by Sarah White
Laughing so hard I can’t breathe, I follow Jackson as he makes an escape to my room. I’m being pelted from behind as we run down the hall. Jackson falls back on the bed and puts a piece of popcorn that was tucked in his collar into his mouth. I try to pick the pieces out of my hair but I can’t get them all and Jackson motions for me to come over to him so he can help. When I reach the end of the bed, Jackson hooks his hands behind my knees and pulls me down onto the bed so I’m straddling him.
With that small move the mood changes and I look into Jackson’s eyes as he pulls me higher onto his body, holding the backs of my thighs when I close the distance and begin to kiss him. We kiss until my lips are sore and Jackson has explored my body with his hands. I want to push it farther but Jackson is leaving early, and needs to get some rest so he can do schoolwork on the plane. I kiss his neck and he pulls my hair back off my face, gathering it all at my nape with his hands.
“I don’t want you to go,” I say before I can stop myself, and then close my eyes so I don’t have to see the look on his face.
We’ve not been together long enough for me to say things like that and I’m surprised when he kisses my lips and tells me he doesn’t want to leave me.
“Maddy, don’t ever be embarrassed to tell me how you feel.” He lets go of my hair and twirls the ends between his fingers. “I need to know something before I leave.” His face is softer now and concern is in his eyes.
“What, Jackson?” I sit up so I can get a better look at his face as he speaks.
“I know I don’t have a right to ask you about a lot of things—we’re just getting to know each other—but I’m going to admit that the thought of being so far away from you for a few days has me on edge. I think about you calling him. When I’m with you I know there is so much between us, but when I’m at my place or with the team, I feel like my head is somewhere else. I think about how much time we have left and I feel sick. The other day at practice while running some plays, I thought of what you might be doing, or who you might be thinking about, and I wanted to run off the field and find you.”
We sit for a minute, just looking at each other, and I offer a small nod. Jackson leans up on his elbows and kisses my lips gently. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me—I am not the caveman type. I don’t usually give a shit where a girl is when she’s not with me, and I certainly don’t usually care what she’s thinking about when I’m playing ball. I just want to know… I know right now I’m a long shot, but please tell me I’m still in the game.”
I run my hand through his hair and smile down at him. “Jackson, you are the first-string quarterback in real life and in the metaphorical ‘game.’ My thoughts are always with you. Being with you is unbelievable, but I have to think about more than just my own happiness when it comes to choosing relationships. No matter how these three weeks end, you have to know you have my heart, and this time we spend together will be the happiest three weeks of my life.”
“I would never wish that were true, rookie.” Jackson brushes his knuckles across my forehead and then tucks my hair behind my ears.
I’m confused; maybe I read the signals wrong.
“Maddy, my wish for you is that one day you will look back on these three weeks with me and realize it was the time that you loved me the least. I know it’s too soon to say we love each other now, but this is my wish, so I’m allowed to hope that whatever this is between us grows until we do call it love. As for your happiest three weeks—you haven’t seen anything yet.” He kisses me again, with a passion I have grown to crave.
He flips us over so he is on top of me, cradled between my legs. I can’t get enough of this man and I pull him close to me as I feel the last threads of my resistance fray. I wanted these three weeks to be a time of exploration, a little space to get a few things out of my system. I had no intention of growing attached to anyone, but Jackson has changed that. I think of him first thing when I wake up and he is the last person I talk to before I go to sleep.
Jackson pulls my attention back to the present moment when he slides my shirt up and over my head. I feel the bristle of whiskers across my chest as he kisses his way across my breasts. I lean up to get a grip on the bottom of his shirt and he takes the opportunity to unhook my bra and slide it down my arms. I pull his shirt off and enjoy the warmth of his chest pressed against mine as I run my fingernails lightly down his back. He slides his hand down the back of my leg, bends my knee, and pulls my leg around his waist. This is what I have been waiting for, the moment when I let go of all of the rules and allow myself to feel wanted and confident in my ability to bring a man to the edge of need and desire.
His hips grind down on me and send a shot of longing through my body. His hands pass over my skin with such perfection that in no time I’m arching up to meet him and matching his slow rhythm, rocking my hips against him. It’s clear he wants me as he kisses my neck and presses every inch of himself against me. His phone vibrates in his front jeans pocket and, as it comes into his awareness, he slows down the kisses, but doesn’t pull away entirely. His lips meet mine gently and he places small kisses across my face.
Our eyes are open now and as his phone beeps with a message and then begins to ring again, we both know it is time for him to go. Jackson pulls back, looks into my eyes and gives me a kiss on my forehead before moving to my side and retrieving his phone from his pocket. He types out a quick text, and then, with a look of regret and hesitation, he tells me it is time for him to go. I nod but find it impossible to speak.
We sit up and put our clothes and shoes back on in silence, neither of us addressing the feeling of sadness that has entered the room like a thick fog. Greg left days ago and while I miss his presence, I’m now acutely aware that my heart does not. My heart wants Jackson. I’m falling for him and I can’t help but notice the way that sits uneasily in my stomach. If I know what it feels like to fall, I might soon know what it feels like to be broken.
