“No.” She shook her head back and forth. “You’re going to make a full recovery. How could I cry knowing that?”
“Am I?” I tossed the shirt and walked to the rack.
I should have put one of these on before I ruined one of my good shirts with fake blood.
“You’re thinking about her, aren’t you? This new girl—Lauren.” Jasmine tilted her head to the side as I slid my arms into my new shirt.
“How can I think about anything else?” I sighed and shook my head. “I thought it was going to be different with her because Jamison Thorn was going to die today. Now I’m just walking into the same trap I’ve set for myself so many fucking times.”
“Why can’t you just be an actor during the day and a normal person after you go home.” Jasmine pulled a cigarette out of her purse and lit it. “Other people manage to do it…”
“Very few. Look at the divorce rate in Hollywood. I’m sure we bring down the national average because we get married and divorced so many fucking times.” I sat down on the couch with a thud.
“This is the land of dreams and those dreams have a price.” Jasmine took a drag from her cigarette. “I bet there are plenty of people who claim to happily married, that would trade their life for yours any day of the week.”
“I know.” I sighed. “I fucking know.”
“God damn it, Walker.” Jasmine exhaled a stream of smoke. “This is some depressing bullshit. If you’re just going to wallow in your own pity, can we at least do it with a drink in our hand?”
“Why the fuck not?” I sighed and nodded.
I got a text message from Lauren as I was following Jasmine to the parking lot. The message was actually a blessing—she wasn’t going to make it to my house anytime soon. I fired off a quick response and then crawled into the passenger seat of Jasmine’s car. If I was going to start another downward spiral, I might as well get a few drinks in me before I drove home. Maybe I could get enough whiskey in my system to actually go through with what I had to do.
I couldn’t lead Lauren down a path that was filled with lies and empty promises. I was stuck playing the role of Jamison Thorn for another year—unless they decided to kill my character off again. After the negative reaction they got, I wasn’t sure that would actually happen. Even if I decided not to sign a new contract, they would probably leave the door open for me to return to put the backlash on me for choosing to leave.
“Gin and Tonic please.” Jasmine sat down at the bar and pulled a cigarette out of her pack. “He’ll have a whiskey—none of the cheap shit either.”
“Right away—Abigail and Mr. Thorn.” The bartender nodded quickly.
“How long do you think it’ll be before he realizes he called us by our character names,” I grunted under my breath.
“Probably around the time he realizes I’m not supposed to smoke in here.” She lit her cigarette. “I bet he’s too much of a pussy to say anything.”
“I don’t know. It looks like this is one of those places where they don’t give a fuck about the smoking ban.” I looked around a noticed a couple of plumes of smoke being ignored by the staff, and the smell was lingering in the air. “Then again—you probably knew that before you picked it.”
“Maybe.” Jasmine turned to me and smiled. “Okay, so carry on with your depressing diatribe.”
“I’m not depressed.” I looked down at the bar. “I just know what I have to do and I’m not looking forward to it.”
“Remember when we were young?” Jasmine tilted her head slightly. “You still had color in your beard, and I didn’t have to dye my hair. We used to go out on the town and break every heart that dared to come our way.”
“I’ll never forget those days.” I chuckled under my breath.
“Here are your drinks.” The bartender returned and put them down in front of us.
“Thanks.” Jasmine winked at him and picked up her glass.
“Sorry I called you Abigail. Dangerous Thorns is always on one of the televisions here—I’m kind of addicted at this point.” He looked towards me. “Hey, is it true what they’re saying on the Internet? They’re really going to kill Jamison Thorn?”
“You’ll just have to watch to find out.” I reached for my drink. “I don’t do spoilers.”
“Right, sorry I asked—just sorry in general. I’ll let you two enjoy your drinks and I’ll keep them coming.” He gave us a quick wave and headed to the opposite side of the bar.
“See, Walker. This is why we do what we do—we touch lives.” Jasmine laughed and took a drag from her cigarette.
