by Amanda Tru
He winced. Jolene buried her face behind her cup of coffee and took a large, scalding gulp.
“If Chelsea were here, I’d beg her to forgive me too, even though that girl was so loyal she could never bring herself to see me for what I really was. But you did, and you stayed by my side far longer than anyone would have expected you to. I’m sorry that I dragged you down with me. Like I said earlier, I don’t expect anything from you anymore. You don’t even have to tell me you forgive me. But I …” He cleared his throat.
“I saw you with those flowers last night, and I got jealous. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how selfish that was of me. Since our earliest days, since college when we were young and crazy and in love with each other, I’ve wished you nothing but happiness. And since I obviously couldn’t bring you the happiness you deserve, I came here to tell you that … Well, I want you to know that … What I’m trying to say is as long as he’s good to you, I’m happy. I don’t want you to go into any future relationship, no matter how serious it is, feeling guilty for moving on.”
His stare was so intense she could feel her face heating up.
“That’s what I came here to say.”
“That’s all?” Jolene raised her eyes to his. Remembered how at one point she could lose herself in his gaze, those eyes that held the promise of all the happiness and excitement the universe had to offer.
Eyes that now may as well have belonged to a stranger.
He nodded his head once. “That’s all.” He waited. “Are you going to say something?”
Her phone beeped at her. “My Uber’s here.”
She could hear his throat muscles work while he swallowed. “Oh. Ok. Well, then, I guess this is goodbye?”
What was she supposed to say? What did he expect?
“Or if you wanted, you could cancel the car and we could …”
Could what? Jolene waited.
He raised an eyebrow. “Share a snack? Let me buy you something?”
There was more behind his words than she wanted to admit. A hopefulness that made suspect the spiel he’d just given her of how he’d chased her down a mountain so they could have some sort of closure before pursuing separate lives.
Or was she reading too much into it?
At this point, she was so exhausted and confused she wouldn’t have trusted herself to make any type of decision.
Her phone beeped again. “I have to go.”
“Ok.” Did his expression fall, or was that just her mind trying to make sense of this entire exchange? “I’m sorry,” she stammered.
“Don’t apologize.” He stood up when she did. Gave a smile that for once didn’t seem to demand anything in return. “I’m glad I ran into you before you left. You’re sure you don’t want to stay?”
This time, the earnestness in his gaze was unmistakable. This was Joseph, her ex-husband, who’d just apologized to her, taken responsibility for all the ways he’d messed up her life, and he was asking her to stay.
For a snack.
What could it hurt?
She took in a deep breath and stared out the window of the store. “My car’s waiting.”
“Your car. Right.” He followed her to the door and held it open. “Looks like it’s raining again. Do you have an umbrella?”
She shook her head.
“Want mine?”
She let out her breath. Why was he doing this to her? “No. Thank you,” she added and reached for the door handle.
“Little rain never hurt nobody?” he offered weakly.
The words were so familiar, bringing back memories of happiness and love, memories that were now permanently tarnished by grief and pain.
She stepped outside, where it had started to drizzle, and got into the Uber before she could change her mind. Resisting the urge to look back, she buckled her seatbelt as the driver began his descent down the mountain.
If there had been any doubt left in Joseph’s mind, the last five minutes had dispelled it all.
There was nothing left for him in Seoul.
The ride back to his hotel was long and belabored, just like his current wait in the rain for the bus that would take him to the Incheon airport. It was pouring, but that didn’t matter.
A little rain never hurt nobody.
He had to get out of this city.
What had he been thinking back there? No matter what happened in the future, he’d look back on that pathetic little speech in that cheesy souvenir shop with a mix of embarrassment and disappointment. He’d bared his heart, bared his entire soul, only to get brushed off by the woman he’d loved for decades.
Not that he’d expected a big, sappy reunion with Jolene crying onto his shoulder and proclaiming her forgiveness. But a little something might have been nice. How about I forgive you, or It means a lot to me that you took the time to say those things? No. Not so much as a Good to see you again, Joseph. Have a great life.
Nothing.
He may as well have been pouring his heart out to a bowl of noodles.
Oh, well. What should he have expected? Maybe his redemption wasn’t as much about finding closure with Jolene. Maybe it was about the fact that he’d finally taken responsibility for his actions. What Jolene did with that was her problem, not his.
It was so easy to revert back to old habits, to bitterness. How many reasons would he find to be angry at her before the day was through? After running halfway down a mountainside just to talk to her, and she couldn’t spare an extra five or ten minutes because she had a driver waiting?
It wasn’t his problem anymore. That’s what he had to keep on reminding himself. He’d done what he needed to do to move on. Isn’t that what he’d set out for in the first place? If he’d expected any major cathartic healing to take place between the two of them, he’d been a fool.
