“You are in the Navy. You literally work for the authority. Do you have a raging fever?”
“Not the kind Tylenol helps.” He picks up the bowl and drinks the broth until there isn’t a slurp left.
“I don’t even know what that means, Callaway. Can I do anything before I leave?” I eye the clothing one more time as I stand from the table. “It will take me ten minutes.”
“I need more than ten minutes,” Leo coos.
“Holy shit. Okay. Well, with that, I’m going to get on out of here. See you in Spanish class when you get back. Next week, maybe? Never?”
Leo stands. Running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m just joking with you.”
I shake my head, hands on my hips. “No. Not like that. Not when I’m self-conscious about being your friend in the first place. As a married woman. Don’t make it weird. I want to be around you. I don’t know what that means, but I know what you’re talking about isn’t going to happen.” Right now. Mentally, I scold myself and close my eyes. I walk into the living area and begin picking up clothing. Jeans, uniform undershirts, random socks, a pair of women’s white lace panties. I swallow hard and toss everything into a basket sitting on the sofa. I feel like I might be sick.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Kid. I’m not in my right mind. I took the nighttime medicine during the day because it’s stronger, and I’m just attracted to you, and I guess I’ve lost my fucking filter, and you’re so fucking beautiful.” He sighs, dragging both hands down his face. There’s a pair of plaid sleep pants on his coffee table. I toss them at his face.
“Put those on. You’re going to get sicker,” I bark, acid creeping into my tone. “You’re attracted to a lot of women. I’m nothing special.” Attraction. Are you attracted to him? My mother’s words float around in my head. Friendship is impossible if attraction is involved. Isn’t that what she said? He’s just sick. Maybe even horny. He doesn’t want me like that. Not the real kind of want. The keeping kind. Another woman has been over here recently.
“What makes you say that?” he says, stepping into his pants like a good patient.
The panties on your floor. I shrug. “You’re a man. You are attracted to every woman with female anatomy. It’s science.”
“Adam is attracted to every woman with tits and a pussy? It’s science.”
That stops me cold in my tracks. “No.”
“Oh, okay. There’s, ah, stipulations to that theory, then?”
“I thought you were medicine drunk? Are we going to debate theory?”
Leo falls onto the sofa in one big movement, like standing was too much of an energy drain. He’s still really sick. “I want you to see me like you see him, love me like you love him,” Leo says, closing his eyes.
I stop breathing. I stop moving. I pause mid step. “What?”
Leo mumbles something and tucks his hands under his chin like a little angelic cherub. His snore starts a moment later. What did he say? Did he mean that? Why would he want me to see him like I see Adam? Doesn’t he know I don’t see Adam, don’t love him? I couldn’t fathom an ounce of understanding for the man I’m married to. Not now. Not when I have no idea what I’m trying to fix. What does a normal, happy marriage look like?
My heart is knocking against my ribcage, but I grab a blanket from his recliner and cover his huge body. His bare feet aren’t covered, so I head into what must be the bedroom to seek out another blanket. His bedroom is a bigger mess. Clothes everywhere and his bed looks like an actual death bed. I grab the comforter off the floor and drag it back to the living room and cover him with it. I return to the bedroom and make his bed with the sheets, fluff his pillows and sort through all the clothes strewn about.
Mindlessly, I open the top drawer of his dresser to see if I can put things away for him. The notebook. The ratty notebook. Natalia’s name in bubble letters that turn into tree roots is emblazoned on the front. My chest aches as the find hits home. I run my hand over the cover and weigh my options. There’s no way I can’t peek at it. Not when I know how much it means to Leo. He is acting like a Grade-A douchebag tonight. I’ll use that as my rationale.
Using gentle hands, I pick it up and thumb to a random page. It’s a quote. A beautiful quote written in calligraphy so stunning that tattoo artists around the world would cry out in jealousy. The words prick tears. The words are for me. The words form a sentiment that embeds in my soul.
The greatest love of your life will follow your biggest mistake. It balances life’s scales. There’s nothing to fear. Only love to embrace.
