by Amy Clipston
“Of course.”
She pushed the stool over to him and hopped up on it. Then he watched her bow her head in silent prayer before taking a bite of the cake.
He took a bite, too, and then he closed his eyes as his taste buds danced with delight. He savored the sweetness, and for the first time in months, he felt a glimmer of happiness enter his soul.
“You don’t like it.”
“What?” His eyes popped open, and he found her staring at him, her lovely face twisted in a frown. “No. I mean, I love it. It’s fantastic.”
“Whew.” She blew out a sigh, and her smile reappeared. “I thought maybe I’d added too much sugar or something.”
“It’s perfect.”
“Gut.” She looked down at her plate again.
They ate in an easy silence for several moments, and his shoulders relaxed. Normally, his empty workshop was his sanctuary away from everything and everyone, but now he felt comfort in Alice’s company. He still couldn’t stop one question from echoing in the back of his mind, though.
“Why are you here?” he asked as he set down his plate.
She shrugged one shoulder. “I already told you. Mei mamm wanted to deliver the quilt to your mamm, so I decided to come and bring along a kuche for you.” She pointed her fork at his half-eaten piece.
“That’s not what I mean.” He took a deep breath as his suspicion returned. “Why are you checking up on me? I told you I don’t want to be a project. I can take care of myself.”
She set her fork on the plate, then placed them both on the workbench beside her. She folded her hands in her lap, and her brown eyes glistened as she met his gaze.
“Dave, if you think I’m here on some kind of pity mission, then I’ve been a terrible freind to you. I’m sorry I haven’t had the right words to say, that I haven’t known how to best reach out to you since the accident without you thinking I’m a terrible person.”
Her words shocked him, and then guilt overtook him once again.
“No, that’s not true.” His voice sounded raspy. “I’m the terrible person everyone has to hate.”
“No, Dave, you’re—”
“I’m the one who let Adam die. I couldn’t—” His voice cracked, and he covered his face with his hands as emotion threatened to pour out. He took deep, shuddering breaths as he tried to hold back all the blame that had plagued him for months.
The soft touch of her hand on his bicep was just the balm he needed as he tried to keep tears from spilling over.
“It’s okay.” Her voice was soft and warm near his ear. “I’m here. You can tell me.”
He took another deep breath, then wiped his stinging eyes. Where to begin?
He stared at the floor as he spoke.
“Mamm and Esther have been gut freinden ever since they were in youth group together in Esther’s district, and when Esther married—quite a few years after Mamm married Dat—and moved to this district, the zwillingbopplin were born the next year.
“That afternoon, it was Esther’s turn to care for her aenti, who was krank, but her husband was out of town for a week on a job with his boss, and her cousin canceled babysitting for her. Esther called and said Adam and Kevin thought of me themselves since I’d cared for them before. Even though I was older, I still visited the family with Mamm just so I could spend time with the buwe. They . . . they were the little bruders I’d never had.
“When I got there, I asked Esther if I could take the zwillingbopplin to the pond right down the street from their haus. It was January, and with the cold we’d had, I was”—he swallowed hard—“I was sure the pond was frozen solid. I’d skated there myself as a bu.
“The zwillingbopplin told me they were gut skaters, so I let them take off all around the pond. But Kevin fell, and I skated over to help him up. Then I heard that terrible cracking noise. I can still hear it if I close my eyes . . .”
He’d never told the story like this before, and he didn’t know if he could go on.
“It’s okay, Dave. I’m listening.”
Maybe Alice would understand.
“I got to Adam as fast as I could after screaming for Kevin to run to a neighbor’s for help. But at first I couldn’t find him. He’d hit his head and slipped under the ice. When I realized he wasn’t breathing once I managed to lift him out of the water, I did my best to give him CPR, but . . . it was too late. He was dead before we could even get him to a hospital. And I can’t get the sound of Esther’s wails out of my head. I can still hear her crying for her sohn. I can’t—”
A knot swelled in his throat, cutting off his words. He held his paper napkin up to his face, humiliation whipping through him as he tried to control his emotions. He wiped his eyes and then jammed his eyelids shut. He didn’t want to cry, especially in front of Alice.
