by Nikki Ashton
“How does he have your number?” Sarah’s voice was tiny as she sank down onto the nearest armchair. “Have you been meeting with him?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“So how, Adam?”
Letting my head drop back I closed my eyes. “I saw him outside my house. The night I fought with Davies at TJ’s.”
“That’s why you didn’t text me that night, and that’s why you were off with me the next day and-.” She gasped. “That’s why you asked me why I’d helped him with the art room, isn’t it? He put those thoughts in your head, didn’t he?”
She sounded broken and devastated. I hated myself for doing that to her.
“Babe, I’m so fucking sorry. I’d been wanting to see him for thirteen years and it was so hard to turn him away. I knew I should, and that he deserved for me to punch his fucking lights out, but I just couldn’t.”
I rushed towards her and dropped to my knees in front of her. “We spoke outside my house and like an idiot I gave him my number. I wish I hadn’t, but I was hurting and—”
“Adam, don’t.” Her warm, soft hand cupped my cheek. “I get it, I really do. If my dad had been out of my life for that long, I’d have been desperate to see him too.”
“You would?”
“Of course, I would, and I understand why you want to. That doesn’t mean I like it, or I want you to carry on seeing him. I can’t tell you what to do, Adam, but I swear to you he isn’t a good man. He isn’t the man you want him to be.”
Lifting my hand to cover Sarah’s I leaned forward and kissed her, relishing the soft press of her plump lips against mine. Her sweet floral scent filled the air and something inside me shifted. The feelings I had for her, they felt so much bigger than they had before. They were wrapping themselves tightly around me and binding themselves to my soul.
“I’m sorry, Sarah. I know how hard it is for you. We swore this wouldn’t affect us, so I won’t see him again.”
She drew in a shallow breath, her eyes brimming with tears. “But he’s your dad and—”
My phone rang again causing us both to inhale sharply. I glanced at it, but this time it was my mum.
“Shit, what the fuck does she want?”
“Answer her,” Sarah’s keen gaze swept across my face. “I’ll get us that drink.”
I watched her go from the room and then swiped the screen of my phone. “Yeah.”
“Adam, please don’t answer the phone like that,” Mum complained. “A hello would be nice.”
I silently told her to fuck off and then plastered on a smile. “Hello, Mother, how can I help you?”
“Adam I’m really not in the mood.” She sighed heavily and I heard a door close. “Your dad has called me; he needs you to call him. It’s urgent.”
My stomach plummeted and I blinked as my head whirled. “Why did he call you?”
“Because apparently you didn’t answer your phone,” she whisper-hissed.
“How the hell does he even have your number?” I peered around the door from the lounge and pushed it closed before moving over to the window.
Looking through to the quiet street outside, I watched as four boys of about eleven or twelve walked along, pushing each other and shouting. Each one looked like they owned the fucking world and knew everything there was to know about life. I just hoped none of them were hiding any secrets that would one day turn them from happy go-lucky kids into mean and hard teenagers.
“It must have been through the solicitor who did the divorce.”
She sounded less than convincing, but I wasn’t in the mood for arguing with her. It only proved what I’d been thinking, that she knew where my dad had been all along.
“Please just call him, Adam. I don’t appreciate him calling me.”
“And you’re okay with that are you, me calling him? Because for the last thirteen years you’ve done nothing but go on and on about how we’re better off without him.”
My exhale and inhale were long and deep as I waited for her to answer.
“If it means he stops calling me, and Roger finding out, then yes, I’m okay with it.”
And there it was, the kind and generous Elouise Crawford, thinking of everyone else as usual – fucking not.
“I’ll call him now.”
I ended the call with her and looked down at the phone hesitantly. I knew me calling him would upset Sarah, but I couldn’t not; if he’d called Mum to get a hold of me then he obviously needed to speak to me. Maybe something was wrong.
“Hey, babe,” I called as I walked from the lounge into the hall. “I need to go.”
Sarah came out of the kitchen with two glasses of coke. “Why, what’s wrong?”
“Mum needs me to go and pick Lori up from her friend’s house. She’s not feeling well, or the friend isn’t, something like that. I wasn’t listening because I was too pissed off that she asked me to go.”
Sarah’s face brightened. “Oh okay, I can come if you like. We could take Lori to the park or something, if she’s not the one who’s unwell, obviously.” She giggled and held the glass out to me. “Drink this first and then we can get going.”
“I can’t, I need to go now.” I ground out a smile, feeling uneasy. “Listen, why don’t you stay here, and I’ll come back tonight, and we can go to the cinema or something?”
Sarah’s smile dropped. “Oh, okay. You sure you don’t want me to come?”
Leaning into her space I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and gave her bum a squeeze. “Honestly, I have some maths homework to do anyway. I can get that done and then it means I’ve got the rest of the week to spend with you to go out, and,” I gave her neck a quick nip, “maybe do our history project.”
Sarah squirmed and giggled against my lips. I hated that I was lying to her, but I couldn’t see any other way. I got that she hated the thought of me seeing or speaking to my dad, but he was my dad and the whole situation was fucking ripping me apart.
