After an hour of hearing:
“Please tilt your chin up ever so slightly, Lady?”
“Could you pull in your tummy a bit, Lady Billingsley?”
“Stop hunching—I mean could you please sit a bit taller, my Lady?”
“Would you stop biting your lip, Lady Billingsley?”
“And well done Prince Cristoph! It seems you just can’t take a bad picture!”
I wouldn’t mind if I was ever in the spotlight—ever again.
Chapter 26
And then there was the Trying-on-of-the-Wedding-Gowns-and-Bridesmaid-Dresses Event held in one of the smaller palace ballrooms. In attendance were a dozen servants and assistants, Queen Cheree, Duchess Carolina von Sauerhausen, two seamstresses, one photographer, two designers who’d flown in at the last minute from London and Rome, my Ladies-in-Waiting, our dogs, as well as the girlies.
Cheryl’s girls, Diana and Violet, ran around the room playing hide and seek with Jeannie Beanie, the little ladies and the dogs.
The event was catered—no yummy BBQ this time. Just finger-foods, sparkling water and a little bubbly. The assistants helped me as I tried on gown after gown.
“I can’t believe that someone tampered with that protective netting,” Carolina said. “Your papa and I had no idea there had been an incident until we got the phone call from the police department. We were frantic with worry, but Joan texted me and said you were safe and sound and staying with Esmeralda.”
“My Ladies take such great care of me,” I said. “There’s nothing you or Papa could have done.” My eyes swiveled until I found Joan in the crowd. “Hey Joan Brady!”
“What?” she asked as an assistant helped her try on a bridesmaid dress. “I don’t like this one Elizabeth. It looks like a cupcake exploded all over me.”
“No worries. We will not pick exploding cupcake dresses for the bridesmaids. I just wanted to say thanks for helping last night.”
She waved her hand. “I’m good at passing along the information and smoothing things over. I’m a barrister, but I pride myself on using my lawyer powers for good—instead of being a control-freak, power hungry asshat, who tries to take advantage of people when they’re going through a tough time. Unfortunately, I’ve met more than a few of those types.”
I gave her a thumbs up. “I think your superior communication skills and ability to finesse might be your Ladies-in-Waiting Super Power!”
She laughed.
Cheryl ran after the girls, who were now pulling each other’s hair. “Stop it!” she said. “Ladies do not pull other Ladies’ hair. Unless you want to be professional wrestlers. And so help me God, if any of you aspire to that, I will ship all of you off to boarding school. Even if I’m not your mother.”
“I don’t know.” Carolina wrung her gloved hands. “I’m starting to worry. Who could have tampered with those nets?”
“Don’t worry about it. Let the police and Secret Service figure it out,” I said. “I don’t think who ever did this is after you or Papa. But if you’re worried, maybe you should stay at a hotel.”
“We’re moving to my chateau until the wedding’s over. I think you should come with us. There’s plenty of room. We hired armed guards.”
I glanced at Esmeralda, who shook her head, ‘No’.
“I’m fine at the hotel, really. The suite’s lovely. And it’s so close to the castle. There are so many things to get done before the wedding. And the chateau’s about…”
Esmeralda held up four fingers on one hand and five on her other.
“… forty-five minutes away from the capitol, yes?” I asked.
“Yes,” Carolina said. “But you would be safe.”
“Duchess von Sauerhausen.” Esmeralda curtseyed with some effort.
If I had to guess, I’d say she hadn’t done that in quite a while.
“My recommendation—if you don’t mind?” Esmeralda asked.
Carolina nodded.
“Relax. Enjoy. Show up for the important events. Elizabeth’s Ladies-in-Waiting will take care of the details. Stop worrying.”
“But what if something terrible happens to Elizabeth? I would be distraught,” Carolina said.
I was deep inside a gown and felt like I was drowning in tulle, but still managed to peek at her. I could swear she covered a small smile. How much did I really know about Papa’s fiancé?
Could Duchess Carolina von Sauerhausen have been the person who sliced the netting? Did she want me/Elizabeth dead? And if so—why?
I kept my eye on Carolina as the hours ticked by while I tried on a hundred dresses and despised eighty of them.
