The physician of those days was a solemn personage: he would as readily have appeared without his head, as without his full-bottomed wig; and his ponderous goldheaded cane was a sort of fifth limb, the supposition of whose absence involved a contradiction to the laws of anatomy; his dress was rich and funereal; his step was slow and pompous; his words very long and very few; his look was mysterious; his nod awful; and the shake of his head unfathomable: in short, he was in no respect very much better than a modern charlatan. The science which he professed was then overgrown with absurdities and mystification. The temper of the times was superstitious and credulous, the physician, being wise in his generation, framed his outward man (including his air and language) accordingly, and the populace swallowed his long words and his electuaries with equal faith.
Doctor Mallarde was a doctor-like person, and, in theatrical phraseology, looked the part well. He was tall and stately, saturnine and sallow in aspect, had bushy, grizzled brows, and a severe and prominent dark eye, a thin, hooked nose, and a pair of lips just as thin as it. Along with these advantages he had a habit of pressing the gold head of his professional cane against one corner of his mouth, in a way which produced a sinister and mysterious distortion of that organ; and by exhibiting the medical baton, the outward and visible sign of doctorship, in immediate juxtaposition with the fountain of language, added enormously to the gravity and authority of the words which from time to time proceeded therefrom.
In the presence of such a spectre as this — intimately associated with all that was nauseous and deadly on earth — it is hardly to be wondered at that even Nicholas Blarden felt himself somewhat uneasy and abashed. The physician felt his pulse, gazing the while upon the ceiling, and pressing the gold head of his cane, as usual, to the corner of his mouth; made him put out his tongue, asked him innumerable questions, which we forbear to publish, and ended by forbidding his patient the use of every comfort in which he had hitherto found relief, and by writing a prescription which might have furnished a country dispensary with good things for a twelvemonth. He then took his leave and his fee, with the grisly announcement, that unless the drugs were all swallowed, and the other matters attended to in a spirit of absolute submission, he would not answer for the life of the patient.
“I am d —— d glad he’s gone at last,” exclaimed Blarden, with a kind of gasp, as if a weight had been removed from his breast. “Curse me, if I did not feel all the time as if my coffin was in the room. Are you there, M’Quirk?”
“Here I am, Mr. Blarden,” rejoined the person addressed, whom we may as well describe, as we shall have more to say about him by-and-by.
Mr. M’Quirk was a small, wiry man, of fifty years and upwards, arrayed in that style which is usually described as “shabby genteel.” He was gifted with one of those mean and commonplace countenances which seem expressly made for the effectual concealment of the thoughts and feelings of the possessor — an advantage which he further secured by habitually keeping his eyes as nearly closed as might be, so that, for any indication afforded by them of the movements of the inward man, they might as well have been shut up altogether. The peculiarity, if not the grace, of his appearance, was heightened by a contraction of the muscles at the nape of the neck, which drew his head backward, and produced a corresponding elevation of the chin, which, along with a certain habitual toss of the head, gave to his appearance a kind of caricatured affectation of superciliousness and hauteur, very impressive to behold. Along with the swing of the head, which we have before noticed, there was, whenever he spoke, a sort of careless libration of the whole body, which, together with a certain way of jerking or twitching the right shoulder from time to time, were the only approaches to gesticulation in which he indulged.
“Well, what does your master say?” inquired Blarden— “out with it, can’t you.”
“Master — master — indeed! Cock him up with master,” echoed the man, with lofty disdain.
“Ay! what does he say?” reiterated Blarden, in no very musical tones. “D —— you, are you choking, or moonstruck? Out with it, can’t you?”
“Chancey says that you had better think the matter over — and that’s his opinion,” replied M’Quirk.
“And a fine opinion it is,” rejoined Blarden, furiously. “Why, in hell’s name, what’s the matter with him — the — drivelling idiot? What’s law for — what’s the courts for? Am I to be trounced and cudgelled in the face of hundreds, and — and half murdered, and nothing for it? I tell you, I’ll be beggared before the scoundrel shall escape. If every penny I’m worth in the world can buy it, I’ll have justice. Tell that sleepy sot Chancey that I’ll make him work. Ho — o — o — oh!” bawled the wretch, as his anguish all returned a hundredfold in the fruitless attempt to raise himself in bed.