“Except our own—our own lives just get fucked up beyond repair.” I exhaled sharply and my breath mixed with the smoke from Jasmine’s cigarette.
“It depends what you’re looking for I guess.” Jasmine shrugged. “I’ve never been that interested in settling down. Marriage? Forget it. I get bored of the girls I fuck too fast for that.”
“What if you found the one?” I sipped my whiskey. “Someone that was truly special.”
“That’s a dream people sell you so that you’ll tie the fucking knot. It was invented by assholes who didn’t want men to abandon the women they knocked up.” She waved off what I said.
“Maybe…” I sighed. “I always wanted to have kids—I wouldn’t have abandoned their mother either.”
“You? A dad?” She raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you would have been a good one.”
“If I can’t make a marriage or a relationship work, I doubt I’d be very good at raising a kid.” I took another sip of my whiskey. “Just another dream that I get to piss on because I spent so much time being Jamison Thorn.”
Lauren was going to be different, but it wasn’t because I would be able to devote my time to her. She was going to be different because I was going to cut her out of my life before I had the chance to fuck things up like I always did. The fate of our relationship was sealed the moment Jacob said that Jamison Thorn wasn’t going to die. Lauren was amazing in every way, and breaking her heart was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done, but it was necessary. I just couldn’t go down the road I’d traveled so many times with blinders on, expecting things to turn out different.
I would throw everything I had into the character—I would bring Jamison Thorn home with me—he would infect my life like a virus until that sickness spread to our relationship. It was an unfortunate side effect of playing a character like that. I wasn’t the first person who endured that kind of conflict. I still couldn’t watch any of Heath Ledger’s movies without seeing what the roles he played did to him, especially since I once called him a friend. I wasn’t accelerating towards death’s door by any means, but I was trapped in my own personal version of hell. My demon had me locked in a contract for another year—and there was a chance that I’d sign my next contract in blood too if they offered me one.
“What time is it?” I put down my third drink and looked at my watch. “Shit, I bet Lauren is already at my house.”
“I guess it’s time to pay the bill.” Jasmine drained her glass. “Are you sure you should be driving?”
“You had more to drink that I did.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “I should probably drive you back to the studio.”
“Please, I can drive in Los Angeles with my eyes closed.” She scoffed and pulled her keys out. “You’re the one I’m worried about—I don’t want you to decide a telephone pole looks better than going home.”
“For fuck’s sake!” I shook my head back and forth. “I’m having a crisis—I plan to get home in one piece.”
Jasmine had really only seen me hit rock bottom once before—right after my third marriage fell apart. I managed to walk away from the first two with a shrug of my shoulders. The third took a toll. I was going to add another weight to that toll when I got home and ended things with Lauren. I would recover, but it would take a while. If I couldn’t have Lauren, then I would just return to the cold bed I had gotten used to since my divorce. Random hookups had lost their thrill, and I didn’t
like pulling a woman into my bed because she wanted a part in a movie—not anymore. It took me a long time to grow up—but old dogs and what not—I was certainly that. I even had the silver beard to prove it.
I responded to Lauren’s message when I got back to my car. I definitely shouldn’t have been driving, but I cranked the car up anyway. It wasn’t a huge risk. There was a back road that would take me most of the way home and very few people took it. It would have taken a lot of effort to hit someone on that stretch of road. Once I got to my neighborhood, I cruised towards my house and watched for pedestrians. I usually didn’t see any—the kids in my neighborhood were far too rich to wander out into the street. Some of them even had bodyguards. I passed a couple of women that were jogging, but beyond that, it was as silent as it could be. I saw Lauren’s car when I got to my gate. My eyes started to water, but I fought to keep that at bay. I was great at breaking hearts—I just didn’t usually do it on my own accord.
There won’t be any acting tonight. I can’t pretend she doesn’t mean anything to me, even if I try.
