by Nikki Ashton
He held his hand out, so I took it and gave it a quick shake.
“Sarah.”
“Who made you come; parents, teachers, your therapist?”
I smiled. “My mum and Eleanor; she is my therapist.” I nodded towards Eleanor who was listening intently to a girl with an auburn coloured pixie haircut, as she spoke about the death of her twin brother in a drowning accident. It was tragic and heart breaking, and I didn’t want to listen to any more stories of despair. I had my own to deal with.
He pointed to the itinerary. “We’re scheduled a break in five minutes. I’m sure we could sneak off early,” Jack whispered, tearing my gaze away from the girl crying on Eleanor’s shoulder.
I thought about it for a second and then nodded. “Okay, let’s go.”
We quietly got up from our seats and tiptoed away, and as the door to the hall clicked shut behind us, we both heaved a sigh of relief.
“As much as I feel bad for everyone,” Jack said. “Listening to their problems is really depressing don’t you think? I’m trying to deal with my own stuff.”
I nodded and smiled, quickly taking in his appearance. Dark hair fell into brown, mischief filled eyes.
“My mum and Eleanor told me it’d be good for me, to share what happened but I’m dreading my turn. And as for the thought of role playing.” I shuddered and glanced at Jack to see understanding on his face.
“God no.” He grimaced and paused to look over his shoulder. “Do you fancy a coffee or something?”
When I didn’t answer, he laughed nervously.
“Shit, I’m not normally that pretentious. I expect you’re used to lads asking to take you to the pub, or for pizza or something.”
I shook my head and gave him what I hoped was a gentle smile. “There’s nothing wrong with coffee.”
When he didn’t reply, but stared at me, I looked down at my feet, unsure what else to say.
“There’s a Costa around the corner,” he rushed out a little breathlessly. “How about we go there? Maybe we could forget the time.” He nudged me, and I couldn’t help but smile.
I should probably have been more cautious or felt more nervous about spending time with a boy I barely knew, but he had a kind face and nothing about Jack worried or scared me. After all we’d be in a busy coffee shop with plenty of other people around.
“Okay,” I said. “Sounds good to me.”
Only ten minutes later we were sitting down at a table and I was blowing on the hot black coffee in a huge mug. “I’ll be hyper by the time I’ve drunk all of this caffeine,” I said raising my eyebrows. “I thought you were going to get me a regular.”
Jack shrugged and grinned around the cream on top of his hot chocolate. “It only seems big because your hands are so tiny.”
Instantly my mind went to dirtier things as I remembered me saying the same to Adam one night when I had his dick in my hand. We’d been joking around and he’d been boasting how well-endowed he was and that had been my retort. I sighed as I remembered the tickling session that he’d landed on me as payback. Happy times when I felt as though my life was beginning again.
“You look really sad, you know that,” Jack said and kicked at my foot with his under the table. “Want to talk about it? I won’t make you role play, if that helps.”
I just about managed a smile as I pushed my mug to one side, waiting for it to cool down. “My dad was killed in an armed robbery. He was a policeman.”
Jack’s hand instinctively reached for mine and gave it a quick squeeze before he snatched it back and wrapped it around his mug.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I know we’ve all come to talk about grief, but to lose your dad and in such an awful way. Fuck.”
“There isn’t really any nice way to lose someone is there.” I shrugged and leaned forward with my arms crossed in front of me on the table. “What about you. Why are you here at Eleanor’s session?”
“I lost my Grandma about six months ago, and my mum and dad seem to think I’m not accepting it. We were really close and well, she’s the first person I’ve ever lost, so it’s been pretty hard going.”
“Why don’t your parents think you’re accepting it?” I asked.
“Probably because I’ve been bunking off school and generally being a pain in their arses ever since,” Jack replied with a shrug. “I’ve always been the good kid you see; it was always my older brother Nathan that gave them trouble. Nothing serious, you know the stuff, drinking and smoking, staying out late. Now they’re worried I’m going off the rails, just as Nathan has pulled himself together and got a decent job.”
I studied his face and watched as the pulse in his temple sped up.
“Are you struggling to accept it?” I asked.
Jack tilted his head to one side and grinned. “Are you therapying me?”
“God no,” I gasped. “I just know how hard it can be to believe that the person you love is never coming back.”
He ran his finger through the cream around the edge of his mug and then licked it away before looking up at me.
“I used to stay with her every summer for three weeks. Me and Nathan, but he stopped going when he was about fifteen, so I’ve been going on my own for the last six years. Even when my mates wanted to go away on holiday last year, I made sure I went to Gran’s as well. She was always there for me. You know everyone falls out with their parents from time to time, so she was always the one who helped me to see things from their point of view, or even my point of view a lot of the time. She was brilliant.” He looked wistfully out of the window. “I suppose me bunking off is a big fuck off to the world for taking her away from me. She’d go mad though and more than likely give me a kick up the arse for doing it.”
“Well we all do things we probably shouldn’t when we’re grieving.” I shuddered as I thought about how I’d trusted Mr Mills and even though I’d blamed my mum for working all the time, even I could now see that I’d pushed her away too.
