The Earth vanished like a bullet out of a gun. The sun lingered, visible as a dwindling point of light as the centuries rolled backward. When she reached 1,305 years in the past, she slowed to a stop. The sun, retracing its own motion through space, was now a light year away. It wasn’t hard to pick out, still easily outshining the brightest objects in the sky, but it was different. The basic knowledge that the sun was a star didn’t prepare her to see it this way, hanging in the heavens like any other light in the sky. The passage of countless years, the fact that Constantinople was under siege, was somehow unimpressive. A hundred thousand other points of light were vying for her attention.
But she didn’t linger. Already the air in the machine was getting cold. She hurried further back in time, watching the silent spin of the galactic disc, until a new glow could be seen in the opposite direction from the sun. Four and a half light years from where she began, she slowed her approach. She knew it was a red dwarf, a dim little spark of a star, but from there the light was white and blinding. She let it sail past, just a little, until another object came into view.
The planet below was a poorly kept secret among time travellers. Eventually, in the distant future, the little star and its lonely planet would be found and colonised by space explorers. But here, in the deep past, it could only be reached by time travellers with the skill and bravery to take a leap of faith, let go of earthly things, and drift rudderless into the cosmos.
When she was close enough, she halted her machine, and looked down to the planet. It was barren and dry, with the barest whiff of an atmosphere. It was tidally locked to the star, with one side always in scorching daylight and the other frozen in perpetual night. Yet, after a few accelerated millennia in the empty void of space, it looked welcoming indeed. Once local gravity started to pull her in, she took control of the process, accelerating through the freefall until she came to a gentle rest on the twilit surface of the new world. The teams were already there, waiting to rescue and welcome the new arrival. On a planet populated solely by time travellers, there are no unexpected visitors.
CHAPTER 2
Coniferous University
The story of Coniferous University begins in 1733, 1895, 1963 and 2015, when our four founders stepped up to formalise the rules, practices and education of the time-travel community.
They established the university in their adjacent timelines at different points in history, creating a four-dimensional campus that would help insulate the facility against alterations to the past and attacks from the future. This also created four unique campuses within the university.
Old Campus
1733–1917
A wide-open facility in Ireland’s Wicklow Mountains, Old Campus offers the most time and space for large-scale experiments. It is home to Coniferous University’s Administration Building as well as the colleges of Medicine, Unconventional Horticulture and Historical Engineering.
Maritime Campus
1895–1917
Located on the waterfront in Lower Manhattan, the Maritime Campus has the shortest lifespan of any Coniferous location, which requires frequent resetting. It is home to the university’s legal offices, the ocean-going vessel SS Clockmaker, as well as the colleges of Extradimensional Studies, Oceaneering, Genetics, and both Standard and Impossible Mathematics.
Queen’s Campus
1963–2110
Designated as such even when the reigning monarch is male, the Queen’s Campus is located in the heart of central London. A small but long-lived campus, it currently hosts the colleges of Space Travel, Exobiology, Library Sciences and Music, along with the spacefaring vessels XOS Cuttlefish and XOS Teatime.
Forest Campus
2015–[Classified]
Our newest and most populous facility, the Forest Campus is isolated in the deep woods of Michigan. As the home of the university’s student dormitories and the famous College of Time Travel, the Forest Campus is the most secure instance of Coniferous University, insulated against physical attack, espionage and temporal tampering. Its grounds also host the colleges of Cryptobiology, Religious Studies and Theoretical Medicine.
In addition, hubs of time-travel activity offer historical rendezvous points where stranded travellers can hitch a ride back home. The trek is often thousands of miles, which is why Coniferous University has required courses in sailing, piloting and railway etiquette.
A temporal adviser will ensure your courses aren’t taught by your future self. Paradoxical knowledge creation is for graduate students only.
Course details at Coniferous University may include the professor’s age. Many teach parallel classes, using time travel to speed up tenure.
Upon admission, all new Time Travel majors must report to 1 January of their designated historical year for instruction. During your first semester, your instructors will be able to relocate you to January of a different year if you want to study in a different historical period. After your first semester is over, the faculty will no longer help relocate you. If you can’t find your way to a different year by then, you either need more study or you need a new major.
Your resident assistant will explain which numbers are forbidden on campus. There are many.
Do not be concerned if Prof. Darling adjusts the clock in a lecture hall before class begins. He has the master key to all the clocks on every campus, and if a certain lesson is expected to take longer than normal, the lecturer may ask for time in that room to be slowed down.
Once you report for class, most instructors follow the recommended schedule:
2 January
Coniferous University’s spring semester begins. Classes end in May, except Time Travel 3302: Hyper-productivity, which ends on 3 January.
