by Lily Craig
"I love you, too, Georgie."
"But here's the thing:"
In Georgie's inhalation, Madelyn saw flashes of disaster, impending doom sure to shatter their relationship before it began. Her mind worked overtime in assuming negative outcomes.
Georgie had been using the past tense, hadn’t she?
"Hm?"
"You really hurt me," said Georgie.
There it was—the beginning of the end. Georgie had come down here to break up with her as a friend and as a lover. It was decent of her to make the trip, but Madelyn had let herself calm down too soon. She wasn't ready for this kind of heartbreak.
How could she ever be?
"I'm sorry," Madelyn said through the tears that sprang up instantly. They streamed freely, tracing paths down her cheeks that she did nothing to stop. "Georgie, I'm sorry."
"Please just listen."
"Ok." The noise from the street outside buzzed deep in Madelyn's brain.
"Do you remember when you came over to my place last year? Before I moved to Edmonton?"
Madelyn nodded, still crying. The night Georgie had been there for her, no questions asked. She'd needed support and Georgie had given it.
"When you said that you'd never see me that way, something inside me broke. All those years of pining and you could just callously joke about me your first day of being out. I knew I needed space. To get over you.”
Gravity suddenly felt three times as powerful, and Madelyn sank into herself. "Wait, no. So you’re over…"
"That's why I moved. I know I said the job opportunity was too good to pass up, but it was a lie. I needed room. Time. To find some closure on that stupid dream I had that you might see me that way."
“So it’s all done?”
A siren somewhere in the distance blared. Madelyn's shoulders shook with emotion and she cried out of frustration now as well as heartbreak.
"That cut me deep. And when the rest of the group walked in on us... together, I didn't think I could ever get over that, either. You know me, I hate feelings. Would rather not have any, to be completely honest."
"Ok, I can accept what you’re saying, but stop for a second," Madelyn said. The anger in her voice gave Georgie pause long enough for Madelyn to finally get a word in. "That night I told you I didn't see you that way? That was a joke. A stupid, careless joke obviously, but it wasn't supposed to hurt you. I wish you'd let me know that was why you were moving. Given me a sign or a chance to fight for what we have... anything."
"It wasn't a joke to me," Georgie said. She was speaking so quietly Madelyn had to lean in closer to hear.
"And for that I don't think I'll ever be able to apologize enough, G."
Madelyn took Georgie's hand and stroked the back of it, admiring the callused strength of her skin. Though Georgie shrank initially and stiffened as if she were going to withdraw, she let Madelyn keep her hand.
"Ok," said Georgie. Her voice sounded different, oddly strangled, but then Madelyn noticed that Georgie was crying, too. She wasn't sure the last time she'd seen tears on Georgie's face. If ever.
"I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I shouldn't have made light of you, because you're the most important person in my entire life. With you in Edmonton, every day is emptier. I wake up wishing you lived here, and I go to sleep wanting to talk to you about what's happened during the day. I get it now, why you needed to leave, but I still wish we'd talked more than just once every few weeks."
"I do too," Georgie said softly.
"And I promise you, not everyone knew that you had feelings for me. Or even that you thought I was sexy enough to bone," Madelyn said. "Hannah and Nadia probably noticed because they're smart, queer people and they know us well. But I know you better than I know myself, and I still couldn't see it. So please don't feel bad."
"You really didn't?" asked Georgie through shaky tears. It almost physically hurt Madelyn to see Georgie so emotional. Her normally stoic composure had loosened to show her deepest fears.
Madelyn shrugged and shook her head. "I missed it. I'm not sure how, but I did. I'm just glad I realized on my own how I felt about you. At least I got that right."
Georgie squeezed Madelyn's hand, then, a renewed energy visibly coursing through her. "Maybe there were better ways to tell me."
"Better places, definitely. Circumstances, one hundred percent yes. But you know it's not every day you get snowed into a cabin in the middle of nowhere with the love of your life."
"Of your life?"
Madelyn kissed Georgie's shoulder, enjoying the soft feeling of the shirt beneath her lips. "My life."
