by M. Katherton
I ate lunch with Ryan at the picnic tables per usual. Emelia originally had asked me if we could eat together but then texted me during second period informing me that she had to make up a history quiz during lunch. I had been so busy worrying and looking after Emelia lately that Ryan and I hadn’t spent much time together. I was excited to see him and spend time together just the two of us. However, when I noticed the nervous expression on his face once I sat across from him, my excitement vanished.
“Is your friend coming?” He asked, glancing around, probably expecting a bunch of reporters with cameras to jump out of the bushes and ask us for interviews about the crash.
“She had to make up a quiz.”
“Oh.”
“Is everything okay?” I asked, waiting for him to lie to me about how he was fine and just tired.
“I need to talk to you about something.” He admitted, unwrapping the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front of him. He stared at it for moment then confessed, “I’m moving back to Maryland after graduation.”
Though I had been expecting this news ever since spring break, it still shot an invisible bullet through my heart. Life finally seemed okay again. Emelia was getting better both physically and mentally. Now Ryan was leaving and everything shattered in my hands. Ryan and I had just gotten started. We only got to have sex a couple times, we had only been on one date that wasn’t to the bowling alley, we still had so much to do and learn about each other. Now we were out of time.
“My stepdad’s working all the time and my mom needs help with the kids. My uncle has a auto repair shop and wants to hire me so I can save up for college.”
“Okay.” I choked out. I knew this was what he wanted and what was best for him even though it broke my heart. I wanted to tell him it was okay and that I supported him and just wanted the best for him but instead my throat dried up and my eyes welled up with tears.
“I’m sorry.” He offered as if that could make me feel any better. “This has been fun though. You helped me enjoy my senior year instead of being the awkward loner eating lunch in the library.”
I grinned as tears trickled down my cheeks. I wanted to crawl under the table and melt into the cement. Though Ryan saw me cry the first time we went to the bowling alley when I met my dad in person, this felt a hundred times more humiliating.
“Are you okay?” He asked unsurely, probably not expecting the tears as I had been so rational about the possibility of him moving up until this point.
I nodded, wiping my tears with my palms, smearing them with the black mascara I had been stupid enough to wear today. I had been so preoccupied about Emelia that I hadn’t even thought about Ryan moving lately and the news caught me off guard.
“I’m sorry.” He repeated. “I know that doesn’t help, but I am sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I whimpered.
“I mean, we can still hang out. Moving van’s booked for June 1st.”
I shook my head, fearing I would only get attached if we kept hanging out. I used to judge couples for claiming they were so in love after dating for a short time but I already felt like I loved Ryan. We never said it to each other, but I did love him. I almost blurted it out but caught myself. It wouldn’t save our relationship or stop him from graduating and moving to Maryland.
“Well, maybe I’ll see you around at the bowling alley or something.”
I nodded though I knew I couldn’t go back until after he was gone. It was too painful. He wrapped up his untouched sandwich and put it back into his lunch sack.
“You sure you’re okay?”
I nodded even though I wasn’t. I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could grieve and cry in peace.
“Okay. Goodbye, Jessica.”
“Goodbye, Ryan.”
I watched him disappear off into the parking lot, possibly going to eat in his car or ditch school altogether. Hopefully he wouldn’t get in some catastrophic car wreck and die too, a punishment from the world for breaking up with me and moving across the country as Principal Carson would think.
I put my head on the table and cried the remainder of the lunch period. Ryan was my first real boyfriend. He took my virginity. He was the first boy I ever loved. Now he was gone.
I kept to myself the rest of the school day. When I got home, I stayed upstairs in my room until Mom called me down for dinner. Macy didn’t have dance rehearsal tonight so Mom made lasagna in celebration of it being the first family meal with everyone in attendance for a while and bragged about how she didn't burn it. Spencer rambled about his first grade life for ten minutes, Macy claimed her day was “boring” when prompted, and then everyone turned to me like they expected me to do a backflip.
“Jess? How was school?” Ross inquired, cutting a bite of lasagna with his fork.
Though it was a routine, innocent question, I burst into tears. Mom and Ross exchanged glances with each other, Macy looked startled, and Spencer continued eating like it didn't phase him.
