I choke on a sob. “I have to go back in there. I have to sleep in his bed tonight.”
Leo takes me by the arms and pulls me away. “Here’s the thing, Kendall. You can talk to me all you want about your marriage, but I can’t help it. I’m not in it. If you don’t want to sleep in his bed, then don’t. Don’t tell me about it. Tell him that. Though I’m pretty sure he knows you don’t want to sleep in his bed at this juncture.”
“How do you know that?”
He cups my face and his hand is warm against my icy skin. “You’re happy.” Leo leans in and I’m both excited and terrified when his lips linger near mine. The steam from our breath mingles in the space between our mouths. I can taste his tongue in the vapor. My eyes fall closed and I tilt my chin up, willing him to take what I’m offering, what I want to give him.
When I open my eyes, I see the shadows on his face. The restraint. The look. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Simmons.” Shut down. Shut off. Leo pushes me back and closes the door of his truck and the engine roars to life a moment later. I stand there, on the dark side of the driveway long after his truck disappears from my view.
My heart is still pounding when I go back inside. He almost kissed me. He wanted to kiss me. The attraction is there. It’s quantifiable. Juliet sees it. How do I fight against it? Do I even want to? Kicking off my boots and hanging my coat, I realize I’ve left the door open a crack. Or has it been cracked the entire time I was outside? I push it closed and head to the guestroom.
CHAPTER NINE
KENDALL
COAL GOT OUTSIDE LAST night. I could neither find him when we looked before bed, nor when I woke up early this morning. It’s my punishment for being an awful wife, I’m sure. I tried to focus on Spanish lessons with Leo and Snider, a new student who joined after Hatton left for the west coast, but my mind was elsewhere. The only good thing that came from it today was that the awkwardness last night that could have born was erased because of my cat’s escape.
Margaret just emailed me back to let me know I could leave early to go look for Coal because there is a huge snow storm coming. I’m panicked I won’t find him before we get a few feet of snow. He’ll be buried. Adam tried to comfort me saying that Coal would find a hiding spot and hunker down, but that didn’t help my nerves.
Snider is on target with lessons now so both men are working on the same test at the moment. The competition is evident in the way they hold the tablets and zone into the questions. I’m not sure if they’re in unspoken competition to finish first or to get a better grade, but I figure I can use their nature to help them learn. Everything is a competition for these guys. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s always friendly, as they’re friends, but the desire to be the best in everything leaks out of them in spades.
“Guys, Margaret said I could leave a bit early today so I can go home and look for my cat before the snow comes. I hope you don’t mind.”
Leo’s head pops up from his screen. “I told you I’d come help you look,” Leo says.
I nod. “Yeah. You don’t have to, Callaway. I appreciate the offer, though.”
He shakes his head and mutters something under his breath. Snider grins. I’m out of this joke for sure. I sigh and pull up a browser to research how to make an outdoor cat box with a heating pad. I need a huge rubber tub. The hardware store is thirty minutes away. The snow is already pouring out of the sky—a heavy flow that will only increase as the day beats on.
“Callaway,” I call, interrupting him again. He quirks a brow as reply. “Can I have a word?”
He makes a loud spectacle as he slides his chair backwards and stands. “Of course. I’m only taking a test right now.”
Snider laughs again, tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth as he gets ahead in their game.
I wave at him to come around my desk. “I need to make this. Do you have a big box that I could have? Something over in the storage building, maybe?”
Leo places his hand on the back of my chair as he leans over to scope out what I’m showing him. His fingers touch my back. Does he know I feel him? Is it a purposeful move to touch me? To give me comfort? I’m staring at the side of his face when he finally nods. “I have all of that. Let me finish the test and we can go over there and build it quickly. It will only take a few minutes. I have the supplies in my locker. Try not to worry, Simmons. Cats are clever.”
He’s still a baby. I can’t believe he’s clever when he’s so tiny. “I know,” I say instead. “Thank you so much. I owe you.”
He laughs. “Soup repayment.”
