Darling girl
Happy nineteenth birthday! Would you believe this is the age I was when I gave birth to you? If I had one wish it would be that I could live for ever to see you grow and flourish.
Would it be awful of me to pass you the baton? That’s what I want to do. I want you to take life by the scruff and go out there and live each day as if it’s your last.
Dance as if everyone you’ve ever fancied is watching.
Laugh and love with every fibre of your being and never accept second best. Nobody is worth hating, life is too short for that kind of nonsense. Embrace the people who make your heart sing. If a relationship needs to be kept a secret, then you shouldn’t be in it. Surround yourself with people who help you celebrate the essence of who you are.
Love and light
Mam x
Róisín tucked the card back into the box and sat for a moment. All the relationships she’d been in so far had meant she needed to change or hide something. Rob was the first man who allowed her to act the same way she did with her family and with Jill. In her mother’s words, she felt she could hear her blessing over this choice – her decision to love without limits.
She went down the stairs and Rob walked over to her and took her in his arms and kissed her for the longest time.
‘The more I see of you, the more I fall in love with you,’ he said.
‘You … you’re falling in love with me?’ she asked.
‘I shouldn’t have said that, should I?’ he grinned. ‘I’m supposed to play it cool and act as if I don’t give a toss, right?’
‘No,’ she said forcefully. ‘Let’s start as we mean to go on. No games. No pretending and no acting like someone else. If we can keep the friendship we’ve built and add a little spice to it …’
‘I think that could be arranged,’ he said pulling her close.
Her mobile beeped.
‘Oh no, I’m so sorry. It’s Liv. I’ve to go with her to speak to my folks. She’s leaving Martin.’
‘Hey, no problem,’ he said. ‘Why don’t I go to the Thatch and get a drink and you shoot off and do what needs doing? Meet me when you’re free.’
‘Are you sure pub grub is OK? Probably not the romantic dinner you had in mind.’
‘We’ll have so many opportunities for those, you’ll be sick of them. Pub grub will be perfect.’
‘Are you for real?’ she asked with shining eyes.
‘Totally. Róisín, I can’t believe we’re going to be together. I’d wait forever for you.’
‘I want to cry,’ she said as her eyes filled up. ‘Oh my God, I’m being such a sap. You’re amazing.’
‘Hurry up and get back,’ he said kissing her lightly again.
She phoned Liv and told her she was on her way to the B&B. ‘Is Dad there with you?’
‘Yeah,’ she said sounding really nervous.
‘Bring him too and we’ll have a family meeting.’
‘Thanks, sis.’
Róisín drove to her parents’ house and was surprised when there was no answer at the door. Walking to the back of the house, she found the door unlocked.
‘Mum?’ she called out.
‘In here,’ Keeley said. ‘I’ll be there in a moment.’
When she appeared, Róisín was astonished to see she’d been crying.
‘Hey, what’s wrong, Mum?’
‘Nothing much,’ she said sighing deeply.
‘Well, I don’t think that’s true judging by your swollen eyes.’
‘I’ve been a total idiot,’ Keeley said. ‘I’ve made a mess of my life and I ought to know better. Please don’t ask me too many questions just at the moment. I’m feeling delicate. But most of all, I’m feeling utterly stupid.’
Before she could delve any further, Róisín looked out and saw Liv’s car pulling up.
‘Liv and Dad are coming in. We need a family meeting,’ Róisín stated.
‘Let me wash my face and I’ll be with you all,’ Keeley said.
The others walked in and Róisín looked around for the children.
‘I asked my neighbour’s daughter to sit with them for an hour,’ Liv said. ‘Where’s Mum?’
‘I’m here,’ Keeley said, plastering a smile on her face.
They sat at the table. The awkwardness between Keeley and Doug was swiftly overshadowed by Liv’s announcement that she was going to ask Martin for a divorce.
‘I’m sorry for letting you both down,’ she finished tearfully.
