I can improve,” he said. “Because I know I get things wrong and I’m difficult to live with and I want to do better.”
“I want you to tell Astrid that you trust her,” Lilly said. “Do something that will build up her confidence and show her that you have faith in her again.”
Lilly was asking too much. He wanted to have faith in Astrid, but he couldn’t summon a sense of trust out of thin air. Keeping a secret cell phone, openly deceiving him and placing them in jeopardy were impossible actions to overlook.
“I’m not sure I can do that,” he said. “I’m here to safeguard your lives, and that means making tough decisions.”
“Yeah, you already told me,” she said sarcastically. “You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.”
He sighed. They had reached an impasse, unable to find a way forward.
“You can stay here overnight,” Lilly said, lifting her chin, apparently shoring up her defenses. “But I’d appreciate you organizing a replacement by tomorrow.” David couldn’t believe this was happening. What could he do to change her mind, to make her see that he only had her best interests at heart?
“Please listen to me, Lilly,” he said, panic setting in at the thought of being banished from her forever. “This house is bound to come under attack sooner or later and I really, truly want to be here to protect you.” This statement didn’t go far enough to explain the depth of his feelings. “And I love you. I’d lay down my life for you and I can’t promise that a replacement agent would do the same.”
Her eyes became glassy and moist, and she blinked quickly. “You’re a good man, David,” she said. “But Astrid comes first, and she’s already been rejected by her father. I won’t let her be rejected by you too.”
“I’m not rejecting her.”
“Yes, you are,” she said strongly. “You told her that she betrayed us. You called her immature and a bunch of other cruel things. If that’s not rejection, then I don’t know what is.”
Hearing his own words thrown back at him made him realize how harsh they’d been. He thought they’d been necessary at the time but perhaps he had spoken too severely.
“Discipline is important,” he said. “Otherwise, children will grow into adults who have no respect for anybody.”
“Discipline without love is worthless,” she said with sadness. “When God corrects us, He does it with kindness and understanding, teaching us that He still loves us in spite of our mistakes. We should do the same with each other.”
This was undeniably true. “Do you think I disciplined Astrid without showing love?”
“Yes, I do, and I won’t let you do it again. Organize a replacement and we’ll take our chances with someone new.” She continued her way along the hallway. “I’d like you to leave tomorrow.”
David put his head in his hands. Lilly was the most determined and fierce she had ever been, her maternal instinct obviously pushed to the fore by the dressing down he had given Astrid. He had breached a boundary in a way that she wouldn’t tolerate and her words had given him a lot to think about.
He had twenty-four hours to try to prove that he could be the man she wanted. Or face losing her forever.
* * *
Lilly found Astrid curled up on her bed, White Bear in her hands. So much for not needing him anymore.
“Hey,” she said gently. “Is everything okay? You didn’t have any lunch.”
“I’m not hungry,” Astrid replied. “And I’d rather stay in my room.”
Lilly sat on the bed. “Are you avoiding David?”
“I let him down and I don’t want to be reminded of it.” She clutched White Bear closer. “The look in his eyes when he saw me with that cell phone was horrible, like he was so disappointed in me.”
Lilly stroked Astrid’s glossy hair. “You can see why he was disappointed though, right?”
“Sure I can. He probably hates me now.”
“Oh, honey, he doesn’t hate you. He cares about you and he likes you very much, but he thinks he has to be a tough guy to keep us safe.” She rested her hand on Astrid’s forehead, where a tiny scar sat on her temple, resulting from a fall as a toddler. Lilly knew every mark, every blemish, every freckle on her daughter’s face. “I’ve asked him to leave and send a replacement agent to protect us. I think it’s for the best.”
Astrid sat up quickly. “You asked him to leave? Why did you do that?”
“Because he’s making you feel bad about yourself. Because he isn’t trying to build a bridge with you. Because he doesn’t understand that you need just as much love as punishment.”
“But you like him.” Astrid picked some fluff from her teddy self-consciously. “In fact, I think you love him.”
“But I love you more, honey.” In truth, the thought of letting David go caused Lilly’s belly to ache, but she didn’t want Astrid to know that. “We’ll manage just fine without him.”
“Will we?”
“Sure. We manage without your father, don’t we?”
“Yeah, but David isn’t like Dad,” Astrid replied. “He’s different.”
Lilly had thought David was different at one point, but he had ended up letting her and Astrid down. Given another opportunity, he might let them down time and time again, just like Rylan. They didn’t need David in their lives. They had each other and that was enough.
Astrid fell silent, her expression betraying her abject sadness. Lilly patted her leg.
“The new agent will be just as protective,” she said, trying to be positive. “I’m sure of it.”
