by Jade Alters
Something flashes across his face. Something bitter and angry.
“It was a lifetime ago, and a mistake. I thought the bastard was a friend. We’d been soldiers together in one of the countless wars humans like to engage in. I was injured in battle, and this man saw me heal. I told him what I really was, and though he promised to keep my secret…he didn’t. He told our superiors and they wanted to capture me and harness my abilities for their own selfish uses…I escaped and went into hiding, something I’d done a thousand times before. I swore I’d never tell another human what I was after that.”
I can feel the blood draining from my face, suddenly glad I haven’t managed to ask him to participate in my research. The anger flickering in his eyes is more than enough warning that he likely wouldn’t respond well to my request. He would likely think I was just trying to use him like those soldiers. If I’m going to get his help, I need to be very careful about how I go about it.
“You’re really pale all of a sudden,” he tells me, his expression shifting to one of concern. “Are you feeling alright?”
I quickly nod. “Yes, yes, sorry…hearing about your life is just making me realize how incredible of a being you really are.”
He looks somewhat embarrassed by that. “Oh…don’t think that. I’m not incredible.”
“I think you are,” I whisper, dropping my gaze to my plate of food. Why did I just say that? What the hell is the matter with me?
I can feel him gazing at me again and I slowly look up to meet his eyes. We stare at each other for several long moments, and the silence stretching between us feels heavy and loaded with some kind of significance. It scares me a bit and I look away.
“Um…we should eat. I’d hate for the food to get cold,” I say with a half-grin.
His nostrils flare, but he nods. “I hope you like it.”
I pick up my fork. “I’m sure I will.”
We begin to eat, and though the food is good, I’m hardly paying attention to it apart from chewing and swallowing it. I’m way too distracted by whatever it was that just crossed between Aleixo and me. I don’t know what it was, and I’m not sure I want to know. It feels like it will only make things so much more complicated than they already are.
And, really, since I now know that phoenixes are real and my dreams for my research are seemingly possible, I’ve got enough to concern myself with.
The next week or so, Aleixo and I settle into a new routine. We both continue to work long hours in our respective labs, not seeing much of each other throughout the day, but we’ve started eating our meals together and actually hanging out some in the evenings. We watch movies or play games. Sometimes we’ll just sit and talk, though we never discuss our work. It’s an unspoken rule that we’ve both apparently agreed to, which has made it difficult for me to come up with a way to ask for his help.
Aleixo’s attitude and demeanor toward me has shifted in a very surprising way. He’s no longer grumpy and standoffish. He’s actually friendly and charming in his own awkward way when he’s not avoiding me like the plague. I find myself looking forward to the moments we spend together, and feel more and more drawn to him with each passing day.
That, in and of itself, however, is somewhat of a problem.
The more I get to know Aleixo, the more my attraction for him seems to grow. We haven’t said a word to each other about what’s happened between us, but it’s on my mind all the damn time. I try to ignore it, but it’s pervasive, and I’ve caught myself staring at him when he’s not looking, imagining what it would be like to have his weight pressing into me as he kisses me and drives into me again and again…
It’s those thoughts that are proving hard to avoid. It doesn’t help any when I catch him looking at me with hunger in his gaze, or when it’s obvious he’s making efforts not to touch me, no doubt for fear of a repeat of what happened last time. I oblige him, keeping a safe distance between us when we’re cooking together, making sure we don’t accidently brush hands when we’re sitting on the squeaky old couch in the common room, and dodging him in the hallways so we don’t wind up pressed together in passing.
While it might all seem a bit extreme, I tell myself such actions are necessary because it’s clear neither or us really want to explore the growing attraction and sexual tension simmering between us. It only makes sense, really. I’m not staying long-term, and so under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t make a ton of sense for me to get involved with him as it would have to end when I left to go back home.
There’s also the issue of him being a phoenix and me being a human. I don’t know if interspecies relations are something that can even happen between us, or what the consequences might be. I’ve considered asking Aleixo directly if he’s had any experience being with humans, or knows of other phoenixes who have, but I’ve chickened out of posing the question each time an opportunity has arose. I can’t imagine that such a relationship isn’t frowned upon, though. At the very least, it would only ever end in heartbreak. He’s immortal, and will continue to regenerate and live for generations to come. I will eventually grow old and die, like any normal human.
How could we possibly attempt to be together in anyway with that reality looming over our heads like an executioner’s ax?
Then there’s my own guilt to contend with. Ever since he told me the story of the human who betrayed him, I’ve grown more and more afraid of telling him about my research and how he could help me with it. I know I’m not technically lying by not admitting that I’ve been researching phoenixes in the hopes that they were real and I could somehow tap into their abilities for human use, but it’s a lie by omission and the weight of it gets heavier every day that passes.
So, needless to say, there are a plethora of reasons why nothing should ever happen between Aleixo and me. Even a casual fling would prove far too complicated given everything that’s already between us. Knowing this, we both are doing our best to ignore our clear attraction and keep things as platonic and friendly as we can. I think we’re doing a good job of resisting and even have hope that things will just fizzle out given enough time.