Keeley took her hand. ‘You have never let us down. Either of you,’ she said forcefully. ‘Liv, we will support you any way we can. Whatever you decide is fine by us. Isn’t it, Doug?’
He was sitting with a very odd look on his face.
‘What?’ Róisín asked.
‘I could murder that arrogant sod,’ he said. ‘Well he’s the one who’s missing out. You won’t ever be on your own, Liv,’ he said. ‘We’ll all help you.’
‘But what about Martin?’ Róisín asked. ‘Have you told him this?’
Liv shook her head. ‘We have spoken on the phone and obviously he knows I’m very upset, but I think that’s something I’ll have to say to his face, have a proper sit-down and sort things out between us. I have to do it right for the children’s sake and not cause conflict between us.’
Róisín nodded. ‘You’re being brilliant about this, Liv,’ she said gently. ‘Brilliant and brave. Billy and Jess will understand later on, I’m sure of it.’
‘That brings me to another matter,’ Liv said. ‘I’ve been neglecting the children and drinking too much and I deeply regret it. It all ends here. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I was neglecting the two most amazing gifts I’ve been given in life.’
‘I’m so proud of you,’ Keeley said.
‘And I’m going to sign up for a course in the local night college and find an au pair to help out. Martin has agreed to pay for one. Things are going to change. I’m ready to fight back.’
Róisín stayed for another few minutes. There were a few questions she wanted to ask her mother, but not in front of the others and not while Liv was having her moment. The other reason she wasn’t delaying was because she knew Rob was sitting on a bar stool, waiting for her. She kissed them goodbye and sped towards the Thatch.
Chapter 43
Nell’s ears were ringing by the time they arrived back at the lighthouse. Mouse was chattering like a magpie, barely taking a breath.
‘I’m delighted you’re getting on so well,’ she said as they sat down to have something to eat.
‘The food is amazing there, Nell. Róisín is so enthusiastic about everything she sells. When the coachload of Americans came in, I thought we were gonzoed. But she was so good at showing me what to do.’
‘That’s great. Clearly that’s how she has managed to make the place a success.’
‘Why haven’t you gone in there?’ Mouse asked. ‘I think you’d love it.’
‘It’s not my type of place.’
‘How can it not be? Come in and I’ll show you all the stuff.’
‘No thanks.’
Mouse stopped and stared at her. ‘You’re so weird at times, do you know that?’
Nell bit her lip. She could tell that Mouse was upset.
‘I know you’re very enthusiastic about Nourriture and it certainly sounds as if your boss is delighted with you. But it’s not me. I can’t help how I feel. It’s just not.’
Mouse nodded. ‘I might go and have a shower if you don’t mind?’
‘Sure,’ Nell said. ‘Aren’t you having your dinner?’
‘I’m not that hungry. I had a big lunch.’
Nell watched as Mouse grabbed her things from her room and made her way to the bathroom. Swallowing hard, she pulled her scrapbook from the sideboard where she’d left it. Thumbing through the pages she felt suddenly terrified. Was she doing the wrong thing by telling Mouse? Should she leave things the way they were?
The sound of Mouse singing
in the shower was like a stab in the heart for Nell. She was so happy. Things were finally going in the right direction for Mouse. What if she ruined everything? She had no right to do that.
She’d take it one step at a time. Shoving the scrapbook into the drawer in the kitchen, she knew what she needed to do first.
‘Mouse?’ she said as soon as the young girl emerged from the bathroom. ‘When you’ve dried your hair can you come with me? I’d like to show you something important.’
‘Yeah,’ she said with a shrug. ‘If you like.’
Nell knew Mouse was really annoyed with her. She hoped what she was about to share would dispel some of that anger.
It seemed like an hour later when Mouse finally appeared.
‘What did you want to show me?’
‘Come with me.’ They walked to Laura’s old room. Nell took the video machine out of the cupboard and produced another large black VHS tape.
‘I’ve seen it,’ Mouse said gently.
‘I know. This is a different one.’