Breathing in deeply, Georgie sat up straighter. "I should have been better too, Mads. All those pictures you sent me yesterday. Everything. It reminded me that I've been shortchanging our friendship because I was so scared you'd realize I loved you. And cutting things off when I moved hurt me. It hurt you, too, but I think it hurt me even more."
"So I wasn't crazy to send all those texts even though you weren't responding?"
Georgie laughed, throwing her head back in glee. "Oh no, you were completely nuts. But it was nuts in just the right way. Madelyn nuts, the only kind of nuts I want in my life."
"Did you really just make a testicle joke while we're both sitting here crying together?"
"Would I even be myself if I didn't try to avoid my feelings however I can?”
"Good point."
They sat for a spell, enjoying the touch of each other's skin. Their shoulders were pressed against each other and body heat shared the spaces between.
"In case I wasn't clear before, Georgie, I love you and I’m in love with you. I probably have been for a long time before I realized who I was. And I just wanted you to know that before you go on with your life. I’m sorry our timing didn’t match up.”
"I love you, too, Madelyn. That's what I came here to say. Well, that and that I'm sorry for bailing out of shame."
“So you do still… there’s still hope for…” Madelyn started several fresh sentences but couldn’t stick with any of them. Her heart was racing too fast, mind too focused on squealing with excitement. “Oh thank god.”
With a shaky smile, the two stared at each other. Georgie's hair was mussed into an endearing cowlick, while Madelyn's red-rimmed eyes made her look haunted with emotion. They hadn't been prepared for where their friendship would lead.
At least now, they had each other for support again.
"Would you mind if I kissed you?" asked Georgie.
"Ever the gentleman, G," Madelyn laughed shakily.
"Is that a yes?"
"Fuck yes," said Madelyn. And she closed the distance between them eagerly, welcoming Georgie's tear-salted lips against her own.
Where their kiss in the cabin had been tumultuous, breaking long-held silences and uncomfortable secrets, this one was full of renewal. It healed as much as it heated them.
Madelyn's thoughts dissolved, leaving behind only traces of how upset she'd been. She relished the sweet and salty taste of Georgie's lips and then let her own part to allow Georgie's tongue access to her mouth.
The kiss deepened in stages: first with tongues entwined, playfully tasting each other and jockeying for dominance. Georgie then cupped Madelyn's neck with her right hand, pulling her closer. And just as Madelyn was sure this was the best she'd ever felt kissing anyone, it got better.
Sparks tingled along the back of Madelyn's neck down her spine, joining whispers of perfect bliss that shot from her core along the sides of her ribcage. Madelyn's entire body was stirred by the kiss, to speak nothing of her mind.
She was happy. For the first time in months, years, fully happy. And it wasn't from her stupid plan, or because she'd jumped over herself to do the big, romantic gesture with Georgie. It was from being honest, making herself vulnerable, and hoping against all rational thought that Georgie would do the same.
Georgie began to kiss Madelyn down the side of her cheek to the soft skin of her throat, following a path down
her collarbone and further. She pushed Madelyn's sweater aside and then tugged it free from her waistband so that she could take the garment off entirely. While Madelyn raised her arms, Georgie lifted the sweater up and freed her.
She'd been working at home, so she wasn't wearing anything special. Just a well-worn white tank top underneath an old sweater, her breasts barely supported by the built-in bra. As Georgie appreciated the view, Madelyn felt her nipples prick against the fabric, raising up beneath the attention.
"I didn't get a chance to say before," Georgie whispered, "but you're beautiful."
Madelyn wasn't normally self-conscious. She was accustomed to making odd statements and cringing sometimes, yes, but she mostly interacted with the world at face value. With Georgie staring at her like she wanted to make her scream louder than the concrete apartment walls could muffle, her face warmed red hot.
"And you're sexy," she responded. It felt right, despite how cheesy the words made her feel. With Georgie, she wanted to keep saying exactly what she wanted when she wanted to.
