Gabriel looked up when I came in.
“Have a good night?” he asked with a smile.
I tried to return the smile but found that the muscles in my face were frozen. I felt as though the weight of what I’d done was pressing down on me, like a wave crashing over me, forcing my head underwater so I couldn’t breathe. When I was with Xavier, it was easy to forget that I had any other place in the world, that I owed allegiance to anyone else.
I didn’t regret revealing the truth to Xavier, but I hated subterfuge, especially where my family was concerned. I was terrified of how my siblings would react when they found out what I’d done. Could I somehow make them understand why I’d done it? But most of all I was afraid that the powers in the Kingdom would end our mission or demand my immediate withdrawal. Either way, I would be taken away from earth, away from the one person who mattered most to me.
Gabriel must have noticed I was wearing Xavier’s sweatshirt, but he refrained from comment. Although part of me wanted to confess everything on the spot, I forced myself to stay silent. I apologized for being late, said I was tired and excused myself, refusing the offer of cocoa and cookies that Ivy had baked that afternoon.
Gabriel called to me as I reached the foot of the stairs, and I waited as he strode over. My heart fluttered in my chest. My brother was frighteningly observant, and I was sure he’d noticed that I wasn’t myself. I waited for him to examine my face, ask awkward questions, or make some accusation, but all he did was lay one hand against my cheek so that I felt the cool metal of his rings and gently kiss my forehead. His exquisite face looked so at ease that night. His blond hair had escaped from the band he sometimes used to tie it up. His rain-colored eyes had lost some of their sternness, and he was looking at me with brotherly affection.
“I’m proud of you, Bethany,” he said. “You’ve made great progress in such a short time, and you are learning to make better decisions. Take Phantom up with you—he was fretting for you earlier.”
It took all my resolve to hold back my tears.
Upstairs, as I lay in bed with Phantom’s warm body beside me, I let them spill freely. I swore I could feel my lies slithering inside me like snakes, wrapping themselves around me and constricting. I felt they were squeezing the air from my lungs, tightening around my heart. Aside from the raking guilt that was coursing like a poison through my body, there was also a terrible fear. When I woke up, would I still be on earth? I didn’t know. I wanted to pray but I couldn’t. I was too ashamed to speak to Our Father after the sins I’d committed. I’d only held on to my secret for a few hours and already I was undone.
Mingled with my guilt and shame was a new latent anger at the thought that my fate wasn’t mine to determine. Xavier had put that idea into my head. My relationship with him would be decided for me, and the worst part of it was that I didn’t know when it would happen. My time on earth came with an unknown expiration date. What if I didn’t even get to say good-bye to him? I kicked off my bedclothes, even though my skin felt as cold as ice. I was beginning to think I couldn’t envisage an existence without Xavier. I didn’t want to.
Hours later my thoughts were still raging, and nothing had changed except that my pillow was damp with tears. I drifted in and out of sleep. Sometimes I woke and sat bolt upright, scanning the darkness for a sign of something or someone come to deal out my punishment. Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. At one point I woke to see a hooded figure that I imagined had come to seek retribution, but it turned out to be my coat hanging from a stand next to my door. I was afraid to close my eyes after that, as if doing so would make me more vulnerable. It was irrational to feel that way. I knew that if they did come for me, it wouldn’t make any difference whether I was asleep or awake. I would be utterly powerless.
By the time morning came I was an emotional ruin. When I washed up and glanced in the mirror, I realized that I looked it too. My normally pale face was even whiter, and the circles under my eyes had deepened. I now even looked the part of an angel that had fallen from grace.
When I found the kitchen empty I knew immediately that something was wrong. I couldn’t remember a morning when Gabriel hadn’t been waiting to greet me with breakfast already cooking. I had repeatedly told him I could make it myself, but like a doting parent, he insisted that he enjoyed doing it. Today the table was empty and the room was quiet. I told myself that this was nothing but a minor deviation from routine. I went to the fridge to pour myself a glass of orange juice, but my hands were trembling so much that I spilled half of it across the counter. I mopped up the mess with a paper towel, fighting against the fear that was clutching at my throat.
I felt the presence of Ivy and Gabriel before I saw them or heard them come in. They stood together in the doorway, united in silent condemnation, their faces immobile and expressionless. I didn’t need them to say the words aloud. They knew. Was it my restlessness that had betrayed me? I should have expected their reaction, but it still stung like a slap in the face. For several long minutes I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I wanted to run and hide my face in Gabriel’s shirt, beg forgiveness, and feel his arms close around me; but I knew that I would find no comfort there. Despite the common portrayal of angels as endlessly loving and compassionate, I knew there was another side to them, one that could be harsh and unforgiving. The forgiveness was reserved for humans. They were always let off the hook. We had a tendency to regard them as infants, to conclude that the “poor things” didn’t know any better. But for me, the expectations were higher. I wasn’t a human, I was one of them, and there was no excuse.
There was no sound but the dripping of the tap in the sink and my ragged breathing. I couldn’t bear the silence. It would have been easier had they attacked me outright, berated me, or thrown me out; anything but the deafening silence.
