by Lori Foster
“It was three years ago.”
“And you’ve put it to rest, I know. Now he’s back and dredging it up again.” A dimple appeared in his cheek. “I get why you wanted Mike to butt out.”
“Mike means well.”
“I know. It’s just...with me you don’t always have to be strong, okay? You can admit that it’s going to be difficult.”
With him being so persuasive, she gave in. “I’ll admit I’m looking forward to it.”
“Autumn,” he chided.
“Right, it’ll suck.” Big-time suck. “But I can handle it.” What choice did she have? In such a small town, she wouldn’t be able to avoid Chuck, especially if he was determined to see her. And they’d all be watching the show, waiting to see what would happen. Blowing up on him, letting them all know she still felt humiliated, would only make things worse.
“I won’t interfere,” Tash promised, “but there might be a way I can help.”
“You want me to talk about it?” The thought left a bad taste in her mouth. She’d grown up being the strong one. Reliable. Grounded. Calm and sensible.
But Tash said he saw her differently. With him, she felt different.
“Talking is a start. God knows, I’ve spilled my guts to you.”
“That’s different.” Everyone talked to her. It was yet another of her assigned roles, one she appreciated because it made her feel helpful. “I want you to. Anytime.”
His hands moved down from her face, along her throat, until he clasped her shoulders. “For such a small woman, you carry a really big load.”
Small woman? Should she point out her big bones?
No, she wouldn’t. Let him live with the illusion.
“I know I’ve added to it, too.” When she started to object, he gave her a brief peck on the mouth that effectively silenced her. “Before you, I hadn’t discussed my divorce or the way Deb cheated. Talking about it, saying it aloud, made the problems seem more manageable.” Another peck, this one softer, lingering a few heartbeats. “I want you to be able to share, too.” Then he said with emphasis, “With me.”
Unsure what to say, she settled on honesty. “A few times, I unloaded on Ember.” And though she’d always felt terrible for doing it, Ember hadn’t complained. “There are times when having a sister is a really good thing.”
“More often than not, I hope?”
“Definitely more often than not.” Even when her sister was a pain in the ass, Autumn knew she had her best interests at heart.
“She was there for you when Chuck split?”
The gentle massage of his hands on her shoulders lulled her. “Right after Chuck ran off, I was a wreck. Did I tell you I found out from other people? He didn’t even tell me himself.”
“Miserable bastard.”
That simple statement said it all. “For a couple of days I cried, feeling sorry for myself, humiliated and emotionally stomped, and then I’d rage about Chuck and Brenda.”
“You raged to Ember?”
“God, no.” Ember would have gone out looking for them both. “My sister wouldn’t know what to do if I melted down on her like that. But she checked on me daily, tried to get me to go out with her.” Remembering made her chest tight. “She wanted me to get even with Chuck by having a fling, but that’s not me.”
“So you switched to ice cream instead?”
“Ha! No, not right away. I sort of...hunkered down. Kept a low profile.” It shamed her to admit it, but he’d asked, so... “I struggled with my embarrassment.”
His hand smoothed her hair. “And then your pride stepped in?”
Being held by him felt so nice, she got closer and rested her cheek on his chest. His arms came around her in a welcoming hug.
“My pride—as well as my sister—told me to shake it off, be grateful for what I’d avoided, and to get out there and show the world, or at least the town of Sunset, that Chuck could never break me. Ember urged me to show them that I was happier without him than I’d ever been with him.”
“A tall order.” His hand moved up and down her spine. “How’d you do?”
“In public? Pretty darned good. In private?” She sighed. “It took a long time to really get back in the swing of things. I skipped life outside work for a while, using the excuse that I had things to do on the farm. Working with the animals is always soothing.” She tilted back to see him. “They’re pretty nonjudgmental. Feed them, give them a clean comfortable place to exist, attention and affection, and they’ll love you unconditionally.”
Another hug and then he set her back from him, his hands clasping her shoulders. “Chuck is a fool. I’m not.”
Heat, scented by his body, filled her head. The look in his eyes, dark and compelling, thrilled her. She felt certain he wanted to kiss her for real this time.
Do it, she silently encouraged. She even tilted closer, staring at his mouth, suddenly wanting that kiss more than anything she could remember in her recent lifetime. Do it.
Growing sexual tension tightened his jaw. His eyes went heavy, intent, and then his mouth was on hers, gently at first, tentative. Autumn made a small sound of pleasure and he gathered her tight to his body so that her curves aligned with all his harder planes. Tilting his head for a better fit, he nudged her lips open for the glide of his warm tongue.
Yup, this. Tash kissing her with the same hunger she felt. Taking, giving, constantly shifting to get closer.
This was awesome. Better than any other kiss she’d known. Better than even ice cream.
Because it was Tash, her lifelong crush.
The guy she’d always wanted but thought she’d never have.
She’d had a thing for him way back in high school, and apparently it hadn’t waned in all that time. One kiss from him and he’d ignited it—ignited her—all over again.
Need took her fingers into his hair, over his neck, his shoulders, down his chest...and Tash eased up, catching her hands in his. By small degrees he ended the kiss until they were no longer touching.