‘Oh … sorry.’ Mouse sat cross-legged on the carpet and waited for the images to come onto the television screen.
‘Hi there!’ Laura said, waving at the camera. ‘As you can see I’m now enormous.’ The camera zoomed in on her tummy, which was as round as a beach ball.
Mouse gasped. ‘She was pregnant?’
Nell nodded as tears streamed down her cheeks.
‘I don’t know how old you’ll be when Mum shows you this, but whether you’re one or five or ten or twenty I want you to know how happy I’ve been for the last nine months.’
Mouse rocked back and forth as she crooned and cried and listened to the heartfelt message from Laura to her unborn child.
When it ended with a flurry of blowing kisses and waving hands, Mouse curled into a ball on the carpet and sobbed so loudly that Nell dropped to her knees and scooped her into her arms.
‘It’s all OK, child,’ she said.
‘No it’s not,’ Mouse said. ‘It’s so tragic. It’s so sad. I can’t believe you lost her. Did the baby die, too?’ Mouse managed to ask.
Nell sat back and took a very deep breath. She shook her head. ‘No, the baby survived.’
‘What?’ Mouse stared at her in shock. ‘So what happened to it?’
‘The baby went … someplace else,’ Nell said. Her voice cracked as her body shook with grief. Her animalistic noises of grief made Mouse freeze in fear.
‘Nell,’ she said, grabbing her arms. She sat onto her hunkers and peered right into her face. ‘Nell,’ she repeated. ‘Where did the baby go?’
Nell shook her head, unable to utter another syllable.
‘Please,’ Mouse whispered. ‘Try to tell me. You need to say it out loud and I need to know.’
Nell swallowed and rubbed her eyes. ‘I gave the baby up for adoption,’ she said. ‘I never planned it. I’d promised Laura I would look after the child. It was my full intention to do just that. I didn’t want to give away my grandchild. But I couldn’t cope. Laura died when the baby was three weeks old. Laura’s body just gave up. The strain of the pregnancy and birth was too much. She’d been warned. The doctors said she was never to get pregnant. Her heart was too weak and her kidneys weren’t much better.’
‘So how …’
‘When she was in Australia she met a boy. He obviously knew about her illness. After all, she was missing a foot. It wasn’t exactly easy to hide.’
‘But he loved her anyway,’ Mouse said.
Nell nodded. ‘Apparently they were inseparable. Laura thought she’d be one of the lucky ones. She honestly thought that the love she would bestow on the child would be enough to overcome the dreadful effects of her diabetes. She believed she would prove the doctors wrong.’
‘That’s so sad,’ Mouse said, crying fresh tears.
‘She arrived back here. A taxi pulled up at the door and she crawled out. The second I saw her swollen belly, I knew she was in grave danger.’
‘Were you very angry with her?’
‘How could I be? I knew she’d put the final nail in her own coffin. She’d done what the doctors had told her not to do. It was a damned miracle she’d survived as long as she had.’
‘Was the baby OK when it was born?’
‘Miraculously, yes. The poor little mite was jaundiced and needed to be monitored. But apart from that the tiny bundle was unscathed, considering. Laura, on the other hand, wasn’t quite so lucky. Within three weeks she went into full organ failure. I had to turn off the life-support machine.’
‘Oh Nell,’ Mouse said.
It was strange. All of a sudden Nell felt calmer than she had in a long time. She allowed all the memories of that time to flood back instead of quashing them as she’d done for so long.
‘I had to bring the baby to the funeral. Where else could it go? Some of Laura’s school friends came along. But it was a small and understated affair. I didn’t do a lunch or drinks or any of that sort of thing. Nobody seemed to expect it and seeing as the baby was there, I had the perfect reason to vamoose.’
‘What happened to the baby?’
‘I had the child here with me for two nights after the funeral and I woke on the third morning and knew I needed to do something. I needed to give that baby the best opportunity in life.’
‘Which was?’
