Christian sighed. “No, you’re right about that.”
I found myself staring at him. The squareness of his jaw, the blonde stubble coating his cheeks, his pursed lips. A mouth I already knew how soft it was, something I should have no idea about. I then asked him something I probably shouldn’t have, but it was something I’d been wondering ever since he tossed those shoes at me at the basketball game. “Why are you being nice to me now? You basically said you were ready for war.” He’d all but claimed so that night I broke him and Jessie up.
“I was ready for war,” he said, shrugging as he started to eat again. Oh, so simple, was it? I was about to retort, wholly annoyed, but he went on, “But I’m not anymore.” My expression must’ve told him my feelings on the subject. “You don’t believe me. Well, can’t blame you for that, I guess. I haven’t done much to earn your trust.”
“No,” I agreed quickly. “You haven’t.” At this point, I wasn’t sure if he could, and I didn’t want him to. I didn’t.
Did I?
Fuck. I hated how wishy-washy I was being, and I’m certain if other people were stuck inside my head, they’d abhor it, too.
“I could try.”
His words caused my eyes to snap to him, wondering if he was serious. Try to earn my trust? To make it up to me? There was nothing Christian could do to lessen the pain in my past, the pain he’d caused.
I didn’t say anything more as I picked at the food, eating some of it, since I hadn’t eaten much of the lasagna. Christian paid for it all, and he left the waitress a generous tip. If I wasn’t so skeptical of his current good behavior, I’d be impressed.
You know what was even weirder? When we walked to his car, he opened the car door for me. As in, beat me to the passenger’s side and held it open for me, shutting it once I got in. Like I wasn’t on high alert before—I was on DEFCON 1 now. Whatever this was, it was nuclear.
Christian got in the car, glancing at me before starting it. “Do you want to go home, or someplace else?”
“You can take me home.” I had to face the music eventually. I’d probably get grounded, or something stupid like that, as if I wasn’t an adult who was able to make my own decisions for myself, but I’d sit back and swallow the punishment. As long as I was living there, I was rent-free, so I’d suck it up until College.
I didn’t have to tell him how to get there. He just knew. I didn’t even ask him about it, because I was so tired. Tired of this night, tired of my scheming and constantly putting up my guard. Tired in general.
I reached down to untie the shoes, but Christian stopped me by saying, “Give them back to me Monday.”
Monday. Because we were going to see each other a lot still, even after Snowball.
This Christian was so different than the Christian of sixth grade, far different than the Christian I’d known from weeks ago, when I’d transferred back to River High. This Christian…was likeable. Dateable. Definitely more kissable than the angry Christian back at that first basketball game, when he’d stolen a kiss from me just to make Alec jealous.
This Christian was dangerously close to my heart, I realized. Just like that. Mean comments and glares aside, it’d been fun flirting with him the past few weeks. I looked forward to chemistry almost as much as I did photography with Xander. And Alec…God. I couldn’t keep seeing them while having real feelings for Christian.
That…that would be a problem for another day. Not tonight.
Tonight, however, was the perfect time to finally ask Christian what I’d been meaning to ask him for a long time. Whether I trusted him or not didn’t matter. This whole date could be good for one thing, at least. One step closer to enacting my plan.
“Are you going to Snowball?” I asked, sounding worlds more confident than I felt.
His eyes narrowed somewhat, as if he thought this was a joke. “Why? I assumed you’d be going with Alec.” He still didn’t know how close I was to Xander, which was a good thing. He wouldn’t be looking out for him at the dance.
“Alec and I are friends,” I said, the lie sour on my tongue. I wanted to take it back instantly—friends didn’t do what we did. Friends didn’t love each other. I…I loved Alec, and Xander. And, in spite of it all, I was starting to love Christian too, I think.
Damn it. I was weak after all.
Christian started to smile. “Just friends, hmm? I don’t think that’s what he wants to be.” A pause lingered before he said, “Are you sure you’d rather go with me than with him?” One last warning, one final chance to do a one-eighty and pretend like I didn’t bring up the dance. This was my way out, and I could’ve taken it.