“Oh, yeah. Okay.”
He heads back to his chair and, once seated, runs both of his hands through his hair. He looks frustrated. Surely it isn’t because of my test. It’s easy. Snider finishes first and Leo fidgets in his seat—irritated. I grade it quickly, and only have to mark a few wrong because of spelling errors. Snider seems happy with his grade.
“Alright, you two. Keep warm in the snow. I hope you find your cat, Simmons.”
“Check the website to see if we’ll have class tomorrow,” I remind Snider. “If we’re buried overnight, they might close the base down. You know that already, though.” I’m the new person here. This is old hat for the SEALs.
“Roger that,” Snider says, being polite. To Leo he says, “Try not to get so distracted next time, loser.” Snider leaves my room laughing.
Leo finishes about five minutes later. Zero mistakes.
“Wow,” I say, recording his perfect score. “You really got this lesson,” I remark.
“Yeah, had a lot of time for studying when I was sick.”
“Makes sense,” I say, clearing my throat. This is the first time we’ve been alone all day and my confidence slips. “Hey, um. I just. About last night. I had too much to drink.”
He nods. A slight smirk on his face. “Don’t mention it. Another IOU paid after my medicine drunk tirade, right?”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Yeah, so we’re definitely even now. Fair and square.”
“Ready?” he asks, standing. Leo grabs his cap and turns to face me.
I smooth my skirt down, grab my purse from the bottom drawer, and scoop up my jacket and gloves. He opens the door for me as I bundle up. I know to get to the cages we need to walk along a pathway outside. The cages are individual lockers each SEAL is assigned to keep their gear and uniforms. “Will they let me in?” I ask. “I don’t have the other badge.” They have a different badge than I do.
“You’re with me. You don’t need to badge in.” I step on a slick section of sidewalk and Leo steadies me, reaching out quickly to grab my elbow. “It’s really coming down now,” he remarks, instead of commenting on my clumsiness.
“I’m so worried about Coal,” I say, changing the subject, trying not to think about how my skin is on fire where his hand just grabbed me. “I know it’s stupid to be this upset about an animal, but he got out because I was such a mess last night and didn’t close the door. It was all my fault. The first thing I was supposed to care for after Noel passed, and I can’t even manage to get it right.”
“He should have stayed in the house. They call it survival of the fittest for a reason. Some animals are stupid. The cat is stupid.”
“Why does that not make me feel better? At all.”
Leo chuckles and ushers me forward into a side door. “Don’t worry. You’ll find him. Watch your step.” Holding the door for me, I step through and shake the snow from my shoulders and hair.
When we get to the cage room it’s mostly empty, but I hear men laughing and joking somewhere in the huge expanse of the room. It reminds me of a black, dicey warehouse. Something out of a horror movie, the cages are better equipped to store people instead of guns and cold weather gear. We pass by Long’s cage. I know it’s his because each locker has a name plate on the front. “Sexy Simmons,” Long barks out. “You are speaking my language, baby,” he rasps out in perfect Spanish, a sarcastic hint to his tone letting me know he’s joking.
Leo laughs and tells him to shut up, using English and harsh, humorous words. I say something quickly in Spanish I know the men won’t catch and follow Leo to the end of the long row. “I’m here,” he says, opening the gate and using a key to unlock the padlock. There’s plenty of room for both of us. “Also, how do you know how small Long’s dick is?” Leo asks, pressing his lips together into a firm line as he opens a big, rubber container and begins unloading things from it.
“You heard me?” I ask, laying an I am innocent palm across my chest.
He laughs, shrugging. “He does have a small dick.”
“He’s a funny man. I get it. Doesn’t mean I can’t be annoyed by it,” I reply.
Leo tells me a story to retrieve his friend from the negative mental place I’ve sent him. We’re both laughing by the end of the story and I feel bad for what I said about his penis to begin with. Long is his good friend with a raunchy sense of humor. Everyone can’t be politically correct, I suppose. Leo pulls out an electric warming pad from a different box. “Here it is,” he says, tossing it into the storage bin he just emptied.