“Oh, I love that one,” Cheryl said. “You look sexy and enchanting. I used to look that way too—back in the day.”
“You still look that way today,” I said. “This isn’t the one for me. I’m a little too fleshy for the lace cutouts.”
“I met my husband wearing a dress that looked almost exactly like that,” Cheryl said. “We were at a charity gala raising funds for the tsunami victims. He strode across a crowded dance floor with fire in his eyes and asked me if I wanted to dance. He was so handsome and commanding. I said yes. He practically took my breath away. Seven years later, he only has fire in his eyes when he watches a soccer match on TV. And the only time I’m knocked over is when one of my girls tackles me.”
“Do you still love him?” I asked her as an assistant unzipped the lacy dress and helped me out of it.
“Of course!” Cheryl said. “If Lucas saw me in that dress? He’d turn off the damn soccer game, forget we had kids and we’d be doing the between-the-sheets tango all over again.”
When the girlies screamed and hollered. “You!” one girl said.
“No you!” the other girlie screamed.
“I’m a flower girl,” Jeannie stuck her tongue out at Cheryl’s daughter, Violet. “You don’t get to be anything in the wedding.”
“Oh yeah?” Violet asked. “My mommy’s a real Lady-in-Waiting and not some stupid flower girl. She’s a Blindsmaid.”
“That’s Bridesmaid, stupid.”
“I’m not stupid,” Violet said. “That’s my younger sister.”
“Wah!” Diana plunked on the floor and cried.
“Be right back.” Cheryl ran over, hugged her little one and whispered into her ear.
“Esmeralda! Joan!” I hissed. “I’ve got an idea.” They made their way toward me and we huddled with our arms around each other, our heads nearly touching as I whispered.
Joan smiled. “I’m happy to help you make that happen.”
“Most excellent.” Esmeralda pulled out her phone and hit one a key. “Larry. Lady Elizabeth has a request… no, not another death threat. Something a little different. Can you help… Excellent! I’ll text you the info. Make the calls, yes?” She fanned her cleavage. “Fabulous! You are my knight in shining armor. Thank you! Mwah!”
We finally picked THE dress. It was beautiful. It wasn’t really me but I think it probably was Elizabeth. Considering she’d be the one walking down the aisle—that’s really all that mattered. I must admit, I hedged a little bit. I said I was still really drawn to the gown with the lacey cut-outs. That was kind-of a lie. But that kind-of lie was for a really good reason…
As for picking the bridesmaid dresses—well that was a different story. Esmeralda wanted a gown cut low in the bodice to show off her cleavage. Cheryl desired a fitted gown to display her petite figure. Joan preferred something sleeveless to show-off her toned arms that she’d spent hours sculpting at the gym.
At this point I didn’t really care what Zara wanted as I wasn’t including her in Elizabeth’s wedding. If she wanted in, she could beg Elizabeth at the last minute. Personally—I was done with Zara. Although I will forever be grateful to her for insisting I get the full Brazilian. Which, sadly, was totally temporary and once again on the itinerary.
Carolina and Queen Cheree chose their ‘Mother-of the Bride and Groom’ dresses. (While technically, Carolina wasn’t Elizabeth�
��s mother—apparently she was playing the part for this gig.) Both gowns were exquisite. Each cost more than two years’ rent on my apartment.
Jeez, this was the most difficult day since my first day that I applied for the part-time job. All the gowns and fabrics and finery. All the negotiating over blush pink versus ecru and white and inlaid pearls and hints of lace and neckline dilemmas. Except for the thigh high, tightly pinching, pleather boots, I suddenly longed for the life of your average Southside Chicago cocktail waitress; especially one who worked at a biker bar called MadDog.
I glanced at my watch—there was a seven-hour time difference between Fredonia and Chicago. I missed Alida and Uncle John so much I practically hallucinated they were in front of me.
“I’ll be right back,” I said. “Must hit the Ladies Room.”
“I’m coming with you,” Esmeralda said.
“No, no,” I said. “Some things a girl has to do in private.”
