by S. A. Ichigo
I wanted to grow old with him – become one of those couple-goals relationships lasting forever. I wanted to see him aging, getting wrinkles, losing his hair. And above all, I wanted to be by his side all his life. But what about now?
“There are two options I would advise you to take under consideration.” The doctor says. “First, a surgery as soon as possible as the tumor is already big.” he looks at me. “Second, radiation sessions. But this may not guarantee you any result, as this type of brain tumor is a second-worst you may get. It grows fast and often radiation doesn’t give much.”
I swallow hard, turning my head away from Kai. His expression breaks my heart and I can’t stand the pain in his gaze. I can see how his world is falling apart, piece by piece – just like mine. I can tell he’s in denial – so am I. It’s hard to believe that this is not a dream. It feels surreal.
“What about the baby?” I ask.
The question hangs in the air unanswered, like a knife driven through a heart. The sad gaze of the doctor and his sharp breaths are the worst and the most painful reply I could get.
“No,” I whisper.
“Miss Parker, there is no other way.” The doctor says, his voice filled with regret.
I sob. Kai turns his head towards me and opens his mouth to speak. Tears are falling down his beautiful brown eyes, but I know what he’s about to say. I know him way too damn well to sense what he’s about to state and probably if the tables were turned, I would say the same thing. Above all, I would never risk the chance of losing him. Above all, I would fight for him at all costs.
“No,” I say to him before he gets the chance to speak.
I don’t want to hear it. It hurts too much.
“There must be another way.” I turn to the doctor.
He looks at me with disbelief, but also understanding. He’s not judging, not trying to convince me to do as he says. I feel a waterfall gathering in my eyes, but I blink the tears away.
“What’s the prognosis, doctor?” I ask.
“The bigger it’s going to grow, the more you will lose yourself,” he explains.
I stare at him, my gaze hollow as I feel my heart breaking into tiny little pieces.
“Side effects may vary. You may lose your eyesight, ability to speak or move some parts of your body,” he says, not looking at me. “You may even lose your memory.”
“There must be something you can do,” Kai says with a breaking voice.
“The only hope is surgery and radiation,” he explains. “But the baby won’t survive it.”
I swallow the lump in my throat.
“How long do I have left?” I ask.
Kai turns towards me, fear in his eyes. He starts to speak, but I shut him down.
“How long?” I repeat avoiding his gaze.
“That depends on how fast the tumor will grow and the side effects it’s going to cause.” The doctor responds.
“I need details, please,” I beg him.
“If we perform surgery and then start radiation, there is a ninety percent chance of curing cancer completely,” he says. “If not, it’s really hard to tell. Maybe a year, best-case scenario two years.”
I swallow hard and close my eyes. A year, maybe two. A tear falls down my cheek.
“No, don’t even think about it!” Kai shouts at me. “You hear me, Mia? Don’t you dare leaving me!”
“Mr. Russel, this is a hospital.” The doctor says calmly.
I turn my face to Kai and see how broken he is. My heart is shattered completely as well, but I made up my mind. I know he wants me to fight. If I were in his shoes, I would do the same thing. I know I would fight for him as much as he’s fighting for me. I would be as pissed and devastated as he is now. I would do anything to keep him alive.
I grab his hand and put it on my belly. He shakes his head and tears start to roll down his face like a waterfall. I tighten the grip on his hand and look him deep in the eyes. I know I’m hurting him, but I’m not ready to give up on this little human growing inside me.
“I’m keeping the baby, Kai,” I whisper.
He stands from his seat and storms out of the room leaving me alone.
A year, maybe two.
I will get the chance to meet my child. I will get the chance to hold it. I will get the chance to feel this one, unconditional love even for a moment. It’s all that matters right now.
I wake up to an empty bed as for the past two days. Kai’s not here. I haven’t seen or heard from him since the day he stormed out of the hospital room. He’s processing. He’s grieving. He’s fighting. I went to his place to check if he’s there, but the bar is closed and the light in his apartment was off as well. I understand that he needs time, so I’m not reaching out to him, even though I know every minute I have left with him is worth its weight in gold. I don’t know how much time I have left. I have no idea how the tumor will grow or how it’s going to affect me. It’s all one big unknown. One thing I know for sure is that I love this little creature inside of me and I will do everything in my power to protect it.
My phone rings and I hope it’s Kai. I check the caller’s ID and somehow I’m not surprised to see Caleb’s name on the screen. At least I know where Kai is and that he’s safe.
“Caleb,” I say with a breaking voice.
“Mind explaining to me why my brother appears drunk at my doorstep?” he asks.
Drunk. He’s been drinking. Until now, he’s been sober for a very long time. Kai is a recovered alcoholic, he’s not supposed to be drinking. I lose my ground and sit back on the bed. My head is spinning.
“Is he okay?” I ask.
“Okay?!” Caleb shouts. “He’s fuckin’ wasted! What the hell did you do to him?!”
“Caleb, hear me out before you jump to the conclusions,” I say with.