“Thank you so much, Callaway. It would have taken me over an hour to get to the hardware store and back, and I want to get home and start looking as soon as I can.” I sit on a folding chair. “I should have known you’d have all of this stuff. It’s like you guys are your own hardware store.”
“Pretty much. The gear we’re issued is extensive. A lot of it we never use. Guess it’s better to be prepared just in case we need to save a cat, right?”
Even though I feel like crying, I laugh. “Right,” I reply.
The urge to hug him arises. I stand and we’re in close-enough proximity that leaning in would be the easiest thing in the world. I could reach out and touch him. Because I can’t control my hand, I finger the collar of his jacket and dust an imaginary piece of fuzz from his lapel.
He shakes his head, the rest of his body remaining shock still. “Finding excuses to touch me?” Leo grunts, lashes lowering as he peers down at me.
I break his gaze and watch my hand instead. I slide it down, touching each button as I go. “No. No excuses. I’m touching your shirt. Not you.”
He swallows hard and sneaks a glance over his shoulder. We’re far enough away from the other men. There are about thirty, nine-foot-by-nine-foot cages separating us. He meets my eyes. Leo licks his lips. “Hey, how about we go set this up? Get Coal back home before it really starts dumping on us?” Logical words, yes, but they’re seeping out of his perfect, forbidden lips. I’m transfixed. Trapped. An animal caged.
“Kendall, please. Don’t look at me like that.” Leo pulls away from me and picks up the storage bin with the heating pad inside. “I’m serious,” he deadpans, the big container creating an ocean of space between our bodies.
I narrow my eyes. “Like what? Like you look at me?”
His burly chest heaves as he blows out a long breath. “Like you want to fuck me. For God’s sake, you make being your friend the most challenging experience on planet Earth.”
“Oh, but it’s okay for you to look at me like you want to fuck me?”
“Don’t say fuck, Kid.” Leo walks out of his cage, holding the door open for me to exit, the box held under one arm. “The difference is I can control myself,” Leo hisses, teeth clenched, voice low. “You’re out of control.”
“And you can’t control me.”
He bites his lip. “I want to. Trust me, do I want to fucking control you. In all ways. But newsflash, you’re a married woman.”
My legs shake as my body and mind war with each other. “Go be uncontrollable with Adam. That’s what you’re saying? That’s what you want me to do?”
“No,” Leo yells, and then looks down the hall, setting the box down. Long and the buddy he was joking with stopped talking loudly so I know they’re listening or trying to hear what we’re talking about. “I didn’t say that. Don’t put words in my mouth.” Leo blows out an irritated breath and runs a free hand through his hair. “Let’s go find Coal, okay?”
I’m frustrated. “Way to use my cat to get out of this conversation.”
“Turning the same tricks you do, then, aren’t I? That’s your M.O., so I’ve learned from the best.”
I spin on him, pressing a finger into the center of his chest. “Screw you, Leo. You don’t know anything at all.”
“Don’t I?” He opens his arms—challenging.
“I’m not going to call your bluff on this one. You don’t know anything.” I wouldn’t want to hear the truth. Not right now.
We walk in silence, me huffing in irritation to the parking lot, and luckily I don’t fall again. Leo loads the box into my trunk. “I’ll come over after I stop by my house. I have to do…something.”
“Don’t bother. Thank you for these things. I don’t need any more help.”
“Don’t be like that,” Leo counters, snow sticking to his stupid hat and dumb eyelashes. “I’m trying to be your friend, Kid. I wish you knew just how hard I’m trying.”
“Why is it a trying type of thing? Why can’t you just be my friend?”
His eyes squint and his face falls. “You really have to ask that?”
The pain is so apparent, I look away. “Obviously. I asked, didn’t I?”
He presses his lips together and shakes his head. “Listen, forget about it. Call me if you need help setting it up or want help looking. I read that cats usually don’t stray far from their home. Especially with this weather. Keep the search area small to start.”