“What’s wrong?” Mom asked as everyone else just stared at me.
“Ryan and I broke up! He’s going back to Maryland!”
“Oh Jess…” She sympathized.
“I don’t want to talk about it! Can I go upstairs?!” I blubbered.
She nodded. I ditched my half-eaten lasagna and ran through the living room and up the stairs, spoiling the first family dinner we had had in weeks.
I expected Mom to check on me after dinner but thirty minutes passed without interruption. Maybe she thought I deserved it. She never liked Ryan. Maybe since her high school relationship failed, she was happy to see mine have the same ending. I curled up under my covers, suffocating in the aloneness. My phone sat beside me with two unopened texts: one from Emelia asking what I was up to and another from Paige asking if I had the answer to number twelve on the English homework. Eventually I would get back to them both. I just didn’t have the energy right now.
“Jess?” Mom finally poked her head in my room. “You doing okay?”
I nodded despite actually never wanting to leave my bed again. She stepped inside my room with a carton of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. It was my favorite flavor and unless it was hidden in her stash, she must have gone out to buy it. The gesture alone stirred my emotions back up.
“Wanna talk?” She asked, taking the lid off the carton and handing me the spoon. There was no bowl in sight. She was permitting me to eat out of the carton.
“I loved him.” I admitted, stabbing the flat layer of ice cream with the spoon as if it had broken my heart. “I know that’s stupid but I loved him. I love him.”
“That’s not stupid.” She assured, sitting down on the edge of my bed. “It’s normal and it hurts. I know.”
“It all just happened so fast. He helped me meet…” I stopped before saying that he helped me meet my dad despite that it wasn’t a secret anymore. “He helped me do so much and was there for me through so much and he was my first sexual partner and I don’t know.”
She pushed my hair out of my face as I shoved another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth. The coldness stung my sensitive teeth, rivaling the emotional pain I felt. “It’s normal. Especially at your age. When I was seventeen, I went through the same thing.”
“With my dad?”
She nodded, pursing her lips together, hesitant to talk about him.
“You loved him?”
“Absolutely. I thought James was the one. I scribbled his name all over my notebook and planned out our wedding and our future kids’ names. I don’t know if he felt that strongly about me though. We were off and on for about a year. One day he loved me, the next he didn’t, but I kept going back to him every time. Well, until I got pregnant and everything exploded.”
I wondered if my name had been one of the future kids’ names she had written in her notebook, except that if she had married my dad, she probably would have given me the last name Owenby instead of her maiden name. I wondered what my non-existent full-siblings were named.
Now wasn’t the time to ask her though.
“Do you think you would’ve stayed together if you didn’t get pregnant?”
She shook her head no. “We were so bad for each other. Fire and gasoline. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, it would’ve been something else.”
I couldn’t picture my mom and dad being together. Mom seemed so good with Ross and Dad seemed so good with Caroline. Imagining them being married, cuddling on the couch together watching TV, and eating meals together just seemed odd to me.
“But my point is, if I’d married the first guy I ever loved, I never would have met Ross. I never would’ve had Macy and Spencer. Life would be so different. So I know it seems like the end of the world now and I know it hurts, but one day you’ll fall in love again and one day it will be with the right person.”
“I don’t know if I ever want to be in love again.”
“Give it time. You’re still young.”
“How did you meet my dad?” I fished, figuring if there was ever a time I could get her to talk about him, it was now.
“We went to school together from junior high and on.” She shared. “I first met him in seventh grade art class. The teacher assigned seats alphabetically but there were no Ms or Ns so we sat next to each other. He had a new girlfriend every week back then and I was this scrawny nerdy thing wearing braces and Kathleen’s hand-me-downs so he barely looked at me. Our paths crossed again in high school home ec. Our teacher hated my guts and always yelled at me for no reason. James always stood up for me, which resulted in him getting several detentions for talking back. One thing led to another and we started dating.”
I thought about how I had randomly met Ryan in the library because I was hiding from Kendra and stalking my dad’s bowling team on the school computer. Without him, I might not have had the courage to find my dad at Sunshine Bowling. I could have lost my virginity to some drunk college guy whose name I didn’t know instead of with somebody I trusted. Even though it couldn’t last forever, I was glad I met Ryan and that we were together.
