“He didn’t simply decline my request to be our sperm donor, he insulted me in the process,” Aimee said. “He said we were too bohemian to be decent parents.”
Makayla crossed her arms. “You shouldn’t have asked him behind my back in the first place. At least now it’s a moot point.”
Jeffree shook his head. “I had to discard my ostrich-skin bedsheets after I found him defiling those two hussies in my bed.” He pumped his fist in the air. “May he develop erectile dysfunction for eternity.”
Char clapped her hands to get everyone to stop talking over each other. “Ok, so we’re all on the same page. This guy’s a scumbag. Let’s plot our revenge. Here’s how it will go. Jeffree and Dillon-Blake will tell Dimitri that they forgive him and want to have a ménage à trois at Pancake Heaven after hours.”
“No way,” Dillon-Blake yelped. “I don’t want maple syrup on my bunghole.”
“Maple syrup? That’s the reason you don’t want a threesome with him?” Jeffree asked him. “Not because he’s a complete jerk?”
“Just because karma is going to come around and bite him in the ass doesn’t mean my ass has to be sticky,” Dillon-Blake replied, waving dismissively. He snapped a photo of himself with his champagne glass held up to his face while he puckered into his phone.
“Touché,” Jeffree said. “Wiser words have never been spoken.”
“Just stick with me here,” Char patted her hands in the air to calm them down. “You will pretend to want to have sex with him to lure him in. Then we’ll catch him and present him to the FBI on a silver platter.”
“What should we do?” asked Makayla.
“After Dimitri enters the restaurant, we need you to block the front doors to make sure he can’t escape,” Char said.
Makayla straightened her posture. “I guess all those years as a bouncer will come in handy tonight.”
Aimee’s leg started to shake. “He’ll bowl me over. He’s at least twice my size.”
“I’ll be at the front door with you, waiting for Agent Hottie,” Char said. “Together we can hold him back if need be.”
Jeffree put his arm around Dillon-Blake. “And together we can catch him at the back door.” They both tittered like schoolchildren.
Char did a facepalm. “There’s no way you could handle Dimitri, even together. You two just need to get him all hot and bothered and distracted.”
“That’s where I come in,” The Guava Princess said with a throaty laugh. “I’ll knock him down to the ground and take the Stockholm Sweetie throne I so rightfully deserve.”
Aimee hugged the Princess. “All hail the queen!”
Jeffree took out his phone and texted Dimitri with the offer for sex and an apology for overreacting. Dillon-Blake searched his phone for the sexiest selfie he had.
Char took out her phone and texted. “I’ll let Big Papi, er, the FBI agent, know our plan is in place.”
That night, Jeffrey, Dillon-Blake and the Guava Princess waited patiently at Pancake Heaven. The Princess struggled to adjust the microphone hidden in her bra with her flighty hands. She repeatedly tested it out getting several reassurances from Char and the FBI agent. She worried that she’d screw it up and let down her family. Concerned that if the FBI couldn’t catch him, Char wouldn’t get laid. Then she remembered how sexy Agent Flores was and flushed at the thought. She spritzed her face with cooling guava essence.
Jeffree received a text from Dimitri: Are you sure you can get access to the restaurant w/o the Princess knowing?
Jeffree replied: She had 5 mimosas. Will be conked out for hours.
Dimitri knocked on the back door, and Jeffrey let him in.
Dillon-Blake grabbed Dimitri by the collar and breathed in close to him. “Just so we’re clear from the get-go. I will not get kinky with the pancake syrup.” Dimitri scratched his brow.
Jeffree led him to the counter where the pancake batter was made fresh every morning. “We have sure missed this.” He ran his hand over Dimitri’s chest.
“I’m sure you did.” Dimitri widened his stance and gave a playful grin. “I got the goods, don’t I?”
Jeffree turned to look at Dillon-Blake and gave him an eye roll he was sure Dimitri couldn’t see.
“Let’s get you more comfortable,” Dillon-Blake said before kissing Dimitri’s neck. Jeffree rubbed his hands over Dimitri’s pants.
The kitchen door swung open triumphantly with the Guava Princess standing guard. She put on her best surprise shock face when catching the boys in the act. “Well, I never expected to see three sausages after the restaurant closed.”
“I thought you said she was out for the count,” Dimitri barked at Jeffree.
“Don’t mind me, boys.” She thrust her chest out. “As long as you’re here, we can discuss some business.”
“Now?” Dimitri zipped up his pants.
“No need to get dressed on my account.” She gazed over him like a prized pig. Who could be angry with such a gorgeous man with the ripples of his muscles showing through his tank-top?
“Hello? Are you there?” Dimitri said sarcastically, snapping her back into reality. He finished putting his shirt on.
She directly into Dimitri’s eyes. “Why does the Stockholm Sweetie Company send us emails whenever we change our dildo usage? Are you collecting data with this so-called smart dildo?”
