“I was in no position to risk calling her bluff. Not with a baby to think about. But, believe it or not, I planned to go against her and tell you.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No. Before I could you said you’d enlisted in the army because you were lost, struggling. You and your mother didn’t get along and your life had no purpose. So you signed a recruitment contract.”
“If I’d known about the baby, I might have been able to change things.”
“My body, my life,” she said. “I was pregnant and my body was going to change. I accepted those consequences. But you were making plans for your life and I didn’t want to be the reason those plans didn’t work out.”
“So you’re a saint and I’m a sinner?” Luke saw her flinch at his jab but it wasn’t as satisfying as he’d expected.
“I probably deserve that but lashing out at me isn’t going to change anything.” Then her mouth pulled tight and regret hovered in her eyes for a moment. “Whether you like it or not, we share a daughter. What are you going to do about it?”
“I have an obligation to her.”
“She’s a blessing in every way, not a duty.” There was steel in her voice. Mother lion in full-on protection mode.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“Do I?” One delicate eyebrow lifted. “I haven’t seen you in years. How would I know what your priorities are? I haven’t seen much of your mother either.”
“Because she rented out the house. Now she wants to sell and I’m here to fix it up and handle the details for her. She moved to an adult community in Phoenix.”
“So your relationship hasn’t improved in all this time. You couldn’t be under the same roof during that process?”
Although they never talked about the past, he and his mom were actually getting along better. Maybe because he wasn’t an angry, aimless jerk. “She was in a hurry to move on with the next part of her life and I offered to help.”
Shelby nodded. “That’s your issue and none of my business, really. But Emma is my priority. And judging by your self-righteous indignation, you want to be in her life.”
“Of course.” The answer was automatic.
“Do you want me to smooth the process of getting to know her? Be a go-between to make it easier?”
“No.” That was automatic and adamant. He didn’t want anything from her. “I can handle it.”
“Okay then. The only thing I ask is that you let me talk to her first. Explain things in a way she’ll understand.”
“You mean make me look like the jerk who abandoned you and her?”
“I’ll tell her the truth and make sure she understands that you didn’t know about her. But she’s nine, Luke. I have to pick the words carefully.” She sighed. “Do you want to be there when I do? Keep me honest?”
She’d betrayed him in the most elemental way possible so the word honest coming out of her beautiful mouth was hard to take. And the fact that he could still think she was beautiful felt wrong, but couldn’t be helped. Did he want to be there when she talked to Emma?
“I—You better.” He had no idea what to say because he didn’t know anything about her. That was on Shelby. “After you tell her, I want time with her.”
“Okay.” They exchanged phone numbers and she promised to call and set up a meeting between them right away. “I’ll be in touch, Luke.”
He wouldn’t hold his breath on that but at least he knew where to find her. And that was all he knew about this Shelby Richards. She’d been a gifted student years ago but he had no clue what she did for a living. Speaking of living, she was still at her mom’s which led him to believe she wasn’t married. That didn’t mean there wasn’t a man in her life. His primitive negative reaction to that was a complete surprise. His long-ago rebellion rose up and resisted that thought.
But this day had been weird. He found out he was a father and his kid was nine years old. It made an odd kind of sense that his reaction to his long-ago love was weird, too. No way could he care for a woman who had lied to him in the most basic way by not telling him she was going to have his child.
Nope. Their only connection in the future would be handing off that child because now that he finally knew about Emma, he had nine years to make up for.
* * *
As she walked next door, Shelby could feel Luke’s stare burning a hole in her back. Seeing him again was surreal. The passion in him that mesmerized her before was still there. Unfortunately it was fueled by his hostility toward her now, because of what she’d done. One could hardly blame him. She wanted badly to believe she’d done what was right but just a little while ago she’d questioned her actions while she and her mother peeked out the window at him.
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
The first step in untangling this mess was to tell Emma the truth and put it into some context that a nine-year-old could wrap her head around. This might be the first time ever that she’d wished to be gifted with words instead of math. How was she going to explain all this to a child who didn’t know about the birds and bees yet? She was hoping to postpone that conversation for as long as possible to preserve her innocence. Emma was a little girl, too young to understand wanting someone more than your next breath. So painfully in love that you had to give yourself to him and damn the consequences.
“Stick to the facts,” Shelby mumbled to herself. She opened the front door and walked inside.
Her mother was waiting for her. “Well?”
“What?”
“Luke. What did he say?”
That man bubbled and churned like a volcano about to erupt and it had been irresistible to a seventeen-year-old girl. A few minutes ago she’d seen emotions stirring, making his eyes dark as coals, but he’d kept himself in check. Clearly he was shocked, angry and sarcastic but his responses and questions were completely reasonable. All things considered.
“The guy I remember wouldn’t have been so restrained.”
“I don’t know what that means.” Her mother’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“He wants to get to know Emma. And he has every right.” Shelby added that because she expected pushback.