I did my best. I really did. I tried to push Lauren away. I tried to be cold and distant. I even tried to bring the rage out so that she would hit me. That would have been easier. She just wasn’t in the same place I was—she didn’t have darkness in her heart. She wanted to fight for what we had. I did too—before I found out that I would just be swinging at an impossible target. Lauren—she really was amazing though. She took everything I threw at her and still kissed me. She still wanted me. Before I even realized what was happening, I had her in my arms. I was devouring those lips that I craved so much.
Our hunger was too strong for me to fight against. It felt like time stood still—or maybe it was the alcohol in my veins. One minute we were kissing and the next, I was upstairs in my room—with my desires overwhelming everything else. I tore at her clothes. I was conflicted, but I wanted her. It felt like my heart was tore in half in my chest, yet both pieces reached out to the woman that had come into my life like a tornado—a tornado that kept spinning when were naked in bed and my lips were teasing her body.
“Don’t push me away—please.” She purred into my ear.
“I’m going to hurt you.” I sighed. “It’s inevitable.”
“Then hurt me.” She dug her nails into my back. “Break me in half if that is what it takes for you to love me.”
“Loving you is easy…” I moved my hand to her clit and started rubbing. “It’s everything else that is so fucking hard.”
“Then tonight—just love me.” She wrapped her legs around my waist.
This is my fucking addiction and I don’t know how to let go of it. Fuck, I’m going to regret this tomorrow because I was so fucking close to pushing her away—now I just can’t do it.
I hesitated when my cock was pressed against the entrance of her pussy. She squeezed her legs tighter and tried to pull me inside her. I was scared—all of the emotions swept through me all at once. I finally couldn’t resist the desire that made me long for Lauren’s touch. It was more intense than everything else. I pushed the head of my cock past the entrance and she lifted her hips to pull me the rest of the way until I was as deep as I could go. I started thrusting while my lips moved against her skin. Every single touch of my lips felt like it was seared to her flesh—like they were leaving smoldering scars on her perfect body. I was giving in to something I should have ran from—pushed away from me—and damn it, I tried. I started to thrust, and the pleasure drowned out the hesitation. I could love her until our passion was satiated—but I wasn’t sure how long that would take, or what the morning would bring.
“You’re not here with me.” Lauren dug her nails into her back. “Come back to me—you’re so far away.”
“I’m trying.” I exhaled sharply. “It feels so fucking good—I promise I’m trying.”
My body craved her. Everything inside me wanted to plunge that sweet addiction into my veins and overdose on the desire that stormed between us. Her words were true, even if I was doing everything I could to exist in that moment with her. My head was still a mess. My soul was gnawing at me. All of the things that could go wrong was tearing me up inside while my body crashed into Lauren. It became clear in that moment, in the reflection of worry in her eyes that hadn’t went away, that I had been wrong. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to be Jamison Thorn and Walker Delaney at the same time—I didn’t know who Walker Delaney was. He was an illusion I threw in front of me when I stepped off the set. My body marched forward with his name scrawled on my skin, but he was never real.
I drowned that part of myself in lies that I’ve told myself, but the kid who would have become the man I was meant to be never grew up. He was replaced.
“Keep going—harder.” Lauren pressed her lips to my neck and exhaled sharply into my ear. “I want you to make me come…”
My thrusts got faster. I set all of the doubt inside me on fire and watched it burn out in front of my eyes. I embraced who I was—who I would always be. There was no other option. My hands found Lauren’s wrists. I pinned her to the bed and started to slam into her so hard that I could feel the wood underneath us trying to splinter as I abused it. I was no longer two halves of a whole, I was simply one entity that drew breath and felt pleasure. There was no Jamison Thorn. There never was. He was the real illusion—the real shield that allowed me to just do awful things and blame it on some sort of fracture formed from the character I played. That’s who Walker Delaney was. He was a broken man who didn’t deserve the woman in my arms—yet he wanted to consume her. I wanted to consume her.
