by Nikki Ashton
He had a point it would have been much more respectful to her.
“Shit, you’re right.” I dropped my head back and stared up at the ceiling. “I’m such a dickhead.”
“No Adam, you’re just a boy who hasn’t always had the best influences in his life. If you’ve never been shown how to respect people, then how would you know.”
“Yeah, well some of Mum’s choices of partner have been less than stellar to say the least.”
Roger raised his brows at me. I knew he must agree, but as always, he was loyal to a fault to my mum.
“Oh, come on, Roger, you know she’s a crap judge of character.” He scratched the tip of his nose and cleared his throat. “Okay, maybe you’re the exception.”
“Woah,” he said on a laugh. “Are you actually admitting that you like me a little bit, Adam?”
I shrugged, not wanting to admit anything about him that in two days, or even two hours, might well change. I was still a dickhead at heart, it was only Sarah that had changed me and without her I had no reason to be decent.
“Have you tried to talk to her?” Roger asked, evidently realising he wasn’t going to get a response on whether I liked him or not.
“No.”
“Well it might be a good place to start. Tell her how you feel, how torn you are over wanting to be with her, but also wanting to have your dad around.”
“I tried, but she can’t get past it.” I chewed on my lip. “Do you think I’m wrong for wanting him to be around?”
“That’s not for me to say, Adam.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. “I do think it must be hard for Sarah. The man… well he allegedly raped her.”
“Do you think he did it?” I asked.
“Again, it doesn’t matter what I think. All I’ll say is she doesn’t seem to me like a girl who would lie about something so serious. She’s sweet and polite and Lori adores her. If, and it’s a big if, she’s got it all wrong, then she honestly doesn’t believe it. Which makes me think that if they were in some sort of a relationship your dad still took advantage of a vulnerable young girl, and he did something she wasn’t comfortable with, despite their status.”
He was fucking right. Everything he said was right, and what made me feel like shit was that it wasn’t any great genius theory. It was something I should have realised as her boyfriend, the one person who was supposed to support her. I should have known all of that, because even though we hadn’t been together long, we had something special. In the grand scheme of things, if we’d been any other teenagers, if she’d been any other girl, we’d probably have lasted as long as the majority of other teenage romances. The problem was she wasn’t just any other girl, she was someone who I didn’t think I would ever be able to live without.
Thinking of her made my heart feel as though it was being squeezed inside my aching chest. When she wasn’t around my eyes constantly searched for her, and when I found her my stomach turned sending a thousand fucking butterflies to take flight. She was the girl who I could see my future with. She was the girl who had cracked open the darkness around my heart and helped the light to break through. She was the girl I was in love with.
“Have you thought about how you’d feel if it was Lori in this situation,” Roger said, his words dragging me into reality and causing my heart to miss a beat. “If a man who she’d said had raped her came back. How would you react?”
“I’d fucking kill him, whether he’d got off or not,” I spat back. “There’s no way I’d let him be around her.” My stomach rolled at the thought and what my response meant.
“What if he said he hadn’t done it, but Lori was adamant he had, who would you believe?”
I dropped my head and let out a moan.
“I’ve messed things up so badly, Roger.”
“You didn’t just want to believe your dad, Adam. If I know you, there’s more to it, and if I know you it’s because those damn demons in your head are pecking away at you.”
He watched me with the grace of a man who had all his shit together. A man who I should have respected more the last two years for facts other than he’d been my stepdad.
“But what if I’m like him? What if his DNA is so strong that I end up being the same sort of man? I’ve been a shit to practically everyone since I was nine years old. What sort of kid behaves like that?”
I drew in a shuddering breath and felt the pain of regret squeezing my lungs tight. The people I’d hurt with my arrogance and hatred weren’t deserving of it, there was only one person who was, and who knew where he was or what he was doing with his life.
Roger leaned forward and placed a large hand on my knee, his gold wedding ring shining under the bright light of my desk lamp.
“Adam, you are not your dad. You’re nothing like him, if you were, Lori wouldn’t adore you and you wouldn’t be tossing and turning every night worrying about all of this.” He smiled when my mouth dropped open. “I check on you every night. You’re restless and you talk in your sleep, when you actually get to sleep. A parent knows when their child isn’t coping, but I’ve bided my time and waited until I knew you’d accept my help and advice.”
My throat got scratchy. Not even my mum had ever said anything to make me think she cared about me. She said the words I love you, but never I care, or I’m worried about you. Roger was the only person who ever had.
I wanted to say I was sorry to him, to apologise for being the stepchild from hell, but the words were too big. I couldn’t get them past my tongue, so I said nothing. I didn’t even smile at him. Roger did though. He smiled as he stood up and came forward to place a hand on my shoulder.
“Adam, I think of you as my son as much as I think of Lori as my daughter. Please don’t ever think you can’t come to me, or that I won’t listen, because I will. I’ll always be there for you. Remember this though, you have to stop punishing yourself for the sins of your parents. Be the better person you want to be, but do it for yourself, not just for the girl you’re falling in love with.”
He gave my shoulder a squeeze and then moved towards the door.