“But is that good for her?” Pam folded her arms over her chest. “We don’t know anything about him.”
“Mom—”
“Don’t ‘Mom’ me. He was willful and wild. He had more than one brush with the law. Do you want your child with a man like that? Does he have a job? Will he be a bad influence on her? She’s just a baby.”
“I wish she was. This would be so much easier.”
Shelby loved her mother and was grateful for everything she’d done. But there were times she wanted her to be wrong. This time she wasn’t. “Let’s put aside the question of what’s good for her until it becomes relevant. She’s been asking questions about her father and now she knows the truth. Plus there’s Luke to consider. He’s her father and keeping her from him is not just wrong. It could create problems.”
“Such as?”
“He could sue for legal rights. What if he tries to take her away from me because I kept her from him?”
Pam’s face went white. “He wouldn’t.”
“I’m not willing to push the issue and find out.” Shelby’s head was starting to pound. “Let’s take this one step at a time. The first thing I have to do is explain this situation to Emma as best I can.”
“Maybe you should talk to the school counselor first.”
At the high school where Shelby taught math there was a counselor who helped kids academically, socially and emotionally. She was a good friend and it was an excellent suggestion. Unfortunately Shelby didn’t think Emma would tolerate a delay while her mom discussed this with a mental health care professional. She would have to wing it.
“This has waited lon
g enough and I don’t think she’ll be put off. She’s willful and stubborn like Luke. She’s also angry and confused.” The expression on her girl’s face was just like his. Now that she thought about it, he must have seen the resemblance because he never asked if Emma was his child. “I’ll tell her now.”
“Just answer her questions,” Pam said. “She’s going to have a lot.”
That was good advice. Her mother knew Emma almost as well as she did. “You’re right. I’ll give her the broad strokes and let her ask whatever she wants. She can only grasp so much right now. As she gets older things will occur to her and she’ll probably want to know more until Luke being around is the new normal.”
“If he sticks around.” Pam shrugged. “He left once. There’s no reason to believe he won’t do it again.”
Shelby couldn’t deny that and now that Emma knew about him she would be affected if he left. She made a mental note to find out what his intentions were.
“Where is Emma?”
“She went straight to her room,” her mother answered.
Shelby took a deep breath. “Wish me luck.”
Slowly she walked upstairs, testing out what to say, how to open this explosive dialogue. Everything she came up with was so lame it made her want to slap herself. In the second room on the left, Emma was sitting on the carpet by her bed. She was holding the ragged stuffed bear she always grabbed when she was upset. The sheer number of stuffed animals in her room was impressive but she had two go-tos. A koala Grammy bought her on a trip to San Diego that she slept with. And this one with a missing eye and a rip in his foot was for emotional support. It looked sad and anxious, just like Emma did now.
Shelby glanced around the room with its pale pink walls and white-painted doors and baseboards. Lace curtains crisscrossed the window. A white wooden chest that held dolls and their clothes along with games sat underneath. The twin bed was neatly made with a princess-themed spread and matching throw pillows.
She loved this child more than anything and had mostly forgotten the time when she was pregnant and afraid because when Emma was born it was love at first sight. It seemed impossible for that feeling to get bigger, yet it had. And just like that she knew how to open this conversation that needed to happen.
“I love you, baby girl.” She sat down on the rug in front of her child. “Before you were born I loved you, but when they put you in my arms—when I saw that sweet round face and those tiny hands and feet, the love was so big—”
“Bigger than the ocean?” Emma loved hearing about the day she was born.
“Way bigger. To the moon and back,” she answered.
“Was he there when I was born?” The little girl glanced toward the window that looked out on the house next door where her father was moving in.
“Like he told you... His name is Luke McCoy. And no, he wasn’t there.”
“Why? Where was he?”
“He joined the army and went away.” Shelby remembered her mother’s advice about answering questions and stopped there.
Emma clutched the bear tighter to her chest. “Did he have to be a soldier?”
She thought about how to respond to that because answers had nuance. “No. He went voluntarily.”
“How come?” Dark eyes—Luke’s eyes—stared at her, trying to understand.
“Well—” She wanted to be honest without negativity impacting a little girl’s opinion and future relationship with the father she’d just met. Words mattered and she chose them carefully. “He didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. So he decided to be a soldier and serve his country while he figured that out.”
Shelby glanced at the doorway where her own mother now stood. The two of them had raised this girl together and she loved her, too. But she sent her a look, a warning to not say anything. Pam moved her head slightly, showing she understood.
Emma didn’t respond for a few moments, then finally asked, “Is he still a soldier?”
“I don’t know.” There was so much to take in she hadn’t thought about it. She had no idea what he did for a living, or anything else about him since the last time she’d seen him.
“Why don’t you know?”