“Okay.” She sighed and turned to take the glasses of coke back into the kitchen.
“I’ll see you about seven?”
Sarah leaned against the doorway, lifting one socked foot to rest on the opposite calf. When we’d got back, she’d changed into tight, black leggings and a grey cropped sweat top, showing a sliver of creamy skin. I would have given anything to reach up and pull down her messy bun and run my fingers through her hair while I kissed an orgasm out of her
I leaned into her space and with my hand at the back of her head pulled her in for a kiss.
“I’ll miss you, but I’ll see you later.”
Sarah sighed as I pulled away and I almost, almost, stayed, but had a feeling in my gut that if I didn’t call him that my dad would call again.
Snagging my jacket from the bannister on the way out, I jumped into my car and sped off, only to pull up around the corner. I took my phone from my pocket and scrolled through to my dad’s number and pressed it.
“Adam.” His voice sounded hoarse like he’d just woken up.
“Why are you calling me?”
I heard him blow out a breath before finally speaking.
“I’ve been beaten up son, and I need your help.”
The place that Dad had rented was an apartment in the centre of town. Within the old fire station, it was pretty nice for a man who didn’t appear to have a job. At least I didn’t think he did, but then there were lots of things I didn’t know about him. I hadn’t seen him for years and the conversation we’d had since he’d been back had been short and had ended with me crying like a fucking five-year-old.
“Can you pull the pillow up a little?” he asked with a wince.
I pushed his shoulders forward and adjusted the pillow behind him and then stood back and watched him. I’d barely said a word since I’d got to A&E. Silently, I’d been by his side as he’d been examined, given painkillers and then told he could go home. Even when he’d slowly walked to my car, clutching at his side, and holding an ice pack to his swollen cheek b
one, I’d remained mute.
When we’d got back to his apartment, he’d told me he needed to sleep.
“I didn’t know who else to call. I had no other way of getting home.”
“There are taxis.” My throat was scratchy as I forced out my first words in almost three hours
He shifted in the bed and hissed. Automatically I made a step towards him, but then pulled up short, caught between helping him and hating him.
“Didn’t have any cash on me,” he grunted.
I didn’t bother to mention that most taxis took cards, it was pointless now that he was home.
“Do you know who it was?” I asked, pushing my hands into my jacket pockets.
He shot me a sideways glance and let out a laboured breath. “I have my suspicions.”
“Like?”
“Ask your girlfriend’s mum what she’s been spending her money on recently.”
I tilted my head back, not sure if I’d heard him properly. His eyes narrowed on me, as if daring me to argue.
“Sarah’s mum? I don’t think I understand.”
“Let’s just say the guy whispered a little message in my ear when I was doubled up on the floor. ‘This is for Sarah’, he said. So, unless you got someone to kick the shit out of me on her behalf, there can only be one other person and I’m guessing that bitch of a mother of hers paid someone to do it.”
I barked out a laugh. “This is Maddison Edge. Not bloody New York. People don’t pay other people to beat someone up.”
“Adam, we live on the outskirts of Manchester. Are you not aware of some of the shit that goes down in the city? It wouldn’t take much for her to get someone willing to do it for a couple of hundred quid. All she’s got to do is go into a dodgy looking pub, mention what she wants and within minutes there’d be two or three guys queuing up to take her money.”
“Mrs Danes wouldn’t do that, you’re wrong.”
“She’d do anything for that lying daughter of hers.”
I pulled my hands from my pockets and pointed accusingly at him. “Don’t you dare speak about Sarah like that.”
Dad pinched the bridge of his nose. “Adam, you don’t know her like I do. I’m telling you, this was all her mother’s doing, I know it.”
“Nope, I’m not having it. You’re lying that your attacker said that. Mrs Danes is just a lady trying to get over the death of her husband and what you did to her daughter.”
His nostrils flared with anger and he reached behind him to adjust his pillow again. “She’s lying about that. I told you what happened. We. Were. In. A. Relationship.”
There was so much I wanted to say to him. So many accusations I wanted to throw at him, but the words just wouldn’t come. They stuck in my throat and dissolved into streams of dread that he was telling the truth, and fear that he was lying.
There were so many things I needed to know, but the truth about him and Sarah wasn’t one of them. It was too raw, and I was too much of a coward.
“What happened with you and Mum? Why did she throw you out?”
He curled his lip into a smirk. “Nothing was good enough for your mum. She was needy and difficult and hated that I worked long hours. Of course, I worked long hours because she wanted everything we couldn’t afford. I even started doing extra jobs on the side, spray painting cars at the garage after work hours.”
“But you left and never came back. I know Mum didn’t want you to see me, but you were my dad, you had rights.”
“I wanted to see you, you have no idea, but when I left your mum, she told my boss I’d been stealing materials from him to do my own jobs. It was her way at getting back at me for asking for a divorce.”
“She says she kicked you out,” I argued. “You didn’t leave her.”
He looked up at me, his brows raised. “I left her, believe me. She told my boss so he sacked me without any references. I had to go down south for work. When I got there, I couldn’t find anything. It was really hard. I ended up drinking a lot.”