Note for February
Grad students traditionally tell first-year Time Travel students to retrieve something from 29 February. This is a common prank with potentially dangerous side effects. Please check that you are in a leap year before setting a time machine to this date.
14 March
Summer and fall semester registration begin. Students taking their required Survival 1001: Evasion Basics should start running now.
13 April
Class selection for the summer semester begins. Please note that, if the date falls on a Friday, students majoring in Theoretical Conspiracy are permitted to acknowledge the existence of Fridays, the number 13 and objective reality to meet sign-up deadlines.
3 May
Spring final exams begin. Note: As of 2015, Prof. Darling has revived the infamous ‘McFly Test’, abandoning students in the past to return on their own. Unorthodox time-travel methods are allowed, some of which are unsettling to witness.
1 June
Summer courses begin today. Note that these are not lecture-style courses. Report to July of 1789, and wear a disguise.
27 July
As the annual rivalry game with Deciduous Tech approaches, the university will post student honour guards to prevent vandalism at some of our most cherished landmarks, including the Paradox Memorial Statue, the Tomb of the Trees, and of course, February of 1986.
16 August
Class selection for the fall semester begins. Sanity screenings begin for anyone interested in postgraduate coursework. Note: After the events of 1999, the Shadow Library is closed and Space Travel 1003: Ethics of First Contact is a required course.
23 September
The last day to change classes for the fall semester. After this, you will have to find a version of yourself from another timeline willing to trade places, and we cannot guarantee your readmission if we like that version better than you.
31 October
Halloween is an officially recognised holiday for Coniferous University. This is true in every time, location, and state of being in which the university is found. No student is exempt. Wear a costume, or you will be required to start
the day again.
8 November
Fall final exams begin. Any chronological distortion through the end of the month is strictly prohibited, including slowing down for more study time, leaving the month for help, or speeding up after testing is finished to reach winter break as soon as possible.
1 December
Students go home for the winter break. The university reminds Time Travel majors not to tell anyone, even loved ones, where they attend classes. The official cover story is that you’re just studying time machine repair at a trade school in Michigan.
Within the Coniferous University Shadow Library, the most dangerous texts are locked in the ‘Do Not Read’ cage. If you are ever exposed to their text, proceed to the Hour of Quarantine so you can be debriefed and replaced with a version of yourself from a more fortunate timeline.
•Taxonomy of Earth’s Moon
•Sleep: The Truth and the Lies
•Cryptophysics
•Non-canon Colours and Sounds
•The Meteorologist’s Cookbook
•The diary of Agatha Christie, December 1926
•The End of All Mankind: A Novel
•Autochiropterology
•Gravitons – Military Applications and Strategies
•Codified Customs of the Sea
•Long Live the Dog King
•Gopherwood Carpentry
•Lineage of Irish High Kings
•The King, by Niccolò Machiavelli
•Limits and Loopholes: How to Wish Like a Pro
•Astrotoxicology
•Mortality in the Afterlife: A Proposal
•Heretical Architecture
•Franz Schubert, Symphony No. 8, fourth movement
•Cooking for Statues
•Coniferous University Student Manual, Vol. 184, by Prof. Darling
Core Time Travel Courses
Time Travel 1001: Prevenge
Coursework involves altering your past misfortunes to instead befall your enemies. Note: Enemies may also enroll.
Time Travel 1009: Motive
Critics of time travel point to the risk of deleting yourself in the past, but deleting the motive of any given mission is equally dangerous. Learn to live with regret and choose your chronological battles. Required for first-semester Time Travel majors.
Time Travel 1042: Apocalyptic Survival
There are a thousand ways for civilisation to collapse, and Coniferous University has mapped out all the most likely scenarios. Learn to thrive in everything from nuclear winter to invasion by the Forest King. Required for all CU students.
Time Travel 1092: Economics
How to stay out of the poorhouse anywhere in history. Learn why the Victorians will trade gold for aluminium cans.
Time Travel 1101: Astronomical Navigation
Before (and after) digital time machines, time travellers found their way using the sky. Learn to navigate past and future by the drifting of stars, how many pieces the moon is in, and how much of the night sky has sunk into darkness.
Time Travel 2810: Withdrawal
Mandatory for all Time Travel majors. Learn how to fight the urge to go back in time and fix every tiny mistake, or to peek at the future before taking any risk. Counsellors will explain that you are flawed, and time travel can never change that.
Time Travel 2833: Causality
Masters-level class. You now have a failing grade. Completion requires changing it using a single trip to 1943.
Time Travel 3303: Sheltering
Masters-level class. Learn to build your own bunker timeline to evade pursuit, detain foes, or avoid crisis.
Time Travel 3942: Eschatology
Doctorate-level discussion on the future of time travel in the approaching post-prophecy world. Pass/fail.