I could’ve taken it and forgotten all about my plan.
No. After everything, I wasn’t going to forget about my revenge. Christian, whether he was nice to me or not, had helped ruin my life. He was the reason I had scars on my wrists. He’d made me feel like I wanted to die—there was no coming back from that.
I had to do this.
“I bought a dress, and I was thinking of you when I bought it,” I told him, watching the light from the dashboard shine in his sapphire eyes. “I want to go with you, Christian, as long as you want me.” A statement that could’ve meant half a dozen different things.
“Okay,” Christian said. “Then it’s a date. You and me, Elle. You and me.” His voice lingered on the last sentence, and it took all of my self control to not throw myself at him, to keep myself from showing him what a real kiss was like.
I said nothing as I got out of the car, still wearing his basketball sneakers. Since it was near midnight, I was quiet as I headed up to the house and entered through the front door. I needn’t have worried, though, because my dad was still awake, and he was pissed.
Yep. Totally grounded, for the first time in my life, at age eighteen. Go figure.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I ran my tongue around the sucker in my mouth, staring at Christian at his lunch table. Surrounded by other jocks, he looked at home. He laughed at whatever they said, his blue gaze flicking to me every so often. When our eyes would meet, his smile widened, every single time. He’d been like this ever since that night. Either he was a good actor, or I had him.
I had Christian Moore right where I wanted him.
Alec sat to my left, Georgia to my right. Georgia was busy talking about the dance, which was in three days. Three days, and all my hard planning would finally come to fruition. I really hoped I wouldn’t chicken out before then.
“Are you sure your dad is going to let you go? Aren’t you grounded for another week?” Georgia asked. I’d told her, Alec, and Xander what had happened that night. Had to, since I came out of that particular Friday night with a date to the dance.
I was slow to pull out the sucker, sure that my tongue was tinted redder than usual due to the candy. “I’m sure. I can go to the dance, but that’s it. No after party, no dinner beforehand. Just the dance, and then back home.”
Home. If I could even call it a home. After learning that Diane was pregnant, it didn’t feel like my house anymore. Definitely not a home. I was a stranger there, living with two people I didn’t like. Soon enough I’d be out of there for good, and my dad and Diane would be cut from my life as they should’ve been all those years ago.
“And you’re sure you still want to…” Alec trailed off, rubbing his neck. It was a gesture he always did when he was nervous. “You still want to do it?” He meant the plan.
It was at that moment when Christian and I locked eyes again from across the cafeteria. “Yep,” I said, smiling.
Alec sighed, muttering under his breath, “I can’t wait until all of this is done, and I can touch you while in public again.” Yes, keeping his hands to himself had been difficult, but he’d done well. These last two weeks I’d been MIA after school and on weekends, too. It’d been a while since we had any alone time together, and I’d yet to see him and Xander fully make up.
“Keep it to yourselves,” Georgia advised, munching on
her sandwich. She ate the same thing, day in and day out. At least my candy lunch varied. She had the same boring sandwich, the same bag full of chips, every single day. “Some of us at this table are single.”
“And by some, you mean just you,” Alec spoke with a grin. “There’s only one of you and two of us. We outnumber you. We could vote you off, you know.” Vote her off, like this was Survivor or something. I laughed at him, which only egged him on. “Keep up your attitude missy, and I will not hesitate to call a tribal council.”
“Oh, stop,” I said, still chuckling, in spite of myself.
The bell rang, and we headed to our lockers. I grabbed my chemistry book and notebook and in two minutes, I was sitting down beside Christian. He wasn’t smiling, but he was watching me. Watching me with a look I could not place. I both hated and liked when he looked at me like that, like he didn’t quite know what to make of me; he didn’t know what to expect when it came to my wonderful presence.