“What did you do to him, Mia?” he repeats. “You know far too well he’s not supposed to be drinking.”
“I’m dying, Caleb,” I whisper.
Dead silence falls between us. Caleb clears his throat.
“What did you just say?” he asks in disbelief. “Doctors said you were okay. You didn’t even break one bone in your body!”
I try to hold back tears, but I sob like a child.
“It has nothing to do with the accident, Caleb.” I swallow hard.
“What on Earth is it then?” he asks.
So I tell him the events of the past few days after he got back home. The more I say, the more I realize how bad the situation looks. Caleb doesn’t say a word, he just listens. By the time I finish with all the details, both of us are crying.
“Oh my God,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry, Mia.”
“Caleb?” I sob. “Can you promise me something?”
“Don’t you dare play that dying human card on me right now!” he shouts. “You’re going to be okay, you hear me? And the baby. You will both be okay.” He says firmly.
“Caleb,” I repeat. “Promise me you will take care of them. Promise me you will help him go through this.” I whisper.
“It’s going to be okay, Mia.” He assures me.
But we both know the truth.
“Just promise.” I push him.
“I promise,” he says. “Now get here as soon as you can, so you can convince my brother no one is dying any time soon,” he adds.
I hang up and fall to the bed, tears are streaming down my face. I want to believe him. I want to have hope. I just don’t know how to fight anymore. I’m broken and the darkness around me gets bigger with every breath I take.
I feel like fate won me over in a game I didn’t know I was even playing. Like it played me my whole life, throwing me shattered pieces of happiness once in a while – and when I’ve been the happiest I could be, fate took it away from me within the blink of an eye. So as I face my demons once again, I need to make the hardest decision in my life. Only that this time my enemy is already two steps ahead. Only that I have no idea how to beat the enemy I cannot see.
&
nbsp; Chapter Nineteen
Kai
Present
I ran away.
I know I should be there with her, supporting her, lifting her up after what just happened. But I can’t. I can’t support the decision I don’t agree with. I can’t support her sacrificing herself. I can’t watch her die and do nothing. It’s too much. Hurts too damn much.
I lost Lisa and it almost killed me.
I can’t go through that pain again. It’s like sleepwalking in your own worst nightmare, trying to find a way out and knowing there is no escape. There wasn’t any way out until I met Mia. She brought light back to my life. She taught me to live again. She taught me to feel. I’m no one without her. I can’t lose her.
“You need to talk to her, Kai,” Caleb says for the tenth time today. “And no more drinking. You know it ain’t gonna end up well for you.”
“I can’t talk to her. She’s not changing her mind. I saw it in her eyes when she told me...” my voice breaks.
“Give her some time,” he says, patting my back. “She needs you more than ever.”
“She made up her mind,” I grunt. “She chose to let me go.”
“She’s not letting you go.” He tries to convince me.
“Then why is she leaving me behind? Why won’t she fight?! Why?!” I shout through the tears. “I don’t want to be a single dad! I won’t be able to look at my own child, knowing it’s the reason she’s dead!”
That’s it. My worst fear surfacing. My demons taking over. I’m scared like a little child. Scared of being left alone. Scared of facing things I don’t know. Scared of that monster in the closet. The monster that’s hiding right behind the closed door. The monster I became after Lisa died. He’s still there. Waiting patiently to destroy me. Waiting for me to break. I walked this path already. I wanted to die. I wanted to fade away.
Going through this pain again will be the end of me.
“Give her a chance. Trust her,” he says. “Doctor said she still has time.”
“I’m not taking chances,” I say firmly. “I won’t stick to hope knowing it might be too late to save her once the child is born.”
“Then what is your plan?”
“I will try to convince her to let go of this child. We can have plenty of children once she’s healthy.” I frown.
Caleb sighs and hands me a glass of water.
“What if she refuses? Will you call off the wedding? Runaway like a coward?” he spits.
“I don’t know.”
“Fight for her, brother. Even if she’s made her choice, be there for her. Support her.” He swallows hard. “Don’t let the fear consume you.” He looks me deep in the eyes. “Right now, time is the most valuable thing for you. Don’t waste it for being stubborn.”
A loud knock on the door wakes me up.
“Come in,” I say harshly.
My head is killing me and I still suffer from the hangover. I feel and look like shit, but I don’t care. Caleb can say whatever he wants, but he has no idea what I’m going through right now. He has no clue how much it hurts, he never lost anyone. I did. And it kills me inside to watch my life falling apart all over again.
The door opens with a creak, but instead of Caleb, Mia comes inside the room. Her gaze is fixed on me, but her eyes are empty. Dark circles underneath them are way worse than the last time I saw her. She’s been crying. I feel the guilt pouring inside my heart. I should have been there for her. But I’m too scared of what’s yet to come. I’m too scared of the uncertainty.
“Can we talk?” she asks with a cracking voice.
