by Sara Zaske
I’m willing to bet many of these same American parents have flags in their yards and believe strongly in the idea of freedom and in raising responsible, respectful children. Yet there’s an essential conflict between these ideals and a parenting style that doesn’t respect the rights of children. We cannot raise free and responsible children by trying to restrict what they think and believe, and beating them for misbehavior. We raise free and responsible children by giving them freedom and responsibility. Likewise, teaching children real respect for others, as opposed to the facsimile of respect meant to avoid punishment, requires first treating our children with respect.
You can find a lot of practical ways to give children more physical freedom in this book, such as by leaving your baby alone when she is happy, sending children outside every day, and giving them time to play without parents hovering. You can send your school-age child to the store by himself, or let her walk or bike to school with friends—all of these things are great. However, none of these activities will create confident, self-reliant children if we don’t first see our children as growing people with rights, not as beings we should control. If you want to parent like a German (or, if that hurts your patriotism, like a true freedom-loving American), you should start with a foundation that values children’s rights.
Freedom of Ideas
Perhaps the hardest thing to do is to give our growing children intellectual and spiritual freedom. We all want to raise children to become adults who hold the same values as we do, but no matter what we do, there is no guarantee that they will. Imposing our own belief systems on our children is likely to backfire, causing them to rebel, or may permanently damage our relationships with them as adults.
Do you think exactly like your parents do? On every topic? There’s a good reason it’s a cultural cliché to never discuss politics or religion at Thanksgiving dinner. Some of the most diverse and conflicting ideas are found among members of immediate families. So why then do we hang on to the practice of trying to mold our children into smaller versions of ourselves?
As parents, we can exercise an enormous amount of power over our children if we want to. We have physical, legal, and financial control over their lives for quite some time. If we misuse that power to try to force them to think the way we do, or do exactly what we want, our children may not forgive us when they get older.
“I’m looking at the long-term picture,” the German father Axel told me. “I’m looking at me at eighty. How do I want my kids to be with me? I’m not talking about them taking care of me when I’m fragile … but the emotional connection to them.”
With two teenage children just a few years from adulthood, Axel realizes that they will soon have their own lives, and other people and activities will become more important to them than their parents. Still, he would want them to know that he is always there for them, without judgment. “I would love for them to have that connection that if they have problems or find themselves in a really bad situation, they know they can come back and not have me say, ‘Oh, I told you so,’ ” he said.
I like Axel’s vision of the parent-child relationship, which builds respect and trust to last a lifetime. I hope I can do this with my children as well. I no longer expect to raise children who will agree with me. I know many adults who spend most of their lives working in a profession chosen by their parents or trying to overcome guilt for not living up to a parent’s expectations. I do not want to do that to my children. I want to support them to grow into the people they want to be.
It has been a decade now since my first child was born. I still don’t know what kind of adults either of my children will become, but I have seen some trends. Both children are adventurous and curious, two qualities Zac and I are happy to encourage.
Sophia is still “a sunshine girl,” a peace maker who gets along with most people. She is also a creator and loves to make things. She is constantly drawing, painting, sewing, and using whatever materials she can get her hands on to make all kinds of things. She’s told me she wants to be an artist and live near the beach in Santa Cruz. I smile at this and let her dream—I don’t see a need to discourage her with the realities of artists’ paychecks and the price of California beachfront property. Besides, who knows? Things could change by the time she’s twenty-three.
For Ozzie, I see a certain tenacity in him—a stick-to-it quality that I’ve tried to stop calling stubbornness. Ultimately I think it will serve him well in life. He’s the kind of kid who can concentrate on one topic for a long time but can’t remember to put his clothes on right side out and front side forward. Right now, one of his main obsessions is Vietnam, an interest he chose for himself when he discovered a love of Vietnamese food in Berlin. (He was won over by a dish of crispy duck and a glass of sweet mango lassi.) For some reason, he wants to learn everything about the country he can, including the language. So far, he’s taught himself how to say hello and a few numbers. In keeping with our effort to be honest about the past, we’ve told him the basics of the Vietnam War, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm.
I wonder sometimes if his Vietnam fascination will be a passing phase, like the way some kids are fascinated by dinosaurs for months, then find something else, but it has been over a year since this obsession started. Perhaps he’ll be on to the next thing soon, or maybe I’m raising a future ambassador to Vietnam. I don’t know. He also still likes rattlesnakes.
For now, I’m letting both my children roll with whatever interests them. Zac and I certainly won’t tell them they need to be doctors or lawyers, or even writers and scientists like their mom and dad. Instead, we’ll try to support them in their choices as much as possible. After all, it will be their lives to live.