“Dinner is ready when you are, come and eat with us and then get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow is the weekend, so it might be a good idea to think about things and then once you’re sure speak to Sarah.”
“Do you think I should wait until we’re back at school on Monday?”
“I think you should wait until you know exactly what you believe is the truth. Then when you know that, consider what you want, because I don’t think Sarah is the sort of girl who gives more than one chance. You don’t want to squander that chance, do you?”
I shook my head as I gripped the arms of my chair and swallowed back the tears that were threatening to fall. Tears that I barely ever shed.
“Good,” Roger said. “Now hurry up because if I have to listen to Lori break into a rendition of a Frozen medley once more, I might just leave home.”
He laughed good-naturedly and went to join the family, humming ‘Let it Go’ as he walked down the stairs.
20
Sarah
“Are you nervous?” Alannah screeched down the line.
“No,” I ground out. “Because it’s not a date.”
I rolled my eyes even though she couldn’t see me. I knew I shouldn’t have told her that Jack had asked me for a drink. At first, I’d said no; I didn’t want to leave the house if I could help it. Going to school the last couple of days since Mr Mills had visited had been hard enough, especially as I hadn’t even told Mum what had happened. It was stupid, I was aware of that. The consequences of me keeping secrets from her once before had almost been catastrophic, but this time I had a plan. At least I thought I did. I was going to try and get more evidence against the bastard who was terrorising me and then I’d go to the police. If I told my mum now, she’d insist we went to them immediately and he was right, I’d look like a liar and an idiot. Worse still, they might think I was a danger to myself again.
&nb
sp; A stupid plan probably, but I had no idea how else to deal with it, other than bury my head in the sand and hope he got bored and went away.
Hearing him talk about Adam had been hard, it made my heart clench with longing for him. Which was another reason why I’d said no to Jack, I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. I would never think of him as more than anything than a friend, not while I still had feelings for Adam.
Despite my argument, Jack had been insistent and so I’d finally agreed to go out with him – just as friends. I hoped he really did understand that. He was pretty self-assured though - Adam would probably call him a cocky twat - and I was worried that he’d keep pursuing something more between us.
“It could be a date though,” Alannah said pulling me back from my thoughts. “If it goes well.”
“Alannah, it’s not happening. I don’t want to date anyone.”
She sighed wearily. “Okay, but just keep an open mind. He may be the perfect person for you.”
“But I’m not interested.” I looked through the window and saw a red Corsa pull up and my heart started to beat wildly. “I’ve got to go, he’s here.”
“Oh my God,” Alannah screeched, almost bursting my ear drum. “Text me regularly.”
“Okay, bye.”
I didn’t bother waiting for her response but snatched up my phone and keys and rushed down the hall shouting a goodbye to Mum who was in her room.
“Wait,” she called and appeared at the door. “You call me if you need anything, okay?”
I resisted the urge to run into her arms and beg her to keep me in them forever. If I didn’t go Mr Mills would win, and I wasn’t going to allow him to rule my life ever again.
“I won’t be too late,” I replied, my hand on the door handle.
“It’s fine, just be safe.”
Her eyes were troubled and wary, and I knew how hard it was for her. Me going out with Adam had been one thing, a boy she’d never met filled her with dread. “Are you sure I can’t come and meet him, just speak to him?”
“No, Mum. I don’t want him to know about what happened to me. I want to try and be normal.” And I did, but it was like hiking up Everest. Every step was hard, and it was difficult to breathe, but I had to do it.
“Okay.”
“I’ll text you regularly.”
Mum shook her head. “No, you’re right you need to try and be normal. I’ll text you every couple of hours and you just reply with a kiss if everything is okay.”
I smiled, glad that she would be checking on me, but relieved I didn’t have to explain to Jack why I was texting my mum every few minutes.
“See you later.” I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and pulled the handle down to open the door. “Lock up after me.”
“I will.” She gave me an indulgent look and followed me to the door. “Have fun and I love you.”
When I stepped out of the house, Jack was already out of his car and grinning at me. I had to admit he looked good in his ankle length trousers and smart shirt tucked in, with black leather loafers on his feet. He was dressed like lot of boys, with his hair cut into a fade and side parting, but I couldn’t help but compare him to Adam. They had similar dress sense, but Jack wasn’t as tall as Adam’s six feet one and he certainly didn’t have the same athletic body; not from what I could see anyway. I was positive I wouldn’t be seeing him without clothes but was pretty sure he wouldn’t have the ripped abs and defined v that Adam had.
“Hi,” he said. “You look nice.”
I looked down at the yellow ditzy print dress I was wearing with my black Dr Marten boots and black leather biker jacket. It had all meant to be friend casual, so I hadn’t expected him to compliment me.
“Thank you, so do you.”
He smiled. “So, I thought maybe we could go to The Brass Monkey. They don’t really check for ID in there, as long as we don’t get fall about drunk. I’ll leave my car there and we can get a taxi home.” He blushed and glanced at the ground before looking back up to me. “My mum gave me the money for it, she said it was only proper I pay as it was our first da-night out.”
My heart plummeted at his almost slip up and I wondered if I should have agreed to go out with him.
“Jack, you know this isn’t a date. We can only be friends.” I scratched my brow wondering how on earth I could get out of this without hurting his feelings.