“Anyway,” Jack said brightly. “Tell me about yourself. Are you in sixth form as well?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and risked a sip of my coffee. “Maddison High. I only started there a short time ago. We moved from Kent.”
“Ooh.” He grimaced. “Being the newbie is never easy, especially in the final year. I thought that wasn’t a local accent; far too posh for around here.”
I rolled my eyes. “Hardly.”
“Well you don’t sound Manc, that’s for sure,” he said with a laugh. “How’s it going for you? Have you made any new friends?”
My throat went dry as I thought of Adam and the emptiness came back, creeping up on me once again when I thought I might get through a few hours without thinking about him.
“A couple of girls, they’re really nice.”
“Boys?” Jack eyed me over the rim of his mug, his tone edged with something more than inquisitiveness.
I cleared my throat and shook my head. “Nope, no boys.”
“Good to know,” he replied wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Very good to know.”
Jack and I stayed and had another drink, until it actually was too late to go back to the group session. I knew my mum would be disappointed when I told her, but she’d also said it was my decision. Her and Eleanor had made it very clear though that they thought I should attend, but at least I’d given it a try and knew it definitely wasn’t for me.
“I’ll text you about going for a drink,” Jack said, tapping the screen of his phone. “And I won’t take no for an answer.”
I’d told him that I wasn’t interested in anything other than friends, but I had the feeling he had the confidence of most eighteen-year-old boys and was convinced he’d eventually persuade me otherwise.
“I’ll be happy to go for a drink with you, Jack, so long as you remember that’s all it is.”
He gave me a grin and then leaned in for a hug. I wasn’t expecting it and stiffened a little as his arm went around my shoulders. It wasn’t that he scared
me, but his touch was unfamiliar; it wasn’t Adam.
“Right, I’d better go, my dad will be outside the centre in five minutes.”
“I hope you don’t get in too much trouble for not staying in the session,” I called as he started to jog away.
Still moving he turned to face me and held up a hand. “It’ll be fine. I tried it and that’s the main thing. Thanks for the chat and I’ll speak to you soon.”
He then turned and ran off in the direction of the centre. With a sigh I glanced at the time on my phone, glad to see it was only ten minutes until the bus that went closest to my house came into the bus station. I’d persuaded Mum that I’d be fine getting the bus home. She’d been desperate to have her hair done for weeks and this afternoon had been the only appointment she could get, so I’d been insistent. I was definitely nervous, particularly since spotting the car across the road on the day Adam had been to the house. At the same time, I didn’t want to live my life in fear any longer. Mum had called the police, but their response had been limited, except maybe drive past the house from time to time. I guessed they had better things to do as far as they were concerned.
The fear of bumping into Mr Mills while I was alone was definitely at the forefront of my mind. I knew how manipulative he was and if he found me when I was alone, who knew what he might do. I was still convinced I was being followed the day I’d gone to the shop and had needed to call Adam, but he’d been just as convinced there had been no one around.
Maybe I was imagining things and my paranoia was merely spiking since Adam’s dad had come into town.
Adam’s dad – I couldn’t believe I had to use both words together to describe the man who’d raped me. It really didn’t seem real and if I hadn’t seen it first-hand how desperate Adam had been to see his dad, to find him, after thirteen years apart, I might have thought it all to be one big set up – Adam making me fall for him, knowing his dad would soon be back to haunt me.
Sighing heavily as thoughts of Adam invaded my head, yet again, I glanced up and down the road before darting across it, reaching the other side just as a man on a scooter whizzed past.
“You really should be careful, Sarah.”
The voice sent a stream of iced fear through my veins. I’d conjured up my greatest nightmare.
“Mr Mills.”
The words tumbled from my mouth on a heavy tremoring breath. He smiled at me, making my body rigid, the words of my song rang out in my head as my hand went to my wrist.
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
“I think we know each other well enough for you to call me Joshua, don’t you?”
A quiet whimper gurgled at the back of my throat as Mr Mills smiled at me and took a step closer. We were in the town square with shops bordering it as people shouldered past us going about their normal day to day activities. I wanted to grab one of them and tell them I was scared. I wanted to yell that the man standing beside me was a danger, but I was mute and paralysed.
“Or what about Josh?” he asked. “Yeah, I like that. Call me Josh.”
When he lifted a hand, I shrank back, and another pained sound emitted from me.
“I’m not going to hurt you. I’ve never hurt you.”
His ridiculous words were like a shock to my system, electrocuting me into moving. I took a step back and shook my head.
“You raped me,” I hissed. “You made me believe I was safe with you and then you forced yourself on me.”
Mr Mills glanced around before leaning the top half of his body closer to mine. “Depends how you look at it. You came into my art room in your short little skirt and tight top and then laughed and joked with me. You wanted me, Sarah, don’t pretend you didn’t.”
I shook my head vigorously, taking a step back. “No. No I didn’t. I just needed someone to talk to and I certainly wasn’t dressed inappropriately. You were my teacher. You were supposed to take care of me.”
“And I did.”
I felt the vomit rise in my throat as his words embedded themselves into my brain.
And I did.