Time Travel 4402: Immortality?
*Only available to postdoctoral students*
Who wants to live forever? Basically everyone! Time travel can’t make you death-proof, but it can get pretty close. Learn how to reverse ageing, skip the days that don’t matter, and decide which memories are worth keeping.
Recommended Elective Classes for Time Travel Majors
Chromatics 411: Abandoning the Photon
Discussing how to survive non-canon colours and poisonous hues. Warning: Includes exposure to neon grey.
Space Travel 1002: Being Lost
From advanced futures to abduction by aliens visiting the ancient past, you should always know how to get back to Earth in one piece. Learn to find the Orion–Cygnus Arm of the Milky Way and avoid interstellar predators as you make your way there.
Marketing 1101: Countermeasures
How to get your message to the masses despite hypnosis filters, outrage vaults and weaponised truth serums.
Graphic Art 4001: Constellations
Students will team up with the university’s College of Space Travel to rearrange minor stars in the sky to form new galactic-scale artwork. Creations will be judged on ease of interpretation and suitability of the content for this solemn medium.
Extradimensional Biology 1113: Speciation
How to age and identify beasts of other universes by the whispering shadows they cast on reality.
Forestry 1314: Deep Woods
Join the Abyssal Forestry Project, which has deployed the first sub-sylvan craft to explore the mighty depths of the forest. The green, sunlit shallows are where children play, and where they are lost. In deep trenches you will find man’s primal fears, lit by fireflies.
Bookbinding 2130: Cryptobotany
Making ink and paper from spectral, digital and dreamscape plants. Warning: Includes exposure to ghost-rose.
Cryptozoology 1001: The Superstars
Learn tracking, spotting and evidence-destroying techniques with the three most famous cryptids: Sasquatch, yeti, and the Loch Ness monster. This course will prepare you to face more dangerous cryptids, like the unseen thing in your basement.
Cryptozoology 2231: Griffin Taxonomy
Learn the varieties of griffin beyond the famous eagle/lion. Marvel at the elegant heron/deer, the adorable hummingbird/mouse, the elusive owl/fox, and the tragic emu/man, whose avian characteristics still cannot satisfy the human dream of flight.
Meteorology 2771: Deepweather
Course covers the outward-facing storm systems that rage inside our hollow planet. Learn where lightning goes.
Space Travel 2910: Exocide
Learn the plants, poisons, songs and symbols you’ll need to slay hostile behemoths beyond human ken. Pass/fail.
Historical Engineering 3610: eUsurpation
Doctorate-level class. Completion requires deposing a reigning monarchy using only online apps.
CHAPTER 3
Space Travel
1 She had the unmistakable look of a spacefarer, covered in tattoos of our night sky so aliens could send her home if death finally found her.
2 Nobody ever tried to return to Earth. What few humans remained there were immortal, benevolent and mostly mechanical. Earth was a snooze.
3 ‘Planets communicate with longwave radiation,’ he explained. ‘What we once called “global warming” was just the Earth serenading Mars.’
4 She had grown up on a planet with two suns. She was glad to leave it behind, the dim little rock, but she couldn’t shake the mindset of that backwater world. She always made sure to install two lights in every room of her home. A single shadow just looked so lonely on its own.
5 Ninth Planet: Pluto. The asteroids littering its wild orbit, and even its dear Charon, were illusory decoys to lure away its many enemies.
Tenth Planet: Eris. Once the rocky core of Neptune, it seceded from the gas giant only to be rejected from the sanctuary of the Kuiper Belt.
Eleventh Planet: Phobia. Technically the carbon skull of a dead interstellar behemoth, its mountainous fangs ward off would-be invaders.
6 To the buoyant creatures beneath the ice, the planet’s core wa
s ‘up’. We came to them not from the sky, but the infinite starry abyss.
7 The planet had higher gravity than Earth, so we sped up its rotation. The rich lived on the equator, where their footfalls would not crush a flower. The poor lived at the poles, where the centrifugal force did almost nothing, struggling beneath the weight of their own clothes.
8 The panels of her corset were portals to deep space. With every waltz, her dance partner circled the galaxy, but he only looked at her eyes.
9 Sleep is a warning to hibernate for interstellar flight, to be spared the horrors between stars, to close our eyes until a new sun appears.
10 As we fled our dying planet with dogs in tow, other animals grew jealous of domestication. The last people to leave reported owls that were friendly and playful, bobcats standing guard over children, and teams of deer trying to pull ploughs. They all hoped we would save them, too.
11 Stardust, compressed into capsules, alleviated the desire to flee to outer space. It became mandatory as Earth’s population crisis deepened.
Quiet Pine Trees Page 2