by M. Katherton
Paige perched in her chair like a dog awaiting a treat when I entered Mrs. Wilson’s English classroom about three minutes before the tardy bell. Her curly hair was tied up in a ponytail with an oversized white bow that matched the white glittery sweater she wore.
“Good morning, Jessica!” She chirped, taking a sip from the iced coffee sitting on her desk, a regular staple to her morning despite the temperature outside.
“Morning.” I responded politely, proceeding with caution as I figured she would talk to me about Kendra again. I pulled out my copy of Of Mice and Men and opened it up to the chapter we had left off on last class, hoping she would get the hint that I wasn’t up for talking but perky Paige either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
“Kendra feels really bad about what happened.”
“Oh.” I acknowledged, hoping my clear disinterest would make her stop talking but it didn’t.
“Like she’s been so withdrawn. You guys are best friends. She’s lost without you.”
It took every ounce of self-control in my body to not snap back with “she’ll get over it” or “sucks to be her”. I instead changed the subject, pulling last night’s homework out of my bag and asking what she got for the last question. Paige finally got the hint and let it go. I tried not to be irritated with her as it wasn’t her fault Kendra made her be the middleman. I just wanted Kendra to move on and let our friendship peacefully die.
I invited Ryan over after school to meet my mom. He followed me home in his truck and we kissed for a few minutes on the driveway before going inside. I found Mom in the kitchen, unloading the dishwasher and singing along to a Backstreet Boys song that I didn’t remember the name of on the radio.
“Mom,” I interrupted, wanting the embarrassment to end as quickly as possible.
“Yeah?” She called without turning around, putting some silverware in an open drawer.
“I brought Ryan.”
“Oh!” She spun around, setting down the silverware and hitting the off button on the radio. “Hi Ryan, I’m Vanessa Schaefer, Jessica’s mom.” She introduced, shaking his hand.
Ryan looked from me to Mom then back to me. “You guys do look just alike.”
“Yeah, she’s my carbon copy.” Mom chuckled, slinging an arm around my shoulder, thankfully not finding it weird that Ryan had somehow heard before that we looked alike. “Do you want a snack? I haven’t been to the grocery store this week so we don’t have a lot but you’re welcome to anything you find.”
Ryan helped himself to some fruit snacks in the pantry and we sat at the kitchen table as Mom grilled him with the typical getting-to-know-you questions of school, his family, and his hobbies. Though I always got nervous when meeting people’s parents for the first time, Ryan handled it like a pro. I was a little thankful that his own mother lived across the country so I wouldn't have to meet her and be subjected to her questions.
When my siblings came home, I expected them to ask Ryan embarrassing questions and for Spencer to sing the Jessica and Ryan sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G song that he had sang when Mom mentioned in front of him that I had a boyfriend a few nights ago. However, Mom must have told them to be polite and possibly bribed them when she picked them at the bus stop because they were the least annoying they could have been. Macy was shy as usual when meeting new people but Spencer, who never met a stranger, had all sorts of questions for Ryan.
“Are you gonna marry Jess?” He asked as he stuck a miniature straw into his juice box.
“Uh…” Ryan hesitated, looking to me for guidance.
“Not right now. We’re too young to get married.” I answered quickly.
“But one day?”
“I don’t know, Spencer. Why don’t you tell Ryan about your train collection?”
Though Ryan likely would have rather talked about a lot of things besides Spencer’s train collection, anything was better than getting pestered by a seven-year-old about marriage. Ryan listened intently and asked relevant questions as Spencer babbled on about his trains. The glow in my little brother’s eyes that someone older seemed to care so much melted my heart. As if I needed any more evidence that Ryan was a keeper, this was it.
After dinner that night, once my siblings were in bed, Mom came to my room as she always did whenever she wanted to talk. She had taken Macy to dance after Ryan left and hadn’t had the opportunity to give me her opinion of him.
“What’d you think?” I asked, connecting my phone to its charger as it was currently under twenty percent.