Shelby knew her child, knew there were multiple questions layered into that single one. Her group of friends all had fathers who’d been around their whole lives. Emma was different and in her nine-year-old experience Shelby knew everything. So there had to be a reason she didn’t know this.
“Peanut, when I was expecting you, your father and I weren’t married.”
“How come?”
A billion reasons, but she wouldn’t understand any of them. Shelby came up with what she thought would be the easiest thing for Emma to take in. “I still had to finish high school and Luke, your father, had to go in the army because he signed a contract promising he would.”
She looked puzzled and her mouth trembled a little, an indication her feelings were hurt. “My friend Natalie’s father went away for work and he called her every day. She could see him on the computer. And he could see her. Maybe soldiers don’t have computers.”
Shelby couldn’t and wouldn’t let this be on Luke. It was all her and her mom. She glanced at Pam and saw the negative head movement. Nope, this time she wasn’t going to throw him under the bus.
She took a deep breath. “Baby, your father didn’t know about you. That’s why he didn’t call.”
Dark eyes grew wide. “You didn’t tell him I was in your tummy?”
“No.” Please don’t ask how you got in there, Shelby prayed.
“Why not?”
“I know you hate it when grown-ups say it’s complicated but it is. And you’re too young to understand all the reasons. So this is one of those times I have to say it. He had to go away. There was no way for him to get out of it. And I thought it would be easier for him if he didn’t have to worry about things at home.”
“You mean the way Karen worries about Buster when they go see her grandma and grandpa?”
Shelby smiled. “Buster is a dog so that’s a little different, but it was kind of like that.” Shelby watched emotions tumble and roll through the big, dark eyes and hoped this would be sufficient for now.
Finally Emma nodded and her expression brightened a little. “He lives next door now?”
“He’s going to fix up the house for his mother.”
“The lady who used to live there?”
“I’m not sure which one you mean because the house has been rented several times to different families. But your father’s mother owns it.” The woman who was her other grandmother. Shelby just realized this nightmare was like quicksand. For every step forward she sank a little deeper and felt a whole lot worse. “After he fixes it up he’s going to sell it for her.”
“That means he’ll move away, too?”
“Yes.” Shelby was pretty sure this conversation had moved beyond the past and was heading into “what do we do now” territory. “He wants to get to know you, Emma.”
“Really?” She suddenly sounded hesitant and looked uncertain.
“He made that very clear.” Along with the fact that he was mad as hell at Shelby.
“But you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” Pam spoke for the first time.
Emma toyed with her bear’s only remaining button eye. “I guess I want to see him, Grammy.”
“Are you sure, sweetie? You do have a choice.”
Shelby knew that tone in her mother’s voice. The one where the words were right but there was an implied warning, a hint that said don’t do it.
Shelby looked at her daughter and put all the reassurance possible into her smile. “You think it over, kiddo. If you want to see him I will make it happen.”
“Okay.” She stood. “Can I watch cartoons while I think?”
“Yes.”
Shelby stood, too, and watched her little girl walk slowly out of the room. Moments later faint noise from downstairs indicated she’d turned on the TV. This time she would make sure Emma didn’t overhear the rest of this conversation.
She moved close to her mom who was still in the doorway and kept an eye on the hallway. “Mom, he’s her father. He wants to see her and I won’t stand in the way.”
“Shelby, he’s trouble—”
“He’s an adjustment for her and for me. Not trouble. Not yet. I’m not sure what legal rights he has, if any, but I’m going to find out. At this point there’s nothing to be gained by backing him into a corner. The Luke I remember wouldn’t take it well.”
“We’ll get an attorney—”
“If she decides she wants to see him, Mom, I’m going to let her. I never want her to wonder about him. After that we’ll just deal with whatever happens.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“So do I.”
Chapter Two
Dinner at the Richardses’ house that night was about as much fun as a wardrobe malfunction in an algebra class of teenagers looking for any distraction from math. Shelby was caught between her mother’s obvious disapproval and Emma’s curiosity and confusion at the prospect of having a father. It was hard being the one in the middle who could see both sides.
“What is he like? My dad?” Emma picked up a chicken leg from her plate and took a bite.
“I honestly don’t know now.” Shelby pushed her own food around. With her stomach in knots she didn’t have much appetite. “It’s been ten years since I last saw him. People change.”
“Not that much. Leopards don’t change their spots.” Her mother’s mouth twisted as if the broccoli she’d just eaten was a sour lemon.
“You don’t like him, Grammy?”
“I didn’t say that.” Pam got Shelby’s warning look and backed off. “It’s just that he had some growing up to do.”
“I wonder if he likes soccer,” Emma mused.
It was her current sports obsession. She was athletic, a trait from Luke. He played high school football and baseball while Shelby tripped over her own feet. “If he doesn’t know the game you can teach him about it. I’m sure he’d like to learn about anything you’re interested in.”
Daughter on His Doorstep Page 2