Bibliography
ABA Fachverband. “Das Abenteuerspielplatz-Urteil.” 2008. http://www.aba-fachverband.org/fileadmin/user_upload_2008/recht/TD_01_Auflage7_ASP-Urteil_IN.pdf.
Ahnert, Lieslotte, Michael E. Lamb, and Katrin Seltenheim. “Infant–Care Provider Attachments in Contrasting German Child Care Settings.” Infant Behavior and Development 23, no. 2 (2000): 197–209.
Aktion Jugendschutz. “Toy Free Kindergarten.” Accessed October 13, 2016. http://www.spielzeugfreierkindergarten.de/fr_engl.html.
Albert, Mathias, Klaus Hurrelmann, and Gudrun Quenzel, in cooperation with TNS Infratest Social Research. The 17th Shell Youth Study. Hamburg: Deutsche Shell Holding GmbH, October 2015.
Albes, Jens. “Damit Spielen nur Spaß macht: Firma prüft Schaukeln und Gerüste auf Spielplätzen.” Deutsche Press-Agentur (DPA) on T-Online, January 14, 2013.
Allen, Taylor Ann. “Children Between Private and Public Worlds: The Kindergarten and Public Policy in Germany 1840–present,” in Kindergartens and Cultures: The Global Diffusion of an Idea, edited by Roberta Wollons, 16–41. New Haven: Yale University Press, 2000.
Allensbach Institut. “Einstellungen und Lebensbedingungen von Familien 2009.” Bundesministerium für Familie, Senioren, Frauen, und Jugend, 2009. http://www.ifd-allensbach.de/uploads/tx_studies/7407_Monitor_Familienleben_2009.pdf.
Alpers, Philip and Marcus Wilson. Germany—Gun Facts, Figures and the Law. Sydney School of Public Health, The University of Sydney. GunPolicy.org, October 13, 2016. http://www.gunpolicy.org/firearms/region/germany.
—United States—Gun Facts, Figures and the Law. Sydney School of Public Health, The University of Sydney. GunPolicy.org, June 20, 2016. http://www.gunpolicy.org/firearms/region/united-states.
American College Health Association. American College Health Association–National College Health Assessment II: Reference Group Undergraduates Executive Summary. Spring 2013. Hannover, MD: American College Health Association, 2013. http://www.acha-ncha.org/docs/ACHA-NCHA-II_UNDERGRAD_Reference_Group_ExecutiveSummary_Spring2013.pdf.
ARD-DeutschlandTrend. “Ostdeutsche haben mehr Angst vor Flüchtlingen.” September 3, 2014. https://www.tagesschau.de/inland/deutschlandtrend-395.html.
ASP Forcki. “Informationen zum Abenteuerspielplatz AS
P.” Accessed October 17, 2016. http://www.forcki.de.
Barros, R. M., E. J. Silver, and R. E. Stein. “123, no. 2 (2009): 431–6.
Bassok, D., S. Latham, and A. Rorem. “Is Kindergarten the New First Grade?” AERA Open, 1(4), 2016: 1–31. doi: 0.1177/2332858415616358.
Berwick, Carly. “The Great German School Turnaround,” The Atlantic, November 3, 2015.
Bittner, Jochem. “Günter Grass’s Germany, and Mine.” The New York Times, April 14, 2015. http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/15/opinion/gunter-grasss-germany-and-mine.html.
Blass, Simone. “Wenn plötzlich ein Fremder im Badezimmer steht,” T-online, June 24, 2016. http://www.t-online.de/eltern/erziehung/id_18919842/erster-freund-wenn-ploetzlich-ein-fremder-im-badezimmer-steht.html.
Browning, Christopher. Ordinary Men. Reserve Police Battalion 101 and the Final Solution in Poland. New York: Harper Collins, 1992.
Brussoni, M., R. Gibbons, C. Gray, T. Ishikawa, E. Sandseter, A. Bienenstock, G. Chabot, P. Fuselli, S. Herrington, I. Janssen, W. Pickett, M. Power, N. Stanger, M. Sampson, and M.S. Tremblay. “What Is the Relationship Between Risky Outdoor Play and Health in Children? A Systematic Review.” International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health 12, no. 6 (2015): 6423–54. doi: 10.3390/ijerph120606423.
Bundeszentrale fuer Politische Bildung (BPB). “Foundation and Development 1952–1961.” November 5, 2012. http://www.bpb.de/die-bpb/148017/foundation-and-development-1952–1961.
