by Amy Clipston
“You know we’re not supposed to question God’s will.”
“I do, but I need an answer.” The anguish in her expression nearly shredded his heart.
“I don’t have an answer, Darlene. But I do believe God is ever faithful, and I’m certain he’s hearing your prayers and answering the way he knows is best.”
An awkward silence fell over them as Andrew slid his thumb back and forth along the condensation on his glass and watched a blue jay eat from a bird feeder. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Darlene examining a cookie. Her emotions seemed to be radiating off her in waves, and he longed to take away her stress. Obviously, her burdens were causing her to say things she didn’t really mean. She couldn’t really think God would abandon her mother.
“Darlene, God will take care of your family. I pray for you all daily, and I’m certain you’re safe and protected in his hands.”
She nodded and looked up into his face. “Danki. Have another kichli.” She smiled, but still, her demeanor seemed a bit strained. He sensed she wanted to change the subject, at least for now.
They spent the remainder of his time there chatting about lighter subjects—the book he was reading, her love of the outdoors, their mutual friends. But although she smiled as they talked, Andrew couldn’t shake the feeling that Darlene might really believe God had forgotten her mother. But again, that had to be the stress talking. He kept the gentle conversation going until she said she better get inside.
“Danki for coming this evening,” Darlene said as they stood by his buggy.
“I’m glad you had time to visit with me.” Andrew took her hands in his. “Remember, if you need to talk, just call me. If I can’t come over, I’ll listen on the phone. I’m here.”
She swallowed. “I appreciate it. Please tell your mamm thank you for the kichlin. My family will enjoy the rest of them, and I’ll get the container back to you soon. Be safe going home.”
He released her hands and immediately missed the feel of her soft skin. Then as he climbed into the buggy, he prayed.
Lord, please show Darlene your love and comfort her. And if it’s your will, please heal her mother from this disease.
* * *
Darlene waved as Andrew’s horse and buggy disappeared down her driveway, the sun now dropping toward the horizon. She smiled as she thought of their conversation and how she enjoyed the feel of her hand in his. He was so kind and sweet. Oh, how she’d enjoy having a boyfriend like him!
But there was one disconnect between them. He didn’t seem to understand her feelings about God. He insisted God was listening, and he couldn’t admit it was unfair that her mother had to suffer.
She headed up the porch steps, then picked up the tray with their empty glasses and the container of cookies and went back inside. Biena sat at the kitchen table flipping through a cookbook.
Biena grinned as she faced her. “How was your visit with Andrew?”
“It was gut.” Darlene set the tray on the counter, then the glasses in the sink. “We had a nice chat.”
“When do you think he’ll ask you to be his girlfriend?”
“That again? Never. Even if he wanted to, he won’t.” She washed the first glass.
“I think he will.”
“Why would he? For one thing, I’m too distracted juggling so much here. I don’t have anything to offer him right now. He could easily find another maedel, someone who can focus on him.”
Biena shook her head. “You sell yourself short. If he didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t spend his Saturday evening here. I still think he likes you—a lot.”
Darlene sighed. She was just as confused about Andrew as she was about everything else, especially since his faith was so strong when hers had weakened so much. The only thing she knew for sure? She missed her life as it used to be, and she wanted her mother well more than anything.
She put the clean glasses in the cabinet and then headed for the family room. If only Mamm could help her sort through these confusing feelings, but she was dozing in her recliner with Dat reading a book beside her.
Dat looked up over his reading glasses and put his finger to his lips, instructing Darlene to remain silent. She nodded and turned for the stairs. How she missed her mother’s sage advice.
* * *
“Good morning!” Darlene called as the bell above the front door of the store dinged, announcing a customer. She was just putting a supply of bottled water in the cooler under the counter, and without looking up, she said, “Welcome to Bird-in-Hand Dry Goods.”
“Gude mariye.” She raised her head, and Andrew’s handsome smile widened as he removed his straw hat and strode toward her.
“Well, this is a welcome surprise!” Darlene couldn’t stop her own smile. During the past two weeks or so, she’d seen Andrew at church and at a singing or two for community members, but for some reason, Sharon and Alice hadn’t had any suppers in their homes lately. She still felt a burst of excitement at the sight of him.
Maybe they wouldn’t have to talk about faith again until her mother was well. And she had to get well. She just had to.
“I was in the area picking up supplies, so I thought I’d stop by.” He glanced to his right, where an older Englisher couple perused a display of decorative wooden signs. “You’re busy.”
“No.” She waved for him to join her at the counter. “Come get a drink.” She pulled two bottles of water from the cooler. “Here you go.”
“Danki.”
She sat down on a stool as he leaned over the counter. “I can’t believe it’s almost September. Summer has really flown by.”
“I know.”
“So how are you this fine Wednesday morning?”
“Gut. You?” He opened the bottle and took a sip.
“Well, even though she had to have that blood transfusion, the doctors allowed Mamm’s final chemo treatment. She had a rough few days, like usual, but now she’s perking up a little. It’s such a relief for her therapy to be over.”
“That’s great news!” He reached over and touched her hand. “I can tell you’re froh. What a blessing!”