“I know, but I got used to David, and I kind of like him.”
This was a real surprise. “Wow. I didn’t expect this reaction. I thought you’d be pleased to see him go. This morning you said you were sorry you ever met him.”
Astrid grimaced as if the memory were painful. “That’s because of the look in his eyes, Mom. I couldn’t bear the shame of what I’d done, so I wanted to hurt him. Does that make sense?”
“It makes perfect sense, honey.”
“I didn’t mean the things I said to him. I actually think David is smart and funny. And I like the rules he sets for me.”
This was an even bigger surprise. “Are my ears hearing you right? You actually like his strong discipline?”
Astrid squirmed a little, clearly uncomfortable with what she was about to say.
“When David said that I run rings around you, he was right.” She looked at her mother sheepishly. “You let me get away with backchat most of the time. I’ve been rude to you and refused to go to church and I’ve even made you cry.” She gripped Lilly’s hand. “And I want you to know that I’m sorry about it. David made me see that I’ve been a brat sometimes.”
Lilly wasn’t sure whe
ther to feel pride in her daughter’s maturity or shame that her parenting had fallen short.
“I had no idea that you felt this way,” Lilly said. “What exactly about David’s discipline do you like?” If she knew the answer to this, maybe she could replicate it. “Try and explain.”
“It’s like a security blanket,” she said. “Rules make me feel safer because I know that someone is concerned about me. David’s rules feel like strong arms, hugging me tight, and I got used to them in the end. He’s way too strict sometimes but then you step in and tell him to back off, so it works really well.” She smiled. “I think you guys make a really great team.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do, and I’m sad that I messed it all up. You’re telling him to leave because of me.”
Lilly reached out and pulled Astrid into a hug, cradling her head while Astrid cuddled White Bear.
“I’m telling him to leave because...” She couldn’t remember why.
“Because he’s stubborn and stiff and won’t believe that I can be trusted.” Astrid’s laugh was hollow. “Am I right?”
“Yes,” she said, refusing to laugh along. This was way too serious for that. “I will never allow any man into this family unless he adores you just as much as I do. You are a beautiful person who happens to make mistakes, exactly like everybody else.”
“I just happen to make more mistakes than most,” Astrid said. “But I’m trying hard to do the right things now. I really am.”
Lilly kissed her forehead. “I know that, honey, and I’m proud of you for using this experience as a way to learn and grow.”
“Thanks for bringing us home, Mom. I needed to be back in my own room.”
Lilly’s heart skipped a beat, and she hoped Astrid didn’t notice the fear. Returning to her quaint little home in Oakmont was bittersweet. On the one hand, she was surrounded by familiar things, including her neighbors and friends, but on the other hand, she would be so easy to find. Henderson would have no difficulty in locating her here, the most likely place in the world.
And once David was gone, she could no longer rely on his protection. Much like Astrid, Lilly had gotten used to his strength and security, and losing his safe hands would be a wrench.
She would have to learn to be strong all on her own once again.
* * *
David stood on the sidewalk, scanning the street in both directions. All was quiet on this leafy street, lined with single-story homes, windows bright in the darkness. Directly outside Lilly’s home was a patrol car with two officers inside.
Lilly approached, walking down the driveway, carrying a tray of mugs, each steaming in the cold air.
“Take one of these,” she said, holding the tray toward David. “Goldie says you’re on first shift tonight, so you’ll need it.”
He took it gratefully. “Thanks.”
Lilly walked to the police car and waited for the window to slide down before offering the two officers the remaining mugs. They took them with a smile and waved their thanks. David had decided there was little point in trying to hide their presence here. It was better to have extra security and await the inevitable. As well as the lookout officers, a SWAT team was on permanent standby and could be mobilized within five minutes, giving him extra peace of mind.
Behind Astrid’s drapes in her bedroom window there was a flicker of blue and green. She was watching television, having decided to spend almost all of her time on her bed.
“Astrid’s avoiding me,” he said. “She won’t even look me in the eye.”
“It’s because she’s ashamed of herself,” Lilly said. “She can’t face you.”
David wasn’t so sure. He reckoned it was more to do with her dislike of him and his strong rules. One thing Astrid definitely disliked was being constrained by rules.
“I’ll miss her,” he said sadly. “She’s really gotten under my skin.” He stared into his coffee. “Of course, it’s nothing compared to the way you’ve gotten under my skin. I’ll miss you more than I can ever explain.”
“Astrid will miss you too,” she said, ignoring the rest of his sentence. “She actually likes you a lot. She thinks you and I make a good parenting team.” Lilly smiled. She looked so tired. “Apparently you’re too strong and I’m too soft, so we meet at a perfect point in the middle.”