Her knees had turned to rubber and an insidious liquid warmth coiled inside her. Devastated, that’s what she was. Devastated by lust.
Tash didn’t look unaffected, but was he as lost as she? She saw the telltale signs of arousal on his face: glittering eyes, heightened color in his cheekbones.
His nostrils flared slightly, and he kissed her again, this time firm but quick. Then he ruined it all when he said, “I shouldn’t have done that.”
Those words, as effective as a dousing of ice water, snapped her out of her sensual fog. Damn it, he did not get to have regrets! Yet there he stood, looking guilty and hot and so sexy that she wanted to throw him in the empty horse stall of her nonromantic barn and...
And he’d stopped.
Embarrassment prickled, along with disbelief and denial. “Why not?”
Good. That sounded calm, as if she was merely interested instead of desperate.
“For one thing, you’ve sworn off men.” His brows flattened with confusion and that damn regret. “I’m not an ass like Chuck, and I do pay attention to what you want. You need to know that.”
I changed my mind. Or rather, he changed it. She opened her mouth to explain it to him, but not in time.
“And even if you hadn’t,” he said, frustration ripe in the set of his shoulders, “I can’t be in that type of relationship, not right now when Sadie is already adjusting to so much.”
Half insulted, half bemused, Autumn stared at him. “You kissed me.” Under the circumstances, the reminder seemed necessary. “Pretty sure you liked it, too.”
Voice husky and rough, he muttered, “You have no idea.”
That was something at least.
Until he added, “That’s part of the problem.”
Oh, great. Kissing her was a problem.
Appearing hunted, h
e paced away, but surged right back like a man ready to ravish a woman. He slowly inhaled, slowly exhaled and pulled himself together. “I got ahead of myself with that kiss, and that’s not fair. I’m sorry.”
Hello. She’d kissed him back—or couldn’t he tell? Maybe her kissing skill sucked or something. With no way to know for sure, she kept quiet. He could muddle through this without her input.
“I meant to suggest a proposition—that is, an idea that’ll work for both of us.”
Right now she’d give a lot to have a little of Ember’s savvy and experience with men. But, no, all she had was her calm, steadfast, boring persona, so she folded her arms and asked, “Why don’t you just spell it out for me?”
“I’m messing this up.”
“Oh, no,” she said, her tone dripping with sarcasm. “You’re doing great.”
Instead of being irked, amusement crinkled the corners of his eyes. “Even at the most awkward times, you’re pretty damn special.”
If it was awkward for him, he should try it from her side. Since they weren’t really getting anywhere—beyond making her hot and bothered—she decided it was time to wrap it up. “We should get out there with Sadie.”
Without looking away from her, he said, “Mike is letting her toss out chicken feed. She’s having a blast.”
Wondering how he knew that, Autumn leaned forward to see out the barn doors. Sure enough, that’s exactly what they were doing. “Huh. A dad’s eagle eye?”
“She’s my daughter. Some part of my brain is always on her. Actually, that’s what I’m trying to explain. Sadie adores you.” His gaze dipped to her mouth. His tone dipped, as well, going a little deeper. “I like you, too. A lot.”
She swallowed back her automatic “ditto,” because at this point in their convoluted conversation, she wasn’t sure what he wanted.
“You’re easy to talk to, even easier to be around. You...fit, when I didn’t think that’d be possible, not with everything we have going on. In so many ways you make it better instead of worse, and I can’t overlook that.”
Unsure what to make of that, she gestured for him to continue.
“Chuck coming back probably reinforces your decision about men. That’s okay,” he hurried to say, “because my current situation is limiting also. I have zero chance of a sexual relationship.”
Her jaw loosened, then snapped shut. “I didn’t ask.”
That only seemed to frustrate him more. “True. Hasn’t stopped me from thinking about it, though. The problem—from my end, at least—is that I do most of my work late in the evening and in the early morning.”
Working around Sadie’s bedtime? So when did he sleep?
“Having a seven-year-old around during the day means no privacy. I’m okay with that,” he added, “especially since the plan is to help her acclimate to everything.”
Finally seeing the picture, Autumn said, “But it leaves no time for—”
“Intimacy. Sex. Anything one-on-one with a woman.” Full of persuasion, he edged closer. “I know, not exactly exciting, but since you swore off men, anyway, it could work, right? And to be truthful, I’m hoping you’ll change your mind by the time I’m freer, maybe after school starts?” Still not giving her a chance to weigh in, he added, “For now, there’d be no pressure at all. Just friendship.” He bent to see her face, his earnest eyes searching hers. “What do you think?”
What did she think? About no sex? Autumn shook her head.
Was he nuts?
Of course she wanted sex, or at least she did with him. Until him, yeah, she could take it or leave it. She had left it—for quite some time.
As if to sway her, he said, “We could hang out, be together at the various town parties, like at the beach last night. You had fun, right?”
The most fun she’d had in a very long time. “Surprisingly, I did.”
“You’ll be working at the house and we could follow that up with dinner sometimes.” Drawing her resisting body to his, he added, “There are a few movies Sadie wants to see. She’d enjoy your company. I’d love your company, too.”
