by Dan Davis
“Kat?”
“Yes,” she said, smiling slowly and speaking even slower. “It’s darker now. Is that better?”
“Am I dreaming?”
She smiled for a long time but her eyes were filled with sadness. “This is no dream. You have undergone a medical procedure. You are in the medical bay, recovering. You’re going to be just fine.”
“Why are you speaking so slowly?” Ram said. “You drugged me?”
“Oh, of course. Yes, I’m supposed to speak faster. How’s this, is it any better?”
“A little. Why can’t I move?”
“You’ve been immobilized for your safety. And mine, frankly, and everyone else’s here. Well, mine mostly. I’m the one who did this to you.”
“Did what to me?”
She pursed her lips. “Your assessment of Henry was confirmed by every independent analysis that we ran. He simply wasn’t up to the task. His body was. He was physically the best hope we had. It’s just that his mind, his personality, it wasn’t cutting it and it wasn’t going to cut it.”
“What did you do?” Ram asked, horror creeping up his spine. “Why does my voice sound so strange?”
“You must brace yourself for a shock. I knew you would never agree to this. Of course you wouldn’t. But I also knew this was the only way.”
She turned and nodded to someone off to the side and pulled a screen on an arm up and over Ram’s face.
It flicked on, showing Henry lying on the operating table, just as Ram had seen him before.
“What is this?” Ram asked but as he spoke, he saw Henry’s lips move in sync with his own. “Oh, God,” Ram said, seeing Henry speak the words on the screen. “No, God. No, no.”
Ram clamped his eyes shut.
“Your own body was breaking down. You wouldn’t have had much healthy life left to you. We transferred your mind into Henry’s brain. This is your body now, Ram. It will be you who faces the Hex champion in the arena.”
Ram kept his eyes closed. “What about Henry?”
“Overwritten.”
“Where is his mind?”
“We have it saved. If at some point in the future a suitable body is available, perhaps he can be uploaded into it.”
“That will never happen!”
“It is unlikely that anyone will need his mind. But if there comes a time when it can be arranged, I’m sure someone will be grateful enough for his sacrifice to do so.”
“You killed him.”
“Quite possibly. But it was for the greater good. Humanity as a whole is all that matters. Not my humanity.”
“Get out.”
“Alright, I will. You’ll take some time to get over the shock but you need to accept this and quickly. You have to train in this body. Learn it. Master it. You have to use it to beat the Hex so we can win back our homeworld.”
“I said get out.”
***
“This isn’t happening,” Ram said, pacing back and forth. “I just can’t believe it.”
R1 sat behind the control room desk with a hand over her mouth. He knew she was unhappy with everything, he knew she was nervous about his ranting, but he couldn’t control himself.
“Please, try to sit down. Just for a moment. It will pass.”
The way she spoke, the way everyone spoke, was infuriating. They were so slow, even when they remembered to speak faster.
“I know part of it is the increased aggression I’m experiencing.” He snorted a mirthless laugh. “Changes I ordered to be made to this body. But I feel real outrage and it’s real, you know? I should be feeling this way.”
“I know it.”
“Real outrage, R1. It’s justified.”
“It is.”
He took a slow breath. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you need to see right now.”
“The stepping down of the aggression will begin to have a noticeable effect in a couple more days. Please, do your best to stay calm until then.”
“I am doing my best. I’m sorry. I will try to stay calm. There must be something we can do.”
“It is done. There is nothing more that can be done.”
“They still have Henry’s mind in storage, don’t they? We can think of a way to get them to put it back.”
“But your old body is no longer functional. It is in cold storage.”
“So, I’ll be dead. I mean, I’ll be on file. But Henry will be back in his own body, at least.”
“And then he will fail in the arena and nothing will have been gained.”
“It isn’t all about gain. It’s also about what is right and what is wrong.”
“That’s very noble of you, Ram. But it is about gain. Right and wrong aren’t important when all of humanity is at stake. We must find a way to move past this and get to work.”
Ram sat down, his bony knees up high. He looked at his new hands. Somehow, it was infinitely stranger being in a new body for real rather than in Avar. Everything was different. Every sound, every color. The sound of his voice was completely different. Familiar places and people were suddenly strange, seen from a new angle and with different eyes. His body, too, made new sounds and sent him new sensations with every movement.
He looked at R1. Instead of the hint of affection he normally saw in her eyes, and instead of the touch of a knowing smile at the corners of her mouth, he saw only sadness.
“I’m sorry,” he said and reached for her hand.
She yanked it away. “Don’t. I can’t.”
“It’s me in here,” he protested. “It’s Ram.”
“I am sorry.” She stood up. “I just can’t.”
She fled for the door and strode out, wiping her eyes.
“Ah, there you are!” Doctor Monash stood in the doorway, smiling, with a plate of rice and what looked like shredded chicken in his hands. “You haven’t eaten your lunch.”
“Doctor, I’m… I’m not hungry.”
“Oh, come now,” he said, hurrying inside to place the meal before Ram. “You have to keep your strength up.”
“I’m not sure I can.”
“I ensured the meal was one you would be culturally familiar with, do you see?” He grinned.