“Drink, here — drink — I’m choking! Hock and water. D —— you, don’t look so stupid and frightened. I’ll not be bamboozled by an old ‘pothecary. Quick with it, you fumbling witch.”
He finished the draught, and lay silently for a time.
“See — mind me, M’Quirk,” he said, after a pause, “tell Chancey to come out himself — tell him to be here before evening, or I’ll make him sorry for it, do you mind; I want to give him directions. Tell him to come at once, or I’ll make him smoke for it, that’s all.”
“I understand — all right — very well; and so, as you seem settling for a snooze, I wish you good-evening, Mr. Blarden, and all sorts of pleasure and happiness,” rejoined the messenger.
The patient answered by a grin and a stifled howl, and Mr. M’Quirk, having his head within the curtains, which screened him effectually from the observation of the two attendants, and observing that Mr. Blarden’s eyes were closely shut in the rigid compression of pain, put out his tongue, and indulged for a few seconds in an exceedingly ugly grimace, after which, repeating his farewell in a tone of respectful sympathy, he took his departure, chuckling inwardly all the way downstairs, for the little gentleman had a playful turn for mischief.
When Gordon Chancey, Esquire, barrister-at-law, in obedience to this summons, arrived at Cherry Hill, for so the residence of the sick voluptuary was called, he found his loving friend and patron, Nicholas Blarden, babbling not of green fields, but of green curtains, theatres, dice-boxes, bright eyes, small-swords, and the shades infernal — in a word, in a high state of delirium. On calling next day, however, he beheld him much recovered; and after an extremely animated discussion, these two well-assorted confederates at length, by their united ingenuity, succeeded in roughly sketching the outlines of a plan of terrific vengeance, in all respects worthy of the diabolical council in which it originated, and of whose progress and development this history very fully treats.
CHAPTER XXIV.
A CRITIC — A CONDITION — AND THE SMALL-SWORDS.
Lord Aspenly walked forth among the trim hedges and secluded walks which surrounded the house, and by alternately taking enormous pinches of rappee, and humming a favourite air or two, he wonderfully assisted his philosophy in recovering his equanimity.
“It matters but little how the affair ends,” thought his lordship, “if in matrimony — the girl is, after all, a very fine girl: but if the matter is fairly off, in that case I shall — look very foolish,” suggested his conscience faintly, but his lordship dismissed the thought precipitately— “in that case I shall make it a point to marry within a fortnight. I should like to know the girl who would refuse me”— “the only one you ever asked,” suggested his conscience again, but with no better result— “I should like to see the girl of sense or discrimination who could refuse me. I shall marry the finest girl in the country, and then I presume very few will be inclined to call me fool.”
“Not I for one, my lord,” exclaimed a voice close by. Lord Aspenly started, for he was conscious that in his energy he had uttered the concluding words of his proud peroration with audible emphasis, and became instantly aware that the speaker was no other than Major O’Leary.
“Not I for one, my lord,” repeated the major, with extreme gravity, “I take it for granted, my lord, that you are no fool.”
“I am obliged to you, Major O’Leary, for your good opinion,” replied his lordship, drily, with a surprised look and a stiff inclination of his person.
“Nothing to be grateful for in it,” replied the major, returning the bow with grave politeness: “if years and discretion increase together, you and I ought to be models of wisdom by this time of day. I’m proud of my years, my lord, and I would be half as proud again if I could count as many as your lordship.”