His hair had just gotten cut, so its blonde lengths were shorter. The new haircut made his jaw look squarer, which I was down for. The boy had immaculate bone structure, the kind that sculptors would’ve mimicked.
Bone structure. Did I really just comment and praise his bone structure? Oh, dear Lord. What was wrong with me?
“I can’t wait to see you in your dress,” Christian whispered, leaning closer to me. So close his breath was hot on my cheek. I wanted to inch away, because we were surrounded by other students, not to mention Mr. Burns, who was currently getting the projector in the front of the room ready. Plus, I hated doing anything in front of Jessie. She said she was fine with it, but I didn’t want to rub any of it in her face.
“I bet you look amazing,” he added, his voice heavy, reminding me of the dream I’d had of him. Pushing me up against the house, my legs wrapped around him…oh, if I wasn’t careful, I might need to go splash myself with some cold water.
I shrugged. “You’ll have the prettiest date at the dance.”
“I don’t care about everyone else,” he rattled off, stunning me into silence. Christian Moore didn’t care about everyone else? That was so against his nature, wasn’t it? “I only care about you.”
As the bell rang overhead, I teased him, “Cool your jets, Christian. Last I checked, we aren’t dating.” Worry and doubt crept into my tone, and I bet he noticed it. Hell, if he were to ask me out right here and now, I didn’t know if I’d have the strength to deny him. I saved all my inner strength and willpower for Snowball.
“No, we’re not. Not yet.” It was those last two words that got to me. The not yet part that made me spazz out.
Was he really so confident that we’d end up together? Or was he just trying to play me like I was playing him? I didn’t know what to think, and I was scared to think about its implications. I didn’t want to be with Christian. I had Alec and Xander. They were enough. They had to be enough. These crazy, fluttering emotions inside of me could go take a long walk off of a short pier. Everything would be easier without them.
His words were all I could think about during the last few periods of the day. Even during photography, when I was supposed to be relaxing and enjoying my time with Xander, I couldn’t stop remembering what Christian had said.
Not yet.
Not yet my ass. I wouldn’t…I couldn’t.
Xander sat beside me. We were at a table in the back of the room, where the students who’d chosen a digital media could use the computers. I had the memory card from the digital camera inserted, but as I roamed through the pictures I’d taken, none caught my eye, mostly because my eyes were not on them. Okay, they were, but they were most definitely glazed over.
“What’s wrong?” Xander asked, his dark eyes on me. His long black hair was swept aside, allowing me to see the piercing in his brow and the one on his lower lip unhindered.
I wanted to shrug it off and say nothing was bothering me, but I couldn’t lie to him. “Christian made a comment during chemistry. He said it’s only a matter of time until we start dating.”
Xander winced at the words, his pale face frowning. “And what about that makes you so upset?”
“I don’t know.”
“Is it because you’re worried he’s playing with you while you’re playing with him?” Xander suggested, leaning on the table next to the keyboard. “Or because you’re worried he’s not playing?”
If he wasn’t playing, it would mean Christian had developed real feelings for me. I know the original plan was to break them, take their hearts and crush them under my boots, but I just couldn’t do it. Breaking someone’s heart seemed so unnecessarily cruel, and regardless of how I began this journey, I didn’t want to be cruel.
I wanted…I wanted to be me. To be me, wholly and unapologetically. To have everyone accept me for who I was, not who I pretended to be. I’d made that step with Alec and Xander, and a part of me wanted to make it with Christian, too.
I closed my eyes, my hand falling off the mouse and onto my lap as I leaned back in my chair. “I don’t know. Xander, I don’t know. I have no idea what’s worse. I just…” A sigh came up my throat, and I was slow to meet his stare. “I wish things were simple. I feel like my life is crazy.”
“That’s because it kind of is,” he told me, but there was no malice in his voice. Only a gentle reminder that I had been the one to choose this path. This was on me, and everything that would happen would be a result of my actions.
“It wasn’t always crazy. Way, way back when, like in first grade, my life was kind of good.”