Buonanno, Paulo, and Francesco Drago. “How Much Should We Trust Crime Statistics? A Comparison Between UE and US.” LIEPP Working Paper 19 Paris: Sciences Po./LIEPP, February 2014. https://spire.sciencespo.fr/hdl:/2441/f6h8764e-nu2lskk9p48i5a4sj/resources/wp-19.pdf.
Bureau of Justice Statistics. “Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement: Victim, Incident, and Offender Characteristics.” U.S. Department of Justice, 2000.
Bureau of Labor Statistics. “Labor Force Statistics from the Current Population Survey.” Household Data, Annual Averages. Last modified: February 10, 2016. http://www.bls.gov/cps/cpsaat11.htm.
—Occupational Outlook Handbook: 2016–17 Edition, Childcare Workers. U.S. Department of Labor. http://www.bls.gov/ooh/personal-care-and-service/childcare-workers.htm.
—“Volunteering in the United States, 2015.” February 25, 2016. http://www.bls.gov/news.release/volun.nr0.htm.
BzgA. “Aktuelle BZgA-Studie zeigt Trendwende beim Rauschtrinken junger Männer—Alkoholkonsum bei jungen Menschen aber weiterhin zu hoch.” June 30, 2015. http://www.bzga.de/presse/pressemitteilungen/?nummer=996.
—“Jugendsexualität 2015: Erste Ergebnisse.” November 12, 2015. Accessed October 16, 2016. http://www.forschung.sexualaufklaerung.de/4923.html.
Carlsson-Paige, Nancy, Geralyn Bywater McLaughlin, and Joan Wolfsheimer Almon. “Reading Instruction in Kindergarten: Little to Gain and Much to Lose.” Defending the Early Years/Alliance for Childhood. 2015. https://deyproject.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/readinginkindergarten_online-1.pdf.
Carlsson-Paige, Nancy. Taking Back Childhood. New York: Penguin, 2009.
CBS News. “Nasty Girl Still at Work.” April 3, 2000. http://www.cbsnews.com/news/nasty-girl-still-at-work.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: Data and Statistics.” http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html.
—“Fact Sheets Underage Drinking.” October 20, 2016. http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-sheets/underage-drinking.htm.
—“Infant Mortality.” Updated September 28, 2016. http://www.cdc.gov/repro_ductivehealth/maternalinfanthealth/infantmortality.htm.
—“New Findings From CDC Survey Suggest Too Few Schools Teach Prevention of HIV, STDs, Pregnancy,” news release, December 9, 2015. http://www.cdc.gov/nchhstp/newsroom/2015/nhpc-press-release-schools-teaching-prevention.html.
—“Pregnancy Mortality Surveillance System.” Updated January 21, 2016. http://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/maternalinfanthealth/pmss.html.
Chen, Alice, Emily Oster, and Heidi Williams. “Why Is Infant Mortality Higher in the U.S. than in Europe?” National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) Working Paper 20525, September 2014. http://www.nber.org/papers/w20525.pdf.
The Chronicle of Higher Education. “Today’s Anguished Students—and How to Help Them.” Fall 2015.
Clements, Rhonda. “An Investigation of the Status of Outdoor Play.” Contemporary Issues in Early Childhood 5, no.1 (2004): 68–80.
Cohen, Roger. “The World; The Germans Want Their History Back.” New York Times, September 12, 1999. http://www.nytimes.com/1999/09/12/weekinreview/the-world-the-germans-want-their-history-back.html.
Cohn, D’vera, and Andrea Caumont. “Seven Key Findings About Stay-at-Home Moms.” Pew Research Center, April 8, 2014. http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/04/08/7-key-findings-about-stay-at-home-moms.
Conlon, Kevin. “Oklahoma Bill Would Make AP U.S. History History.” CNN, February 19, 2015. http://www.cnn.com/2015/02/18/us/oklahoma-ap-history.
Cooper, Herbert, Jorgianne Civey Robinson, and Erica A. Patall. “Does Homework Improve Academic Achievement? A Synthesis of Research, 1987–2003.” Review of Educational Research 76, no. 1. (2006): 1–62.
Cynkar, Peter, and Cynthia English. “Fewer Report Depression in Germany Than in U.S., UK.” Gallup. November 23, 2011. http://www.gallup.com/poll/150944/fewer-report-depression-germany.aspx.
Daily Mail Reporter. “US Teens Worst in Western World for Binge-Drinking, Drugs, and Violent Deaths,” Daily Mail, April 25, 2012. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2135057/U-S-teens-worst-western-world-binge-drinking-drugs-violent-deaths.html#ixzz2aXNBSKAh%20.