I get up from the bed and grab her in my arms. She hugs me tightly and I feel the warm tears falling on my torso. I brush them away with my hand. I can’t imagine losing her. I can’t imagine not being able to hold her. So I pull her closer, afraid if I don’t hold her tight enough, she will slip out of my arms.
“I have a plan,” she whispers through tears.
I look into those beautiful blue eyes and I see a glimpse of hope.
“I spoke with the doctor, Kai. He says this can work.” She hugs me tighter.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I’m keeping the baby, Kai. I’m already two months pregnant and...”
“It doesn’t matter!” I shout a bit louder than I intended to.
“Hear me out,” she responds with a calm voice and grabs my hand. “I will carry the baby until I’m eight months pregnant. After that, they will perform a C-section.”
“It’s too long. You can’t wait that long.” I shake my head.
“I will have three weeks for the recovery. Then they will remove the tumor from my head, and I will start radiation therapy. It’s going to be okay.” she assures me.
I want to believe her. I want to believe that everything will be all right. I really do. I see hope in her eyes. I see fear. I see uncertainty. But behind all this, I see joy and excitement. She wants this baby more than anything. She’s ready to do anything in her power to keep it. Deep down, I want it too. But I’m scared. I’m terrified of all the things that may go wrong. The fear of losing her is paralyzing me.
“What if something goes wrong?” I whisper not looking at her.
“It won’t. I’ll have the best doctors taking care of me during the pregnancy and after,” she says. “Don’t ask me to sacrifice our child, because I won’t. Even if that means I’ll lose you,” her voice breaks.
I lift her chin and brush the tears away with my fingers.
“I would never, ever leave you alone with all this,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I ran away. I’m sorry I reacted this way. I’m terrified and I had to process it all, but I would never walk away from you. I meant it when I said I want you to be my forever.” I swallow hard. “No matter how long that forever will last.”
I blink the tears away.
“Are you sure?” she asks.
“Of all the things in this life, I was never more certain about wanting someone or something more than I want you.” I kiss her. “I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared of being left alone because I know you are my everything. There is no one else above you. Not then, not now, not ever.” I pull her closer. “We’ll go through this together.”
I mean it. Every single word. I’ll be there for her, although I’m scared of what’s yet to come. The monster behind the closed door is lurking, waiting patiently. I won’t let it out. I won’t let it near. I will be strong. For her. For that little creature growing inside her.
For them.
Chapter Twenty
Mia
Present
“You see this? These are baby’s feet.” The sonographer says, pointing at the cutest little feet I’ve ever seen. “And here are its arms.” She moves the probe a little lower on my belly.
I take a quick glance at Kai and see him fighting the tears. It’s been a long seven weeks for both of us, but we only got closer during this time. As scared as we were in the beginning, as happy we are now. It’s still one big unknown, but we’re strong enough to face it.
“Look, it moved its hand,” I say, pulling Kai’s sleeve. “I think it wants to say hi.” I chuckle and grab his hand in mine.
“Would you like to listen to the heartbeat?” the sonographer asks.
We both nod at the same time and chuckle.
The sonographer guides the probe where I can see a tiny point pulsing on the screen and turns on the sound. No matter how many times I hear my baby’s heartbeat, it somehow makes everything better. I forget the fight I have to take once our child is born. I forget the fear and the uncertainty for a moment. I just listen to the fast rhythmical beating, a bit suppressed by amniotic fluid. It’s like hearing it under the water. But as long as I hear it, I feel safe – it’s like the calm before the storm. You know it’s yet to come, but you enjoy the moment of silence when everything stops for a moment. It’s like the time has stopped and you’re watching the most beautiful movie in your life.
The sonographer checks all org
ans, limbs, and baby’s sex. Although we’ve agreed to wait until the wedding to find out ourselves, all the information we need is now sealed in an envelope. Luckily, it’s only one week left until we say our vows. It’s funny how time has passed. I feel like it’s running faster and I would like to stop it for a little while. Enjoy this beautiful moment for a little longer. Live in this bubble of happiness, away from the problems away from the fear – just a little longer. To remember every single detail. To experience it all in slow motion. To keep it.
As much as I’m trying to be positive about it all, I know time is running way too fast. I feel it slipping through my fingers, so I avoid thinking about it. I enjoy the moment. There are better days, but there are also bad ones. Kai is there for me. He’s the most supportive man alive, but I know he’s hurting. He’s just not showing it.
I have made the final touches on my wedding dress last week and I hope I won’t be much bigger on our wedding day, so I can fit the dress. My belly isn’t big for almost twenty weeks into pregnancy and some people at work didn’t even notice it yet. I look like I just ate a little more than I should. I still fit most of my clothes with no problems, although I’m no longer wearing heels.
Ashley agreed to be my bridesmaid and she also became my representative at work. She’s been running the company on her own for the past month and she’s doing a great job – even with all the hormonal storm, she’s having during the pregnancy. Amazingly, we are only a few weeks apart and our kids will be born almost at the same time. Over the past few months, we became friends and the fact that we’re both expecting a child brought us even closer.