“Of course. We use technology to improve our product. What’s wrong with that?” He brushed her off.
“Our customers love the product you creeped them out. Sales have dropped. What do you do with the data?”
“We’re trying to crack the O Equation. We want our customers hooked, and then they’ll lobby the FDA to approve. I want to be first to have an inroad to the US market. Our super high-tech dildos will make all other sex toys obsolete.”
“Well, but how does this data lead to actual money?” She adjusted her wig so it wouldn’t fall off.
“We use that money to make improvements on the dildo.” He paused. “We also get a stipend when we sell that data to the Russians.”
“Say that again.” Her voice cracked as she leaned her bosom closer to him to make sure that his confession was clear in the microphone. Dimitri did his best to avert his gaze as he cringed. “How are the Russians going to make money from knowing how often customers get off with the Stockholm Sweeties?” She reapplied her lipstick.
“They’re not,” Dimitri said. “They’re just perverts.”
“Aren’t we all?” The Princess said. “You know, I always did kind of have a crush on Vladimir Putin.”
“Whatev. Don’t care. If they’re willing to pay, so be it.” Dimitri waved her question away with disregard. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got some two-on-one action coming my way.” He sat back down on the counter next to the boys.
“Why the hurry? Can’t we have a mimosa and chat about business?” She squeezed herself between Dimitri and Jeffree and blinked her fake eyelashes at him.
His eyes widened as he looked to Jeffree and Dillon-Blake for backup. “I don’t have time for your games, Princess. I have to go now.” He started to walk toward the back door.
She grabbed his arm and squeezed. “Oh, dear. Did you work out today?”
“Yes. I work out every day.”
“Of course you do.” She leaned into him. “I can’t hide my feelings any longer. I’ve wanted you since the first day you dropped the box of dildos near the pancake mix.”
“You can’t possibly think…” A vein popped out of Dimitri’s forehead as the boys tried to contain their amusement. “It that a microphone in your bra? Are you recording this conversation without telling me first?”
“How does it feel?” yelled Dillon-Blake as he gave a weak punch in Dimitri’s arm.
Jeffree hustled to the back door and did his best to block it with a pile of Belgian waffle irons, toasters, and butter knives. “I should have thought this through more.” He looked at his creation with bewilderment.
Dimitri b
roke free of her grip and waded through the pile of appliances to escape out the back door. The Princess blew kisses at Dimitri. Taking full advantage of his discomfort, she was able to trip him, falling on top of him. No matter how strong he was, the weight of her body was too much for Dimitri. “Get him, boys!”
Char and several FBI agents came in. “Dimitri Starling, you’re under arrest for the dissemination of orgasmic data to the Russians without consent, under Orgasm Act 69.”
The Guava Princess tittered in laughter. “You know how much I love a happy ending.” Everybody laughed along with her, except for Dimitri. Jeffree and Aimee high-fived each other.
A week later, the Stockholm Sweetie company offered the Guava Princess the job of spokesperson for their flagship product. The company was embarrassed for hiring Dimitri and thought the Guava Princess could help revive their image as a company that genuinely cared about people’s orgasms. The FBI cleared her of all charges of selling them illegally for their help in obtaining Dimitri’s confession. The FDA was glad to rubber-stamp the Sweeties for the US marketplace.
“I’ll be famous for doing what I love. It’s the American Dream come true.” She pulled a small American flag off the Pancake Heaven register and waved it around while humming “Stars and Stripes Forever.” It contrasted well with the gigantic Swedish flag that covered the wall behind her.
She made her debut on the world stage when they filmed a commercial in Pancake Heaven that was to be aired during the Super Bowl. Marcus, Jeffree and Dillon-Blake, and Makayla and Aimee appeared in the commercial as the real people, not actors.
Marcus gleamed his pearly whites into the camera. “Who needs some jerk to satisfy your needs when you have the sex toy to end all sex toys. I’m a new man.”
“Stockholm Sweeties saved our love life,” Jeffree said, holding the product up to his face and his arm around Dillon-Blake.
As the film crew cleaned up, Aimee walked with a heavy foot, and Makayla stared down into her empty hands. The Princess looked into Makayla’s eyes. “What is wrong, my dear?”
“We’ll never find a sperm donor,” Makayla said.
“You silly goose. The answer has been staring you the face all along. I may be a fabulous Latinx woman on the weekends, but I’ve still got some strong swimmers up there, and I can’t wait to burst out and spread my guava seeds.”
About the Author
Anton Lee Richards is a queer writer from Chicago. In a previous life, he worked in IT. In a previous life before that, he was a songwriter. He lives in Chicago with his partner and his Instagram-star bunny.
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Blueberry Pancakes comes out January 28, 2019.
The Guava Princess Page 3