I walk him to my door and he kisses me one last time. Some of his teammates are waiting for him in a car outside and they honk the horn and yell. Jackson promises to call and text when he can, then he jogs out to the waiting car. I stand on my front step, my arms folded across my chest against the cold. I’m not sure how long I stay like this, staring after the path his body took away from me, but I become aware of Abby standing in the doorway, watching me.
“Oh, Madeline.” Her voice is soft and full of concern, and she has seen more than I would have told her. “You’re going to break his heart, you know.”
I look up to meet her eyes and give a small shrug. “I could choose him.” I try to sound sure of myself but we both know my family has their heart set on Greg.
It’s all tangled up now, my love life and the family business. If I break up with Greg, it could mess up his career and make me look disloyal. They want what’s best for me, and they think Greg is just that. He’s stable, intelligent, and I understand how he seems perfect to them. They don’t know just how little I feel for him in the way of excitement and lust. Abby wraps her arm around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder. We stare out into the dark night at nothing.
“You could, Madeline, and that’s why it will be so devastating for the both of you when you don’t.” With one last squeeze, she leaves me in the doorway alone.
Chapter Nine
I’m startled awake by the alarm on my phone, but when I reach to turn it off I find it is no longer next to me on the bed. I fell asleep last night texting Jackson in his hotel room. My fingers make contact with the charger cord and I pull my phone up to the bed like an anchor from the bottom of the sea floor. When it finally appears over the edge of the bed, I snatch it up and squint against the brightness of the screen. It’s seven a.m. I have two new messages from Jackson and one from Greg.
Greg: I’m trying to give you space, Madeline, but I think we need to talk.
I think for a minute before typing out my response. “I will call you tonight.”
I exit ou
r conversation, and I open the messages from Jackson.
Jackson: I’ve been thinking about your list, rookie. Does it include going to a football game? Last home game of the season is next week.
Jackson: I don’t know if I should be disappointed that you didn’t text me right back, or grateful that I am now forced to picture you sleeping in my shirt. Don’t worry, Sleeping Beauty; the black lacy panties will be our little secret. ;) Sweet dreams.
I can’t help but smile when it confirmed that our minds are in the same place. I type a response. “Hmm… speaking of black lacy panties, check your bag.”
Before we met up with Abby and Kyle to watch our movie yesterday, I stopped by Jackson’s place to leave a little surprise. His roommates let me right in when I told them I had forgotten something in Jackson’s room. I tucked my panties into the outside pouch of his bag and managed to escape before Jackson came home from class. There may not actually be a list on paper of the things I want to experience during these weeks away from my planned-out life, but I know having fun secrets and being a little naughty are a must.
I start to gather my clothes to head to the shower when my phone beeps.
Jackson: No way.
Jackson: Very naughty, rookie.
Me: Consider it a checkmark on my list.
Jackson: Damn—I want to see this list.
Me: Watch your language or I’ll tell your mother.
Jackson: You would have to meet her before you could.
Jackson: How does Wednesday night for dinner work?
Me: Jackson, I am not meeting your mother this week. I barely know you—I’m certainly not ready to meet your mother.
Jackson: I have a pair of lacy panties that says you know me well enough.
Me: You being familiar with my panties does not make good dinner conversation—where are your manners?
Jackson: See? My mother should be informed immediately.
Me: In that case, I gratefully accept your dinner invitation, sir.
Jackson: Good. I have to go, rookie. Have I told you how fucking beautiful you are?
Me: Language, Mr. Quarterback.
Jackson: Just giving you something to talk about on Wednesday.
I take my shower and throw on a pencil skirt and silk blouse. I’m meeting my brothers for lunch today at a little restaurant between campus and their office. When I’m finished with my hair and makeup, I make my way across the apartment to say goodbye to Abby. I can hear voices when I approach her door and I pause for a moment just outside when I hear Kyle tell Abby he has been offered a job in Florida. The air rushes out of my lungs. I wait to see if he is going to leave or if she is going to break down, but there is just silence. It dawns on me that I’m eavesdropping on a very private moment, so I turn away from the door as quickly as possible and leave the apartment, hoping she can pull through this without her heart being broken.
*
My brothers attract a lot of attention when they are all together—young, clean-cut and powerful-looking in their top-of-the-line business suits. Women stumble all over themselves to get a second look. I always have to remind myself that they are grown men, not the three punk older brothers who scared off all of my male friends and drew mustaches on my boy-band posters. They stand when I reach the table at the restaurant, and I give them each a hug.
I know something is up immediately when our usual warm embraces are cold with tension, and Ben looks around the table quickly to check that they are all ready to start whatever conversation they want to have with me.
“Spit it out,” I say suspiciously as I sit down. “What’s this about?” I take the menu from the waiter who has appeared beside me and glare at Ben as he adjusts his tie and waits for the waiter to leave.
He looks quickly around the restaurant. “What the hell are you playing at, Madeline?” he asks in a low voice, bringing his eyes to mine with a look of disapproval.
I breathe in deeply and bite back my anger. “What is it you think you know, Ben?” I reach for my water and bring the cold, dewy glass to my lips.