A fool who would now have to accept the fact that he’d humiliated himself in front of a woman who couldn’t care less about him. That’s what he’d misjudged. For some blindly arrogant, foolish reason, he assumed that Jolene had spent the past five years pining away for him, wishing for that apology that felt like crumbles of cement in his mouth after he delivered it.
And she hadn’t even cared. His words meant nothing to her. He may as well have been a pushy salesman trying to sell her cosmetics in a crowded Seoul marketplace.
Well, at least his conscience was free now. There was nothing left except get out of Seoul, nurse his bruised ego, and move on. Try to maintain some sense of the spiritual excitement and energy he’d experienced on top of that mountain.
And maybe now, maybe with that long overdue apology finally out of the way, he could move on with his life and try to maintain that true and lasting peace.
“Mena told me to apologize to you that she’s late. I’m here to pick you up and bring you to dinner.”
Jin-Sun smiled comfortably at Jolene at the doorway of her hanok. If he noticed the puffy black outlines around her eyes, he was kind enough not to say anything.
She cleared her throat, trying to erase the last traces of her recent cry-fest. “Thanks. Let me grab my shoes, and I’ll be ready.”
“You might want to bring an umbrella too. It’s been raining all afternoon.”
As if she hadn’t noticed.
The short walk to the subway tunnel gave Jolene time to compose herself. In a way, she was glad it was Jin-Sun here and not Mena. She still needed time before she could pretend to function like a normal adult.
Whatever Joseph had set out to do that afternoon at the Seoul Tower, he’d accomplished. If his purpose was to make her feel guilty for all the bitterness she’d harbored against him, he’d been far more successful than he could have ever imagined. Same thing if his goal was to send her into a spiral of chaotic emotions that tore her insides to shreds.
It wasn’t right. How could you apologize to someone in a way that left them feeling even guiltier than they already did? Joseph had been a master at manipulation during their marriage, but this
felt different.
As much as it confused her to admit, she suspected he was trying to be helpful. Trying to do what he thought was the right thing. As if a conversation like that crammed into the few minutes Jolene had left before she had to catch her car were somehow supposed to bring healing to such a broken relationship.
No, that wasn’t it, either. He wasn’t trying to get back together with her, thank God. So what was he trying to do? Absolve himself of guilt? Then why would he humble himself like that? It wasn’t like him, and that’s what she couldn’t understand.
Maybe he really was a new man like he claimed.
But as often as the thought occurred to her, she had to shut it down. Remind herself that addicts don’t change. Adulterers don’t change. Sure, they might feel guilty. They might feel remorse when they get caught or even experience a twinge of compassion for the people they’ve hurt, but in the end, the root issues are still the root issues.
An addict doesn’t recover overnight like that.
Then again, it had been over four years since the divorce. Maybe he really had …
No. She wasn’t going to think about that. What good would it do? The second she thought that Joseph might have seriously turned his life around—a feat he’d claimed yet failed to achieve a thousand times since their wedding—she started to think about all the other what ifs.
What if he learned to finally keep his word?
What if he learned to finally take responsibility for his actions?
What if he learned to finally break his addiction?
Then how do you explain the beer on his breath last night? Sure, he denied drinking anything. His words hadn’t been slurred, not yet. He hadn’t acted drunk. But the moment she opened herself up to hope, she became vulnerable again.
And she had to protect herself.
It was pure and simple common sense.
Had she already forgotten the basics? After years trying to find healing and wholeness after Chelsea’s death and Joseph’s infidelity, was she so stupid that she’d consider giving him a second chance?
Except he hadn’t asked for a second chance. So why did she feel so disappointed, as if that conversation should have ended differently? What else should she have done?
What else could she have done?
“You got your money pass?” Jin-Sun asked when they reached the bottom stairs.
“Yeah.” After fumbling through her purse, Jolene swiped her subway card, thankful that this time someone who knew the underground system was leading her.
She was so tired of walking down dead ends, trying to reach some impossible destination.
She was so tired of feeling lost.
“I don’t know what I’m thinking,” Joseph confessed.
Chuck sighed on the other end of the line. “These matters of the heart are always complicated. In fact, if my wife were here right now, I’d have you talk to her instead of me.” Chuck laughed, and even though Joseph knew he was joking, he didn’t see how his sponsor could find any humor in this situation.
“You made the right choice,” he finally announced. “It wasn’t easy, but it was the godly thing to do. I’m mighty proud of you.” Chuck had perfected the paternal tone, but Joseph still wasn’t sure he believed his words. If he’d had done the right thing, why did it feel like he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life?
“You can’t hold onto her forever. At some point, you have to let her go.” Chuck’s words were filled with wisdom. Joseph knew that much, but it didn’t mean he liked what he heard. If he’d done the godly thing like Chuck had claimed, wouldn’t you expect God to reward him? Convinced Jolene to give him a second chance?
Or a thousandth chance, as the case may be.