Enough with keeping things in. Enough hiding and uncertainty. They'd finally discovered how they'd actually felt, for so long, and Madelyn wanted to revel in it.
She unbuttoned Georgie's shirt slowly, staring deeply into Georgie's eyes as she moved. It may well have been the most erotic dance in the world for how arresting it felt. Madelyn's breath hitched when she finally freed Georgie from the shirt entirely, and she dove to the smooth, firm abs beneath.
While Madelyn nipped at Georgie's stomach with a hunger that surprised them both, Georgie took off her bralette and then leaned back to enjoy the view. Tendrils of Madelyn's sandy hair encircled her, while the afternoon sunshine streaming through the blind slats dappled them with light.
"Was this what you'd hoped would happen?" Madelyn asked, surfacing from her work.
"Way more than I could ever have dreamed of, Mads. I mean, sure, I've fantasized. I've had dreams. But I never really thought you would actually want me back."
Madelyn grinned at Georgie, whose sincerity shone from her deep-set eyes. "Guess what, though: I do!"
And with a happy yelp, she tackled Georgie, the two of them rolling sideways on the floor before landing with Madelyn on her back.
They kissed until it felt like some sequel version of high school, where making out was a valued and well-worn activity. It could have been minutes or hours that passed, the sun sinking lower behind the apartment blinds the only sign that time had elapsed.
"Georgie," she said, pulling back from another kiss. "I want you."
Without another word, they got up from their revelry and shed the rest of their clothes. It was a quiet minute, maybe two, and then Madelyn led Georgie to the soft sheets of her bed, sinking deep beneath the comforter so that they could enjoy themselves together.
She didn't need anything but this: Georgie, a comfortable bed, and the prospect of pizza sometime after their energy had been spent.
Madelyn should have had more faith in her friend, but the journey they had just been on brought them closer, despite the twists and turns. Wherever the future might bring them, at least they'd bridged that first, most painful gap.
The rest was just details.
18
"Harder!" Madelyn gasped, the word escaping her like a hiss of hot steam. She felt like she was boiling. Georgie shook Madelyn with deft thrusts from her strap-on. Each of Georgie's hands made a deep imprint on Madelyn's hips from behind.
Georgie obliged Madelyn's moaned instructions and gripped harder, moved faster and deeper, each thrust punctuating Madelyn's mind with a new level of pleasure. She was making noises she didn't recognize now, pure blissful animalistic noises.
Madelyn was close to ecstasy, but Georgie hastened the trajectory by reaching around past her hips and playing with her deftly. As Madelyn's hips bucked at the attention, a new sound erupted from her mouth.
Hips moving, muscles clenching, body completely dazzled by the sensation, Madelyn collapsed onto her stomach on the bed. Georgie laughed as she buckled on top of Madelyn, rolling to the side quickly so as not to hurt her.
"Holy fuck, G. I have never felt that good in my entire life."
Georgie smirked. "Challenge accepted. Let's see if we can beat that tomorrow."
"Really?" said Madelyn, raising an eyebrow. "What part of you heard the noise I just made and thought 'needs work'?"
"Don't get me wrong, Mads. I liked it. Loved it. But isn't life about chasing the best of what we can do? I'm just saying, I think I can do better."
"Better than me?" Madelyn pouted, stroking the beads of sweat from Georgie's chest.
"No, better than my personal best. Making you scream like a hyena being physically assaulted by a tourist."
Madelyn laughed but felt guilty for having done so. "That's... dark."
Georgie shrugged and just kept smiling. "Part of the package. I might be good in bed, but I'm less good at metaphors."
"Similes."
"Hm?" said Georgie, as if Madelyn had stuttered.
"You said 'like a hyena' so it's a simile. Metaphors claim the thing actually is the thing, not like the thing."
"Ok, I'm going to trust you on that one. You've got the book smarts and I'll be the street smarts."
"Does welding really count as street smart? Like if someone mugged you, being able to weld your way out of the situation would be helpful?"