There was something singularly abrupt and uncalled for in all this, which Lord Aspenly did not very well understand; he therefore stopped short, and looked in the major’s face; but reading in its staid and formal gravity nothing whatever to furnish a clue to his exact purpose, he made a kind of short bow, and continued his walk in dignified silence. There was something exceedingly disagreeable, he thought, in the manner of his companion — something very near approaching to cool impertinence — which he could not account for upon any other supposition than that the major had been prematurely indulging in the joys of Bacchus. If, however, he thought that by the assumption of the frigid and lofty dignity with which he met the advances of the major, he was likely to relieve himself of his company, he was never more lamentably mistaken. His military companion walked with a careless swagger by his side, exactly regulating his pace by that of the little nobleman, whose meditations he had so cruelly interrupted.
“What on earth is to be done with this brute beast?” muttered his lordship, taking care, however, that the query should not reach the subject of it. “I must get rid of him — I must speak with the girl privately — what the deuce is to be done?”
They walked on a little further in perfect silence. At length his lordship stopped short and exclaimed, —
“My dear major, I am a very dull companion — quite a bore; there are times when the mind — the — the — spirits require solitude — and these walks are the very scene for a lonely ramble. I dare venture to aver that you are courting solitude like myself — your silence betrays you — then pray do not stand on ceremony — that walk leads down toward the river — pray no ceremony.”
“Upon my conscience, my lord, I never was less inclined to stand on ceremony than I am at this moment,” replied the major; “so give yourself no trouble in the world about me. Nothing would annoy me so much as to have you think I was doing anything but precisely what I liked best myself.”
Lord Aspenly bowed, took a violent pinch of snuff, and walked on, the major still keeping by his side. After a long silence his lordship began to lilt his own sweet verses in a careless sort of a way, which was intended to convey to his tormentor that he had totally forgotten his presence: —
“Tho’ Chloe slight me when I woo,
And scorn the love of poor Philander;
The shepherd’s heart she scorns is true,
His heart is true, his passion tender.”
“Passion tender,” observed the major— “passion tender — it’s a nurse-tender the like of you and me ought to be looking for — passion tender — upon my conscience, a good joke.”
Lord Aspenly was strongly tempted to give vent to his feelings; but even at the imminent risk of bursting, he managed to suppress his fury. The major was certainly (however unaccountable and mysterious the fact might be) in a perfectly cut-throat frame of mind, and Lord Aspenly had no desire to present his weasand for the entertainment of his military friend.
“Tender — tender,” continued the inexorable major, “allow me, my lord, to suggest the word tough as an improvement — tender, my lord, is a term which does not apply to chickens beyond a certain time of life, and it strikes me as too bold a license of poetry to apply it to a gentleman of such extreme and venerable old age as your lordship; for I take it for granted that Philander is another name for yourself.”
As the major uttered this critical remark, Lord Aspenly felt his brain, as it were, fizz with downright fury; the instinct of self-preservation, however, triumphed; he mastered his generous indignation, and resumed his walk in a state of mind nothing short of awful.
“My lord,” inquired the major, with tragic abruptness, and with very stern emphasis— “I take the liberty of asking, have you made your soul?”
The precise nature of the major’s next proceeding, Lord Aspenly could not exactly predict; of one thing, however, he felt assured, and that was, that the designs of his companion were decidedly of a dangerous character, and as he gazed in mute horror upon the major, confused but terrific ideas of “homicidal monomania,” and coroner’s inquests floated dimly through his distracted brain.
“My soul?” faltered he, in undisguised trepidation.
“Yes, my lord,” repeated the major, with remarkable coolness, “have you made your soul?”
During this conference his lordship’s complexion had shifted from its original lemon-colour to a lively orange, and thence faded gradually off into a pea-green; at which hue it remained fixed during the remainder of the interview.
“I protest — you cannot be serious — I am wholly in the dark. Positively, Major O’Leary, this is very unaccountable conduct — you really ought — pray explain.”