“I like him. He’s very polite.” She answered though I wasn’t entirely convinced. Being a real estate agent, she was a professional at telling people exactly what they wanted to hear but I knew her well enough to see right through it.
“Are you sure?”
She nodded. “Why? Should I not like him?”
“No, you should. You just don’t sound convinced.”
She shrugged and took her usual seat on the edge of my bed, signaling she wanted to have a conversation instead of just tell me she liked Ryan and was happy we were together. She was quiet for a minute as though formulating how to let me down easiest.
“Honestly, he reminds me a little of James, your father, the kind of guy who is nice and agreeable at first and then totally turns once they get what you want. And I don’t know why I get that vibe and maybe I’m just paranoid, but that’s what I’ve got.”
My mouth hung open in confusion. I didn’t know if I should defend my dad, defend Ryan, or defend both but instead of doing any of those things, I remained silent.
“I could be wrong.” Mom carried on, possibly back-peddling in fear that she’d crossed the line. “I just want you to be careful, okay?”
“Why does he remind you of…” I didn’t know what to call him but she knew who I meant. “Like how do you know he’s not just a nice guy? Why can’t he just be a nice guy?”
She shrugged, looking down at the bedspread instead of at me. “I just can’t explain it. I have a sixth sense about guys. Maybe it’s my trust issues. I like him. I do. I promise. I just want you to keep your eyes open, okay? I don’t want you to be with someone who just wants you for sex.”
“I’m not gonna get pregnant!” I blurted out, feeling this was her reason for being uncertain about him. “I’m not you!”
“Whoa.” She stood up and stepped back from my bed. “I didn’t say you were gonna get pregnant. I just want you to be careful. Not just sexually, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to be head over heals in love with the first guy you ever date. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“This sounds like a you problem, not a Ryan problem.” I accused, expecting her to get mad and lash back at me. She remained calm though, pushing her dark hair out of her face as she perched on the edge of my desk, probably too afraid to sit back on the bed.
“I’m not gonna fight you on it. You asked for my opinion and I gave it. Guys in high school often just want one thing and will tell you whatever they think you want to hear to get that. I just want you to be careful. That’s all.”
I wanted to accuse her of being judgmental of Ryan despite just meeting him and for being wrong about my dad who seemed way more open and accepting of Ryan than she was. I wanted to shout at her that it was her fault for getting pregnant because she wasn’t safe and that she shouldn’t take that out on me but I didn’t. Instead, I crawled under my covers to disengage from the conversation.
“Alright, Jess.” She sighed, feeling either guilty, exasperated, or both. “I’ll leave you alone.”
She turned the lights off as she left my room, leaving me alone in the dark to suffocate in my thoughts. Probably no guy I ever brought home would be good enough for her, even if he was a high school version of Ross. I was tired of letting her opinions dictate my life. She was wrong about my dad and she was wrong about Ryan too.
Wednesday, February 27th, 2019
Mom was gone by the time I got up for school, probably having a great night’s sleep despite all the unfair
assumptions she had made about Ryan last night. However, as I brewed a cup of hazelnut coffee, Ross strolled into the kitchen.
“Morning, Jess.” He greeted, chipper per usual despite the early morning hour.
“Morning.”
“You doing okay?”
I figured Mom had talked to him about the conversation we had last night and probably poured all her biased opinions about Ryan into him. Ryan left yesterday before Ross got home so now whenever he did meet him, he would already have Mom’s preconceived notions in his head.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” I answered regardless of the hours I had tossed and turned last night before falling asleep.
Ross snacked on a breakfast bar after I poured my coffee into a to-go mug, having just a few minutes left before I had to leave for school. Now definitely was not the time to talk about anything heavy but I didn’t know the next time I would be able to catch Ross alone. Therefore, I blurted out,
“I met my dad!”
He nearly choked on the bite he had just taken and started coughing. Though we had talked about me meeting my dad before, I probably shouldn’t have dropped this on him while he had food in his mouth.