The pressure of her hand on his bicep disappeared, leaving a cold longing in its wake. Why did he suddenly crave her touch?
Then loud scraping of metal on the concrete floor sounded, and her hand landed on his bicep again.
“It’s okay.” Her voice was right next to his ear, sending heat soaring through his veins. She’d moved closer to him, and her nearness was a comfort! “You can share whatever you need to. Get it off your chest.”
He shook his head, then cleared his throat past the lump. “I’m okay.”
“You can talk to me.” Her tone seemed to be pleading with him, and when he looked at her, the compassion on her face was almost too much for him to bear.
“There’s nothing else to say. I did an unforgivable thing. Skating on that pond was my idea. I let a kind die, and I deserve to be alone.”
“No, you don’t.” She gave his bicep a squeeze. “Maybe you made a mistake about the pond being safe enough, but God still loves you. Your community and freinden love you, and so does your family. You’re forgiven. Forgive yourself.”
“I don’t deserve God’s grace.” He looked down at the floor again. “And I’ll never forgive myself, because I broke a family.” He closed his eyes as the moments of disaster filled his mind again. “I left a twin without his bruder and two parents without their precious sohn. I’m a monster.”
“You’re not, Dave. Listen to me.” She pulled her hand away, and she seemed to study him with frustration in her eyes. “You need to stop punishing yourself.”
She paused as if contemplating something. “Come sing with us Sunday afternoon. I don’t know who we’ll sing to yet, but I’m sure Sharon will know of someone. It’s a new ministry for her and the rest of us. And I do think it will make you feel better. When I minister to someone else, I always feel as if God is wrapping me in a hug and encouraging me. Singing about his love and forgiveness will help you work through your grief and feelings of guilt. It’s just the medicine you need.”
She smiled. “Come with us, Dave. Just once. Maybe it’s what you need for God to heal your soul.”
He shook his head. “I can’t.” Not even for you.
He picked up the plate and forked more cake into his mouth, keeping his eyes trained on the remaining morsels.
“Why not?”
“I just can’t.” He set his plate back on the worktable. “Danki for bringing this. It was appeditlich.” He pointed to his project. “I need to finish this railing and then feed the animals. I’m sure you have to get home.”
She nodded and stood, but he detected disappointment in her expression. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.” She set her plate on top of the container. “I’ll leave the kuche for you. You can share it with your family. I can get the container later.”
“Danki.”
“Have a gut evening.”
“You too.”
As he watched her go, the comfort he’d felt in her presence disappeared, and the familiar loneliness crept back into his heart.
Chapter Five
“It didn’t go the way I hoped,” Alice said as she sat beside her mother in their buggy on the way home from the Esh house. She tried to push away the disappo
intment that overwhelmed her as she looked out toward the cars roaring past them on the road.
“He shared what happened the day Adam died, and he got emotional. I think he even shed a few tears. But he still won’t join us at a singing.” Her heart had nearly shredded when she’d seen the pain in his eyes. Oh how she longed to take it away!
“That’s progress, though.” Mamm gave her a sideways glance from her place in the driver’s seat.
“It is. But we used to talk about nearly everything. Then after the accident, he completely shut me out. He shut everyone out.” She turned to face her mother. “Has Annie ever shared anything about how Dave seems to be at home?”
“No. I think it’s probably too painful for her to talk about anything related to the accident, and of course, I would never just ask.”
“I understand, but I imagine he’s shutting out his family too.” She sighed. “At first, he seemed to be accusing me of being some kind of interfering do-gooder. I told him I was sorry I’d failed to know how to reach out to him, that I’d caused him to think that about me. Then what he went through that night came pouring out.” Alice looked out at the deepening twilight.