What did this teenage girl know that I don’t? How fair is it that this profound knowledge resided inside the mind of a girl who was dying? A girl who would never know true romantic love or disastrous mistakes with consequences you can’t take back? My heart aches as I close the notebook and set it back into the hiding spot. I touch the top and thank Natalia, my voice low, but my heart loud. Over and over, I thank her as I plug in Leo’s phone next to him in the living room, clean up his kitchen and sulk out of his house with the young girl’s words haunting me.
Still, above it all, Leo’s searing gaze and statement ricochets through my mind. I want you to see me like you see him. Love me like you love him.
CHAPTER SEVEN
KENDALL
THE DRIVE IS COLD and lonely. I cry most of the way home, only pausing my sorrowful tirade while I run into the grocery store, eyes swollen and red. I wouldn’t want my sadness tainting one more person on this planet. I’m sad for Natalia. For myself. For every confused friendship that’s ever existed. I’m also angry. At myself. For knowing what I should do, and ignoring that impulse completely. It’s because of the light. That ray of happy light that peeks out when I’m with Leo. I won’t abandon it, instead I’ll clutch it to my chest and call it a lifeline.
My driveway is only lit on the left side. One of the floodlight bulbs went out a few weeks ago and we haven’t replaced it yet. Maybe Adam doesn’t know I’m home, hiding away in the car on the dark side of the driveway because I don’t know what to say to him about why I’m upset. A dead teenager’s poem really struck a chord. He’d think it weak and a feeble excuse for my emotions. He’ll want to know more. What it said. I’ll tell him. He will ask what that means. I’ll say I don’t know. He’ll call me a liar. I’ll sleep in the guest room. Noel will anchor me. To this house and to this marriage. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Pulling down the mirror, I try to fix my face. Not that I had much makeup on to begin with, but the raccoon eyes will give me away almost immediately. Steeling myself against the cold, I push open the front door, set down the grocery bag, and start disrobing.
“You’re here!” Adam exclaims.
My back is facing him. “You’ll be so proud. I remembered to get the select-a-size this time.”
“Ah, you do know exactly how to blow my skirt up,” Adam counters.
I sniffle once, “Every time.” Grabbing the bag, I turn and head into the kitchen. “It’s so cold out there. Nose is leaking like a faucet.”
Adam lays a hand on my shoulder. I don’t jump from his touch. “Here’s the thing,” he says. I meet his gaze and am greeted with his tone-deaf excitement. “I have two surprises for you. Which do you want first, sharp or sweet?”
He looks my face over, and I must pass inspection, because his eyes linger on mine and his grin intensifies. “Did you get me something?” I ask.
“Yes,” Adam says, coyly. “Pick. Which one do you want first?”
I sigh, sliding my hands to my hips. “Sweet. Sharp scares me.”
He chuckles. “Juliet is coming into town next weekend!”
My hands drop. “What? Seriously?”
“We’ve been in communication and we’ve been planning this for a while. I thought it better not to spring it on you and have her sitting in the living room when you got home. So, giving you a week’s notice on your surprise. Are you happy? I can’t really tell.”
I blow out a breath. “Of course
. Of course. This is amazing. Thank you. It’s been so long,” I exclaim.
He sees the hesitation. I can’t hide it. “It’s going to be good to talk to her about everything.”
I slide onto a barstool and swivel to face him. “I know it will.”
“You’re not burdening anyone by telling them you’ve been depressed. Again, I know. You can’t hide from me.”
I’m a fool. Adam has done something nice for me and I’m over here worried about myself. “Thank you. I mean it. This is a really great surprise. How long will she be in town?”
“She’s going to search for something to buy or rent while she’s on this coast. She’s moving here next month.” I’ll have my best friend back. My heart leaps. “Isn’t that great news?”
I nod. “The best news.” I’m vibrating with excitement. Another ray of light breaks free, penetrating the crumbling wall of my insecurities. “This means a lot to me. I can help her search. Maybe I can get that Friday off work.” The wheels are already spinning. “I should go call her and tell her I know.”
Adam lays a hand on my thigh. “Wait,” he says, moving his hand back and forth. “One more surprise.”