“Sorry. I just wanted to tell you and didn’t know when I would catch you alone again.”
He took a sip from his newly filled coffee mug and cleared his throat. “It’s okay. You just caught me by surprise.”
“I met him at a bowling alley. He’s on a team there. I didn’t plan to meet him, just wanted to go scope him out, see what he was like. But he recognized me because I look just like Mom. Then I had coffee with him at Starbucks. He’s really nice.”
“Wow.” Ross exclaimed, likely unsure how to proceed. The last time we had talked about it he told me he thought I deserved to know about my dad but maybe he had changed his mind now that it had actually happened. Maybe he saw my dad as a threat to our relationship.
“I just wanted to tell somebody. Please don’t tell Mom.”
“I won’t tell your mom.” He assured. “But wow, I don’t know what to say. That’s a big deal. Did you do this all yourself?”
“Ryan was with me at the bowling alley.”
“Well, I’m glad you finally got to meet him and that he’s nice.” He admitted. “I worried you would meet him and he would be an ass and hurt you. But I guess my mental image of him is pretty skewed by Vanessa.”
“There’s two sides to every story.”
“Absolutely. Well, I’m happy for you, Jess. But I still want you to be careful, okay? You can always come to me if you ever need help or need to talk about it.”
“Thanks, Ross.” I hugged him, grateful to have a stepdad who was the most levelheaded adult in my life and the perfect complement to my high-strung mother. Though it probably caused him so dissonance to have to keep this secret from Mom, I knew he would take it to the grave in order to protect me. Though Ross was my stepdad, he had always treated me like I was his own.
Ryan invited me to come over after school that day. When I complained about being tired at lunch, he suggested we take a nap together at his place so I could catch up on sleep. I didn’t know if he actually wanted to do more than sleep but it would get me away from my mother for the afternoon so I agreed. I texted her my plans after school so she wouldn’t be concerned when I didn’t show up at home then put my phone in my backpack, not caring about her reaction. Eighteen Februaries ago, she banged my dad and got knocked up. She had no right to judge me if I wanted to sleep with Ryan.
I followed Ryan home to a two-story red brick townhome about two miles from the school. His brother Garen was at work so we had the place to ourselves. The downstairs looked like a typical bachelor pad – a case of beer in the fridge, empty pizza boxes on the kitchen counter, posters of women in bikinis on the wall – and Garfield the cat slept soundly on the couch, not curious at all about a new person in the house. Ryan’s bedroom was upstairs and while I hadn’t expected it to be spotless, I was surprised to find a mountain of dirty laundry – all black – in the middle of the floor, an unmade bed, and empty food wrappers on the ground.
“Sorry it’s a little messy.” He apologized as if there were just a few things on the floor. “Inviting you over was kind of a spur of the moment thing.”
“It’s fine.” I assured though the mess was a little off-putting considering I kept my room relatively neat.
He picked up an empty plastic water bottle and another pizza box and tossed it on the ground then gestured to the bed. “Wanna take a nap?”
“Sure.” I agreed. I wasn’t sure if this was the part where I asked him if he had any condoms or if he had been tested recently but I didn’t want to seem to forward if he actually just wanted to nap. Ryan took off his jeans, revealing a pair of red boxers that I was surprised weren’t black, then climbed in bed beside me, cuddling up next to me under a plush blanket.
We pretended to sleep for a few minutes. He spooned up against me, his chin resting on my shoulder. I didn’t know what to say if he asked me to have sex. While I had told him I wanted to go slow, his boner pressed up against my leg hinted that slow wasn’t his default speed.
“I’m hot. Are you hot?” He eventually asked. I nodded, expecting him to get up and turn on the fan or get a lighter blanket. Instead, he ripped his black t-shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. He then grabbed the hem of my army green long sleeve shirt and did the same, revealing my blue and pink polka dotted bra. He would have stopped if I asked him to, but I didn’t want him to stop.