He looked it up—researched how to find a missing cat. “Are you going to see Avery?” I ask, because even now, jealousy pricks my heart.
“Why are you doing this to yourself? Does it matter if I’m going to see Avery? You shouldn’t care. I’m your friend.”
“I care,” I return, folding my arms.
“She got into some trouble again. I promised to help her out.”
My heart sinks. “Oh. I’m sorry.” That’s what it takes for me to shake myself out of the lusty anger haze. “I hope she’s okay.”
“She will be, I think. Working on that spark at the same time, you know?”
I hang my head. “Yeah. I know what you mean. I have therapy tonight. Thanks again,” I say, getting into my car and shutting the door.
Leo opens it behind me. “Drive safe. It’s getting scary out there. I can’t talk about this right now. Okay? Just drive safe.”
“You, too,” I parrot back. He closes the door.
I drive home thinking about vanilla cake.
_______________
Therapy was mindless because I said everything I knew I was supposed to say. She asks us the same question every week. Both Adam and I give the same answer. This week, though, when she asked if we saw ourselves in a happy marriage five years from now, he said he wasn’t sure. I’m losing him bit by bit. The uncertainty of timing eats at me. There’s something about therapy that makes me want to try to be a better person for Adam. This week we’re supposed to work on our communication. It seems like a foolish thing to say, but honestly, I never say the things I want to. For once, I’m going to tell him everything, let it all come out. I didn’t expect the resentment from Adam admitting he only married me because I was pregnant, but it’s there. It knocks on my heart any time I feel guilty for not being a good wife. Hello, Kendall, he never wanted you, you forced him into matrimony and now he’s trapped. Juliet left early this morning to get to Boston before the snow got heavy. I already miss her.
The snow is coming down so hard that Adam is driving about fifteen miles per hour and all we can see on the two-lane main road are brake lights. “How was your day today? Other than the parts I already know about.”
I close my eyes. “What parts do you know about?”
Adam sighs as we come to stop. “Everything you told the doctor.” Maybe I begin now. Tell him everything. “This motherfucking traffic. We’re never going to get home.” Distraction. Interruption. It woul
d be a mistake to bring it up now.
“There’s really not much more than what we spoke about already. I’m worried about Coal and all of this snow.” I almost mentioned Leo three times in those two sentences, and I’m irritated I have to work to keep his name from my lips.
Adam rubs his hands up and down the steering wheel. “How was class today? How’s Callaway?”
Leaning my head on my hand, I reply with a swift, “He’s fine.” Was that reply too short? Will it seem like I’m hiding something? Am I? “The lessons are coming along. Callaway gave me the stuff to set up the cat house for outside. He had it all, so that saved me from running over to the hardware store.” I pause, waiting for more questions, but Adam stays silent. “I’m going to miss Juliet.” Subject change. “I hope she made it before the snow got too heavy.”
“I’ll miss Juliet, too. She really brought out the best in you,” Adam returns. He glances at me quickly, and then focuses on the road and the crawling traffic. “You opened up.”
I clear my throat. “She’s my best friend.”
He nods. “Did you glean any wisdom from her?”
Adam is fishing. He has to be.
“About what?”
He moves his hands against the steering wheel again. “About anything.”
The car in front of us moves. Thank God. “She has different perspectives about things because she’s not in a relationship. She can’t very well give me advice about our relationship when she has no clue how they function.”
“She’s been in a relationship,” Adam counters.
A thought strikes. “Was the purpose of having Juliet here because you thought she’d give me some life-altering marriage advice?” My heart pounds against my chest. “Your sly way of inviting my best friend here with altruistic motives? That’s disgusting. I give you too much credit sometimes.”
“Whoa. Whoa. That came out of left field. I did something nice for you. You’re trying to vilify me. That makes it easier for you to push me away.”
“The therapy session ended,” I whisper, irritated he’s probably right. “Why do you stay with me? Why are we trying to make this work?” Why? Why? Why? Why?
Lust in Translation (Harbour Point SEAL Series Book 1) Page 11