“I know how this must look to you, but I had to tell him!” I blurted.
Ivy’s face was frozen in a mask of horror but Gabriel’s had turned to stone.
“I’m sorry,” I continued. “I can’t help the way I feel about him. He means so much to me.”
No one spoke.
“Please, say something,” I begged. “What’s going to happen now? We’ll be recalled to the Kingdom, won’t we? I’ll never see him again.”
I broke into a wave of tearless sobs and clutched at the edge of the counter to support myself. Neither of my siblings made any move to comfort me. I didn’t blame them. It was Gabriel who broke the silence. He turned his steel gray gaze on me, eyes blazing. When he spoke I could hear that his voice was flooded with anger.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” he asked. “Do you realize the danger you have put us all in?” His anger was mounting, the signs were evident. Outside, a fierce wind began to blow, rattling the windowpanes, and a glass on the counter shattered into tiny fragments. Ivy put her hands on Gabriel’s shoulders. Her touch recalled him, and he let her guide him to the table where he sat with his back to me. His shoulders heaved as he tried to bring his rage under control. Where was his endless patience now?
“Please,” I said in barely more than a whisper. “This isn’t an excuse, but I think . . .”
“Don’t say it.” Ivy turned to me, a warning look on her face. “Don’t say you love him.”
“Do you want me to lie to you?” I asked. “I’ve tried not to feel like this, I really have, but he’s not like other humans. He’s different . . . he understands.”
“Understands?” Gabriel’s voice was tremulous, so different from his usual calm. I’d always thought nothing could ruffle his composure. “Only a handful of mortals throughout history have ever come close to understanding the divine. Are you suggesting that your school friend is one of them?”
I shrank back. I’d never heard Gabriel speak in that tone before.
“What can I do?” I said softly, tears spilling out and pouring down my face. “I’m in love with him.”
“That may be, but your love is futile,” Gabrie
l said unsympathetically. “It is your duty to show understanding and compassion to all of humankind and your exclusive attachment to this boy is wrong. You are from different worlds. It cannot be. Now you have endangered your own life and his.”
“His?” I asked in panic. “What do you mean?”
“Calm down, Gabriel,” Ivy said. She gripped his shoulder. “This situation has arisen and now it must be dealt with.”
“I have to know what’s going to happen!” I cried. “Will they call us back to the Kingdom? Please, I have a right to know.”
I hated to be seen like this, so desperate, so completely lacking in control, but I knew that if I wanted to keep my entire world from falling apart, I would have to keep Xavier.
“It seems to me that you have forfeited any rights you had. There is only one thing now that can be done,” said Gabriel.
“What?” I asked, trying to keep the hysteria out of my voice.
“I need to speak with the Covenant.”
I knew he meant the circle of archangels that were called upon to intervene only in the direst of situations. They were the strongest and most powerful of our kind—together, they could bring the world to its knees. Gabriel obviously felt the need to call for reinforcements.
“Will you explain how it happened?” I asked.
“There will be no need,” Gabriel replied. “They will already know.”
“What’ll happen then?”
“They will give their verdict and we will obey.”
Without another word, Gabriel swept from the kitchen, and moments later, we heard the front door close behind him.
The wait was excruciating. Ivy brewed cups of chamomile tea and sat with me in the living room, but it seemed a black cloud had descended over us both. We were in the same room but there was an ocean between us. Phantom too became uneasy, sensing that things weren’t right, and burrowed his face in my lap. I tried to block out the thought that, depending on the verdict, I might never see him again either.
We didn’t know where Gabriel had gone, but Ivy said it was most likely somewhere desolate and empty where he could communicate with the archangels without human interference. It was a bit like using wireless Internet—you had to find the best place to connect and the fewer humans around the better the connection. Gabriel needed somewhere he could meditate easily and contact the forces in the universe.
I didn’t know much about the other six in Gabriel’s arch. I knew them only by name and reputation. I wondered if any of them would be sympathetic to my cause.
Michael was the leader of the arch. He was a Prince of Light, angel of virtue, honesty, and salvation. Unlike the others, Michael was the only one who served duties as Angel of Death. Raphael was known as the Medicine of God because he was a healer and it was his duty to oversee the physical well-being of his charges on earth. He was talked of as the warmest of the archangels. Uriel was called the Fire of the Lord as he was the Angel of Punishment and was one of those called upon to devastate Sodom and Gomorrah. Raguel’s purpose was to watch over the others in the arch and ensure they behaved in compliance with the code set by the Lord. Angel of the sun, Zerachiel, kept constant watch over Heaven and earth. Ramiel’s role was to oversee divine visions given to the chosen ones on earth. It was also his duty to lead souls into judgment when their time came.
And of course there was Gabriel. He was known as the Hero of God, chief warrior of the Kingdom. But unlike the others, who were distant and removed, I looked upon Gabriel as my brother, protector, and friend. I recalled a human saying about the power of blood ties. I felt that way about Gabe and Ivy—we were of the same spirit. I hoped I hadn’t destroyed that bond through one careless action.
“What do you think they’ll say?” I asked Ivy for the fifth time, and she let out a heavy sigh.