“Upon my conscience, I will explain,” rejoined the major, “although the explanation won’t make you much more in love with your present predicament, unless I am very much out. You made my niece, Mary Ashwoode, an offer of marriage to-day; well, she was much obliged to you, but she did not want to marry you, and she told you so civilly. Did you then, like a man and a gentleman, take your answer from her as you ought to have done, quietly and courteously? No, you did not; you went to bully the poor girl, and to insult her; because she politely declined to marry a — a — an ugly bunch of wrinkles, like you; and you threatened to tell Sir Richard — ay, you did — to tell him your pitiful story, you — you — you — but wait awhile. You want to have the poor girl frightened and bullied into marrying you. Where’s your spirit or your feeling, my lord? But you don’t know what the words mean. If ever you did, you’d sooner have been racked to death, than have terrified and insulted a poor friendless girl, as you thought her. But she’s not friendless. I’ll teach you she’s not. As long as this arm can lift a small-sword, and while the life is in my body, I’ll never see any woman maltreated by a scoundrel — a scoundrel, my lord; but I’ll bring him to his knees for it, or die in the attempt. And holding these opinions, did you think I’d let you offend my niece? No, sir, I’d be blown to atoms first.”
“Major O’Leary,” replied his lordship, as soon as he had collected his thoughts and recovered breath to speak, “your conduct is exceedingly violent — very, and, I will add, most hasty and indiscreet. You have entirely misconceived me, you have mistaken the whole affair. You will regret this violence — I protest — I know you will, when you understand the whole matter. At present, knowing the nature of your feelings, I protest, though I might naturally resent your observations, it is not in my nature, in my heart to be angry.” This was spoken with a very audible quaver.
“You would, my lord, you would be angry,” rejoined the major, “you’d dance with fury this moment, if you dared. You could find it in your heart to go into a passion with a girl; but talking with men is a different sort of thing. Now, my lord, we are both here, with our swords; no place can be more secluded, and, I presume, no two men more willing. Pray draw, my lord, or I’ll be apt to spoil your velvet and gold lace.”
“Major O’Leary, I will be heard!” exclaimed Lord Aspenly, with an earnestness which the imminent peril of his person inspired— “I must have a word or two with you, before we put this dispute to so deadly an arbitrament.”
The major had foreseen and keenly enjoyed the reluctance and the evident tremors of his antagonist. He returned his half-drawn sword to its scabbard with an impatient thrust, and, folding his arms, looked down with supreme contempt upon the little peer.
“Major O’Leary, you have been misinformed — Miss Ashwoode has mistaken me. I assure you, I meant no disrespect — none in the world, I protest. I may have spoken hastily — perhaps I did — but I never intended disrespect — never for a moment.”
“Well, my lord, suppose that I admit that you did not mean any disrespect; and suppose that I distinctly assert that I have neither right nor inclination just now to call you to an account for anything you may have said, in your interview this morning, offensive to my niece; I give you leave to suppose it, and, what’s more, in supposing it, I solemnly aver, you suppose neither more nor less than the exact truth,” said the major.
“Well, then, Major O’Leary,” replied Lord Aspenly, “I profess myself wholly at a loss to understand your conduct. I presume, at all events, that nothing further need pass between us about the matter.”
“Not so fast, my lord, if you please,” rejoined the major; “a great deal more must pass between us before I have done with your lordship; although I cannot punish you for the past, I have a perfect right to restrain you for the future. I have a proposal to make, to which I expect your lordship’s assent — a proposal which, under the circumstances, I dare say, you will think, however unpleasant, by no means unreasonable.”
“Pray state it,” said Lord Aspenly, considerably reassured on finding that the debate was beginning to take a diplomatic turn.
“This is my proposal, then,” replied the major: “you shall write a letter to Sir Richard, renouncing all pretensions to his daughter’s hand, and taking upon yourself the whole responsibility of the measure, without implicating her directly or indirectly; do you mind: and you shall leave this place, and go wherever you please, before supper-time tonight. These are the conditions on which I will consent to spare you, my lord, and upon no other shall you escape.”
“Why, what can you mean, Major O’Leary?” exclaimed the little coxcomb, distractedly. “If I did any such thing, I should be run through by Sir Richard or his rakehelly son; besides, I came here for a wife — my friends know it; I cannot consent to make a fool of myself. How dare you presume to propose such conditions to me?”
Delphi Complete Works of Sheridan Le Fanu Page 19