Georgie snorted, raising herself up on an elbow to look Madelyn over. Nakedness stretched before her gaze and Madelyn felt lovingly admired. "You are too smart for your own good, Mads. Welding's closer to street smarts than history is."
"Maybe on some streets, but I guarantee that being able to talk about wartime victory gardens in Alberta would come in handy in certain situations."
"Certain very specific gardening situations. Where there’s a time machine."
"Exactly," said Madelyn. She folded her arms and nodded like the matter was fully concluded.
They hadn't left her apartment in a couple days, having completely nested: several pizza boxes were stacked in the to-be-composted bucket near her recycling and Georgie had had to resort to borrowed clothing, none of which suited her.
"When are we going to face reality?" Georgie said after a pause. "I love this, doing this, but I don't have infinite days to take off work."
"Term starts back up on Monday, too."
"Where does that leave us?"
Madelyn tied her hair up in a messy ponytail, stalling for time. "Where do you want it to leave us?"
"You are so noncommittal sometimes, Madelyn."
"Blame it on my Libra sun," laughed Madelyn. "It's having too much fun with you. I don't want it to end."
"Neither do I. But I also can't bring myself to blame it on anything but hormones and feelings. The stars have nothing to do with it."
"Exactly what a Cap would say."
"Ha ha. Seriously, though." Georgie was staring at Madelyn with the intensity of someone wise beyond their years.
“Blah. Do we have to?"
"I think it's a good idea. We love each other. We live in two different places. How are we going to bridge that gap?"
"Well," said Madelyn, picking at the end of her ponytail. "I'm loaded up with teaching commitments this term. But next year, maybe, I could go anywhere. At least in theory. My advisor has a few students who work on their dissertations from small towns or other cities."
"I don't get a ton of vacation, but I could try to come down here on weekends. Or we could alternate?"
"If I'm hearing you right, it sounds like we're both thinking the same thing..." Madelyn didn't want to say it out loud. The idea was still such a commitment, a potentially serious endeavor.
"Which is?" asked Georgie. Madelyn should have predicted that her friend would be the shyer one about this conversation. It had, after all, taken her years to come to terms with her feelings. Why would her pace suddenly quicken?
"We should try to make this work. Long distance."
It hadn't been clear to Madelyn whether Georgie was in fact thinking the same thing as her, but any doubt was immediately vanquished by the smile that grew on Georgie's face.
"You really think so?"
"I wouldn't deplete my electrolytes so badly for anyone else, G." Madelyn waved an empty Gatorade bottle at Georgie, one of several she'd resorted to after their multi-day love fest.
"What if it makes you resent me?" asked Georgie. Her expression was plaintive, vulnerable. Madelyn had rarely seen her look that way before. It had been a transformative few days.
"Hey, I resented you for moving to Edmonton this past year and look where that's taken us."
Georgie grimaced and swatted at Madelyn's thigh.
"What if we can't figure out a way to close the distance?"
"Like I said earlier, my program only has a residency requirement for the first bit. Then we can talk. Also, that's a problem for future Georgie and Mads."
"And what if it ruins our friendship?"
Madelyn took a deep breath, her gut acknowledging that this was her biggest fear all along. And yet, here they were. "What if it doesn't? What if everything goes amazingly and we're super happy with our choices? What if we fall deeply in love, get married, and live happily ever after? What then?"
"What-ifs don't sound so realistic when they're happy, I guess." The slant of Georgie's mouth told Madelyn that she wasn't buying this optimism.
"Given that we just went through the biggest risks to our friendship since we first met, I think I'm willing to gamble."
Despite the confidence Madelyn projected in her voice, she was still uneasy beneath the surface. Georgie had never been an easy sell on sunny outlooks. Toughness and grit, she understood. Having hope? Less so.
But Madelyn wanted to put all her feelings out there, to demonstrate that she was all in. Because she was and saying anything else would be a self-preserving lie.
"Are you?" she asked Georgie.
The longest pause of Madelyn's life transpired. And when Madelyn wasn't sure she could last any longer, Georgie spoke.