Xander reached for me. He was only allowed to do so because the other seniors, meaning Christian, had left school grounds already. “I’m sorry we made your life terrible,” he whispered. “If I would’ve known what would happen…” He trailed off, his hand soft on my own in my lap.
“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” I said. “You would have still done what you did, because you were a little shit, just like everyone else.”
He smiled—one of those rare, elusive gems. I didn’t get them nearly as often as I wished I did. “A little shit, huh? Fine, you’re right there. But if I was a little shit, what were you?”
“Still a little shit. Just a super depressed, suicidal little shit,” I replied. “Aren’t all kids little shits anyway?” When I met his stare, I found that he was still smiling. God, I could get used to his smile. It made my heartbeat increase and my stomach do a few flips.
Xander said, “Somehow, I don’t think a lot of parents would agree with you.”
Yes, calling most kids little shits would not win me any awards.
I did my best to enjoy the rest of my time with Xander. When I got home, I promptly ignored Diane and refused to eat dinner. If I was grounded like an angsty teenager, I’d act like an angsty teenager, thank you very much. I had no time for dinner anyway. I had a video to watch, to double and triple check, and then I had to send it to Leah.
The next day, she called me and told me she approved of it.
Granted, the video itself wasn’t on the level I’d wanted it to be, but that was mostly because I’d grown soft toward these guys. All three of them, even Christian. Fucking Christian. Why’d he have to go and lend me his shoes and act all nice to me? Why did flirting with him have to be so fun?
As I lay in bed, my phone against my ear, I listened to Leah talk. “I know it’s not what you set out to do, but I think it’s powerful. I think it’ll get the message across. I only wish I’d be there to see it.”
Powerful. Was that a compliment? Should I be thankful that Leah thought it was powerful? I had no idea. All of this was new to me, even after all this time.
“Elle,” she paused, putting way too much emphasis on my name. Probably because I’d been oddly silent. “You know it’s okay, right? I mean, that you didn’t annihilate these guys. You’re still getting back at them, but you’re taking a higher road. You’re not sinking down to their level.” When I said nothing, she added, “I knew you’d fall for them. I kn
ew it.”
I laughed. “You did not.”
“I did. I totally guessed this happening, mostly because the little brat—” AKA her younger sister, who was six years younger than us. “—has been addicted to these high school shows lately. You’re the lead in this story. It was only a matter of time before you fell for the hero—uh, sorry, heroes. Heroes, as in multiple guys. Really, Elle, I never took you for a hussy.” Her deadpan delivery made us both chuckle into the phone.
Only a matter of time. She sounded just like Christian the other day. God, I wished she was wrong. I didn’t want to be a clichéd, hopeless girl who fell hard for her childhood bullies. What kind of message would that send? Okay. What kind of message would a threesome between three eighteen year olds send?
Maybe my life wasn’t about sending messages. Maybe my life should just be my life. Mine. I decided what to do, what not to do. Why couldn’t I just do what I wanted to do? Why was I so worried about other people?
Alec Perry, Xander Hill, Christian Moore—these boys had to know just how badly they’d broken me. They had to see for themselves, and they would all see it at Snowball. The whole school would. Once they knew, once they saw the video, only then could they ever truly comprehend how badly they hurt me, and just because we were together now did not mean I forgave them for their past actions.
Forgiveness. It was something my mom always advocated. My therapist, too. Forgiveness was something I always had difficulties with, because I didn’t think they deserved it. Wasn’t forgiveness earned? It shouldn’t be given out freely, handed out to everyone like the coupons in the paper. Forgiveness was special, because not everyone could be forgiven.
Those boys…no, those men—did they deserve it? Had they made it up to me? I don’t know. Like I said, not good at this, and I made no arguments for myself. I was just fumbling around, trying to figure out what was right here. I had no guiding force, no angel on my shoulder telling me what to do. I was left to my own devices.
Spite: A Bully Reverse Harem Page 19