“You already got me Juliet,” I say, setting my hand on his. “What could possibly top that?”
He bites his lip to stop his crazy huge smile. “Wait right there.” He taps me once more. “Actually, go to the sofa and sit there, okay?”
I narrow my eyes. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. Humor me. Please?” He’s in his charming mode.
Sighing, I rise and make a show of flopping onto the couch. “Surprise me,” I say. “I’m ready for it!” There isn’t any expectation attached to this moment and I wish there was. Back when we were dating, I loved when he surprised me.
“Close your eyes,” Adam calls.
“Eyes closed, boss.” I cover my eyes with my fingers.
I hear him shuffling in the hallway, and a throaty laugh. He sets something in my lap and says, “Open them and don’t freak out.”
I take my fingers off my eyes and look down at the absolutely adorable, fuzzy, black kitten in my lap. “Oh, my God, Adam. Oh, my God. Are you serious?” The immediate reaction is to pick her up and clutch her to my chest. Adam nods, smiling at me. “My gosh. I can’t believe this is happening. I might cry. It’s so adorable,” I exclaim, extending the kitten away from me so I can get a better look. “It has a little white patch on its chest.” I turn her around. “And her tail has a white spot. It is so adorable.” I hug her again. “A girl or a boy?”
“A boy,” Adam says. “The cutest one I could find at the shelter. He was the runt of his litter, the lady said. Do you like him?”
A tear slips down my face. True happiness. “Do I like him? I love him. I’ve wanted a kitten for so long. This is perfect. Perfect, Adam. Thank you so much.”
Adam sits next to me and pets the kitten on the head. “I’m glad. I would have given you a kitten months ago if I knew you wanted one so bad. You should have told me.” He leans over and presses a kiss to the side of my head.
“It doesn’t matter. He’s here now,” I say, trying not to let reminders of the past creep in and ruin this moment. “What should we name him?”
“I think you need to name him. On your own,” Adam says. I meet his eyes, and there’s a hint of sadness there. Like he’s disappointed at my reaction somehow. Was my enthusiasm lacking?
I kiss the kitten’s head. “I need to google names. Where were you keeping him?” I ask.
“I picked him up while you were out,” he says, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. The kitten lets out a sad meow. I pet him under his chin. “He’s only seven weeks, so he’ll miss his mom for a little while. And cry a lot. And wake us up in the middle of the night. Or at least that’s what they said at the shelter.”
I bring the kitten’s face to mine. “You won’t be sad. I won’t let you miss your mama,” I say. He has huge green eyes and the tiniest face I’ve ever seen. “Don’t be sad.” I kiss him between his eyes and set him back in my lap and turn to Adam. “This was a great surprise. Thank you again.”
He swallows hard. “It’s good to see you this happy. It makes me happy.”
“A kitten makes everyone happy,” I exclaim.
He looks to the door and then straight ahead. “Yeah.” He meets my gaze. “You’re right.”
Adam does not look happy. Not a true happiness anyway. “I’m going to grab a quick shower and work on a project for a bit. I’ll let you two get better acquainted.” He pets the cat and stands. “They said to confine the kitten to a room until he gets a little bigger, and then to let him explore while we’re home and able to keep an eye on him.” He clears his throat. “I set him up in the guest room. Figure that’s the smallest place where he could have his own space.” He tells me about the food he’s eating and the litter box, but my mind is stuck on the guest room.
With the kitten clutched to my chest, I walk down the hallway and into the room. Noel’s urn is not on the dresser. Adam is behind me in the next beat. “Calm down, Kendall. Calm down. It’s safe.”
I shake my head even as my pulse rages inside my ears. “I’m calm.”
“I put it in the closet. In the thick cardboard box it came in. I didn’t want the kitten to accidentally knock it over.” Adam pauses in the doorway, the imaginary line drawn. “Okay? Is that okay?”
It makes logical sense, but my heart doesn’t understand logic when it comes to that urn. I nod. Adam doesn’t accept that. He comes in and puts his hands on my shoulders.