Turning quickly, I retched and vomited all over the pale grey stone of the town square. The two large mugs of coffee I’d had with Jack came back up, the acid taste burning my throat as I clutched at my stomach. Tears seeped from the corners of my eyes as I heaved twice before breathing heavily through a sob.
“Are you okay, love.”
I looked to my side to see an elderly lady dressed in a navy-blue coat, staring at me with sympathy. I nodded my head with a hand still resting over the top of my jacket and oversized jumper.
“Yes, thank you. I think it’s something I ate.”
“You need me to call someone for you?” She held up an old-style flip phone.
“Honestly I’m fine, thank you.”
“Okay, love as long as you’re sure.” She gave me a reassuring smile and moved away.
I remembered then why I’d been sick, and I wanted to call her back, ask her to help me, but when I looked up there was no sign of Mr Mills. I looked around the square, my eyes searching through the crowds, but I couldn’t see him. I hadn’t even registered what he’d been wearing, he could have been standing in a dark corner watching me now for all I knew.
With a shaking hand I reached inside my pocket and pulled out my phone. There was only one person I wanted to be with. I needed Adam to hold me and tell me that I was safe. The feel of his arms wrapped around me were the only things I could envisage comforting me.
Tapping the number on my phone I held my breath until after three rings it was answered.
“Hey, Sarah.”
“Alannah,” I said on a sob. “I really need you; can you come and get me please?”
17
Adam
“You ready for this?” Ellis asked, kicking the ball to my feet. “Because you look like shit to be honest.”
I rolled my eyes at him and kicked the ball back with force.
Admittedly thinking about what to do about my dad and Sarah had been keeping me awake at night, but I knew whichever route I chose it was going to hurt someone – fuck, it was going to hurt Sarah. I had a feeling that if I chose not to have contact with my dad, he might actually get over it pretty quickly, yet I still felt the need to see him. My want to see him was overpowering my need to be with Sarah and I had trouble understanding it.
“You’re not still pining for Sarah, are you?” Ellis asked.
“I’ve got a load of fucking shit going on in my life, Ellis. I’m hardly going to look like I’ve just been offered a first team place at City, am I?”
“I suppose not, but I thought at least you’d be happy your dad is back in your life. Have you seen much of him?”
“We’ve spoken on the phone a couple of times and he said he’s going to come today.”
“You don’t actually sound like you want him to.” Ellis raised an eyebrow. “I thought you’d be fucking loving having him at a match.”
“Yeah well, I kind of felt bad asking Roger not to.”
He kicked the ball back to me, which I trapped with my foot and then immediately sent back to him.
“Really? You getting on better with him then?”
I shrugged. “He’s not a bad bloke. At least he was okay about not coming, unlike my mum who did her usual dramatics. Apparently, I’m a horrible boy for picking the man who abandoned me over the man who takes care of me.”
“Never mind the fact he abandoned you, what about the stuff he was supposed to have done to Sarah? How do you feel about that?”
Ellis stooped to pick up the ball and tucked it under his arm, watching me carefully. He knew me better than anyone, so always seemed to know what was bothering me. His friendship had meant a lot over the years, particularly during my time with Eric. He hadn’t know what the fucking bastard was doing to me, but he’d been a relief from the nightmare. He’d made me laugh when no one else could, his mum and dad had often invited me for tea or to sleep over a fair am
ount. I had a lot to thank him for. Him questioning me about my dad and Sarah though wasn’t what I needed from him. If I talked about it, it would make it real, then I’d have to face up to the fact I was the son of a rapist. Currently I was more than happy to bury my head in the sand and think he was found not guilty, so that must be true.
I knew that wasn’t fair to Sarah, but my eighteen-year-old brain didn’t know how else to cope.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I growled, looking around to check no one else was listening. “And don’t mention it again. Sarah would go mad if she knew I’d told you.”
“It’s not like you’re going out with her anymore,” he replied, frowning. “Why do you give a fuck what she thinks? I’m surprised you’ve not told everyone in school. You normally would.”
I shuddered inwardly at his words, because he was right, that was something I’d normally do. Sarah was different though. Sarah was the one person, apart from my sister, who I never wanted to hurt, which was fucking stupid considering that was exactly what I’d done.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t care about her,” I snapped back. “Let’s go, Mr Jameson is calling us all over.”
Ellis looked over my shoulder, to where Mr Jameson had his arm in the air beckoning the team over, probably ready to start our pre-match drills.
“Just one thing,” Ellis said as he drew level with me. “You’ve made a decision, so live with it. Okay?”
I turned my gaze to his and exhaled. “Okay. Now let’s go and beat that shit other school.”
We’d been playing for ten minutes when I finally spotted my dad in amongst the crowd of people stood around the halfway line. He was standing at the back, wearing a black baseball cap and black coat against the February wind. I could tell it was him by the way he stood, with his shoulders and back ramrod straight even with his hands stuffed into his neatly pressed dark jeans. As I ran into some space and called for the ball, I heard him shout my name, so quickly glanced over and gave him a wave. He waved back and then started to saunter down towards the goal line. The ball went out of play and I turned to watch where he was going, feeling some pride that he knew the goal was where I was headed. In almost slow motion I noticed Sarah a few feet away, in the direction he was walking.