Ben’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes, and I notice Brandon and Caleb are looking a little peaked.
“Don’t play games with us. We love you and are looking out for you. Greg is a great guy and we have big plans for him in the company.”
“And?” I ask.
“And,” Ben continues, “I heard you’ve been seen around campus with one of the football players. It’s below you, Madeline, hooking up with some underachieving jock when you’re supposed to be with Greg.”
“Ben, none of this is any of your business.” I keep my voice calm and professional, although inside I want to scream at him to stay out of my life.
“You are our business, Madeline. You’re screwing with a good thing and you’re going to throw away your future and embarrass the family in the process. You can’t make good connections and build your own career if you’re following around some player town to town while he fulfills his contract. There’s always some cheating scandal if not a doping one. I don’t have time to put out your fires.” Ben shifts position in his chair.
I look to Brandon and Caleb and while they do not have as much conviction about this as Ben, they agree with him.
“No one asked you to waste your time managing my life,” I answer. “I just want room to breathe. What if Greg isn’t for me? I don’t feel any passion for him—we’re just friends.” I glance at Caleb, who usually backs me up, but he can’t even look me in the eyes.
“Madeline, we want you to be happy,” Ben says. “I think we can all agree you’re an adult now and we can’t stop you from engaging in an adult relationship anymore. But I didn’t realize you would be willing to put your future on hold over a crush. We have a responsibility to the family business. Dad will be retiring soon, along with three of the lead area managers. We need you here and focused. You’ll really be letting us down if you don’t pick up your responsibilities once you graduate. This football player is a passing thing—trust me. Let’s hope he has some sort of brain under that football helmet, but chances are, he just wants one thing from you and when he gets it, he’ll be gone. If the press gets word of this, they’ll drag your name and our family name through the dirt. We don’t have time to devote to cleaning that up. We need to focus our PR people on the Vegas deal right now. Greg’s been a perfect gentleman; he respects you and this family. Don’t fuck that up. It’s easy.” He sighs.
And for a second, I can see the weight he’s carrying on his shoulders. He’s second in charge under our father. It’s a lot. If I marry Greg, it will make one thing in his life simple. Uncomplicated.
We now have the attention of a few of the tables around us and Caleb shoots a look to Brandon before trying to smooth things over. “Madeline, Greg is a good guy. I don’t know what’s going on between you two but I’m sure it’s something that can be worked out.” When he reaches out to touch my hand, I pull it away as if he has burned me.
“For the record, Greg is the one who suggested we take a break, Ben. And who I sleep with is my business. I don’t ask you who you sleep with and would never pressure you to be in a relationship that didn’t make you happy.” I move to signal our waiter but then think better of it when Ben leans forward, closing the distance between us.
“Madeline, we can sit here and pretend that the world we live in has come a long way and that your sex life and my sex life will be judged on the same scale, but that would be a waste of our time. Apparently, you haven’t learned the art of discretion. Can you name one girl I have slept with? No, you can’t, because I keep it that way. Do what you want in private—but quit making out like a teenager in public. If we hear about it, so does Greg.”
I hadn’t even considered that and it drains the blood from my face. Greg. If my brothers have heard about my time with Jackson then he has, too. I swallow hard and place my forearms on the table with my palms flat down to brace myself against the sudden feeling of floating outside of my body. Oh my God, I need t
o talk to Greg.
“Madeline, he knows about the quarterback.” Caleb reaches out again and touches my hand, and this time I let him. “I talked to his assistant this morning and she said he isn’t focused at work. You owe him the courtesy of telling him what’s happening. He loves you. He loves you completely independently of what we want for you, independently of what Dad can do for him, and in spite of what you’ve been doing.”
I look up at Caleb and fight the tears as they begin to fill my eyes. Brandon squirms uncomfortably at my side. I can’t believe I didn’t think about my time with Jackson getting back to Greg. I hate our tight social network, the eyes on every corner. I scoot my chair back and place my napkin on the table.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t be with Greg until I know I won’t have regrets. Whatever happens when Greg comes home, I’ll make sure it is not an embarrassment to this family. I’d never expect him to give up his position in the company either. I hear your message and I’ll be more careful in the future, but let’s get one thing clear—it is my future. I have to find my own way.”
Ben opens his mouth to speak, but I’m not finished.
“I’ll see you in two weeks, and not one minute before. Stay out of this. Trust me to handle my life with dignity and competence.” I turn from the table and manage to reach the front exit before the tears start to fall.
It takes all of my strength to get back to my car and away from the heartbreak that just took place at that table. I drive through the city on autopilot, not paying attention to the time or where I am going, just trying to feel some peace about what took place at lunch.
I pull over across the street from my apartment as the sun begins to set and close my eyes. At the moment, I’m trapped in my car. I can’t go inside and be with Abby and her troubles. That makes me a terrible friend but if I go in there, we’ll both drown in our sadness. I open my eyes and stare up at the building as lights begin to come on. I don’t have the courage to call Greg. I can’t imagine what I would say to him, so instead I leave my car and cross the street.