Oh, how silly and naïve I am.
One day, I make my way to the greenhouse, wanting to restock our refrigerator with some veggies. I reach the entrance and walk inside, but come to an almost immediate stop the moment I cross the threshold. Aleixo is there, tending to his personal plants that he’s been using in his work. He hasn’t noticed that I’ve walked in behind him, and I take the moment to admire him as he moves. He’s so graceful; almost unnaturally so, and he works with such confidence, I’m borderline jealous.
Truthfully, though, I don’t think I’ve ever been so attracted to a man before. It’s as if every nerve in my body stands at attention when I’m near him, and something short-circuits in my brain, making it increasingly difficult to remember why it’s just a bad idea for us to be together in any way beyond friendship.
Still, as I watch him, my eyes are drawn to the bulge of his biceps beneath his long-sleeved shirt, and the rippling of his shoulders and back. I bite my lip unconsciously and my mind is zooming with different scenarios of what we could do together in this steamy greenhouse.
Suddenly, he stiffens and before I can tear my gaze from him, he turns and catches me staring. We lock eyes and I can tell by his expression that I haven’t hidden my desire quickly enough. We stay like that for several moments, and I swear that the air between us starts to sizzle. I have enough rational thought in my brain to realize I need to get out of there. The longer I’m around him, the easier it’s going to be for me to forget why the idea of us is a bad one.
Without a word, I turn, well aware that I look like I’m running away, but I can’t make myself care in that moment. I move to the door, but somehow, before I can reach it, I feel his hand touch my shoulder. I barely have time to ask myself how he got behind me so quickly before that heat explodes through my body again. It’s radiating from his hand and spilling into me, filling me with an aching
need that makes my knees weak.
I whirl around to face him without thinking. He’s close. Too close. I stare up at him, momentarily at a loss as to what I should do. His gaze is dark and hungry, and for a moment, I think he might try to kiss me again. What startles me more than that, though, is the knowledge that I desperately want him to, and that I’ve been hiding that from myself.
That thought manages to yank me out of the daze I’ve fallen into. I quickly step out of his reach. We haven’t spoken a word to each other this whole time, but there’s enough hanging in the air between us that doesn’t need to be said out loud. Before he can stop me, I turn and run out of the room and away from the temptation that I have no doubt would just lead us both into misery.
Samantha
I race back to my room, my heart pounding so hard it feels like it’s vibrating my whole chest. When I reach my dorm, I rush inside and slam the door shut behind me, pressing my back to it as I try to catch my breath and calm my nerves.
Damn it, what am I going to do? My desire for Aleixo is just getting worse with each passing day. I’m supposed to be getting over it, not ogling him from across the room.
How in the world am I supposed to last a few more months of this, locked away in a confined space with a man that I know I shouldn’t want, but desperately do?
A sudden, firm knock on my door makes me jump and let out a surprised yelp.
“Who is it?” I automatically call out, then flinch because that’s stupid. There is literally no one else it could be.
There is a long pause, as I’m sure I’ve caught him by surprise with my dumb question.
“Um…Aleixo,” he finally mutters.
I squeeze my eye shut and groan in embarrassment. Could I make this situation any more awkward?
“Samantha, open the door please,” he says in a heavy voice. “We need to talk about this.”
I press my hands flat against the door and hang my head between my arms. He’s right. He’s so right, but I’m a coward and would much rather pretend none of this was happening. He knocks on the door again, and I know he’s not going to let me off the hook. Releasing a heavy, defeated sigh, I drop my hands so I can open the door. Aleixo is standing there with his arms crossed and his mouth turned down into a frown. At the sight of him, whatever resolve I had to be a grown up in this situation immediately evaporates.
“What’s up?” I ask in a cheery voice, deciding to play dumb.
“You and I really need to figure out what to do about this,” he tells me.
“About what?”
His frown turns into a scowl. “Don’t do that, Samantha. You know what I’m talking about.”
I shrug. “Can’t say that I do.”
He takes a menacing step toward me and it’s everything I can do not to shrink away from him. Not out of any kind of fear that he might hurt me. No…it’s just the opposite.
“Samantha, you’re smarter than this and we both know it,” he growls. “You can pretend all you want that nothing is going on between us, but until we figure out how to deal with it, it’s not going away.”
Why does he have to be so straightforward and blunt about everything? It makes it almost impossible to continue acting as if I’ve no idea what he’s talking about.
I release a frustrated snort. “Fine, yes, there’s clearly something between us. I admit it. Happy now?”
He moves a step away from me, putting some much-needed distance between us.
Nodding, he says, “Happy to have you admit it, not so happy to have this problem in the first place.”
I almost flinch when he calls our attraction to each other a problem. I get that it’s not ideal, but is it really that bad of a thing?
Forcing those thoughts aside, I lift my chin and meet his gaze. “Okay, now that it’s out there, what are we supposed to do about it?”
He looks less sure of himself now, scratching the back of his head and letting out a baffled sigh.
“Honestly? I’m not sure. I know that acting on whatever it is that’s between us is a bad idea, though.”