“Chicken and rice? Because I’m Indian?”
Monash scoffed. “Well, you’re not actually Indian, are you. But I expect you ate this sort of thing growing up.”
“What do you mean, I’m not Indian?”
“Don’t pout, dear boy. You know what I mean. Your genome isn’t Indian. You have no Indian ancestry whatsoever.” Monash chuckled. “I’m more Indian than you are. The basis for your genome was a Brazilian soldier and his ancestry was mostly Portuguese with a complex admixture. But let’s not dwell on that, shall we, let’s just get some lovely rice in you, yes?”
Ram stared at him in disbelief. “I am Indian. I grew up in India, believing that was what I was.”
Monash waved a hand in the air. “Oh, what utter tosh and nonsense. You have always been a construct. You don’t belong anywhere! That’s why you never fit in amongst the Indian people, you know, and took flight into Avar which is by its nature an international culture.”
“What are you saying?” Ram asked but Monash ignored him and continued blithely on.
“I was against raising subjects in the real world from the start and I was right because it never worked out. It only ever created highly unstable individuals, as I am sure you are well aware after your awful experiences on that horrible ship on the way to Orb Station Zero. The data are quite clear. Quite clear. Every subject on that ship was mentally unstable. That’s what they wanted. Ninety-nine percent failure rate to produce one percent who would be strong enough to overcome their trauma and to harness it, to become the elite. Madness, if you ask me. My opinion was ignored and look what happened. Explosions and gunfire and a bloodbath. All that blood and death. Pure chance you succeeded in the arena, pure chance. Now, my dear Henry was raised in a stable and loving environment and he was a stable and lov
ing boy. And a brilliant one. And look what they did with him? They just can’t help themselves, can they? It is as if they want chaos. As if they want madness. Perhaps that is why they wanted you?”
“You just came here to insult me. To rile me. Are you trying to get me to hurt you?”
“Oh, you’re sad,” Monash said, frowning in false concern as he nodded toward the doorway. “It’s understandable. You are no doubt feeling very lonely now. Very lonely indeed. Gosh, it must be so difficult for you, to exist in a stolen body. And it’s hard for her, you know. I mean, it’s obvious. It’s as plain as the nose on Henry’s face. She can’t accept you as you are now.” He slipped into a seat. “I mean, think about it, Mr. Seti. She has seen dozens of subjects over the years who look just like you. She’s grown them from seed. She’s watched them grow in their wombs, pulled them out, dripping with amniotic fluid when they’re already taller than she is. Raised them, watched them sprout day by day, educated them. Handed them off for combat training and helped nurse them when they were wounded or broken. Disposed of them when they were killed. Destroyed them when they were faulty. Each of them loved her, as much as they were able. And try as she might, she could not help returning their love in some part. Think on that a while, Mr. Seti. Imagine what she feels when she looks at you now. No matter what you are inside. It’s what’s on the outside that counts.”
“You should leave.”
Monash pushed the plate closer. “Enjoy your lunch!” He made for the door.
Ram shoved the plate away, harder than he had intended, and it crashed off the table, throwing rice across the floor.
He stood, his head almost touching the ceiling. “I’m not hungry.”
Monash paused in the door with his hands up. “It was the truth, I swear it. I’m just trying to help.”
Ram scoffed, filled with loathing. “I’m going to train.”
25.
Ram ducked the swinging legs and came up to grasp them at the base. A dozen wrapped themselves around his legs and torso but his momentum carried the Hex off its feet and he crashed down atop its mesosoma with such force that the exoskeleton flexed inward. The slashing legs lacerated his back and head and the legs with the hypodermic aculeus whipped around and stabbed him in the abdomen. Ram gritted his teeth and growled as he worked the leg sideways, back and forth, until it snapped off. Twisting it, he stabbed it into the exoskeleton, penetrating it and splitting it open a fraction. He quickly stabbed it again and sawed back and forth as he dragged it down, cutting a deep laceration through into the wet, black interior. The legs squeezed him harder and it became impossible to breathe. Clear liquid oozed from the hole, spilling over his hands, quickly turning black. Still, he worked the broken off leg and sawed the slit wider.
A serrated foot whipped in horizontally toward him. Instinctively, Ram tried to duck out of the way but the legs held him fast and the last thing he was aware of was the blade cutting into his neck.
“Not bad,” Stirling said. “Almost had it.”
Ram climbed out of the Avar chair and walked over to Stirling. He was confined permanently to a wheelchair and he was being dosed continuously with painkillers. He would not spend any more time in the medical bay than necessary and refused to stay in his quarters. “I’ll work until I’m dead or I’m nuts,” he had said and Ram was glad to have him until that happened.
“What do you think I did wrong?” Ram asked.
“Nothing. You did everything right.”
“I know I look like Henry but this is me in here, Stirling.”
“You’re relying on your toughness to see you through.”
“This body is built to take it.”
“Still not as tough as a hex, is it. You’re trying to match it in an area you know humans can’t. Resilience.”
“I’m not a human. I don’t need to survive, just kill that thing first.”
Stirling was looking at him strangely.