“I honestly don’t know, Bethany.” Her voice sounded far away. “We were given clear instructions not to allow ourselves to be exposed. Nobody expected that rule to be violated, and so the consequences were never discussed.”
“You must hate me,” I said in a small voice.
She turned to look at me. “I can’t pretend to understand what you were thinking,” she said. “But you’re still my sister.”
“I know I can’t justify what I’ve done.”
“Your incarnation is different from ours. You feel things so passionately. To us, Xavier is like every other human; to you, he is something completely different.”
“He’s everything.”
“That’s just reckless.”
“I know.”
“To make one person the center of your world is bound to end in disaster. There are too many factors outside your control.”
“I know,” I repeated with a sigh.
“Is there any chance you can retract your feelings?” Ivy asked. “Or is that out of the question?”
I shook my head. “It’s too late.”
“That’s what I thought you’d say.”
“Why am I so different?” I asked after a moment. “Why do I have these feelings? You and Gabe can command what you feel. It’s like I have no control at all.”
“You are young,” said Ivy slowly.
“It’s not that.” I twisted my hands. “There must be something else.”
“Yes,” my sister agreed. “You are more human than any angel I’ve ever known. You have identified strongly with earth. Your brother and I are homesick—this place is foreign to us. But you, you fit in here. It’s like you’ve always belonged.”
“Why?” I asked.
My sister shook her head. “I don’t know.” For a moment I caught a wistful look on her face and wondered if in some small recess of her mind, she wished she could understand my all-consuming love for Xavier. But the look vanished before I could dwell on it.
“Do you think Gabriel will ever forgive me?”
“Our brother inhabits a different plane of existence,” Ivy explained. “He is less used to mistakes. He feels that your errors become his. He will see this as his failure, not yours. Can you understand that?”
I nodded and didn’t bother asking any more questions. There was nothing to do now but wait, and we could do that in silence.
The seconds ticked by slowly and the minutes stretched into hours. My fear welled up and subsided at various intervals, like ocean waves. I knew that if I went back to the Kingdom, I would be with my brothers and sisters again, but also alone, with the rest of eternity to yearn for what I’d had on earth. But that was assuming I would be allowed back into the Kingdom. Our Creator, gracious and loving as he was, didn’t respond well to defiance. There was a chance I could be excommunicated. I refused to let myself picture what Hell might be like. I had heard stories and that was enough. Legend said sinners were hung from their eyelids, burned, tortured, torn to pieces, and stitched up again. They said the place reeked of seared flesh and singed hair and the rivers ran blood. Of course I didn’t believe any of it, but the thought still gave me shivers.
I knew that many people on earth didn’t believe there was such a place as Hell, but they didn’t know how wrong they were. Angels like me didn’t really have a clue what Hell was like, but I knew I didn’t want to find out for myself. An archangel like Gabriel would know more about the dark kingdom but was barred from speaking about it.
I jumped when I heard the front door slam, and my heart hammered against my rib cage. A moment later Gabriel was standing before us, arms folded across his chest, his face careworn but as usual inscrutable. Ivy got up to stand beside him, showing no eagerness to hear the verdict.
“What’s been decided?” I blurted, unable to stand the suspense.
“The Covenant regrets recommending Bethany for this mission,” Gabriel said, his sharp eyes focused on me. “More was expected from an angel of her standing.”
I felt myself begin to shake. This was it; it was all over. I was going back where I had come from. I considered trying to make a run for it but knew there was no point. There was no corne
r of the earth that could hide me. I stood up, bowed my head, and made for the stairs.
Gabriel’s eyes narrowed. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“I’ll get ready to leave,” I replied, trying to muster enough strength to look him in the eye.
“Leave to go where?”
“Back home.”
“Bethany, you’re not going home. None of us are,” he said. “You haven’t let me finish. There is great disappointment at your actions, but the Covenant’s suggestion to terminate your mission has been overruled.”
My head flew up. “By who?”
“A higher power.”
I snatched wildly at this shred of hope. “You mean we’re staying? They’re not going to take me away?”
“It appears that too much has been invested in this mission to allow it to be thrown away because of a minor setback. Therefore, the answer is yes, we are staying.”
“What about Xavier?” I asked. “Am I allowed to see him?”
Gabriel looked annoyed, as though the decision that had been reached on that subject was irrelevant in the extreme. “You are permitted to continue seeing the boy while we are here. As he already knows our identity, there is more harm than good in preventing you from seeing him.”
“Oh, thank you!” I began, but Gabriel interrupted me.
“As the decision was not mine, I deserve no thanks.”
We all fell into a painful silence that lasted several long minutes until I ventured to break it.
“Please don’t be angry with me, Gabriel. Actually you have every right to be angry, but at least understand that I didn’t do it intentionally.”
“I have no interest in hearing what you have to say, Bethany. You have your boyfriend, now be satisfied.” He turned his back on me. A moment later I felt Ivy’s hands comfortingly on my shoulders.
“I need to go to the supermarket,” she said, in an attempt to return to normality. “I could use a hand.”
Halo Page 18