“Do you want it back out?” he asks. His words don’t reach me. They’re swirling around my echo chamber, unable to penetrate the force field. The kitten meows loudly, and I stroke his fur. “Do you want it back out?”
“She’s not an it,” I yell.
Adam moves into my eye line. “It is an urn. Do you want the urn out of the closet? I was only doing what I thought was best. What do you want?” Gently, he touches the side of my face. I turn to face him. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I think you made a good decision.” As I say it, I know I don’t believe it. “I got used to having her there. That’s all. You don’t have to apologize.”
He smiles weakly, kisses me on the mouth, and closes the door behind him. I hear the shower start and breathe out a huge sigh. I set the kitten down by the litter box and open the closet. I remove the box, open the top, and see that she’s packaged with the utmost of care, bubble wrap surrounding the urn on every side. I close the lid before a tear mars the porcelain, and put everything back inside the closet, safe and sound. When I close the door, the kitten bats at my feet. I scoop him up and tuck us into my bed. Opening my laptop, I google cat names for far longer than I should. I only shower and get ready for bed after I’m questioning my sanity.
“Who are you?” I ask the kitten sitting on the edge of the bed. “How do I know who you’re supposed to be?”
He meows at me, opening his mouth so wide his eyes close completely. I laugh. He repeats the gesture, and I laugh even louder. Adam knocks on the door softly before poking his head in.
He grins when he sees me. “Go ahead and sleep in here,” he says, clearing his throat.
“Thank God you said it. I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell you I was going to sleep with him tonight.”
Adam smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “’Night, Kendall.” He casts a glance to the kitten, waits for my reply, then shuts the door.
_______________
I drive by Leo’s house in the morning on my way to work. I know it’s early and I know he’ll probably still be sleeping. He was in rough shape. I ring the doorbell with my elbow with cups of Dunkin’ coffee filling each hand. He opens it quicker this time. His big grin greeting me. His hair is wet and the heat from a recent shower clings around his body like an aura.
I swallow when I smell his soap. The air around him even tastes good. Is that what his skin tastes like? I extend a coffee to him. “
How do you feel today?” He’s tucking in a white undershirt into his uniform pants.
“I’m going to try to go to work today. I think your soup was the magic cure. Just what I needed. I, ah,” Leo says, closing the door behind me. The front room is spotlessly clean. “Sorry about yesterday. My body is like a machine. When I take medicine, everything shorts out.”
I sip my latte. “And you turn into a rude barbarian who is so offensive I had to run out of here before you savagely attacked me?” I grin. It’s a joke. Leo isn’t laughing.
“Don’t say that. I’d never hurt you.” He walks into the kitchen. I follow him, peeking into his bedroom as we pass. The bed is neatly made. “I’m sorry for what I said.”
“And did?” I ask.
Leo spins on me. “What did I do?”
I roll my eyes up to think. “Oh, the sexual innuendos were strong and you couldn’t stop staring at my ass, but I forgive you. I have amazing news,” I exclaim setting my coffee down, and grabbing his forearms. “Like the best news ever.”
He eyes my hands, then meets my gaze with a gleaming grin. “Yeah? Lay it on me, Kid.”
“I got a kitten. Adam got me the cutest little baby kitten in the entire world. Oh, and Juliet is coming for a visit next week. I’m so happy I could pop. Isn’t that the best?”
Leo laughs. “It’s nice seeing you this happy. I’m happy for you. What did you name the little guy?”
“How did you know it was a boy?” I ask, eyes narrowed. His smile is so big, I can’t stop smiling in response.
“Just a fifty-fifty guess. I’m right most of the time.” He pulls out of my grasp and drinks some of his coffee. I watch his neck work as he swallows and try to school my expression. Friendship.
“You know? I spent all night trying to come up with a name for him. Something meaningful and awesome, but when I look at him I see a little lump of cute, black coal. I called him Coal this morning and I think he likes it.”
He waves me to the dining table with his coffee in one hand. I sit in the seat he sat in yesterday at the head of the table. “Is that too plain?”
Lust in Translation (Harbour Point SEAL Series Book 1) Page 8