“Can I ask you something else? And promise not to get mad?”
She looked skeptical but nodded.
“Did he really want you to get an abortion? I asked him about it and he got really offended and said he never said that.”
Mom sighed, probably wishing she hadn’t agreed to let me ask my question without knowing what it was. “He told me he didn’t want to be a dad and that I shouldn’t go through with the pregnancy. I don’t know if he truly meant it. It was heated moment and we each said things we shouldn’t have but he implied I should terminate the pregnancy. I’ll never forget that moment. We sat in his bedroom, talking about what we should do, what we should say to our parents, and I’ll never forget it. Shattered my entire world.”
“What did you say to him?”
“I yelled at him and told him I wasn’t getting an abortion and that I never wanted him to come near my child if that was how he felt. Then I left. Got in my hand-me-down Toyota Camry and sped off. He didn’t come after me, didn’t call, didn’t reach out at all. He tried to come around a few times after you were born but I blew him off. Didn’t want him near you. Didn't want him to be a deadbeat dad that constantly came in and out of your life. James was dead to me. Still is. I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s honestly how I feel.”
“No, I understand.”
“But as long as he’s nice to you, my feelings don’t matter. I’m glad he’s changed.”
“He and Caroline invited me to go on vacation with them in July. I told them I would ask you if I could go.”
“You’ll be eighteen soon. If you want to go, go. It’s not up to me.”
I grinned, pleased with the progress Mom had made in just the few weeks since she had found out I was in contact with my dad. I would call Dad tomorrow and tell him the good news. Tonight I just wanted to be with my mom. I leaned my head against her shoulder and whispered, “Thanks for keeping me.”
“Of course, sweetheart.” She assured, kissing my forehead.
I didn’t think Ryan was my James. There was no catastrophic fight or unplanned pregnancy. We were two normal teenagers in a semi-permanent high school relationship. I doubted our paths would cross again, but I was grateful I got to have him in my life. I doubted I would be ready to date again for a while, but one day I would find the right person.
Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
Emelia was all smiles when I picked her up again for school, a contrast to the nervousness she exhibited yesterday. I didn’t know if driving her to school would become routine since she didn’t have her own car and used to carpool with Hannah. However, she lived on my way to school so I didn’t mind too much.
“You look tired.” She commented after settling into the passenger seat, her purple running shorts matching her cast almost exactly.
“Yeah.” I confirmed. “Ryan and I broke up yesterday. Was a bit of a rough night.”
Her jaw dropped as if I had told her word leaked at school that she worked at the bowling alley. “Why?! You guys seemed so good together.”
“He’s moving back to Maryland.”
“Shit. I’m sorry, Jess.”
“It’s okay.” I shrugged as if I hadn’t spent a good portion of yesterday crying. Emelia had bigger things on her plate than comforting me over my breakup. She was finally upbeat again and I wasn’t going to spoil that with my own troubles.
“Should I punch him?”
“No. Everything’s good. Just ready to move on.”
“Amen to that.”
Even though Ryan was gone, at least I had Emelia now. People stared at us once again as we walked into school together but less than they had yesterday. I noticed Karli in a wheelchair talking to a few people down the hallway by the choir room. Emelia looked unsurely in her direction then at me.
“Go talk to her.” I encouraged. “I’ll be right here.”
Emelia took a deep breath and hobbled off to talk to Karli, the two current celebrities of the school finally reuniting. Ashleigh Kares and the newspaper team would probably be all over it, eager for a lead story. I stood against the wall, subtly watching, wondering if maybe they would go off together and Emelia would leave me in the dust once again. However, after a few minutes of conversing, they gave each other a parting hug and Emelia ambled back over to me, asking if I wanted to walk to first period with her. I did.
Junior year was roughly a month away from ending and it had undoubtedly been the craziest year of my life. I lost my virginity, met my biological father, said goodbye to Kendra, and reunited with my childhood best friend. Despite all the obstacles it took for me to get to this place, things finally felt right. I finally had a relationship with my dad and my best friend back. No more hiding. All my skeletons were out of the closet.