“What, and the drink made you lose your memory? It caused you to totally forget that you had a five-year-old son who fucking needed you.”
My throat burned with the emotion that I was fighting back. I did not want to cry in front of him. I wouldn’t, not again.
“I was in a bad way, Adam. I could barely look after myself let alone find time to come and see you. I didn’t have the money for a start.” The way he looked at me, with his eyes searching my face, I couldn’t see any remorse. He didn’t think he’d done anything wrong at all.
“You had no clue what I was going through. You left me with her and didn’t give a shit what was happening to me. And you changed your fucking name. Why would you do that if you ever wanted me to find you?”
“I was going under Adam, and when I eventually sorted myself out, I needed a new start, so I changed my name and went back to university to get my teaching degree. I didn’t think you’d even remember me by then.”
“Mum knew where you were,” I blasted. “She said she didn’t, but she did, I know she did.”
Dad’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “How do you know?”
“Because I know Mum and I know she’s hiding something, so I know she knew where you were. Yet all the time she made me live with man after man and pretend that they were all my dad for the short time they were in our lives.”
I wanted to scream at him that she’d let one of them beat me, and had pretended she had no idea, but telling him that would be admitting the shame.
“I’m sorry about that.” Dad sighed as he threw the now floppy ice pack down onto his bed. “I am, but I’m here now. You’re my son, my flesh and blood. Your genes are my genes. I want to be here for you.”
He said the words, but he sounded detached as though he was repeating instructions to some manual on how to raise your child.
“Did you come for me, or Sarah?” I asked, dropping my gaze to the blue and green patterned rug on the varnished floorboards.
“You, of course.”
The pause was only a second, but it was enough that I felt it in my chest.
“Don’t call me again. You need any help? Call someone else, not me.”
As I turned for the door, he grunted something under his breath, and I heard the bed creak.
“Adam don’t be fooled by her and that damn little girl act. She’ll draw you in just like she did to me. And while you’re at it, maybe ask her mother what she knows about how I got beaten up.”
I stopped and looked over my shoulder.
“I think whoever kicked the shit out of you did something to your head as well. I don’t have a clue who did that to you, but it had nothing to do with Sarah or her mum.”
I didn’t wait for him to reply but strode off down the short hallway to the front door and yanked it shut with a bang. A woman pushing a bike into through the main doorway, flashed me a smile and I scowled my response. When I heard her tut, I paused about to give her a mouthful of abuse, but my phone started ringing in my pocket. I pulled it out and glanced at the screen; Sarah.
My heart thudded as something pricked at my memory.
“Fuck.” The time on my phone showed it was almost half past seven and I was late for picking Sarah up. I hadn’t realised how long I’d had to wait in A&E for my dad to be discharged.
I knew if I answered it, I’d have to explain everything about being with the man who she hated, the man who she saw had ruined her life, so like a fucking coward, I dropped her call and turned off my phone. I hated myself for doing it, but I had no idea how else to deal with her. As I got into my car and set off in the direction of home, it crossed my mind to keep on driving until I was far away from all the shit going on in my life, but I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave her behind. Sarah was one of the only fucking reasons I put one foot in front of the other every day. Without her I was sure I’d fall back into the black and never resurface. Dad’s words echoed back at me.
“You’re my son, my flesh and blood
. Your genes are my genes, so I want to be here for you.”
Those words petrified me, because if that were the case, I was sure to send Sarah back into the black, and I couldn’t be responsible for that.
12
Sarah
All I’d had from Adam to explain why he failed to pick me up for the cinema, was a bloody text message sent at two in the morning, saying he’d fallen asleep while doing his maths homework. I didn’t believe him. Something was going on and I was sure it was to do with the call he’d had from his dad.
It also seemed a bit of a coincidence that his mum had called straight after, and then he’d disappeared.
I wasn’t going to sit around and worry about it though.
I’d come too far to stew about a boy.
Even if that boy was Adam Hudson and I couldn’t get him out of my head.
I’d called Alannah to see if she fancied going to the shopping centre, which she did, and she even suggested we get Amber to go with us, which was why we were currently waiting for her as she tried on a dress.
“And the only explanation he was gave was that he fell asleep?” Alannah rolled her eyes as she picked up a shoe with a lethal weapon for a heel.
“Yeah.” My stomach churned as I thought about the text and the fact that Adam had then ignored my call after I’d read it when I’d woken up this morning. “Do you think something is wrong at home?”
Alannah put the shoe back and linked her arm with mine. “I hate to say this Sarah, but it could just be Adam being… well, Adam. I know you think he’s changed, but maybe he hasn’t.”
The churning in my stomach changed to a definite swell of nausea at the thoughts running around in my head.
What if he’d decided I was too much trouble?
What if he was with Mackenna?
What if we were over and he didn’t have the guts to tell me?
“I need to see him,” I said quickly, turning to the shop entrance.
Alannah pulled me back. “No, you don’t. You need to wait for a while and see what happens. I might have got it all wrong, and he may well have fallen asleep.”