‘To find a loving family and parents who would do all the things I couldn’t. I wasn’t fit to mind an infant. I wasn’t prepared to go and live in a child-friendly area where there would be other little people around.’
‘But Laura was happy being raised here. Why didn’t you think her baby would be too?’
‘Laura was different, Mouse. She was poorly and more to the point, she was mine. This new little person was Laura’s, but I knew the child would be full of vitality, curiosity and life … and so deserved to have the type of life that Laura would’ve wanted. I knew it wouldn’t happen with me.’
‘So you put the baby up for adoption?’
Nell nodded. ‘I did what I thought was right at the time,’ she said. ‘But not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of the baby and wondered if I did the wrong thing.’
‘Was it a boy or a girl?’
‘A girl,’ she said.
‘Have you had any contact with her since?’
‘No, I said I didn’t want her to know about me,’ Nell said looking pale. ‘That was the way I requested it to be. In those days that was considered normal. The laws are very different now. But back then it was more usual for babies to be taken in and that was that.’
Nell walked over to the window and looked out. ‘I’ve never forgotten her little face. She was so beautiful. I thought long and hard about giving her up for adoption and I’ve always hoped I made the correct decision.’
‘Have you been tortured living here all alone?’ Mouse asked. ‘Have you driven yourself half demented thinking about it?’
‘In one way, yes. But in another way, there was no alternative. When life gives us a choice, we have to stand by the decisions we make. That’s the way it goes.’
‘Nell?’ Mouse said looking drawn. ‘Would you mind if I called my da?’
‘No,’ she said with a watery smile. ‘I’d be delighted if you would. Even if you don’t want to see him, I think it would be good if you spoke to him.’
‘Is that why you never pushed me to talk to him? Because you knew what it was like to walk away from someone?’
Nell nodded. ‘You know me better than anyone else,’ she said as she held her arms out for a hug. ‘But you’ve hit the nail on the head. I didn’t feel I was in a position to tell you what to do. How could I?’
Mouse left the room and said she’d prefer to be alone while she called her da.
Nell stayed in Laura’s room and inhaled deeply. She gazed at each and every inch of the room and closed her eyes, trying to remember the sound of Laura’s laughter. She could picture her sitting in a chair just before the baby was born. She was strok
ing her tummy and chatting to the baby. She was telling the child how much she loved it.
‘Baby It, you’ve no idea how excited I am about meeting you. Some days I know you’re a girl. Other days I’m certain you’re a boy. Only you know who you are.’
Laura had returned from Australia with a broken heart. The boy she’d thought would stand by her no matter what had run for the hills as soon as he realised the detrimental effect this baby would have on Laura’s life. He’d made no bones about the fact that he wasn’t prepared to be a single father.
‘He said that he hadn’t signed up for that. He loved me, but he hadn’t realised the extent of what he’d taken on.’
Nell had boiled on the inside when Laura had said that. It was at the tip of her tongue to say that he sounded just like Laura’s own father. But she felt Laura had had enough male disappointment at that point. What good would it do to point out the obvious? Her father had shown his true colours when Laura had begun to get weak. He’d booked her a flight and posted her onto the plane like defective goods. Return to sender, this commodity no longer works the way it should, so here you go …
Nell had managed to resist bad-mouthing him. What was there to gain by adding to Laura’s misery? Instead she’d done what was right. She’d soothed Laura, filled her head with dreams and made a thousand promises about how she would raise her baby.
Nell laughed bitterly as she leaned on the windowsill and stared out at the ocean. In the end, she’d been just as much of a liar and a coward as Laura’s father and the baby’s father.
For years she’d visited Laura’s grave and cried, begging for her daughter’s forgiveness. Pleading for her to understand that she’d acted in the baby’s best interests.
‘Nell?’
The sound of Mouse’s voice as she walked back into the room made Nell jump.
‘Sorry pet, I was miles away. Did you speak to your father?’
She nodded. ‘And?’ Nell probed.
The Perfect Gift Page 34