“You never had to do that in private before,” she said. “I need to talk to you about the thing.”
“You don’t know what I’m doing in private,” I said.
“Well whatever it is, you’ve always done it in front of me before. I remember that time in Morocco…”
“Yes, yes, I know, but Morocco was the exception to the rule,” I said.
“Whatever,” Esmeralda said. “Look. I called—”
“Must see a man about a horse,” I said. “Back in a few. Tell Cheryl to try on the gown she liked with the lace cutouts. I command you, Lady Esmeralda.”
“Now you sound like the old Elizabeth,” Esmeralda said.
I giggled, gave her the royal wave and left the ballroom. I paced—a little gimpy—down a few corridors until I found an empty hallway. I lowered myself gingerly to the floor, leaned against a wall, pulled my phone from my purse and dialed. She picked up.
“I don’t know this number or the area code. You have three seconds to convince me you’re not a telemarketer before I hang up,” Alida said.
“It’s me!” I hissed. “Elizabeth—I mean Lucy.”
“Lucy?”
“Yes! Squee! I’m finally talking to you. How are you? How’s Mateo? I miss you so much!”
“Mateo’s kicking ass in Little League. I’m cool considering Mark Whitford still runs MadDog like Stalin ruled Russia. How’s the new job?” she asked. “When are you coming home? Why’d you call yourself Elizabeth? I miss you!”
“New job’s good and bad,” I said. “I’ll probably be home in two weeks. I totally miss you too! And just between you and me—like you totally have to promise—”
“I promise,” she said.
“Pinky swear?” I squirmed excitedly. “You can’t tell a soul.”
“Totally pinky swear. Who would I tell?”
I giggled and whispered. “I’m pretending to be Elizabeth because it’s part of my job.”
When I heard the harsh clip clop of shoes down the marble hallway, approaching me.
“That’s kind of freaky-weird,” Alida said. “Who’s Elizabeth and why are you pretending to be her?”
I looked up and froze as Nick approached me, a determined look on his handsome, stone cold sober face.
“Mwah! Love you! Must run!” I hung up.
We were toe to toe. His toes were obviously bigger than mine and he was much taller than me, especially considering he was standing and I was sitting.
“I had to hear—from a palace guard who’s shtooping Esmeralda by the way—that you were almost killed last night?” Nick held out his hand.
“The guard’s name is Larry.” I took his hand and he helped me to my feet.
“I know his name. We play blackjack once a month. After all we’ve been through Lizzie—why didn’t you call me?” Nick asked.
“I wanted to,” I said. “But when I saw you at the BBQ you seemed, well, occupied.”
“Ivanka’s a diversion,” he said.
“Just like I was for all those years?”
“It’s different between us now.”
“It’s different between us now because I’m engaged to your brother and you all are competitive. Must get back to the gown festivities.” I limped in the direction of the ballroom.”
He followed me. “That’s not why it’s different. Okay. Fine. Maybe that’s five percent why it’s different.”
I swiveled and glared at him. “What’s the other ninety-five percent?”
“Always the questions and answers with the new you. I don’t know. It’s the way you smell. You always used to smell like perfume. Now you smell—well, simple. Like how the air smells after a spring rain. Fresh. New. Like… hope.”
“That’s probably just my spring rain scented soap.” I resumed walking.
“It’s that funny way you bite your lip when you’re nervous.”
“I don’t bite my lip when I’m nervous,” I said and bit my lip. “I bite my lip when… when I’m thinking about something—like getting back to trying on wedding gowns and picking out flowers for the big day.”
He put his hands on my shoulders, squeezed them and stopped me in my tracks. “Look at me,” he said.
I turned and gazed up at him. His eyes were so blue, his lips so full, his gaze so intense as he stared down at me. “Tell me I mean nothing to you,” he said and pulled me to him. “Tell me you don’t care about me anymore. Tell me you’re over me once and for all and I will leave you alone. I need to hear you say it.”
I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood.
“I’ll be the best man at your wedding. I’ll toast your first bridal kiss at the reception. I’ll be the best uncle ever to your children. Just tell me, Lizzie. You’ve got to say it out loud. Or I’m not sure I can let this go. I’m not sure I can let you go.”