Ryan climbed on top of me and started kissing me. His skin was smooth and warm. He slid his hands under my bra and played with my boobs, rubbing my nipples between his fingers, making me heat up even more.
“That feel good?” He whispered.
I nodded. I didn’t know if he wanted me to reciprocate – to rip off his boxer shorts and play with his penis – but I didn’t know what to do. Unlike him, I wasn’t sexually experienced. I didn’t want to do the wrong thing and ruin the moment. I still didn’t even know if he had condoms.
“Is it okay if I take this off?” He asked, his fingers on the clasp of my bra. I nodded. He undid it without struggling, hinting he was no amateur. He threw it over the side of the bed and put his mouth of my left boob, flicking my nipple with his tongue. I felt like a shaken up soda bottle but exploding with horniness instead of carbonation.
“That feels so good!” I moaned, wishing it could go on forever. I had always thought people got sexual pleasure mostly from a penis going into a vagina but this was amazing.
“Want me to go down on you?”
I nodded. He unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them off followed by my pink and white striped underwear. Had I known that today was the first time Ryan would see me naked, I would have worn something sexier. I doubt Ryan cared though. He crouched over me and started eating me out, holding my breasts with his hands as he did. My nerves completely disappeared. It felt so good that I could hardly contain myself. I screamed loud enough that the people in the next duplex probably heard me but I didn’t care. I never had an orgasm before today, but I knew when I got there.
“How was that?” He asked as I panted, my whole body shaking and my teeth buzzing.
“So good.”
He kissed each of my breasts again then laid down beside me. I half-expected him to ask me to have sex but instead he admitted, “I don’t have any condoms. But that’s a little preview.”
“It was fun.” I giggled. “Buy condoms.”
“I will.” He promised, kissing my cheek.
I got home around seven after Ryan and I got Chinese food for dinner. Ross had gone to pick up Macy from dance and Spencer was upstairs playing which left Mom alone in the living room when I came in.
“Hey.” She greeted though the smirk on her face hinted that she knew what I had been up to all afternoon. “Sit down.”
I proceeded to the couch as she muted the TV. I telepathically sent signals to Spencer to come downstairs and interrupt, one of his
best talents, not ready for whatever talk Mom wanted to have with me.
“How was it?”
“How was what?” I played dumb.
“How was it?” She repeated, raising her eyebrows at the word it.
“We didn’t have sex.” I answered, looking her in the eyes. It was mostly true. I didn’t know if being eaten out counted as sex but Mom didn’t believe me.
“Don’t lie to me. You have that glow about you. The glow you don’t get from just platonically watching TV with a boy.”
I shrugged off her accusation that I had a glow about me. “We didn’t have sex. He didn’t have condoms.”
Mom pursed her lips, still skeptical. “Did anything else happen?”
“Maybe.” I hesitated.
She grinned like a detective finding their final clue. Perhaps my dad had done the same for her when she was my age, then Ross many years after. “How was it?”
“Good.”
“Good.”
I figured most parents would freak out at the idea of their teenager having sex but Mom remained cool. I didn’t know if us being closer in age helped her relate to me more or if she didn’t think anything was wrong with it because she did the same things when she was seventeen.
“I’ll buy you condoms.” She added. “And I can show you on a banana or you can watch videos online. It’s up to you.”
“I know how.” I claimed though the demonstration my ninth-grade health teacher had given using a cucumber was a fuzzy memory now.
“Alright.” She said doubtfully. “But I’m always here if you have questions. I just want you to be safe.”
“I will be. I promise.”
I started to get up to go upstairs and shower but Mom stopped me.
“Hey, I’m sorry about what I said last night. I was being overcritical and didn’t give Ryan a chance and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I accepted, not sure if she meant it but just wanting to put it behind us. Maybe now that we were sexually involved she decided she’d bite her tongue because she figured I couldn’t be as easily pried away from him. At the end of the day, I didn’t care what she thought or if she liked him. Ryan made me happy. That was all that mattered.