“When you told her that you wanted her to be happy,” Chuck asked, “did you mean it?”
Joseph should end the phone call right now. Why did this conversation sound like such a good idea a few minutes ago? “Of course I meant it.”
“Even if what makes her happy is a relationship with another man? Even getting engaged to him? Marrying him?”
“I don’t know.” Joseph couldn’t keep the explosive anger out of his voice. At least the sidewalk was crowded enough and the noise from the street loud enough that nobody would care if he lost his cool.
“God promises to reward us when we follow his Word. He doesn’t promise to make all our troubles go away or to make things turn out the way we hope they will.”
Joseph let out a sigh. “Yeah, I know.” Yelling wasn’t the answer. Apparently, nothing was the answer.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this hurt, son.”
“Thanks.”
“I’d love to pray for you if you’ve got the time.”
Joseph always felt silly listening to his sponsor pray over the phone, but he figured right now he could use all the extra encouragement from heaven he could get.
“All right. That sounds good.”
“Dear God,” Chuck began, and he covered Joseph’s angry, disappointed soul with his prayers.
Jin-Sun seemed happy to carry the conversation as they made their way from the subway station to the restaurant. Jolene was grateful. She’d done her best to shove Joseph out of her conscious thoughts, but keeping him there in the abyss where he belonged was taking nearly all her mental energy.
The one thing she could do was listen, and so she did, occasionally asking questions to keep the discussion rolling. Jin-Sun told her about his school in North Korea, about his friends there, the games they’d played, the tricks they’d devised during the worst of the famine to steal from unsuspecting travelers.
“What about when you escaped?” she asked. “What’s the underground railroad like?”
He sucked in his lips for a second. “Actually, Freedom Korea has to keep that information somewhat classified. I can’t give a whole lot of details.”
“Oh.” She should have known. But how could she?
Before she could stammer a better reply, Jin-Sun continued, “But I can tell you our network stretches throughout Southeast Asia. It’s very elaborate. We work with some of the most courageous men and women who are committed to bringing refugees to safety.”
“That’s really neat.”
For the first time since they got off the subway, he went more than five seconds without speaking. She hurried to change the subject. “And you and Mena. She said you’ve been dating for about a year?”
His face lit, and she could almost feel the heaviness lift from his shoulders. “Yes, she’s the one I mentioned who led me to Christ after I arrived here. We attended the same church too, but it wasn’t until I started working at the Freedom Korea offices we got serious. I’m so happy the Lord brought us together.”
The words sent pangs of remorse and regret shooting through her soul.
“Well, you and Mena, you’re so happy together. You can tell you’re perfect for one another.”
“Thank you. It took me forever to get the nerve to ask her out, so I’m glad she waited for me.”
“What took you so long?”
She expected Jin-Sun’s smile to brighten like it always did when he talked about his bride-to-be, but instead, he frowned. “I’d been in love with a girl back home. Don’t feel bad. Mena knows all about my past. I was in love with someone else, but she betrayed me when she learned about my mother’s connection to the underground church.” He held up his hand, which was missing two fingers. “That’s how I lost these.”
Jolene couldn’t keep from staring. “How did … When were you …”
He shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets. “It’s ok. It was a long time ago, and the Lord has brought me so much healing. But it wasn’t until I learned how to forgive this woman from my past that I found the freedom in my heart to ask Mena to be my girlfriend.” The lovestruck smile lit his features once more. “And soon my bride.”
Jolene couldn’t help but return his grin, even though her heart was miles away, at a little gift shop
near the base of Seoul Tower.
Seoul had nothing for him anymore. That’s what he kept telling himself as he dragged his suitcase onto the curb and wheeled it into the Incheon Airport.
So why did he feel like he was leaving everything behind?
He was stupid to think he could visit Seoul Tower and not be impacted, not be reminded of his daughter every single second. When he boarded that plane, it would be like saying goodbye to her again.
Losing her again.
But there was more to it than that. If God ever gave him and Jolene one more chance at reconciliation, today was it. And instead of begging her to give him another shot, he’d spouted off some drivel about wanting nothing more than for her to be happy.
He realized as he made his way to the counter that he’d been lying pathetically.
At least he hoped that marriage counselor would love her the way she deserved.
The way Joseph had tried to and failed.
He couldn’t complain. She’d given him more than his fair share of chances, and he’d blown them all one by one. Like a walking midlife cliché with a drinking problem.
The kind thing now would be to release her. Pray for her happiness. Wish her and this boyfriend of hers all the joy in the world.
Except the thought of Jolene with another man made his intestines knot up while he stood in line at the ticket counter.
He would always love her. May as well face it. There would always be some sort of spark there when he thought of her. The one who got away … thirty years later. It was too late for him and Jolene.
The ticket agent was ready for him. He grabbed his suitcase.
Time for him to move on.
Time to leave Seoul for good.