“But now it sounds like you are getting through to him.” Mamm’s smile widened as she guided the horse through an intersection. “I’m so proud of you for not giving up. You’re a true freind.”
Alice turned back toward her mother. “But I’m not much of a freind at all if he still refuses to join me—us. At least on Sundays.”
“But he trusted you enough to share what happened that day. Your efforts are paying off, Alice. Keep praying for him and asking God to give you the right words. I know God will give you the keys to unlock Dave’s heart.”
Alice stared out the window again and hugged her arms to her waist. Mamm was right; only God could help her win Dave’s trust completely. She just hoped he’d reveal those keys before Dave closed himself off forever—or as she now feared, before he left everyone and everything he knew behind.
* * *
“What do you have there?” Mamm asked as Dave stepped into the kitchen later that evening.
He set the cake container on the counter and dropped the used plastic forks, paper plates, and napkins into the trash can. “It’s a carrot kuche.”
“Carrot kuche?” Mamm opened the lid and examined the remaining pieces of cake. “That’s lovely.” She narrowed her eyes. “Where did you get this? Did a customer give it to you today—and you hid it in your workshop so you could eat it all yourself?” Then she smiled.
He lifted an eyebrow, unamused, and filled a glass with water. “No. Didn’t you see Alice bring it to me?”
“No, I didn’t. Dorothy came inside to give me a quilt, saying Alice was going to say hello to you out in the barn.” She grabbed a clean plate from a cabinet and dropped a piece of cake on it. Then she forked a bite into her mouth and moaned. “This is wunderbaar. It’s so moist.”
“It is gut.” He swallowed the last of his water and then started toward the stairs. “I’m going to take a shower.”
“Wait. Tell me about Alice.”
He slowly turned to face her. “There really isn’t much to tell. She brought me the kuche and asked me how I was.” And I was moved to tears as I started spilling my guts to her.
He recalled the sympathy and kindness in Alice’s eyes. Was Cal right? Had Dave truly alienated everyone when all they wanted was to still be his friend? Alice was reaching out to him in a new way, and he was beginning to doubt he’d been right about her motives. About all his friends’ motives.
“Dorothy told me Alice and the rest of your freinden have been singing for krank members of the community and for Englishers at Sharon’s haus for suppers.” Mamm leaned back against the counter as she held up her plate. “She said they plan to sing this Sunday too. Maybe you should go with them. Try getting out of this haus and spending time with your freinden.” She paused. “Dave, you have to learn to live again.”
Renewed fear and frustration boiled in Dave’s gut. “How can I live again when Adam will never go home to his family?”
Mamm’s eyes widened, and she set the plate on the counter before walking over to him. “You made a mistake, but at some point you have to move on. Forgive yourself.”
He shook his head as that familiar ball of grief filled his throat once again, stealing his words.
“Listen to me.” She rested her hand on his arm. “You know it’s a sin to doubt God’s will. Adam may be gone, but you’re still here. God still has plans for you. You can’t punish yourself forever.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“Dorothy also said Cal, Jay, and Andrew go to these singings, so you won’t be the only man there.” She tilted her head. “You and Cal used to be especially close.”
“That was a long time ago. Things change.” He took a step back and out of her touch.
“Why don’t you try to reconnect with him? You need freinden.” The concern in her eyes made his chest tighten. “It’s not healthy for you to be alone. You’re young. You should be dating. You should be enjoying life and thinking about a future. A family.”
He took another step back toward the stairs. “I really need to shower.” He turned and almost made it.
“David.”
He stopped on the bottom step and let his head drop down. With a deep sigh, he faced her again.
“I’m worried about you.” She joined him and reached up to cup her hand to his cheek. “I can’t stand to see you so bedauerlich and alone. Even angry. Please try to reconnect with the community. Your freinden can help you. I don’t want to see you this way for the rest of your life.”