She felt a thrill at the contact. Oh, how she enjoyed their talks and his affection! If only she knew if that affection came only out of a deeper friendship, nothing more. She longed to ask him, but she’d never risk being too forward, even if she had the courage.
“I picked up a mystery novel last week,” she said. “I finally made it to the library since mei mamm has been better. I was wondering if you’ve read it. It’s really gut.”
“What’s the title?” He set the bottle on the counter and rested his elbows beside it. When she told him, he grinned. “I have read it!”
“No kidding.” She enjoyed listening to him talk about the plot and the character they’d both decided was guilty of the crime—before the novel’s surprise ending.
“Miss,” the woman looking at the decorative signs called. “Do you have more of these? I’d like to buy five as gifts for my coworkers back home.”
“I’ll have to look in the back.” She turned to Andrew. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Are you going to the supper at Alice’s haus tomorrow night?”
She jumped down from the stool. “I plan to.”
“May I pick you up again?”
“I’d love that.”
A kind of delight seemed to flicker in his smile. “Great. I’ll come around four o’clock again.” He held up the bottle of water. “Danki for the drink. See you tomorrow.”
“Bye, Andrew.”
She smiled as he headed out the door, elation curling its way from head to toe. Andrew wanted to spend time with her. And even better, Mamm was improving. Perhaps everyone else had been right to hang on to their faith.
But was her faith too weak to survive?
Chapter Nine
At almost closing time later that day, Sam rushed into Andrew’s work stall. “We need to go! Dummle!”
“What is it?” Andrew t
ossed his sanding block on his workbench. “What’s happening?”
“Dat just called our driver, and then he ran to the haus to get Mamm. We’re meeting Mammi at the hospital. She thinks Daadi had a stroke.” Sam started for the door. “Let’s go.”
Andrew prayed as they headed to the front of the store.
God, please protect our daadi. Please stop this stroke from doing lasting damage.
Sam shook his head as they stood in the parking lot. “He can’t die. He just can’t.” His dark eyes shimmered as he swallowed, his entire body sagging.
“He won’t, Sam. Have faith.” Andrew squeezed his younger brother’s shoulder. “Just pray.” Daadi had to be okay! He had to!
“I am praying.” Sam sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
Mamm and Dat joined them, and Dat pointed to the blue van pulling into one of the parking spots in front of the store.
“Stan’s here,” Dat said.
Dat sat in the front passenger seat while the rest of the family piled into the back.
“When she called from the hospital, mei mamm said Dat was joking with the emergency personnel in the ambulance,” Dat told them. “She said he was also in gut spirits last she spoke to him.”
“See?” Andrew whispered to his brother. “Have faith. The Lord will take care of him.”
Sam nodded and cleared his throat, but Andrew could see the worry in his eyes.
Andrew stared out the window and thought of Darlene as they moved through the traffic past storefronts in Bird-in-Hand. She’d faced these scary times, too, and she seemed to worry just like Sam did. Andrew closed his eyes and once again asked God to protect his grandfather.
And please, God, protect Roselyn Bender as well.
* * *
Andrew sat with Sam in the hospital cafeteria amid hushed conversations.
“We should have heard something by now,” Sam grumbled as he picked up his cheeseburger. “We’ve been waiting for hours.” His eyes widened. “What if Daadi’s passed away?”
“Dat said they had to run a bunch of tests. Just because it’s taking a while doesn’t mean the worst has happened.” Andrew thought of Darlene as he took another bite of his turkey sandwich. How many times had she sat in a hospital worrying?
“How do you do that?”
“What?” Andrew asked. His brother was staring at him through narrowed eyes. “Why are you glaring at me?”
Sam pointed a fry at him. “How do you just assume the best? Why don’t you ever worry?”
“I worry plenty.”
“When have you worried?” Sam lifted his chin. “Tell me one time when you were actually afraid something bad would happen.”
Andrew set down his sandwich and gave him a frustrated palm up. “I’m worried right now. Doesn’t that count?”
“No, you aren’t. You just automatically assume everything will be fine.”
“Trust me, Sam. I’m scared that Daadi might be permanently paralyzed or worse. I just lean on my faith in times like this.”
“Huh.” Sam shook his head and ate another fry.
Andrew’s frustration boiled over. “What does that mean?”
“You don’t seem like you’re worried at all, and it’s annoying.”
Andrew sighed. “What will worrying do except upset me? I’m praying, and I trust God to take care of Daadi.”
Sam shook his head. “I really don’t understand how you do that.”
Andrew looked up to see their parents walking toward them.
“We have an update,” Dat announced. “Your daadi’s speech is slurred, and he’s lost movement in his right arm.”
“Is the damage permanent?” Andrew asked, worry twisting his insides.
Dat shook his head. “We’re praying it isn’t. He’ll be moved to a rehabilitation facility tomorrow for physical therapy, and we’re praying he’ll have a full recovery.”
“He survived. Thank God for that.” Andrew glanced at Sam, who seemed to be avoiding his gaze.
Sam wiped at his eyes. “When can we see him?”