Dearden, Lizzie. “German Police Forced to Ask Public to Stop Bringing Donations for Refugees Arriving by Train,” The Independent UK, September 1, 2015. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/german-police-forced-to-ask-public-to-stop-bringing-donations-for-refugees-arriving-by-train-10481522.html.
Der Spiegel. “Goldhagen—ein Quellentrickser?” Der Spiegel 33, August 8, 1997. http://www.spiegel.de/spiegel/print/d-8758240.html.
—“Three Killed in Explosion of World War II Bomb in Germany,” Spiegel Online, June 2, 2010. http://www.spiegel.de/international/germany/routine-disposal-goes-wrong-three-killed-in-explosion-of-world-war-ii-bomb-in-germany-a-698245.html.
DeStatis Statistisches Bundesamt. “Bewolkerung.” https://www.destatis.de/DE/ZahlenFakten/GesellschaftStaat/Bevoelkerung/Bevoelkerung.html.
—“Elterngeld regional: Höchste Väterbeteiligung in der thüringischen Stadt Jena.” Pressemitteilung Nr. 357, October 6, 2016. https://www.destatis.de/DE/PresseService/Presse/Pressemitteilungen/2016/10/PD16_357_22922.html.
Deutsche Kinderhilfe. “Sicher zur Schule!” Accessed October 14, 2016. http://www.kindervertreter.de/downloads/DKH-Sicherer-Schulweg.pdf.
Deutsche Press Agentur. “Ausgehen—aber wie lange? Das sagt das Jugendschutzgesetz,” on T-online, December 30, 2014. http://www.t-online.de/eltern/jugendliche/id_18117010/jugendschutzgesetz-2014-so-lange-duerfen-jugendliche-ausgehen.html.
—“Sexualaufklärung: So sage ich es meinem Kind,” on Berlin.de, February 6, 2014. http://www.berlin.de/special/familien/3292643-2864562-sexualaufklaerung-so-sage-ich-es-meinem-.html.
Deutsches Jugend Institute. “Kinderbetreuung,” DJI Online, May 29, 2013. Updated January 20, 2016. http://www.dji.de/index.php?id=43414.
Doege, Paula and Heidi Keller. “Child-Rearing Goals and Conceptions of Early Childcare from Young Adults’ Perspective in East and West Germany.” International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, June 18, 2012.
The Economist. “German-Americans: The Silent Minority,” February 7, 2015. http://www.economist.com/news/united-states/21642222-americas-largest-ethnic-group-has-assimilated-so-well-people-barely-notice-it.
European Commission. “European Youth: Participation in Democratic Life.” Flash Eurobarometer 375, European Commission, May 2013. http://ec.europa.eu/youth/library/reports/flash375_en.pdf.
<
br /> Eurosafe. “Injuries in the European Union: Summary of injury statistics from 2010–2012.” Amsterdam: 2014. http://www.eurosafe.eu.com/uploads/inline-files/IDB_Report_2014_final%202010-2012.pdf.
Eurostat. “Share of Young Adults Aged 18–34 Living With Their Parents by Age and Sex—EU-SILC Survey.” Last update October 16, 2016. http://appsso.eurostat.ec.europa.eu/nui/show.do?dataset=ilc_lvps08&lang=en.
Faiola, Anthony. “For Refugees, It’s Destination Germany,” Washington Post, September 5, 2015.
File, Thom. “Young-Adult Voting: An Analysis of Presidential Elections, 1964–2012.” Current Population Survey Reports P20-572. Washington, DC: U.S. Census Bureau, 2013. https://www.census.gov/prod/2014pubs/p20-573.pdf.
Fry, Richard. “For First Time in Modern Era Living with Parents Edges Out Other Living arrangements for 18-to 34-year-olds.” Pew Research Center. May 24, 2016. Accessed October 16, 2016. http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2016/05/24/for-first-time-in-modern-era-living-with-parents-edges-out-other-living-arrangements-for-18-to-34-year-olds.
Gensicke, Thomas, and Sabine Geiss. “Hauptbericht des Freiwilligensurveys 2009.” Zivilgesellschaft, soziales Kapital und freiwilliges Engagement in Deutschland 1999–2004. Berlin: Bundesministerium für Familie, Senioren, Frauen, und Jugend, 2009.
German education server. “Primary Sector—Organisation and Structure.” The German Institute for International Educational Research (DIPF). http://www.eduserver.de/zeigen_e.html?seite=558.
Gershoff, Elizabeth T., and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor. “Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-analyses.” Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), June 2016, 453–69.