“Yeah I know,” he replied, sounding resigned. “I did tell her that, but she’s ever the optimist.”
I took a breath to consider everything and when he playfully pouted, I couldn’t help but smile.
“Okay, let’s go.”
Jack snorted as my face crumpled with disgust. We’d been in the bar for an hour or so, drinking, laughing and even dancing. I had to admit I was enjoying myself. I was feeling a lot drunker than I should have on a couple of vodka and cokes and the brandy that I’d bet Jack I could down in one.
“That’s disgusting,” I groaned as the amber liquid burned my throat as it went down.
“You’re a wimp. Oh my God, your face.”
Jack dropped his head back and laughed as I continued to gag.
“It’s not funny. It’s vile. I feel like I’ve swallowed the contents of the cigarette bucket from the beer garden.” I stuck out my tongue and grimaced, which quickly morphed into a grin. “Oh God I love this song.”
As ‘Could be You’ by Michael Calfan and Danny Dearden came on, I tried to sway to the beat, but only managed to stagger into the high table we were standing at.
“I think you need some water,” Jack said, putting a stabilising hand on my elbow. “You’re pretty far gone, Sarah.”
He frowned and looked around, before grabbing a stool and dragging it to the table.
“Sit here and I’ll go and get you some water.”
“I need to pee first,” I replied, giggling at how slurred my words were.
He chewed on his bottom lip. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No,” I cried, waving him off. “I’m not that bad. I’ll be fine.”
“Okay, I’ll wait until you come back before I get you some water, I don’t want us to lose this table.”
The bar was filling up with all the pre-drinkers finally making it into town, because as Jack had said, it was a bar where your ID was rarely requested.
“I’ll be back asap.”
I flashed him a smile and giggled, pushing my way through the growing crowd towards the toilets. Even though I was stumbling a little and my head was started to spin, I felt good. I felt free and had pushed all the crap in my life to one side just to be a teenager.
Pushing through some double doors to the back hallway, I felt a hand on my shoulder. If I hadn’t known who it was, I might have frozen and screamed, but I knew instinctively it was Adam. When I swung around to face him, it was obvious that he was as drunk as I was, if not more. His eyes were red-rimmed, and he was swaying and licking his lips as he looked at me.
“Who the hell is that?” he demanded. “Why the fuck are you with him?”
Letting out a long breath, I closed my eyes, but quickly opened them when I felt the floor tilt beneath me.
“Adam, please don’t.”
“Don’t what?” he asked with a slur. “Spoil your date.”
“It’s not a date. He’s a friend.” I pointed at him but stumbled again before continuing. “We’re just out as friends and anyway it’s none of your business.”
“Yes, it fucking is and why are you so drunk? Has he been spiking your drinks?”
“No,” I cried and put a hand to my stomach. “I’m just a lightweight. Actually, I haven’t eaten all day so that might be it.”
Adam’s eyes went dark as he leaned into my personal space.
“Why the hell not?”
I shrugged not wanting to say because I’m living on my nerves that your rapist dad is going to hurt me again. I should have said it, I should have told someone, but Adam was not that person.
�
��Anyway, like I said its none of your business.”
Turning to walk away I wasn’t surprised when his hand landed on my arm.
“It is my business.” He gently pulled me back around to face him. “You’re my business.”
When he took a step closer, my pulse sped up. His familiar smell and touch were a heady mix with the alcohol running through both our veins. The concoction zapped my senses and startled my heart into action. It thudded hard and fast causing my chest to heave and Adam’s eyes were firmly on it; his gaze turned on and excited.
“Is that all I am to you, Adam,” I croaked out. “A pair of tits.”
His eyes snapped back to mine. “No and don’t be so fucking ridiculous. You know you’re not. You know you’re so much more; you’re everything.”
Without any chance to reconsider, or to prepare myself for the onslaught of feelings, his lips, soft and warm, crashed against mine.
My fingertips instantly tangled with his hair, while his hands went to my bum and pulled me closer. There was no space between us as his hard on rubbed against me but not in the place I wanted it the most. Anticipating my need, Adam lifted me up so that my legs were tight around his waist and he was able to stumble down the hall, his lips and tongue still demanding of me, he took us to a dark recess behind a pillar.
“Adam,” I groaned feeling my clit pulsing and throbbing inside my dampened knickers.
“You are my business,” he said against my mouth. “You’re my business and my everything, remember that.”
Desperate for him, I reached between us and started to undo his trousers.
“Are you sure?” he panted; his eyes locked on mine.
“Yes, positive,” I replied and pulled his zip down.
Adam pulled out his rock hard dick, I pulled my knickers to one side and as ‘Sweat’ by David Guetta and Snoop Dogg pumped out in the bar behind us, Adam pushed inside of me.
“Fuck,” he said against my mouth. “I’ve missed you so much.”
He pulled back and thrust back into me so hard it pushed me up the wall. His lips sucked on my nipple, over the top of my dress, so hard that my mouth opened on a loud gasp. My fingers gripped his hair tighter and I yanked his head back and sucked on his neck until I got the tangy taste of blood in my mouth.