“Your mine.” I squeezed her wrists harder and felt my cock throb.
“Yes—oh fuck. Yes, Daddy. You’re gonna make me come!” Lauren’s eyes locked on my stare.
My cock throbbed and pulsated until the pressure in my balls could no longer be contained. I felt her pussy start to spasm, and it was all I could take. I filled her with my seed—knots of thick cum rushing through my shaft until her orgasm milked me dry. The tightness in my muscles began to relax. I let go of Lauren’s wrists and supported my weight with my fists against the mattress. My arms started to shake, so I shifted to the side and crashed into the bed beside her. I pulled her into my arms and held her as the afterglow slowed my pulse and heart rate down. The alcohol finally started to take a toll as it mixed with the endorphins that burned through my veins when passion devoured me. All I could do was close my eyes and let the darkness take me. It wasn’t going to be a peaceful night of sleep, but I had to give in to it anyway.
The next morning
I woke up as Lauren pulled herself out of my arms. I heard the sound of her putting on her clothes. I didn’t turn to face her. I knew she was leaving. There was no reason to try and stop her. I saw it in her eyes before the climax of our passion pulled us into the nether void of the night. She finally understood what I knew when I tried to push her away—she saw through the illusion the moment I did. She climbed back into bed once she was dressed and I closed my eyes to pretend that I was still asleep. It would be easier without another goodbye. Her lips pressed the side of my forehead—one final venomous kiss that would be sweet poison in my veins—an addiction that would never be tasted again.
“Goodbye Walker.” She exhaled into my ear. “I’m sorry.”
Goodbye Lauren. I’m sorry too.
Fourteen
Lauren
I cried when I got to the car. I held them back until then. I was awake for nearly two hours before I finally got the courage to leave Walker’s arms, because I knew I wouldn’t feel them around me again. I fought for my desire—for the love that was rooted inside me for a man I had known for less than a week, but then something shattered. It was like a veil being pulled away from both of our eyes at the same time. I finally saw what he kept saying—but what he said was a lie—a lie he told himself. I couldn’t chase a ghost that didn’t exist.
It wasn’t that Walker struggled to separate himself from his work or le
ave it behind when he left the set—the real problem was that he didn’t know himself. As desperately as I wanted to cling to him for dear life and tell myself those same lies, I knew it was over. Loving a man that didn’t know how to exist without burning the world down would have been willingly walking to the flames. Regardless of how long we held on to each other, the flames would always be nipping at our souls with every intention of destroying us. What I didn’t know until that moment was that it wasn’t a fire burning out of control. Walker was the one pouring gasoline on it.
I hate to accept it, but I have no other choice.
Two months later
Life after Walker was similar to life before Walker. I still got up in the morning, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and put my jeans on one leg at a time—after my panties were firmly around my hips, of course. I drank coffee, ate breakfast, made idle conversation with Madeleine, and then we both went to school. I attended my classes, did what I was supposed to do while I was there, and worked on my schoolwork when I got back to my apartment. Occasionally, I would have a reminder of him. A scent in a hallway—a man with silver in his beard on the street—an errant channel flip that landed on the one where a Dangerous Thorns commercial was playing. Those reminders made me smile, because despite the scar loving Walker had left on my heart, what we had was beautiful when he was mine—even if it was a brief moment across the span of space and time.
“What do you want to do today?” Madeleine walked into the living room and plopped down on the couch. “It’s Saturday. I feel like we should go out—we still haven’t made it downtown to try out our fake IDs at one of those clubs.”
“Maybe.” I nodded. “I need to work on my article for NewsNow this afternoon, and do a little shopping, but I wouldn’t mind going out tonight.”
“I still can’t believe NewsNow was so impressed with your first article that they gave you your own column on their website—but then again, they aren’t paying you.” Madeleine raised an eyebrow. “Are they ever going to pay you?”
Once Upon a Daddy: A Romance Anthology Page 43