I nod. “Agreed. A very bad idea. I’m only staying here a few more months.”
“And I’m not even technically human.”
“There’s that too,” I murmur.
“So we both agree, it would be a very bad idea to do anything to act on this attraction,” he states.
Gulping, I reply, “Yes, absolutely. An awful idea.”
We fall silent and stare at each other. It feels awkward again, but it’s not as bad as before, and I’m also feeling like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. As long as we’re both on the same page and both aware of the fact that we don’t want to be together in anyway other than friendship, I think we’ll be able to keep a lid on the boiling pot that is our desire.
I stick my hand out for him to shake, as if we’re making some sort of deal. I don’t realize exactly what I’m doing until he grasps it and neither does he. We both recognize our mistake in the same instant as our eyes meet. That heat explodes through me again, stealing my breath and making my stomach twist. It rushes through me and settles between my legs until I’m pulsing with a desire so strong, it’s all-consuming. Aleixo’s grip on my hand tightens and I continue to stare back at him, his gaze smoldering. His jaw is clenched and he’s staring at me like he wants to devour me whole.
“Aleixo…” I breath.
His nostrils flare and a snarl rips from his throat. The next thing I know, he’s yanking me forward and into his arms. I slam against his chest, and before I can regain my bearings, his mouth descends on mine in a searing kiss. My lips part on a gasp and he sweeps his tongue into claim mine.
This kiss is different from the last one. Our first kiss was desperate and greedy, almost animalistic. We were following our instincts more than anything. This time, there’s intentionality behind what he’s doing and how he uses his mouth, tongue, and teeth. He wants to drive me crazy, and dear God, he’s succeeding. I press myself closer to him, eager for more, all thoughts of why this isn’t a good idea flying from my head.
When I’m breathless and quivering with need, he pulls back just enough to whisper against my lips, “Tell me to stop, and I will. I’ll walk out this door and this will never happen again.”
I can hear it in his tone that he’s telling me the truth. He’s giving me the power to bring this to an end. To stop us from crossing a line that we’ll never be able to come back from because the first time could be chalked up to an accident, a mistake. This time, we’re both fully aware of what we’re doing. The words are at the back of my throat. I know I should tell him to go. That would be the better choice for the both of us.
“Don’t stop.” The words slip past my lips before I fully realize I’ve said them. They simmer in the air between us, sealing our fate, for better or for worse.
Aleixo is the first to move. He reaches down and grasps the back of my thighs before hoisting me in the air. His lips find mine once more as he walks me across the room toward my small bed. Setting me down on the edge, he steps back, just out of my reach, and begins to shed his clothes. I feel my cheeks heat and my belly starts to flutter with nerves. I didn’t see him fully naked the last time. He’s leanly muscled with smooth skin and a broad chest.
He begins to undo his pants and my breath hitches. Pausing in his movements, he leans down over me, placing his hands on either side of my hips and bringing his face level to mine. He doesn’t say a word and just kisses me, somehow knowing that I needed that contact with him even when I didn’t realize it myself. One of his hands moves up to toy with the bottom of my shirt, and then he slips his fingers under the fabric to caress my side and belly.
Slowly, he pushes my shirt up over my head and then tosses it to the side. He doesn’t stop kissing me as his hands begin to caress my breasts, still covered by my bra. His movements are careful and tender, but his touch is still firm and confident. He slips my bra straps down before reaching around to undo the clasp and pull it off me
, and suddenly I’m bare from the waist up. Pulling back from our kiss, he gazes down at me and his eyes grow hooded.
“Gods, Samantha…you’re so beautiful.”
His words send a shiver of pleasure coursing through me and I can’t help my smile. I don’t say anything, because I’m still embarrassed and have never been great at dirty talk, but I reach up and smooth my hands over his chest. He puffs up slightly, as if wanting more of my touch. My smile widens and then I let my hands slide down his torso to his half-fastened pants. Aleixo tenses, clearly understanding my intent, and he doesn’t move as I finish undoing his pants and then slide them down his hips with his underwear.
When his erection springs free, I gaze at it, mesmerized. I wrap my fingers around his base. He hisses out a breath when I stroke upward. I do it again, and again, until I have a steady rhythm going. He grows harder in my hand, until his fingers suddenly wrap around my wrist to still my movements.
* * *
“If you keep that up, I won’t last,” he bluntly tells me. “And I want to last.”
I want him to last too. I want us to take our time with each other, because this feels significant. I can’t really articulate why or how, but deep down there’s a part of me that knows this isn’t just sexual attraction. Whatever this is, it deserves reverence.
Aleixo gently presses against my shoulder, guiding me to my back on the bed. Then, he reaches for my pants.
“Wait,” I gasp before I can stop myself.
He freezes and glances up at me with a furrowed brow. “What’s wrong?”
Heat suffuses my cheeks and I throw my arms over my face to hide from him. “I’m just…afraid. Of how you’ll react.”
His fingers clutch my forearms and he gently pries my arms away so I have no choice but to meet his gaze.