“I, I, I…”
Esmeralda poked her head around the corner and frowned. Then smiled sweetly. “Nick! How nice to run into you. I was just going to ring you. I can’t believe how perfect this timing is!” She clapped her hands. “Elizabeth—Queen Cheree and Giuseppe Felipe, the famous designer, are anxiously waiting your final decision about the inlaid pearls for your bodice. Over-night weddings don’t plan themselves you know! Chop-chop!”
I shimmied out from under Nick’s hands and loped back down the corridor, passing Esmeralda.
“I’m not letting this go,” he said.
“You have to,” I said.
“What were you thinking?” Esmeralda hissed.
“I’m thinking you’re going to spin this into what we talked about,” I whispered and took a few more steps.
“I’m thinking you’ve got some ’splaining to do—Lucy.”
I stopped in my tracks. Like seriously—I froze. Because on all those reruns of The Lucille Ball Show? Whenever Lucy’s husband Ricky got irritated with her—he’d say the same thing. Which meant that—
Esmeralda knew. She absolutely knew. Oh crap. My cover was blown.
Chapter 27
Esmeralda, Larry and I watched reruns of I Love Lucy with Cheryl’s kids, Violet and Diana, in their gigantic living room while we munched on popcorn prepared by their ancient, rickety live-in housekeeper.
“Mom and Dad are really going to be gone, together, one whole night?” Violet asked as she reclined on the floor snug in her sleeping bag next to Tulip.
“You cool with that?” I asked.
“Dad leaves all the time, but Mom’s always here,” Diana said.
“You know how you girls have play dates with your friends?” I asked.
“Yes,” they said.
“Your mom and dad needed a play date,” Esmeralda said.
“They’ll be back tomorrow. Hey look!” I pointed to the screen. “What is Lucy doing now?”
The girls giggled and Larry guffawed as Lucy stomped on grapes in a big outdoor tub, Lucy crammed chocolates into her mouth at the factory, and Lucy pretended to be Superman for her son’s party. Interspersed between the on-screen hilarity, Esmeralda and I whispered in hushed tones as
we confided—and we got real.
“I knew there was something off with you,” she said. “Elizabeth was never this thoughtful.”
“I’m sure she’s thoughtful in her own way,” I said. “Why did Zara spill the beans?”
“I called and told her about your possible murder attempt. I thought she should know. She’s your, I mean-Elizabeth’s, best friend, after all. She broke down and confided the gist of the situation. They hired and trained you to impersonate Elizabeth for a couple of weeks until she concluded her ‘pressing business’ in the States.”
“Yup,” I said. “That pretty much nails it. Was Zara the least bit upset that someone tried to kill me?”
“Zara’s always been a little icy,” Esmeralda said. “Similar to Elizabeth. In spite of all these years and our adventures, I still can’t quite get a read on them. Kudos, by the way, on being the best princess impersonator ever. I hope Elizabeth’s paying you a royal arm and a leg.”
“The pay’s decent,” I said. “My Uncle John’s in Assisted Living. The money I earn from this job will be spent keeping him there.”
“Good. Or I’ll kick Elizabeth’s entitled ass when she gets back here,” Esmeralda said. “I like you. You’re a little… apasionada.”
I smiled. “I like you too. Are you pissed at me that I fooled you?”
“For a second. Until I figured out you’d fallen for Nick. And I realized your life right now is even suckier than I imagined, because he doesn’t know you’re not Lizzie and you have to turn him down even though you really do care for him. Because—”
“Because I’m an imposter from America. And if Nick ever found out, he’d never speak to me again.”
“I don’t know,” she said. “He’s got an arrogant streak, but he doesn’t seem to be that kind of guy. Have you all done it?”
“No! Well he has with Elizabeth. Apparently everywhere. Are you going to out me?” I asked.
“Nah. This is all too interesting to spill the beans. I might write a tell-all some day. I’ve always wanted to write a book. This would make a good one.”
“Question. No one’s explained the whole urgency of this wedding in regards to the land buyout. Do you know what’s going on?” I asked.
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