That sounded nice.
“Women would leave me alone—”
“Wait.” Autumn straight-armed him. He’d slipped that part in there, but her brain snagged on it. “Have women...?”
“I’ve had a few offers,” he said, like it was nothing at all. “Being with you will end that, right?”
“Being with me?” He made it sound legit, when she wasn’t at all sure about that.
“Here’s the bonus.” Ready to convince her, he stroked a hand down her back, pressing her forward into a full-body hug. “If the town sees us as a couple, Chuck would hear about it and he’d know you’d moved on. You could avoid that whole awkward scenario.”
Being up against his body, his muscles tensed and his heated scent addictive, made it hard for her to think. Otherwise she might not have said aloud, “They’ll see I already have a hunk, so why would I care about Chuck.”
His slow smile seduced as completely as his gravelly tone. “You think I’m a hunk?”
Pfft. “You have mirrors.”
Pleased, he nuzzled against her hair. “I think you’re incredibly sexy.”
Yeah...she had mirrors, too. “That’s why you want a pretend relationship, huh?”
“Autumn.” More gently, with feeling, he pressed a kiss to her temple and eased back to see her face. “I want you. I haven’t focused on a woman in a long time, not since I got news of Deb’s death and I started the process of rearranging Sadie’s life. Even before that, I had a casual date here and there, but most of my time was spent on advancing my career and arranging my schedule to see Sadie. With you, it’s different.”
Good.
“When Deb passed away four months ago, I got Sadie right away, of course. But then we had the process of me resigning from my job, selling my condo, relocating us both—everything’s been up in the air. Neither of us has had a chance to regroup.” He tangled his fingers in her messy hair and gently massaged her scalp. “In the middle of the chaos, you’ve brought calm.”
Funny, around him she felt really chaotic.
Mirroring that thought, he clarified, “Calm at least to the situation. Internally, lady, you’ve kicked up pure pandemonium.” He looked her over, his gaze piercing...and admiring. “I can’t stop thinking about you—or wanting to see you.” Sadie’s laughter drew his attention toward the barn doors and put a smile on his mouth. “It helps that Sadie likes you so much. I don’t have to feel guilty for my divided thoughts.”
“You’re human, Tash. You’re allowed to have feelings.” And wants and desires. If she could only convince him of that, maybe they could find a way around the privacy issue.
“She’s my priority.”
“Well of course she is.”
His smile warmed another few watts. “See, you get that. I’m not sure other women would.”
Hmm...new concerns surfaced. “Are we here, doing—” she flapped her hand to indicate their close proximity “—this, just because Sadie likes me? You might’ve been with another woman, except she wouldn’t empathize with your daughter?”
“That’s part of it. If Sadie didn’t like you, it wouldn’t matter what I felt because I’m not going to put her through anything else.”
“Makes sense. Keep going.”
“If you didn’t understand that, no matter how much I wanted you, I’d put a lid on it.”
So far, he’d said nothing objectionable. But somewhere in there, he had to want her, for no other reason than that he liked her and found her appealing. “Got it.” Hopeful, she asked, “What else?”
Framing her face in his hands, he said with forthright candor, “Sadie could claim you as her new best friend, and you could be the most understanding woman in the world. If I didn’t want you so damn much, I still wouldn�
��t be here, trying to figure out a way to make this work for both of us, and to it make worthwhile to you.”
Worthwhile? Was that a joke? The man clearly didn’t know his own appeal, or how much she wanted him. “So we’re going to have a...relationship?” That word didn’t sound quite right given his no-sex proclamation.
Giving a hint of iron determination, he said, “Let’s call it an exclusive relationship.”
“Exclusive,” she said lightly, though it was a heady thought. Tash Ducker would be hers and hers alone. Even without sex, that sounded pretty great. “So you’ll be faithful to me even though we can’t—”
“I don’t want anyone else,” he nearly growled.
Oh, hey. The way he said that, how he sounded—and how he looked... Seriously, why was she still waffling?
Maybe sensing her acceptance, he pressed her back, the hunger in his eyes now mixed with optimism. “What do you think?”
A platonic relationship with the guy she’d crushed on forever? A man she respected and admired. A man she liked...and wanted. Why not? At least with Tash, she knew upfront what she was getting into.
He was right about the bonus, too. With Tash, she’d make all the ladies jealous and no one, not even Chuck, could think she was pining away.
Making the decision, she stepped back.
Out of his hold.
Shoulders back and chin up, she gave a firm nod. “All right.”
Triumph glittered in his eyes. “You agree?”
That particular look made her knees wobbly, but she wouldn’t turn back now. “We have a deal.”
That wiped away his pleasure. “Don’t make it sound like a business arrangement. It’s more than that.”
“Sure, okay.” Knowing more of an explanation wouldn’t help, she moved toward the barn doors and he followed. To ensure a change of topic, she asked, “How is Sadie doing? I was worried after she got hurt last night.”
“We talked. Really talked, I mean. I’d already made up my mind not to press her, but out of the blue, she opened up. Some of the things she said...” He took her hand. “She’s sharing, and that’s what matters.”