“Soon.” Dat sat down beside Sam and Mamm beside Andrew.
“How is Mammi?” Andrew asked.
“She’s still shaken. She didn’t want to leave his room, so we offered to bring her something to eat.” Mamm reached over and squeezed Sam’s arm. “Daadi is going to be okay.”
“We just need to keep praying,” Andrew said.
“We do.” Dat took one of Sam’s fries. “We can lean on our faith in the Lord.”
But Sam looked doubtful, and it hit Andrew—Sam didn’t know how to lean on his faith in times of need. And neither did Darlene.
* * *
The bell chimed above the store’s entrance door.
“Good afternoon,” Darlene called as she straightened the last row of art supplies.
“Excuse me. Do you have any birthday cards?”
Darlene turned to see Andrew walking toward her, and she tilted her head as she took in the dark circles under his eyes. “Wie geht’s? Are you okay?”
He removed his straw hat and began turning it in his hands. “It’s been a long night.”
“Ach, no.” She pointed to the counter. “Do you want to sit?”
“That would be nice. I came as soon as I could. I really want to talk to you.”
Darlene pulled two bottles of water and two stools from behind the counter and gestured for him to sit.
“What happened?” She hopped up on a stool and opened her bottle.
“Mei daadi had a stroke yesterday.”
“No!” Darlene clapped her hand over her mouth. “How is he?”
“He was in the hospital overnight, and then he was transferred to a rehabilitation facility today. His speech is slurred, and he has some paralysis in his right arm. But there’s a chance he can make a good recovery and regain the use of his arm.” He opened the bottle of water and took a long drink.
“I’m so sorry.” She pressed her lips together and frowned. “I don’t understand why bad things happen to gut people. It’s not fair.”
“He’s going to be fine. God is gut.”
She eyed him. “How do you know he’ll be fine?”
Andrew sighed. “You do sound like mei bruder.”
“What do you mean?”
“He was so upset when we got the news, but I just leaned on my faith. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be so calm about things like this. And I realized—”
Irritation pricked at her. “I don’t understand either. How can you be so optimistic, especially when not everyone comes away saved or healed?”
“Because I believe God has a plan, and he knows what’s best.”
“Even when his plan doesn’t make any sense? The way mei mamm has suffered with cancer and treatments, and Enos is struggling with kidney failure. Or the tragedy our freind Dave Esh had to face last winter. Or how your daadi had a stroke.” She fingered her water bottle, and it crinkled in protest. “What kind of plan makes those things all right?”
Andrew’s brow furrowed as if he couldn’t understand her words. “But we’re Christians. That means trusting God, even when we don’t understand why he’s allowing bad things to happen. It’s a sin to doubt him.”
She shook her head. “It would make suffering easier if we knew why God allows it.”
“But we don’t know why, and that’s why we must have faith.”
She paused, telling herself it was time for the whole truth. Andrew said he would never judge her, and even if she couldn’t trust God right now, surely she could trust this man who’d become so dear to her.
“I don’t know why that’s so easy for you to say, but it’s not easy for me. Andrew, everyone, including you, has told me to have faith and trust the Lord. And I’ve tried. But after watching what this illness has done to my mother—and to our family—I don’t understand how that’s possible. Yes, Mamm is better now that the chemo is done, and I’m grateful for that. And I’d still beg God for heal
ing if I thought he’d listen. But there’s no guarantee the cancer is gone or that it won’t return if it is. Is that his plan too?”
Andrew blinked, and then a deep frown overtook his face. He set the half-empty water bottle on the counter. “Danki for the drink. I need to go.” He stood, then put on his hat as he started toward the door. “Good-bye, Darlene. I won’t be coming to the supper and singing tonight. You’ll have to get a ride after all.”
Darlene suddenly felt off-balance. She hopped down from the stool and hurried after him, her heart thudding in her chest. “Andrew! Wait. Please.”
He spun to face her, his expression grave. “It feels wrong to debate our Amish beliefs with you. If you’re a doubter, I need to keep my distance. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“You don’t want to be mei freind because of my doubts?” She felt the blood drain from her face as if he’d struck her.
He scrubbed his hand down one cheek. “I don’t know what I want. But I need to go. Take care.”
He turned and stalked out of the store as Darlene stared after him, a sick feeling snaking its way through her stomach.
“Darlene?”
She turned as Dat came out of his office.
“Was that Andrew?”
She nodded. “He just left.”
“Is everything okay?”
She shook her head as her throat thickened. “We had a disagreement, and he walked out. He’s upset with me.”
Dat pursed his lips. “I’m sorry. May I ask what you disagreed about?”
Darlene hugged her arms to her chest as if to shield her breaking heart. “I’m not ready to talk about it, Dat.” What if she told her father the truth? Would he feel compelled to walk out on her too?
Dat nodded slowly. “Okay. Just know I’m here anytime you need me. I’m off to check on your mamm.”
As he left, she swallowed back tears. Just when she thought she’d discovered a friend with whom she could be honest about her doubts, someone she could tell the truth of her heart, she found herself alone.
She didn’t know if she should be hurt or mad, but she acknowledged both warred inside her.