He cleared his throat and looked down. “Fine, Mamm.”
“Danki.” She patted his cheek and turned back toward the counter. “I’m going to finish this appeditlich piece of carrot kuche. Alice is a talented baker. You should ask her to make you another one of these.”
As Dave climbed the stairs, Alice’s face filled his mind. She was beautiful, sweet, thoughtful, and talented. Dave would be blessed to have a woman like her in his life, but surely Alice could gain the attention of any man in the community. Why would she waste her time on a damaged creature like him?
He pushed the thought away. After all, he wasn’t planning to stay in the community. He had no right to even think about Alice. But just the same, she lingered at the edge of his thoughts as he retreated into his bedroom.
* * *
“Are we going to go sing for Titus Zook today?” Alice asked as she stood with her friends after church at the Bontragers’ place.
“That sounds gut.” Sharon leaned against Cal’s buggy.
Alice turned to Darlene. “How is your mamm today?”
Darlene shrugged. “She had another tough week, but she seemed better this morning. She insisted that mei dat and I come to church, though, and Biena stayed home with her.”
“Could we sing for her today instead of to Titus?” Alice asked.
“Ya. Sharon and I were just discussing how we want to help you and your family more,” Jay said as he took Sharon’s hand and looked at her. “Weren’t we?”
Sharon nodded, then looked at Darlene. “Let’s sing for her.”
“And we can make her a meal for your family this week too,” Alice added.
“No, but danki.” Darlene crossed her arms over her yellow dress and white apron. “You all keep offering, and I appreciate it, but she doesn’t want company. She insists she would rather just our family take care of her, and we know what she can stomach and can’t. She’s very private.”
“I understand.” Alice glanced toward the far end of the driveway and saw Dave walking toward his buggy. “I’ll be right back,” she told them all before she dashed away.
“Dave!” she called. “Dave! Wait up!”
He turned toward her, and to her surprise, he waved. But his blue eyes were rimmed with dark circles, as if he’d had a restless night. He was still handsome, though, a
nd her heart swelled as she approached him.
“How are you?” she asked.
“I’m okay.” He glanced past her and then met her gaze. “I guess you and your freinden are planning another singing today.”
She looked over her shoulder and found the four of them pretending not to watch them, but she knew they were. She turned toward him again. “They’re your freinden too.”
He folded his arms over his wide chest. “I enjoyed your kuche.”
“Oh?” She raised her eyebrows. “Did you share it with your family or keep it all for yourself?”
“Sadly, mei mamm made me share it.”
A burst of laughter exploded from her lips, and he smiled. The expression lit up his entire face, and she felt . . . happy.
“I hope she enjoyed it too.”
“Oh, she did. Danki again.”
“Gern gschehne.” She studied him. “What other kind of kuche do you like?”
He rubbed his clean-shaven chin. “I honestly like all kuche. I suppose I’m not a big coconut fan, but I like everything else. And I like pie too.”
She nodded, making a mental note. “I’ll have to bring you another treat when I come to quilt with your mamm.”
“You don’t need to do that.”
“I will if it will guarantee me another smile.” She knew the words were bold, but she didn’t stop them from escaping her lips. Maybe her baking was one key to opening his heart.
He stilled for a moment and then swallowed, never breaking his gaze.
“Please come sing with us today,” she said. “We’re going to try to cheer up Titus Zook. He’s been going for chemotherapy, and his fraa says he’s been struggling.”
He glanced past her again, and then his lips pressed into a flat line. “Alice, you’re schee, sweet, and thoughtful, but you really shouldn’t waste your time on me. I’m not worth a second thought.” He paused. “I’m not worthy of God’s forgiveness, and I’m not worthy of yours either.”
Her heart seemed to break, but then she narrowed her eyes with determination. “That’s where you’re wrong, David Esh.” She jammed her finger into his chest. “You’re worth more than you know, to God and to me, and someday soon I’m going to convince you of that.”