He returned her smile. “Like a sweet spot.”
“I guess so.”
David side-eyed her. “Astrid said that? She said she likes me?”
“Yes, she did. It’s hard to believe she said it, but you know how contrary teenagers can be.”
David was shocked at this revelation. He had assumed that Astrid was being deliberately standoffish and rude, refusing to engage with him because she wanted to rail against his authority. He hadn’t stopped to consider that he might be wrong. And now it was almost too late to backtrack, because his replacement would be there in the morning. David would be officially transferred off the case at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow.
“Perhaps I should talk with her,” he said. “What do you think?”
Lilly was hesitant. “I’m not sure. She’s sad and vulnerable at the moment.”
“And you’re worried I might criticize her and make her feel even worse?”
Lilly nodded. “If you can’t forgive her and trust her again, then leave her alone.”
There was a hard edge to Lilly’s words and he understood her ferocity perfectly. If somebody were to criticize Chloe for her bad choices, he would be as fierce in response. His daughter had accepted her mistakes with humility and didn’t try to hide from them. Was it possible that Astrid had arrived at the same place as Chloe, ready to own up to her faults?
“I want to make things right between us, Lilly,” he said. “I’ll be removed from the assignment tomorrow morning as you wanted, unless you change your mind and I cancel the request.”
“I don’t know, David,” she said. “It all depends on whether you can repair your relationship with Astrid. If you upset her, she’ll become defensive and belligerent.”
“I’m capable of exercising restraint,” he said. “I have a light touch when I need it.”
Lilly’s faced showed skepticism, and again he understood why. He had come down hard on all of them over the last few days, demanding they unfailingly comply with all his rules. But now he felt differently. Now he wanted to change, to be more sympathetic and understanding, to be more like Lilly.
As he mulled these thoughts over in his head, the front door of the house opened, letting out a shaft of light onto the path, and Goldie stood in the doorway.
“Astrid says she hears noises and we’re not sure where they’re coming from,” she called out. “Get inside. We need to go on lockdown.”
ELEVEN
Lilly rushed into the house alongside David, and he bolted the door behind them. Astrid was standing in the hallway with Goldie, wearing fleece pajamas and fluffy socks, her eyes wide and worried.
“What did you hear, Astrid?” David asked, going into the living room to peek through the drapes. “Was it someone outside the window?”
“It was weird,” she replied. “Like something was scratching inside the walls.”
“Mice?” he suggested.
“No, it was too loud for mice.”
Lilly went to her side and held her hand. “Squirrels perhaps?”
“Maybe, but it sounded too rhythmic to be an animal. I thought it was a person.”
“Squirrels can make rhythmic sounds when they gnaw on things,” David said. “And they can be loud too.”
“I don’t know what it was,” Astrid said. “But it scared me.”
“Where did you hear it?” he asked.
“In my room and here in the hallway. The noise seemed to be all around me.”
David held a finger to his lips. “Let’s all listen for it.”
The four occupants of the house fell silent, ears slightly upturned, straining to hear. Lilly heard a dog bark in the distance, a siren on the highway and the whirr of the central heating, but nothing else.
“I didn’t imagine it,” Astrid said. “I definitely heard a noise.”
David placed a hand on her shoulder. “I believe you, but it’s gone now. Would you like me to check the attic as a precaution?”
Her face flooded with relief. “Would you do that?”
“Sure.” He walked to the hatch and pulled the cord, sending the ladder sliding to the floor. “What do you keep up here, Lilly?”
“Christmas decorations, some old furniture, paints and brushes—the usual kind of stuff.”
He took his gun from his holster and climbed the creaky ladder while Goldie held it steady. As soon as his head disappeared into the darkness, he called out, “I need a flashlight. I can’t see a thing.”
“There’s one attached to the wall by the hatch,” Lilly said. “Be careful, David. Some of the boards are a little rotten so tread carefully.”
His legs vanished from sight and they heard his footfall overhead. Meanwhile, Astrid clung to her mother, her gaze raised toward the ceiling, following the creaky footsteps above her head.
David coughed. “It’s dusty up here, but I don’t see anything out of the ordinary.”
“Does it look like anything has been disturbed?” Goldie shouted. “Take a good look.”
“There are boxes, packed and stacked, suitcases in the corner, a folding table and chairs and... What’s this?”
Lilly took a sharp intake of breath. “What is it?”
“I think it’s a canoe.”
She breathed out in relief. “Yeah, that’s Astrid’s. It was an old hobby of hers.”
“Do you see any squirrels?” Astrid asked. “Or mice?”
Safe House Under Fire Page 17