“You alright, Sergeant? Something wrong?”
“Is that it, maybe, sir?”
“Don’t be cryptic, just spit it out. It’s hard enough listening and speaking at this speed without you drawing it out.”
“Well excuse me for dying, sir. You’re the one who cheated death again and I’m the one slowly drowning in my own leaking fucking lungs. And you’re not even grateful.”
“I’m sorry. I am grateful that I—”
“No, you’re not. Maybe you think you convinced yourself but I think I see it now. Maybe my mind’s too degraded, I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong but I think I’m right. You’re looking forward to dying in the arena again.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“You don’t want that body. And I don’t blame you. But it’s affecting the way you fight in there and it’s going to mean losing when you do the real thing.”
“I am giving it my all.”
“That’s what Henry used to say.”
“I’m not Henry. I can win.”
“You can. But you’re still going in all guns blazing every time. You’re throwing your body away, piece by piece, hoping you destroy the alien before it finishes you off.”
“Yes, obviously. That’s the exact method we devised, the both of us together.”
“I should have seen it before but I’m not at my best, am I? You’re enjoying your time in Avar a wee bit too much, are you not?”
“Ever since I was young, I enjoyed Avar a little too much. It’s the reason they took me in the first place.” He hesitated. “Monash said I wasn’t Indian.”
Stirling frowned. “Well, you ain’t any more, are you. Not technically.”
“He meant ever. He said my ancestry wasn’t Indian.”
“Well, he’s just a mean old bastard, ain’t he.”
Ram nodded. “He said it to hurt me but it’s true all the same. They just tweaked my features and my skin color so I would fit in but I’m not Indian. That’s why I never fit in when I was a kid.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, I didn’t fit in when I was a kid. Who does? Don’t let that crabby sod get in your head. You know who you are. No one else can decide that for you.” He waved his arms in exasperated fashion. “And who cares if you never fit in. You were an Avar superstar, weren’t you? You were rich. You had fans. People loved you. And that was before you won in the arena. You’re fucking world famous, you bastard lunatic. Stop moping about, sir, and pull your bloody socks up, sir.”
Ram laughed. “Can’t argue with that.”
“And stop talking to Doctor Monash. Next time he tries, you just punch his face in. And will you just ask R1 out for dinner before it’s too late?”
Ram sighed and shook his head.
“Well, then,” Stirling continued, “I suppose you should get back in there. You don’t have time for many more sessions. How many hours do we have before boarding? Let’s see… seventy-six hours, Jesus wept. With your meals, exercise, and rest time, you’re not getting many more tries. This time, though, try to exercise a little control, will you, sir?”
“I’ll do my best.”
“You need to do better than that.”
“Just run it again.”
Ram tried his best. Over the next two days, he came close to victory twice.
Every training session ended in failure.
***
Ram lay on his bunk, which had once been Henry’s bunk, doing his best to get some rest and to prepare his mind for the coming battle.
It was not working.
R1 opened his door without knocking and stood in the doorway. “We’re starting our final maneuvers,” she said without preamble. “Would you like to come to the mess? They’re setting up a screen to relay the images from the scopes so we can watch Orb Station Alpha coming into view as we go into orbit.”
Ram tried not to move. Whenever he was completely stationary, he could almost forget he was in a stolen body. “It looks exactly same as Orb Station Zero, doesn’t it? It’s precisely the same in every way.”
�
�Well, yes, that’s true but as I’m sure you are well aware, collectively watching our arrival is less about that than it is about the crew coming together—”
“I’ll pass,” Ram said. He knew he could not stand to have the crew looking at him, judging him, wondering about his state of mind. “I need to rest.”
“Of course.” She swallowed. “I will stay with you.”
“Don’t let me stop you socializing, R1.”
She stepped into the room. “I have no interest in going. I only suggested it because I thought it would be good for your state of mind.”
“That’s thoughtful of you.” He turned to look at her. She was chewing her bottom lip and her brow was faintly wrinkled. “But I can’t face anyone. I just want to get on with it.”
“Well, a few more hours and you shall have your wish.” She stepped close to him, looking down. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
Ram thought about asking for her to climb into his bunk so that he could hold her. It would be his last chance for any physical connection with someone before he died.
But he knew he could not do that.
She would associate the body with Henry, who had been something like a son to her and who reminded her of all the dead subjects that she had lost along the way. R1 had flinched the only time he had been tempted to make contact. She would certainly reject his request.
And even if she did not, Ram could still not shake the idea that the body he was occupying was not truly his. It could never be a true connection.
It was even less real to him than an Avar program. He was in the wrong skin. It was wrong, just wrong. He did not belong in it. It was almost as if the body itself could tell that something was wrong. While his mind rejected the body, was the body rejecting his mind?
“No, I don’t need anything else. Thank you.”
She hesitated, as if she wanted to say more. Her fingers twitched and he thought she was about to reach out to him. Instead, she lowered her head. “Rest well, Rama Seti.”
Watching her walk away, he felt an urge to call her back. He yearned for some connection, emotional if not physical. But it seemed pointless. He needed to focus on the coming battle and nothing else.